Jefferyland

What I miss most about not being in a realtionship

2009-07-13T09:59:00.001-07:00

So today is all about feeling sorry for myself (again). Life is just way to craptastic. I was going to say lately, but it really nothing new. New shit, different day.

So on to what I miss most... having some one to hold on to you while you cry for a while. (like now)

I can't finish this now. I'm at work supposedly working and I'm working up to a total breakdown here. So I'm going to stop. I'll just say that I need a hug. If only I had someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok. I don't need a relationship for that, a friend would work well too. But of course I don't have any of those either.

fuck me...

The Backyard

2008-12-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hey

2008-08-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just need a hug...

today is one of those days

What if it happened more than once??

2008-05-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

So... hi everybody. I know it's been a while, and a lot has happened in the time I have been absent. Things that I have wanted to share, but did not due purely to laziness.

I have also started a new blog,
because I still want to blog, but the people who will be reading it now are people that I don't necessarily want to read some of my past posts. So, I will continue with this blog for my more "private" thoughts, such as I really need to get laid. Seriously... I am so ready for it to happen. There is a new guy on my softball team, tall and very, very skinny that I am into. I like skinny, and young too. He's 22. I don't even care if it makes me a perv at 38 to have a 22 year old fuck buddy. I so wanted to ask him to come to my place and "mount me" last weekend at the game. But I settled for a car ride instead. I don't know why, but I am drawn to him in a sexual way.

But anyway, this is not why I'm here today. The title of the post refers to my childhood. Last night right before bed, I was flipping through the channels and I came across the end of "Mysterious Skin". It starts Joseph Gordon Levitt(?) as a hustler who was molested as a child. It's also has another sub story about another boy who was also molested and Joseph's character, at age 8, helped the pedo to get the other boy to cooperate. It's is a good movie, although maybe not so uplifting.

As the credits started rolling, I thought back to when I was little, and a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to give details, but I remember being young, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It wasn't a traumatic episode, the person was someone I knew and trusted. I remember the room where it happened and the things we did.

The question that came to me was: "what if happened more than once...". I was dumbstruck. How at my age could I have never thought of that before? Did happen before or after and I don't remember? Did it? I can't think of a reason that it would matter now to know, I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I am more surprised that I didn't think of it.

And another thing that has always been in my head. It's the nature vs. nurture thing. Was I really born gay, or did the fact that I was molested by another male at such a young age influence me towards homosexuality? I am 99.9% sure that you are born gay. I don't think it's something that can be learned. That it is a choice. I mean, when did all the heteros make that choice?

So... there you have it. I'm back baby!

peace...

I got caught being gay at work...

2007-03-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

Kind of an attention grabbing post title.

It's not what you think (pervs).

I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.

Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.

Randomness...

2007-02-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

First of all, I need to start with a picture. I found this surfing a couple of days ago on the Live Journal picture page (it’s in my list of links). I could, and do, waste hours refreshing this page. I’m kind of a voyeur I guess. Any ways... I saw this and it made me laugh, really hard. And now each time I open it and see it again, I laugh just as hard. Maybe it’s just me, it makes me smile.

I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.

While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.

But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.

On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.

I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.

I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

New Subject -

I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.

I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.

I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...

I'm so high...

2007-02-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

How's that for an attention grabbing title? Huh...?I am here at work, and yes it's true, I have become impaired. I had a root canal yesterday and my dentist is generous with the Vicodin prescriptions. So, I took a couple this morning and then I took two more after lunch. Wow, am I ever fucked up. The good news is that the boss is out sick today, well not such good news for him. I've been thinking about what to post for a while. This may be another one of my rambley ones... you've been warned.

Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...

The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.

Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.

My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.

If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.

On another note...

I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.

I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.

Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!

So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.

I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.

hugs... jeffery

Todd & Pony

2007-02-06T21:51:00.000-08:00

So things are happening right now, I have stress, of course. I have been called a loser by members of my family. Not using that word, but in essence. And more stuff like that too. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly I just feel stress. But I'm not here about any of that today.

Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.

The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.

I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.

I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.

A few I remember:

the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted

That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.

hugs... jeff

Mommy and Me

2007-01-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

That title makes me smile. Maybe I am alone in getting the joke, maybe not, but it’s all about me anyways, so there.

I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.

But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.

My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.

I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.

Take care…

jeffery

Deep thoughts...

2007-01-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

I get these feelings sometimes. I get the need to write sometimes. Rarely do the two ever come together. I'm going to ramble on here for a while. Feel free to skip ahead if you get bored, I am just putting everything in me out here right now. I haven't done that for a while.

I'm feeling confused. And uneasy. And I'm getting down a bit. I feel like I am coming to a major crossroad in my life again, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am sliding back into my loneliness again. Rationally, I know I have been sick for a quite a while, and that is why I haven't been out and really talked to anyone for a few months. But now I am better. I am sitting here alone at 7:00 on a friday night with nothing to do. There isn't anything on any of the million tv channels worth watching, I don't want to go out alone to a movie. Not on a friday night. That's date night. It's one thing to go to a matinee by yourself, but on a date night it looks too pathetic. I should call Todd and see what he's doing, but I fear that he won't be available and that would make me feel unworthy. Totally my problem, it's late on a Friday, even if he doesn't already have plans, by now it's too late get together.

I guess that my whole world has been revolving around being sick, and now that I'm not, I can think about other things. Like my living situation. I am still living with my mom, in her spare bedroom. Thank god for her taking care of me these last few months. It would have been awful on my own. I've been here since November, and a lot of the loneliness I was feeling has gone away. It is very nice to have someone to talk to every night when you come home. I know she is enjoying me being here. I know I am not burdening her at all, I have no guilt about that.

I have been thinking about staying here. Permanently. And I am confused by that very much. It feels like I would be giving up on my life. Like accepting that I have failed as an individual, and ran home to mommy. Rationally, I know that isn't true, but if I move back in with her, it pretty much closes the door on my life. It's like i am giving up, but instead of suicide, I just hide out at mom's house.

There are good reasons for me to stay here also. My mother is a saint. I worship her and what she did for us as kids to escape my father. She hasn't had the best life, and she deserves nothing but the best. She retired about 6 years ago, and she is almost through her retirement money. That means in about a year or so, she will be left with only her social security to live out the rest of her life. Not very much, and I fear she will struggle until the end.

If I were to move in here permanently, my salary combined with hers would be enough to give us a comfortable life. She has lived alone since my grandmother died 10 years ago. I know she gets lonely too. Her house is pretty nice. It's small, but it was built for her and my grandmother to live in forever. My aunt and uncle own the house and take good care of it and her. The problem is it is way too small. Every year our family grows and the kids get bigger and when we have get togethers here, it can be uncomfortable. With our money pooled together, we could definitely afford a larger house. Hell, we may even be able to buy a house together instead of renting one. If I were to stay, we would need a bigger place because we would need a place for the boys to stay when they come back.

My mom is very committed to not moving away. The income my aunt and uncle gets from renting this house is a very important part of their way of life. They are semi retired, and my mom feels responsible for keeping them a good tenant with steady income. They don't want to rent to anyone else, they would probably sell the house. I don't know if I would be able to convince my mom that we have to move. I just don't know.

The thought of living the rest of my life with my mom is comforting one hand. But at the same time, a grown man who lives with his mom is looked at as a loser. It just is. There may be circumstances where it makes perfect sense, like health reasons, or financial reasons. Once people know those reasons, the loser status goes away. But when you meet people, or they find out you live with your mom, the first reaction is what a loser. What is wrong with them that they can't make it alone? It's what I think about the subject. I know I'm not alone.

So, do I care what people think of me? Of course I do, even though I shouldn't. I probably put too much thought into this as I have no self esteem, I think bad things about myself. It is so much better than it was a few years ago. I really hated myself back then. One of my favorite fantasies was to kill myself by pouring gasoline all over me and lighting it on fire. It would be one the most painful ways to die, which I felt I deserved. I was bad and should suffer. I don't even think I told my therapist that story. I don't feel that way anymore. I accept myself as a gay man, and I am a valuable person. I have made strides in the last year and grown as a person. I haven't made it as far as I would have liked to. I still don't have a friend that I can call up and say let's go to a movie tonight, or lets meet for a drink and dinner. Toddy has been very good to me, and his friends have all embraced me too, but were just not that close yet. At least I don't feel they are as close to me as I am to them. It feels like we are on different levels, and I fear that I may push too hard sometimes, so I back off.

I want to have friends. I want to have a social life. I want to invite people over to watch TV with me. To bbq on weekends, or watch the game. Someone to talk to about life and decisions like what I am going through right now.

I haven't even mentioned love. I try not to think about it. I think that deep down inside, I know that I will never have it. I don't think I will ever be able to let go enough and trust someone with my heart. And I want too. Oh my god, I want too. You know what I miss most? A hug. A touch. I haven't been touched or hugged since before my divorce. In 1999. I'm not talking about a sensual or sexual thing. Just an intimate touch. A hand on the small of the back. A quick peck on the cheek or lips as I'm running out the door to work in the morning. The little things that are always taken for granted, until they are gone.

It feels like I will never have that again. Never feel that with a man. I want too though. I have never felt a mans touch before. You know what I mean, an intimate touch. Not like touching my brothers, or my bosses hand giving him tools or something. But holding a mans hand. Putting my hand on a mans chest, or an arm around his shoulders or waist. Or even touching stubble. That I want so bad. There is nothing more masculine to me than stubble. I want to touch a mans face and feel the brittle whiskers, run my hand over the side of his face and chin. Put my face against his. Or just a hug. I want to put my arms around a man and feel his manly body close to mine, pressed tightly together. Again, none of this is in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong, I want that too, badly, but more so than anything else, I want to be held by manly arms. I don't need a big muscle guy make me feel safe. I just need a pair of mens arms around me, putting my head on his chest. Having him rub my back or my hair while I hold on for life. I want that so bad... and deep down I don't think I will ever get it. I wont ever know that feeling. And it makes me sad. I feel so alone and sad.

If I move in with my mom for good, will I be putting the single part of myself away forever? That's what I fear the most. I know, it's up to me to live my life and make of it what I want. I should go for the things I want, like friends and a lover. But fuck, I'm 37 and I haven't even gotten close. I fear that I am close to giving up. I don't want too, but maybe I'm not strong enough to do it. Maybe it is easier sitting in the house watching TV than trying make friends as a fucked up grown man. I am afraid of being alone anymore. But I am also afraid trying and failing. I know that it is a failure not to even try, and by trying you are already succeeding. But I am afraid. And alone. And sad.

I think most of the time I can put these thoughts out of my head. One of my greatest skills is the ability to deny the truth to myself. that's how I stayed married for 10 years. But tonight since I was bored and alone, I was reading an online story on Nifty. I love reading stories on there and a few other places. There is a lot of not very good stuff, but if you wade through it, you can find some amazing stories. Here is the one I am reading now, the one that affected me tonight.

http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/saving-me/

I'm in chapter 7, where they accept their love for each other and have the first kiss of true love. The first touch of man on man contact. It's not overtly sexual, but so intimate and loving and wonderful. And it's what I want so badly. And what I fear I will never have.

I don't know what to do. I don't know...

If your still here reading this, my god, what a glutton for punishment you are. I am not going back to rewrite or change anything, accept spelling of course. This was a free form writing exercise for me. A way to put down all my feeling inside and get them out. It doesn't always make sense, and it jumps around and looses itself in places, but that is what is going on inside me. I am confused as hell and I don't make sense. Thanks for reading this. I don't know if it helped or not. I still feel sad.

Freedom...

2007-01-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm all full of new experiences. fully intended to blog more often after my last post. Circumstances stepped in the way though. I really like my new doctor. I called the office last Monday to see if there was any medicine they could give me fr the cramps until I was able to make the next appointment. The soctor himself called back about half an hour later and asked me to come on in now and talk. They just received the lab work back and it confirms that I do indeed have Crohns disease. There were 2 ways to treat it, take pills at home and wait, or go into the hospital for steroid treatment. I chose the hospital to get this fixed as quickly as possible.

So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.

As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...

What's new with me

2007-01-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

Hello again. Happy new year to all. I've been out of commission for a while, I thought I would update this thing and let people know what is going on. My boys were here for Christmas week. We had a great time. I miss them so much, but at least my fear of there being any weirdness between us is not true. We are just like we were before they left, thank god.

Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.

The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.

They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.

I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.

I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...

Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.

I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...

jeffery

I've made a huge mistake...

2006-11-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

My favorite line from Arrested Developement. It feels appropriate to my current situation. It’s been a while since I posted last. I have rarely been in the mood to share, in fact I’m not in the mood now but I will anyway.

A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.

A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.

Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.

The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….

So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.

Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...

I kissed a drag queen...

2006-10-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Alternate post titles for today:

Blogging in absentia...

Tales from the trailer...

Screaming from the hinterland...

So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.

Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.

Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.

Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.

Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.

Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.

I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.

Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.

It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.

What a great night.... the end

Small things

2006-10-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me how sometimes small things can make such a big impact. It's not a big secret that I have had a rough few days since my kids left. I have been a little mopey :) and maybe sounded a bit whiney. Well today was no different. Yesterday afternoon after lunch I got quiet. I don't think I said 10 words the rest of the day. I was just depressed. This morning started out the same way. Maybe it's because I was tired. Who knows?

Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.

So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.

Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.

Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)

I need some practice

2006-10-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

At a lot of things, but today lets talk about batting. While the boys were here, we went to Bullwinkles Fun Shack (or whatever its called). Since it was a weekday, there were hardly any kids there. The best way to go to a kids place. I bought the full package: mini golf, go karts, laser tag, batting cages, and lots of video games. The batting cages were my downfall.

Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.

We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.

Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.

This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.

Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.

Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.

Today in my life...

2006-10-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

So here I am, after a long unpleasant weekend, ready to share with you again.

I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.

Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.

I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.

They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.

Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.

I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.

Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.

Until next time…

Remember me?

2006-10-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

My God, has it really been two weeks since I last blogged? I have been pretty busy lately, and I’ll admit it, a little lazy too.

I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.

My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.

The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.

I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.

I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.

While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)

The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…

I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.

Still having a great time

2006-09-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

Since we last spoke, things have been going pretty good. I made a mistake on Friday night though. A very DUMB mistake. It's something I won't repeat anytime soon. When I stayed out late for karaoke the other night, by the end of the night I was impaired and all the guys that I was sitting with were smoking. I haven't smoked since I was 21, so that's 15 years ago. I really wanted one that night. I haven't craved one for years and years, but I wnated one that night.

So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.

Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.

The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!

Love you all...

A great time was had by...... ME!

2006-09-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Good morning my friends. I thought I would take the time to blog before I start working today. Why not start the day off right?

Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.

Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).

I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.

To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.

The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.

I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!

Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.

Love you all…. jeff

too pissed to be creative

2006-09-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

Once again I have waited too long to post and I have too much to say. I'll try to get it all out.

First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.

Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.

Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.

Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.

I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)

Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.

*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.

It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.

Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.

So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.

Well, I was in a good mood...

Too much inside my brain...

2006-09-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I should really do this more often. I have so many things to say, and now to put them all into one post would be long and make me look even more schizo than ever. So, I will narrow it down a little.

This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.

On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.

I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.

I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs.  So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.

I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….

jeff

Monday

2006-08-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

It’s done; I officially gave my notice to vacate my apartment by the end of September. Now…. The question is… where to go??? Of course my initial response is to move into the city into a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment. I have even looked at a couple. But the practical part of me (albeit a very small part) knows I need some time to catch up. My brother is buying a travel trailer for camping by next weekend. His wife and him have offered to let me stay in it rent free for a few months to try and catch up financially. Realistically, this is what I need to do. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lean on my family any more than I already have. But if I were to move into another apartment right away, I would be able to afford it, but I wouldn’t be able to also pay back some of the money I have had to borrow over the past few months. I really need to do that. Of course, my mom says not to worry about it, but I do. You have to pay your own way. So that’s what I think I will do. I’ve always been a little trashy, now I’m going to be full blown trailer trash.

There has been something else on my mind recently. I need to get laid. I have been celibate long enough. I’m not quite sure how to put out the vibe that I’m ready though. I’m not really a “first move” maker. I will attack on the second move, but I don’t really initiate the contact. So how do I let guys know I’m willing and ready? Should I show up at CC’s in a banana hammock? Maybe write fuck me across my forehead? Maybe I should just stand up and announce to the room that I’m ready.

Any hints or pointer would be great…

Hey There!

2006-08-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Well hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I have a few new things to share. My decision on whether or not to move has been made for me. I received a letter from my apartment manager informing me that my lease is up at the end of September, and that my rent will increase $100.00 per month, plus another $15.00 for my parking space. Or, I can go to a month to month agreement, for approximately $200.00 per month. So, I am out of here at the end of September.

The timing sucks though because the boys are coming back at the end of September. I am thinking of leaving more towards the middle of the month, and then staying in a hotel with the boys while they are here for a week. I’ll pick one with a pool, they’ll like that.

Yesterday I looked at an apartment downtown, at 12 & Washington. It was more than a little disappointing. Very very small. I don’t mind a small place, but this couldn’t have been more than 300 sq. feet. So, the search continues.

Hooking up with a roommate or 2 isn’t a bad idea, I think. But here’s the rub, how do you pick a stranger as a roommate? I see lots of listing on Craigslist that seem promising. But jeez, how can I narrow down the field so it is the right decision? I don’t want to move again very soon. I need to pick the right place.

I am confident though that everything will work out. I feel like I have turned a corner recently, my bad juju days seem to be gone. I know it’s only been a week or two, but everything feels much better now. Even with the challenges I’m facing.

Bye Bye! (voice of John McGlauphlin)

G'Day

2006-08-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well hello there, how've you been? I've been just fine thanks. I thought I would share a couple of new developements with you. First, I talked with my boss yesterday about increasing my salary. I was looking for a $3000.00 per year bump, he came in with $2000.00. In the past I would have said thank you and then kicked myself for not standing up for what I need. But this time I said that I was hoping to get a little closer to what I was making in my old job. I told him what I needed, and he said he would run some numbers and let me know next pay period when my check gets here. So at the least I will be getting the $2000.00, maybe even more. Thank god, I didn't want to have to change jobs again.

The second thing is while browsing Craigslist for cheaper apartments or rooms to rent, I came across something that looks promising. It is a large 3 bedroom apartment with 2 30 - 40 ish gay guys, looking for a 3rd roommate. I answered the ad and he answered me back saying he would like to meet me and have me come look at the place. Financially this is something I need. The reduction in rent would be great, it would really help me out. But living with roommates again makes me a little nervous. Especially strangers. They could be very nice, or they could be psychos. Who knows?
On the plus side, this should force me to be more social (in theory). I would get to move into the city, although not downtown like I wanted, but then again, I can't really afford downtown.

I'm not sure what to do on this yet. I will meet with the guy and look at the place. That isn't making a commitment. It's just checking it out. Oohh... any suggestions on what I should ask them? Anything I should look out for? Red flags or warning signs? Any feedback would be nice.

I'm at work right now or else I would include a hottie picture. You'll just have to imagine one for today. Maybe later I'll post a couple later. If your good...

jeff

Hmm

2006-08-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I posted an entry that was pretty dramatic and sad. Someone called me on it. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'll try.

Here is my quote:

"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."

Here is the comment:

Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.

I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.

I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.

I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.

As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.

Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.

I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.

So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.

Hugs...

jeff

More bits of randomness...

2006-08-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of all over the map today. In no particualar order, these are some of the things running through my mind:

Yesterday at work, the republican guy that I just told I was gay was describing a customer to us. The customer is kind of a weather nerd, always calling about new software or equipment,and he was described as "joining the anal club." I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the giggles from starting. It struck me as very funny.

All morning I have been singing the hero song from Disney's Hercules: I Can Go The Distance. I blame Toddy and his Little Mermaid (I'm Unique) post.

This is me...not that I'm bitter about being short or anything :)

I remembered today that I was going to look into beign a roommate instead of you know, slumming it in my car or staying with my brother and his family. Not looking forward to that. I found this great place. I love it. Ah, home. But I don't think I would fit here. Check out the pictures of the place. I especially like the big black phallus thingy in the living room. WTF.

I have spent the last half hour playing wiht my blog. I think I've figured out the whole links thing. Yea me! The boss is out of the office today. I should go do some work, but now it's lunch time. I'm hungry, I must go and eat.

just like clockwork...

2006-08-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

It's a new day and I'm in a great mood. Fuck it, I'll just go with it. For today I thought I would post something a little different than usual. How about some pictures of hot guys off my screensaver program. yeah, I thought it was a good idea too. I have to turn off my monitor whenever family comes over. They accept me, but don't want to see any improper images. If they only knew...

Look at this face... it's perfection... I love him

My newest pic, it's Steve Sandvoss from "Latter Days"... fucking yum!

I'd like lay on his bench and let him work me over...

I love them both....

You know it's true...

Bad juju....

2006-08-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I've been hesitant to write about this because I am sick of how needy I've been sounding lately. Something is going on and it doesn't feel right. I think my meds are off. (anti-depressants, don't want anyone to think I'm psychotic or anything... just depressed) I was used to having mood swings sometimes on a daily basis. But over this past week, my swings have been happening several times a day. WTF. My high points aren't that high anymore, but my lows are pretty low. Thursday I was going to post a whole entry on why suicide could be the answer. I might get to that later.

I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.

I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.

A Taboo Subject - Suicide

So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.

I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.

How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.

It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.

I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.

There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.

I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)

I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.

So let me tell you about my day.

2006-08-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you make decisions in a split second without really thinking them through, at least I do. Today I made 2. One that I regret, and one that I don't. Allow me to share...

Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.

*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.

Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.

I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.

Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.

I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.

That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.

This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.

My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.

Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.

I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.

Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)

What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").

When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.

Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.

So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)

Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.

G'night...

Perspective...

2006-08-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Now that it’s the next day, and I’m sober again, I am a little bit disappointed with my decision to drive home last night. I shouldn’t have done that. It has been a long, long time since I was inebriated as I was yesterday. I’m also not too sure about drunk blogging. It may not be a wise choice either. I knew I was still drunk when I went to bed last night because as I was laying there waiting for sleep to come, I was singing “King of the Road” and then “Delta Dawn” to my cat. The bed wasn’t spinning, but the window was open and I wasn’t being too quiet. Ha, fuck the neighbors, they’ve kept me up late more than once. Then I woke up at 1:00 and couldn’t go back to sleep until after 3:00. (I still felt drunk btw) Now I’m at work and while I’m not hung over, I am overly tired and sluggish. Ah well, tonight I will sleep better.

I know I said yesterday what a great time I had, but I want to reiterate something here. As I am looking back on what transpired yesterday, I realize that I don’t know the last time I actually let my guard down all the way, and was just myself, without any thought of the other people around me. This is what I have been searching for. Longing for. Todd and his group of friends accepting into their fold the way they have is so wonderful. I remember the more that I drank, the more I told Loren about the cute guys there. I kept saying I love him and pointing out different guys. She just laughed and agreed with me. It is so strange to actually speak out loud about liking guys and to have no weirdness associated with it.

I just had a really good time, and I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. I feel very happy right now.

Woo Fucking Hoo

2006-08-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

Lime green jello shots are fucking A good. I have done a bad thing, please don't judge me too harshly Holly. I drank too much and drove home when i shouldn't have. But now that I am home, lets revel in the day that I had.

First i went to the movies with 2 of my brothers. The one with the tumor and the one in forest grove. We saw Talladega Nights. We laughed really hard. It was funny in a stupid kind of way. A great time was had by all.

Then... the real fun began. I met Toddy and friends for the softball fundraiser at CC's. Since I knew i would be there a while, I started off with a long island iced tea. Soon I was feeling no pain. We played bingo! I sat between Loren and Doug. Across from Toddy. Marilyn was on the other side of Loren and Sean was across from Doug and Cal was next to Toddy.

The Sisters of perpetual Something were the bingo hosts people. They were fucking awesome. They had face paint and were wearing kind of modified habits. There was one who roamed the crowd with a microphone making comments and spanking people who called bingo in error. I was strangely attracted to him. He had a mohawk and face paint, but he was really hot. The more I drank, the more I was attracted to him.

Now I have to talk about Loren. I LOVE HER!!! We sat next to each other, and I told her I had blotter envy. I picked a blue bingo card blotter. Hers was green. I liked hers lots better than mine. She said that green was her favorite color. About this time, a guy started walking around with jello shots. Toddy and I both had a blue one. It was good. Then he came back and I had a red one. It was awful. Then he came back and he added green to the mix. So I had a green one. It was lime and very good. Very strong too. Loren and I tool turns buying green jello shots for each other. I had so much fun sitting with her.

I switched my drink to vodka cranberries. I had three more of those, plus the long island and 6 jello shots in 3 hours. I was impaired. I was also having a great time. I talked with Marilyn one on one. With Cal one on one. Toddy disappeared after bingo was over. I think he went home without saying goodbye.

I went to Hobo's and had some dinner in an effort to sober up. Then I drove home when I shouldn't have. It wasn't very far, but I know I was bad anyways. Please don't judge me. So now, I am drunk blogging. Another first for me.

All in all I had a great fucking time. Loren is awesome. I love her now.

good night...

Bo & Hope...

2006-08-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking around the Fred Meyers, I needed a bar of soap, but nothing else, and I felt like a tool just buying a bar of soap so I browsed for more things to buy. I didn't find anything, just the soap. But that's not the point. As I was walking around singing to myself with the music that was playing, an old familiar song came on. The love theme from Days of our Lives for Bo & Hope back in the eighties. "Tonight I Celebrate My Love for You." It was about halfway through and I was looking at ironing boards when I noticed what song I was singing. It was one of those instant time travel memory experiences that happen when you hear the right song. At least for me. Immediately I was back to being a kid, watching Days with my grandmother. It was our favorite story. (Who knew I would turn out gay, there were no signs) I remembered so many things in that instant. Like when Bo came in and stole Hope away from that DA guy she was going to marry. Took her right out of the church and roared away on his motorcycle. Bo's mullet. Bo's beard. Bo isn't my type, but he was attractive.

There was a woman on the show named Kimberley, and she was with the guy from the Nanny. I don't remember her relationship to the other characters. I think she was Roman's sister. Anyways, I always remember her because my grandma hated her, and every time she was on the TV my grandma would say" I just wanna kick her in the snatch."

My family still laughs about that. Anytime we are all together and someone does something wrong or says something stupid, that line comes out. And we laugh.

The other song that really takes me back is "Let's Hear It For The Boys." That was the summer I was 13. Lots of things happened that summer. I stayed with my oldest brother and his first wife for 2 months. It was during this summer that I was introduced to marijuana. We went over to their friends house and they wanted me to go away, so they gave me a large butter tub full of pot and a pipe and a bong, and put me in this little tiny alcove where there was a stereo and headphones and more cassette tapes than I had or have since seen. I remember having a very good time. Then the rest of the summer was spent in the pursuit of the high.

But the specific memory is of cleaning their apartment while they were at work with the radio blasting this song. I was dancing and singing and having a great time. I always go back there when that song comes on.

I was going to post about first crushes. I came across a website devoted to River Phoenix. My god, he was special. I loved him. He was going to be mine, I just know it. Fate kept us apart. Alas, maybe in the next life.

Oh yeah, I think I may have figured out how to post a link in an entry. I'm going to try it out now. Hope it works. I got a mailer to join a gay book club. So I did. If you join you get 4 books for $.50 each, plus shipping. Then 3 years to buy 2 more books at regular price. Standard like all those kinds of clubs. I like reading books that pertain to the gays. So if you want to, take a look.

TEXT

Not a depressing entry

2006-08-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am going to post today, and it's not about doom and gloom. Fro whatever reason, it seems the darkness has left. At least for 2 days now. Here's hoping it stays gone.

So last night I went out and met Toddy at CC's. A grand time was had by all. I got to meet several new people, friends of Toddy’s, and they were all great. There was Marylyn (sp, Toddy’s very good friend and housemate, with her new girlfriend crap I forgot her name. She was great. This was my first experience with lesbians. What a hoot. I really liked them.

Doug was there from the softball team and stayed for a while to hang out. That was fun. He had some great stories to tell. There was also Cal and his friend (maybe boyfriend? Jay. They were a little ways away from us though, so we kind of had separate conversations, but when it got load, we all talked together.

The best, best part of the night for me was when everybody left except me and Toddy. Not because I want to be antisocial and didn't like them, I really did and had fun with them. But for the first time last night, I got to have a real conversation with Todd just the 2 of us. It was nice, somewhat serious and funny at the same time. I got to ask him specific questions about sex
and things of that nature. Another new experience for me. To openly talk about sex with another gay guy. I've had sex talk with the guys before. "Yeah, I fucked her" but not a real conversation. Thank you Toddy, that was what I have needed for so long, just someone to talk with.

Next Sunday is a bingo fundraiser for the softball team. I am going to go and have a great time. Doug and Todd also asked me to join the team next spring. I am actually considering it. Me... playing softball with other hunky gay men... I'll have to ask if we get to take group showers. That might seal the deal!

And just because I have to mention my moods, I have been upbeat for the last couple of days, but I have to consciously work at it. It's hard to explain, but it's like there is something inside me wanting to drag me down. I am not having bad thoughts, or hearing depressing songs, but I just subconsciously want to be down. WTF
I think I may need to get my happy pills checked, maybe the dosage is wrong or I need to switch again. The boys just left so I don't know if it related to that or not.

Anyway, things are good. I am going to clean my apartment tonight. Woo Hoo

Good morning...

2006-08-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's the next day now and I am feeling much better. I am optomistic about the day and looking forward to going out tonight. If Toddy isn't up for it, I plan on going by myself anyway.

I was going to start out appologizing for last nights post, but it was true and how I was feeling at the time. I hate those days, I hope they go away and never come back.

I need something to do to fill my empty time. I wouldn't mind volunteering for something, but I don't know what. I think I would prefer it to be involved in the gay community. But I don't want to only consider that. I'm sure there a lot of places that need help that aren't in the gay category.

I'll share something else with you. It's another one of my deep dark secrets. I would love to get involved in a theater group. I have always wanteds to do that, but for some reason I have shame associated with it. Why? How fucked up is that? But it's out now. I've said it. I would like to be involved with a theater group. Maybe just helping in the background, setting up stages or stuff like that. But eventually, as I grow more confident with myself, I would love to be on stage. It is so wierd to actually write this down. My desire for the entertainment lifestyle is on par with my homosexuality. I have kept it in the closet for ever. This is really the first time I have told anyone about. Ever.

See... I am in a better mood!

Ordinary People

2006-07-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

I just watched this movie on TV. I've seen parts of it before, but never the whole thing. What a great fucking movie. I have always loved Donald Sutherland. Mary Tyler Moore was perfect as a cold, unable to love mother. And wow, timothy Hutton was great. And gorgeous. He won an oscar for this role. It was a great movie. I cried and cried. I can't say enough about it...

Please feel free to stop reading now. What follows is crap, wallowing in more crap. Sorry.

Ok, now that that's over, I guess I should get to what's going on with me. I haven't been in a very good place lately. That's why I haven't blogged. I hate to always be whining, or complaining. And that is what I have felt like for the past week. I was very much into having the boys here. I was able to have conversations with them. Gary doesn't hold up his end of our conversations. He's just a cat. But he does love me. At least there's that. Or he knows I can reach the shelf where his food is.

I guess I am feeling alone again. I promised myself I wouldn't censor what I write. But now that I know people are reading this thing, I am having a harder time not censoring myself. I feel like a giant pussy for not being able to get out of this depression. And I feel like people are going to get tired of reading my blog because it always the same thing. Me being a whiny bitch. But, that is who I am right now. I am going to go on ahead and get it off my chest today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

I went to the bar last night. I met a friend as I got there, he was just leaving. I went in anyway, I know, a big step for me, and had a drink. I sat at the bar and watched the people having fun. I hate being in a crowded room and feeling so lonely. I left as soon as I finished my drink. I did talk to someone though, I think it was one of the owners, but he was impaired and funny.

I'm in one of those moods where even a little thing going wrong will send me into an inporportionate (sp) response. Let alone the big problems that I have. I haven't even focused on those really. I read in a blog somewhere that it was tacky to discuss your financial problems. God know, I don't want to be tacky. So, I will keep the details to myself and just say things are not looking so good right now. I haven't cleaned my house since the kids left. I haven't wanted too. I just don't care. There are dishes piled up on the counter with food on them from our last meal together. Plus take out boxes and bags.It is starting to smell in here a little bit. I should really clean it up. But I don't care. There is just very little concrning me that I care about right now.

I have talked with the boys since they went back. They seem to have adjusted pretty well to it. Tomorrow they start school. Sam will be in high school. A freshman. When they lived here, before the ex got married, Sam was a very shy kid. He totally got my anxiety disorder from me, plus I was not a good role model for dealing with people. Anyways, I know he was lonely, and I tried to get him to make friends and do stuff, but I wasn't succesful. Both of my boys have myspace accounts. My family thinks I'm nuts because of the pervs online, but I watch their sites to see whats going on. Matt has friends. He has 3 close ones here that they get together everytime they come back plus they all talk online. He also has many friends in Kentucky. Sam is the one I worry about. But when I was checking their myspace pages, I read a bunch of Sam's comments from other people. Lots of kids were happy he was back and excited to see him in school soon. Including some attractive young ladies. He plays things so cool. "Yeah, they like me here."

It makes me feel so good for him. I am so very happy that things are woking out in Kentucky. But I can always find a down side. It makes me feel like a failure too. I tried my hardest to help him here, and it never worked. Back there, they were able to help him. I'm a bottom line guy. I suck, they rock. I know, I did some good things for him. I insisted on therapy. I insisted on medication. I still talk to him about life and how to handle things that come up. I know I have been a help to him as a father. But, I'm in a "I suck" mood.

I'll try to end on a slightly more upbeat note. I am going to go out to CC's maybe tomorrow. I'll email Todd in the morning and see if he wants to go. He said to let him know next time I want to go out. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

Not gonna do it

2006-07-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have reconsidered my need to express myself in print about my ex-wife. It could only make things worse if ever she were to stumble across this blog. Or ever more worse, if either of my kids found it. As far as they are concerned, we still get along ok. It should stay that way. So... moving on...

I have been a a pretty foul, depressed mood since Monday. All of the sudden, now at lunch time today I feel a little bit better. i will talk with the boys tonight after work. I think they will adjust back to the old routine ok.

While I was eating my bowl of chili, i came across a wonderful website. I'm not sure how to post links in a blog, I will figure it out later. Here is the URL:

http://www.xanga.com/EmoKissingBoys

After looking at this, my mood is increasing. At first, this just made me feel more depressed. I want to kiss a guy like that, or better yet, be kissed by a guy like that. All these young guys just doing what they want makes me feel sad for my younger years when I was too afraid to even admit to myself that I liked boys.

But, then i remembered, I am starting to get a life. I put it on hold for the summer, but now I can start spreading my wings again. As soon as I hear the boys are doing better, I will feel a whole lot better myself.

This felt a little rambling, and I think my writing could be better. I'm out of practice. Gotta go back to the office...

I don't know what to say...

2006-07-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of ideas on what to post, but i'm just not in the mood to do it. Last night sucked really bad. I couldn’t get Sam to stop crying. He’s 14, and very much a strong young man who doesn’t cry. But it broke my heart yesterday holding him and letting him sob. I will say this, any guilt that I was carrying around for coming out of the closet and leaving my ex-wife is now gone. i was going to say I’m having a hard time being civil to her, but I’m not. I was in the closet until i was 30, I know how to fake shit. So for the boys benefit, I am nice to her, but on the inside i fucking hate her now. It is my fault we are divorced, I took her ”dream” away. but i didn’t take away the kids from her. She says she didn’t move to Kentucky to be mean, and I believe her, but I do think she gets some pleasure out of my pain. And what kills me the most is that i can live with the pain and misery, i have my whole life, but to see her put the boys through this is the worst fucking thing ever. Now I am slamming the keys on the keyboard as I type. FUCK!!!

I will write more tomorrow or the next day. I need to get some perspective. I wanted to write a letter to her and post it, there’s now way I would send it. I’m not stupid enough to do that. things are bad enough already, I don’t need to make them worse. But maybe i can get things off my chest in a letter.

it's hot... i'm going to bed...

Still Un-Deflowered :(

2006-07-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am still around. I have been spending all my time with my boys so far this summer. That's why I haven't been posting. Unfortunately, they are leaving next Monday. I was able to keep it out of my head the whole time they were here until last Saturday. Then I realized it was barley over a week left before they left. I am trying, and being relativley successful in keeping my spirits high. I don't want the last few days to be downers. I have had one bad day, but I was able to pull out of it when I got home from work.

I have plenty to say, but I'm at work now and should actually be doing work (imagine that). Next week I will be able to get back into posting more regularly. Thanks for the concern and checking up on me.

jeff

Friday, Part Deux

2006-06-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

Well, my goodness, how plans have changed. I went home at lunch and took the boys to my brother’s house for the afternoon which rather quickly turned into a sleepover. So I am free tonight. As noted at the end of my previous post this morning, I have a need. And by golly, I’m going to fulfill that need tonight. I will be free to look at whatever I want online and I only need one hand for the mouse. I won’t be able to go out though, my finances just wont allow it. So unless someone offers to get me laid, I wont be out searching for it. Not that I know how to find it yet anyways, but I’m putting the offer out there. One way or the other, I will have my release tonight. Wish me luck…

By the way, I’m still waiting for someone to gay-de-virginize me, hint, hint…

I've been busy...

2006-06-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to update my blog, but I don’t seem to have the time right now. Last weekends camping trip was very nice. We all had a lot of fun. With the exception of the bugs. Mosquitoes to be exact. They were awful. It was like an alien invasion. We went through 3 cans of mosquito repellent, and still we came back covered in bites. Sam and Matt (my boys) got it the worst. Poor Sam counted 32 bites on his body. I couldn’t get them to stop scratching, so of course the bites were all swollen, and it looked like they had some kind of death plague. Now things are much better, they just have little scabs all over them. Eww

I want to take them to the Oregon caves and do some spelunking. That sounds like a fun adventure. But I just found out how far away it is, almost to the California border. Jeez, that’s a hell of a round trip. We could stay in a hotel down there, they would like that. Financially though, I don’t think I could swing it. I’ll figure something out.

Sam is hooked on watching Ghost Hunters and all those kinds of shows on TV. I am going to take them on a tour of the Shanghi Tunnels in Portland. They have a ghost tour that will be right up his alley. I asked if he would want to go see a haunted place in the flesh and he jumped at the chance. So, next month some time we will go do that.

Jumping to a completely different subject, my lease is going to end in September. I can continue to stay on a month to month basis after that or I can move somewhere else. My rent isn’t that expensive right now, under $600 a month. I know that isn’t a lot. But I am still fucked up from my unemployment debacle earlier this year. I had to borrow some money from my mom, and I will never be able to pay her back at this rate. I am barely, barely scraping by as it is. I think about trying to move into someone’s basement, or renting a room in someone’s house or something really cheap. I also have been thinking of putting my stuff in storage and sleeping in my car. I can go to the gym to shower (that way I would actually go to the gym) and I eat with my mom anyway. I’m a little guy; I could fit in the backseat ok. Where would I park though at night? I don’t want to be hassled by the man. Well, maybe by a man, just not the man. I could save a lot of money and actually pay back some of the family that I owe. Plus I could start to build up a nest egg. It seems a little desperate though. Would you think less of me? I would have to lie to my family though. They wouldn’t approve. I would tell them I was staying with a friend. I don’t know, I probably won’t do it, but it does seem like a good way to get out of trouble. I hope I can find a good room to rent, or maybe a roommate to cut down on cost. Argghh, I will figure something out.

On a good note, my probation period at work is over, so now I will have insurance again. Hooray! And, goddamn I’m horny. I need to get laid. NEED… Plus, since the kids are here, I can’t… you know… release any built up frustration. I haven’t been able to look at anything dirty online for a few weeks now. Lordy, I have a need.

Sorry about that, just going where my mind led me. Gotta go back to work now. Have a good weekend.

They're everywhere...

2006-06-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

I see them all the time. I hate the heat, but still, summer has got to one the best time of the year. Shorts and no shirts. Sunglasses, sandals, and skin. I’m talking about hotties of course. My God, it seems that everywhere I look, I see someone attractive. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of trolls out there too, but hot guys are just all over the place. Maybe it’s because I don’t need an A&F model level of hotness. Not that that’s bad either though. But I really like the guy next door type. Just a regular Joe. I was at the 7-11 today buying a Coke, and there were 2 guys blocking the cooler. I waited for a few seconds for them to move, all the while taking in beauty of one of them. He was a little taller than me, (but who isn’t) probably 5’7 or 5’8, and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. They were taking too long so I moved in front of them to grab my Coke, and I was able to get a glance at his face. Ooohhh. He was gorgeous. I walked to the counter and paid and on my way out of the store, they were still in front of the coolers, and I was trying to get a good view again and I totally walked into a candy bar display. Like a big fool. Hershey bars all over the floor. I picked them up and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I practically ran out to the car. My face was so red.

The point of this post is a question about checking out guys. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, but since I came out, I don’t really worry if anyone knows I’m gay anymore. So I find myself looking at hot guys all the time. It does concern me a little though. I’m all of 5’4 and a little squishy. I don’t intimidate anyone, not even my kids anymore (Sam is 5’6 now). My friend Toddy is 6’6 and a large build. He said people don’t usually fuck with him. I don’t have the size luxury.

My concern over getting my ass kicked is not high enough to make me stop looking. And honestly, I don’t want to go back to trying to be discrete, and not let anyone see me looking. I would be flattered if someone was checking me out, it wouldn’t matter what gender. People should just be happy someone thinks they are hot.

Randomness

2006-06-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I make up words. Randomness, is that a real word?

I have some thoughts in my head and I want to share them. Hey, they’re bugging me, so I’ll let them loose on the rest of the world. Or the 2 or 3 people who read my blog.

Let’s talk about the awesomeness of the Dixie Chicks. I went out the day their new cd was released and bought it. I wanted to give my money to support them and show that there are plenty of people who still love them. When I listened to the cd the first couple of days, I only liked 2 songs, the big single and the first track. But, I have found that as time goes on, I am loving this cd more and more. This is a great cd, and the fucking right wing bastards are too stupid to admit it.I have their 2nd and 3rd cds, I don’t have the first because there is a sad song on it that I can’t stand to hear. I don’t even remember what it is, and I don’t want to remember either. I just won’t listen to that cd. But the other two, I can sing along with every song. There aren’t that many cds that I don’t use the skip button on. All the Dixie Chicks cds, Rascall Flatts, GreenDay, Alanis Morrisette, Josh Groban.

I do realize how boring the last paragraph was, thank you for getting through it. It is of interest to me. Ok, how about something else that has been on my mind. Let’s talk about sex. (don’t read this Holly) Like all normal guys, I do have thoughts of sex. Don’t they say the average guy thinks about sex every few seconds? I heard that somewhere, could be completely made up, how would I know? Anyways, I do think about it quite a bit. I feel sorry for the first guy that gets to be with me. I hate not knowing what I am doing. That goes for anything in life, especially a job. I hate being new to something. Now, I am not new to sex. I was married for 10 years. But here’s the rub (), I am totally new to gay sex. I haven’t experienced the joys of boy boy love. In the past, I have wanted to, in theory, but I was always to depressed or alone to even think about actually doing it. Plus, doing it for the first time is always intimidating. I know what to do. I have been studying educational videos and on the internet, plus inside my own imagination. Now that I am starting to have a life, the thought of actually hooking up with someone and having… intimate relations… is becoming more attractive. But now I have new questions.

How do you find someone to hook up with? Is random sex good for everyone? I don’t know if I would feel comfortable … you know … with a stranger. Can friends have sex and not affect the friendship? My guess is probably not, but I could be wrong, it’s happened before. How bout this one, how do you deal with the whole AIDS thing and being tested and can you trust them if they say yes? I don’t have a clue how to even bring up the subject. I know I should figure that one out before I decide to have sex with someone, so any advice would be great.

I should go, I have work to do. Thanks for reading and giving me feedback. I am open to suggestions. And I will entertain any offers to deflower my gay virginity.

My Brilliance (did I spell that right?)

2006-06-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hot Toddy posted today about the end of the world coming because of the gay pride parade this weekend. I would link to it, but I haven’t figured out how yet, and I’m at work so I shouldn’t even be doing this. J He mentioned the protesters waving God Hates Fags posters. I left him a comment saying that we should have God Hates Rednecks, or God Hates Inbred Hillbilly Assholes, or something like that. Brilliant! I am a fucking genius! How do I come up with these ideas? Fucking gold, baby. Gold!

I haven’t had a lot of time to post lately. I’ve been having a great time with the kids. Next weekend we are going on a family camping trip. All my brothers and their families and my mo will be there. It should be fun, if their wives play nice. I don’t have to worry about that anymore, since I am single. But oh Jesus, wait until I bring a boyfriend along. That should be interesting.

I am going to miss the pride stuff though. I really want to go, but I can’t get out of camping. Don’t tell anyone, but I am hoping we get rained out and come home early Sunday. Then I’ll leave the boys at home and try to get into the festivities. I hope I’m able to hook up with Toddy. He said he wanted to show me my first pride event, so I am ready. If the fates work out.

I have more to say, but no more time. Maybe I will get more time later tonight. But now I have to fight my way onto the computer and then listen to “are you almost done yet?” over and over.

Bye bye…

me...today...

2006-06-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you just aren't in a good mood? I can't explain why. I'm kind of in between depressed and grumpy. I'm switching back and forth a lot today. Nothing is wrong. The boys stayed at their grandma's last night, so I was alone. I took the opportunity to go to CC Slaughters. I was hoping to run into Toddy, but he wasn't there. I was going to have a couple of drinks, then I was pumped to sing karaoke. Well, I was going to do it, I don't know how pumped I actually was.

When I got there, Andrew bought me a drink, very nice of him. Then I noticed Pony and Chopper at the end of the bar and stopped to chat. I am still very awkward at small talk. I feel like such a goon. I asked them where a good place to eat around there was, and they gave me a couple of options. Pony said Hobo's had great pasta, so I thought I would try them. OMG, he was so right. I had pesto chicken with mushroom sauce. It was so good. So good. And now I have a new cruch. The bartender there, Dave, was absolutely perfect. I think I know my type now. I like average guys. Just normal looking guys. The guy next door. That is the category this guy is in, at least in my opinion. He wasn't model gorgeous, but cute. Didn't have a six pack or ripped pecs, he had a small, small bit of a paunch. Don't tell him, it would probably make him feel bad. But oh man, something about him really clicked for me. So of course, I sat there like a lump and ate my dinner and left. He had really short hair, clipped way close to his head. I like that. I also like big hair. WWE wrestler Carlito has the best hair ever. I love that big afro.

I should really be working instead of talking about typoes of guys I like. At least my mood is a little better than when I started. I guess I really am gay, thinking about guys makes me happy. (now I'm smiling)...

p.s. Oh yeah, I am feeling better now. I almost have lumpage!

"the horrible night of doom"

2006-06-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Linda Blair Aint got Nothin' on Me

Oh My God. As anyone with children can attest, they share all kinds of wonderful germs and sicknesses with you. Well, it has happened to me. Poor Sammy was very very sick. I felt really bad for him, there's not much you can do except take medicine and let it run it's course.

Then... I started feeling a little bad. Not too bad, but enough so i knew something wasn't right. I went to bed around 10:00. I woke up at 11:36, and made a run for the bathroom. You know how if you haven't gotten sick for a while, you forget how bad it can be. i mean in theory you know throwing up isn't a pleasant experience, but you haven't done it in so long, it's just a faint memory of what happens.

last night I remembered how bad it can be. Several times. I was up at 11:36, 12:18, 1:23, 3:06, and 4:32. I remember because each time I ran for the bathroom, I looked at the clock to see if it was almost morning yet. Dawn for me at least brings some hope that the horrible night of doom will be over. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor between rounds of "prayer" I could hear my insides gurgling and bubbling like some mad scientist experiment. After "the horrible night of doom" was over, then started the morning and day of... how to say this tactfully, well my brother calls it "soup ass." that seems like a reasonable explanation. Probably not too tactful though.

So, this has been my weekend so far. I had great plans for the day, I was supposed to help my brother build a deck on his house. But I had to cancel. Instead, I have spent the day writhing in pain on the couch. Terrible cramps. Or running to the bathroom. Terrible cramps in there too. I am feeling a little bit better now, the cramps are still there, the fever isn't anymore. Sam is about in the same boat as me. No more throwing up, but cramps and long lingering bathroom trips. Matt kind of got it a little this morning. He didn't get sick or have the bathroom problems, but he did get a fever and feel pretty lousy. He says he is better now, but I think that's only because he doesn't want to cancel tomorrows plans too. We are having a birthday party for him tomorrow. I don't want to cancel either, but I'll decide in the morning.

I'm going to lay down again. And whine, I didn't mention the whining. I readily admit that I am the biggest baby ever when I'm sick. It's one of my many wonderful traits.

WOOOOOOOOOO

2006-06-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

You know the Woo guy, there's one at every concert. Just stands there and screams WOOOOOO. Well, that's what I feel like right now. I know it's still early, but I had a great time tonight. ALL BY MYSELF!!! WOOOOO. The boys are having dinner with their mom and her family tonight, so I had a few hours of alone time. Instead of sitting in front of the computer or TV like normal, I decided early this morning that I would go out to CC Slaughters after work and have a couple of drinks before I have to be walk home.

Normally this would have been the plan until the time to actually do it, then i would have chickened out. I don't like going alone BUT, i did go, by myself. And I had a good time. Andrew was there serving drinks, and I tried an apple martini for the first time. It was horrible. I only finished=shed half of it before I couldn't take anymore. By then i had a buzz on. Andrew gave me my next drink on the house, he is so nice. Then he made me a Water Moccasin. (sp) All I remember is it has orange juice and I think pineapple juice. It was good, and I became impaired. I played the video game and watched the porn and sat on the bar stool and had a good time. I spoke with a couple of guys. The last guy's name was Jeff also, he is 46. i suck at telling ages, I would have guessed my age, 36 at the most. I told him that and he asked me to marry him. HA! Then he said I looked about 29. I almost said yes to his proposal.

I just can't believe how comfortable I am now going into a gay bar and just sitting. Even by myself.. It's like I have been captured by the pod people. Who the fuck am I? God, it is so liberating. I totally want to move into the city now. There's no holding me back now. I just want to find a place within walking distance to the bar, so i don't have to drive. That would be nice. I swear, next time I go on Tuesday, I am ready to sing kareoke.

I missed Toddy though, although I'm sure he will be proud of me going on my own.

Bye Bye...

p.s. I hate that the spell check on this thing doesn't work. I normally couldn't post so many errors, but i assume that if your reading my blog, you have the intelligence to understand my meaning, if not my words. :)

Some good news/ Some bad news...

2006-06-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

The good news is of course that my boys are home. The bad news is Sam is sick. I think his fever broke this afternoon, but we'll see what tonight brings.

It is great to have them hear again. To be able to put my arms around them and hug them. Seeing them just doing anything. My God, just seeing them period is great. I am going to enjoy the next 2 months very much.

The other bad news, Pride weekend is coming up. Toddy and I were talking about it the other night. He wants me to experience my first pride event, and i am looking forward to it. But... I just found out what weekend it is, and I will be out of town on a fmily campout all weekend. If I was in town, I would have found something for the boys to do so I could go. AARRGG. I really wanted to go this time. Maybe I will get home early enough Sunday to do something, I don't know. At least I'm not doing something crappy, it will be a fun campout.

One more thing, on a different note. i'm trying to find a drink that I like , and I'm open to suggestions. I'm not a big fan of real alsoholic tasting drinks, I like them to be masked a little bit. The next time I go out, i'm going to try an apple martini. Anny suggestions would be great.

Bye Bye

p.s. I am new to having people read and comment on my blog. Toddy, thank you for bringinng me out into the world. my question is, should I respond to each comment that people leave, or just say in a post how much I aprreciate them? I really do, by the way.

It's finally happening!!!!

2006-05-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

They'll be here within the hour!! The boys are coming back!! WOO HOO!! I am very excited. I am going to squeeze them so hard, but Sam squeezes me back harder now. They are all mine for 2 month!! I don't have to work tomorrow, we can spend the day together playing around and goofing off. it's been a long year, with short visits here and there, but now, I get 2 months. Fuck yeah!

I also went out again with Toddy tonight. Funny how it ended up being Towel Tuesday again. Who knew? :) I met more new people today. Holly was right, there is a friendly community out there waiting to let you in. I was so afraid it would be full of pretty people saying that I don't belong. But it hasn't been anything like that at all. Not that the people aren't pretty, there was a cowboy singing kareoke tonight who was very hot. But his attitude wasn't all that great, so he went down hill in my book. I saw Pony again, I like him. He comes across as a fun guy. I met Danny and Sean ( I think) and Micheal and Stephen. All seemed very nice.

I think I talked more this time than last time. I know I was still awful quiet. Toddy and I had some dinner and we ended up sitting with some other people. They were very nice and funny, but they were new, so I clammed up. I really hat ehta tI do that. I want to be open and I want to sing with the rest of them, I just am not at that point yet. And, I have decided for today, I'm not going to beat myself up for being quiet. If I sit back and think rationally on this whole going out thing that is happening to me, just the fact that i actually leaving the house to meet people, knowing there will be strangers there is a huge accomplishment. I think tonight I will revel in that. I am finally stepping out of my comfort zone, and it isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. It isn't terrible at all. I wasn't even nervous about going in the bar tonight. Not even a little. Wow, is this really me?

I will probably back off going out a lot with the boys here. but there will be sleepovers at grandmas house and cousins houses. When that happens, I will plan to go out.

THEY"RE HERE!!!!!!

yummy

2006-05-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say, I should be in bed, I have to work tomorrow. But... I'm not tired. I have a rotating screen saver on my mac, and I have a whole bunch of "adult" pictures that are in a slide show. This is one of my favorites. It's not even nude. but man, it is hot.

Hot Toddy

2006-05-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've had some time to reflect on the last few days. Everything happened so fast. I finally sent the email to Hot Toddy that I had been trying to send for a week or two. And he responded right away. I was so surprised to see an email from him. I guess I thought he would blow me off. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm not gifted enough to express how I feel about Toddy. He is truly an amazing soul. So positive, such a good outlook on life. And the fact that he would reach out to a perfect stranger and offer friendship... I am humbled by this. He had a kind word to say about everyone, and didn't like it when anyone offered a negative comment about anyone. His smile was contagious and I felt very much at ease with him and his friends. It was amazing. I never feel comfortable around people. I blame Toddy.

This is the part where my not being gifted comes into play. I don't want to deify him, but a simple "thanks" doesn't feel like enough for what he did. I am so grateful for the chance to meet Toddy. I'm glad I had the courage to finally reach out to someone, and I am so happy that I picked Hot Toddy. I wasn't expecting the response I received.

Thank you Hot Toddy...

Karaoke Theme Night?

2006-05-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

Damn that Hot Toddy. I can't get The Little Mermaid song out of my head. There's something about Disney songs, they just stick with you. If you have kids and you've seen every Disney cartoon at least a million times, you know the songs. Where the People Are is my favorite one. I also find myself singing R.E.S.C.U.E. (Rescue Aid Society) from the Rescuers, I Wanna Be A Man Too, King Louie from The Jungle Book.This just happens out of the blue. I will be working or driving or doing something that requires concentration, and bam, all the sudden I notice myself singing. Where does it come from?

When my kids were little, we had a Disney tape called hero songs. It was full of all the popular songs form the more recent movies. That was pretty much all I played in the car, and would sing at the top of my lungs all the way to work and all the way back. Good Times...

Maybe it's a Walt Disney mind fuck. Maybe there are subliminal codes deep inside the songs and after enough kids (and gay guys) hear them, say in 30 years or so, there will be a revolution. Maybe that's when they will unthaw his head. Go with me here, it's just the beginning of a theory, given time I'm sure I can work it out.

Oh yeah, I forgot why I logged on to post in the first place. Karaoke Theme Night. I'm still very new to this whole "having a life" thing. Do they ever do theme nights at karaoke? I'm thinking of a Disney song theme night. That would be great. It would probably have to be at a gay bar though. I may even have the balls to get up and sing, well, maybe if I drink enough. I would sure be singing on the inside though...

CC Recap (conflicting feelings)

2006-05-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: I have a new thing, after I write something I feel the need to put a disclaimer at the top before anyone can read what I wrote. Maybe it's just a phase. Anyway, today's disclaimer is: I am going for honesty here. These are my honest feelings, good bad or indifferent. I always said after I came out that there would be no more lies. That was easy when I didn't have anyone to talk too. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't think I wrote anything hurtful in here today, other than about myself. Nothing new there. :)

Its 11:55, I just got home from the bar. I wanted to write down my feeling now instead of after I sleep. I might forget something. First of all, Todd was great, he was so nice, gave me hug when we met. Very tall. He looks younger than he is. I was guessing that him and his friends are in their late 20s. Then at the end of the night when he was singing his last kareoke song, he said he was born in the 60's. That means he's at least my age. Holy cow, I would have never guessed that. I forgot to ask him how old he was. I wonder if it's like asking a woman about age with gay guys. Is it rude? I hate my age. 36 is fine, but I just wish I was further along in my developement.

I really like the bar. It has a good vibe to it. It doesn't feel all dark and shady, liek there is something to be ashamed about. At Silverado, to me, it comes across as a little depressing. It's too dark and dreary for me. This place was just fun. I was going to say maybe it was the company. I'm sure that had something to do with it, but when I stopped by on Sunday by myself, I got the same feeling. It makes a person feel comfortable. Well as comfortable as I can ever be.

Here are some of my conflicting feelings. I had a good time, I didn't feel too uncomfortable. Todd spoke with me and introduced me to lots of people. I was fine meeting them everyone seemed so nice. Andrew is so fucking hot. It was towel night, and that's all he was wearing. OMG he is so yummy. And he was really nice to me also, everyone was. I was quiet though. That’s just the way I am. I hate it. I did join into the conversation infrequently and I did ask Todd questions. But overall, I was pretty quiet. I hate being like that. I hope after a little time I will be more open and trusting. I had no reason not to trust these guys; Todd made me feel very comfortable.

Another thing that bothered me is that these people are college educated. It's not that they were, it's more that I'm not. Fuck, I hate that I don't have that experience in my life. I know, I can go now and I will probably get more out of it, but I don't have that learning to be on your own collective experience that people who went to college do. It’s not so much about the education, but the socialization.

I am envious of Andrew, he is only 23 and out and having a great time. Fuck I wish I could go back sometimes. I will go back tomorrow night for the Dixie Chicks release party. It kills me to see all these happy people at a gay bar. What the fuck have I been waiting for? I feel like these people are out of my league. Professionally and where they are in life. I know it just my own insecurities, but it is how I felt. I know I am worthy of being with them, I am a good person. Insert Stuart Smally voiceover.

God it was nice to meet people on my own, without someone else doing it for me. I want to be happy and I want to be sad at the same time. It was a great night, but I still feel like an outsider. Todd did a wonderful job of including me, it's just my own fucked up insecurities. I will get over them, I hope soon.

oh holy fucking jesus christ...

2006-05-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

on a cross...

I did it. I went and reached out to someone. Someone who is actually within driving distance. I am going to meet him at CC SLaughters tonight. At 7:30. OMG... I need to calm down. My stomach is all kinds of fucked up right now. Why am I so nervous? He seems like a really nice guy. I have been reading his blog for a while and he isn't an axe murderer. I don't think :) Talk about being out of your comfort zone. I was going to meet him tomorrow night, but he offered to meet today also, so I took him up on it. You know that feeling when you've done soemthing wrong, maybe it's guilt. It sits in your stomach and just kinda boils. That what I am feeling right now. Not becasue I did anything wrong, I know I didn't and the thought never crossed my mind when thinking about this, it's just the closest way to describe how I am feeling. Oh yeah, besides all the nervousness, I am excited too. I am going to meet someone in person who could be a firend. There is potential there. Someone to go out with... to the movies... to eat... to play. Oh my... I'm nervous again. I forgot about it for a minute there.

One more funny thing. I'm having dinner tonight with my mom and I called to tell her I was going to eat and run, I had plans for tonight. She asked if I had a hot date (a joke because apparently everyone knows I've been a hermit) I told her I was meeting someone but it wasn't a date. That gave her pause. I told her I was going to meet someone as a friend. Then she told me to make sure and check his card to make sure he doesn't have the AIDS. (don't be offended)Hillarious. I love my mom. She makes me laugh. What a way to show her concern. What are these AIDS cards? Should I get one too? Is it like a credit card, or library card?

Ha, I'm nervous again. I forgot again. It keeps coming back. I know I will be fine. It's just the unknown that is so scary. What if I clam up and can't think of anything to say? What if ask something inapropriate? Like for his AIDS card? :) It's going to be OK... I'm going to get all Zen about this. There is nothing to worry about... it will be a fun night af getting to know someone new. There that's better. Oh fuck, it's time to go. I'm nervous again...

On a happy note...

2006-05-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hooray!!!!! I'm not going to post about something deporessing for a change! Well, maybe a little, but then it will get better. Stay with me and you'll see.

The weather here has been pretty nice. Not too hot, but very warm. Beautiflu sunny skies. Great spring time weather. And it has been depressing me more than cheering me up. All becasue I have no one to play with. (stay with me here) So on Saturday, I had to work at the bad place, and after that I went tog et something to eat and the thought of just going back to my apartment brought me way down. So I got a couple of movies and a sandwich at Subway (yum) and went home. Not to give you too much of a visual, but I am one of those people who as soon as they walk through the door, off come the pants. And the shirt. Not a pretty sight, but since no one is there to see it, oh well. So, i went home from Subway with my movies and layed on the bed in front of the fan. That was at 3:00. I woke up at 8:15 that night. I slept way too long, so of course I couldn't go to sleep last night until late. And the bad, bad, bad part is that yesterday was Matt's birthday, and since I din't get up until 8:00, it was 10:00 in Kentucky and too late to call. They had plans earlier, so I had to wait until the evening, and then I slept through my window. All in all, a crappy day.

I woke up this morning in a fairly good mood, but again, I had nothing to do or anyone to do it with. So I went for lunch at my favorite place, Annie's It's a Fiftys style burger place that has great food, and chocoalte malts. So after that, my thought was to go back home and finish watching the movies I got. But that seemed pathetic, even too much for me. I have been wanting to check out another bar in Portland called CC Claughters. I read another blog, Hot Toddys Toaster Oven (great name) and he talks about how great CC Slaughters is. I have tried to go several times in the past couple of weeks. But I chickened out. The closest I got was driving to it, but I couldn't find it. So today my thought was to go and find it and maybe if I had the balls, go and have a drink. It shouldn't be crowded on a Sunday afternoon. I found it, and drove around forever looking for a place to park. While I was looking, I drove by the waterfront. I always wanted to wlk down by the river, but I never had. So I finally found a spot and walked down around the water. I crossed the bridge and wlake all the way to the end of the other side. Then I came back across the river and went to look for CC Slaughters.

I found it and started to walk by the door. I wasn't going to go inside. I knew where it was, that was enough for one day. But as I passed the door, almost involuntarily, I turned and went inside. Then I froze. The place was pretty full for 4:00 in the afternoon. I stood just inside the door for a couple of minutes trying to decide whether to run or not. I finally went and ordered a drink, right in line behind a drag queen. Oh my. There were a few in there. I took my drink and walked around the bar to where the tables were and they were having a bingo game. Everyone looked like they were having fun. A big black drag queen was calling the numbers and she was very funny. And attractive. I don't know what to think about that. Was I attracted to the man inside the costume or the woman? It has to be the man, I don't find women attractive... in that way.

Anyway... I tried to sink into the wall and drink my drink and watch what was going on. I stayed for a few minuted, then I left, wuite happy with myself. I really liked this place. Much better than the other one I went to. I can't wait to go back. I just need someone to go with me. Maybe Jason will be available again. I'll ask.

Tonight is the finale of Desperate Houswives. Very exciting. Tomorrow is 24. WooHoo.

pity party, table for one...

2006-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

I was going to appologize for yesterdays post. What with it being so morbid and all. Then I thought about it and I don't want to appologize. It was where I was yesterday. I'm better today. I don't know why. I just am. Of course, now it is 5:00 and time to go home, and I have caught up on all the taped shows I had left to watch. (Greys Anatomy was awseome.) Now what am I going to do tonight? I have 3 hours before Will & Grace, I don't want to just sit there flipping through my 5 tv stations. I thought about going to CC Slaughters, but getting into Portland this time of night is insane. You know, at least when I had the internet at home, I could always waste the time with little remorse. There was remorse, but I can usually bury it. Hopefully I will figure something out.

bye bye... ( just for clarification, my bye bye is in the voice of John McLaughlin, at least in my head)

Funk

2006-05-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

I seem to have crashed again today. I'm in a pretty good funk. (funk is a great word) I hate feeling this way. It's almost like a self fulfilling (sp) prophecy. I know to get out of my mood, I need to get out and start a life. But at the same time, the fact that I have no life, therefore nothing to share with new people, keeps me trapped inside myself. Alone. The fact that I am not strong enough to get myself out of this puts me even further down into depression.

This new job is working out fine, except... I am way over qualified for what I am doing. I am back to just being a technician. It is nice right now to not have to make any decisions, or answer any questions. But it is going to get old real quick, not to mention the pay cut I took to come here. It's about $600 a month less than I was making. That is huge, when you don't make very much to start. I think I made a mistake coming here, and I should look again for something new.

Another thing, I realised today that I will be 37 soon. 37 37 That is too goddamn old to be starting over. I have nothing. I have a car and a tiny little apartment that I can barley afford. Of course I know that my family loves me. But is that enough. Sometimes I wonder. I know that relatively speaking 37 is not too old, but I feel like I should be way farther along in life than I am. I should have a house. I should have a friend at least. You know what I look forward to? TV. My favorite shows. How fucking pathetic is that. I think about giving up sometimes. Just accepting the fact that I will never be normal and happy. I will never have a friend or a relationship. I think about getting high again and staying high until I die. At least when I was high I didn't have to think about how much I suck, or care. I so still have the suicidal thoughts, not that I would ever do it. But I think about it. How much better it would be. I know it the easy way out, but it sure seems better than living the way I am. And at 36, it doesn't look like I will change. So right now, it looks like my choices are death or pot. Door number three is always there, but I'm too much of a pussy open it and find happiness. (don't worry, I'm not going to die or go back to drugs, I'm just being a baby today)

My kids are coming in 2 weeks for the summer. I am happy about that. I don't think I will have enough money to do anything fun and exciting though. I also realised recently that this is not their home anymore. Over the last year when I talked with them it always had something to do with coming home, and Kentucky was not home. It has changed all the sudden. They have a new home, and I am not part of it. I will be the weekend father, only worse, because I only see them a few times a year. I am making my mood worse as I type this.

fuck...

So Close, but Banished Again

2006-05-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

My little unemployment "bump" is still wreaking (sp) havoc on me. They cut off my internet on Tuesday. I tried to get them to wait until Friday, when I get paid and can pay the whole bill, but they wouldn't do it. Fuckers! I will get it turned back on next week, but last time it took 5 days before they turned it back on. So... I will do all my internet stuff at work. Well... not all the stuff...

Not a whole lot is going on this week. Not that there ever is. I really have to work at the other place on Saturday. They didn't ask why I didn't show up last week, and I didn't tell them. I talked with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about the job not working for me. His answer was that him and Stephen will communicate better with me. I have had 2 emails from them in 2 weeks. Stephens was one word and Andrews was 2 words. So much for better communication. But, I have to do the right thing. It would be wrong to just leave them hanging. I'm not that kind of guy. Sometimes I wish I was. I wish I could just say fuck it to what other people think or care about. But not me, I'm a giver.

I have an uncle who quit school after the 3rd grade. He is married to my aunt. I call him uncle asshole. He has always been very opinionated and always ready to criticize, but he can't take any criticism back. He also has the shortest fuse of anyone I've ever met. And one of my brothers is right there next to him. He was always doing or saying something cruel or mean and you didn't dare talk back or he kick your ass. Plus, my aunt is the nicests, sweetest person ever. It is horrible that she is put in the middle of her husband and the world. So, everyone pretty much just took his shit all the time so as not to upset my aunt. And harmony. (I had a point...) I remember as a teenager when he would do or say something, I wouldn't talk back or respond the way I wanted to. Even though I was right, my mom told me to "be the bigger man. He doesn't know any better." God I hate that. SO, that is how I live. I don't call people on their stupidity or argue with people. Well, I don't argue for another reason. I'll get into it in another post. (Thanks Dad)

I am done now. bye bye...

lazy Sunday

2006-05-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love lazy Sundays? (as opposed to all the other days when I am lazy :) ) I told my bosses at my other job that I would be in to work today, but I didn't and still don't feel like going. I will tell them there was some family emergency that I had to take car of and offer to work Tuesday night. I am going to have to tell them i don't want to work there anymore. I've tried being subtle, but it's not working. I'm goiing to have to say the words I quit.

I spent yesterday helping my brother install the new kitchen and bathroom cabinets he built into an apartment. We have done this before and wil hopefully again. It is a fun way to spend the day. We have to take out all the old cupboards, sometimes they come out easy, sometimes not. Yesterday my othe brother was there too and my nephew Phil, who is 11, and Phil got to do all the demolishing. We brought out all the cabinets to the parking lot, and gave him a hammer and let him go. What 11 year old boy wouldnt love that kind of destruction.

Then we put in the new cupboards that my brother built and hooked everything back up. All in all, a good day. i am really tired today though. I think I got enough sleep, maybe it was just doing something physical yesterday that made me tired today. Plus, I just ate dinner and i'm not tired anymore. AT ALL! I have a sudden burst of energy. Not enought o get up and do anything. Let's not get crazy here.

I was going to go to CC Slaughters today, but I don't feel like it. I'm not too scared like before, just not in the mood for a bar.

I saw MI:3 on Friday. I liked it. There was a great death scene in it (at least to me it was great). The DaVinci Code is coming soon. I am ready to see that too. I think I'm done for today....

Here are some pics of what I want. I want to be in someones arms. I will get it someday...

It's alive....

2006-05-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I am still here. You know, I have a few blogs that I read all the time and it pisses me off when I go to them and they haven't been updated. For a while. I guess it hasn't really sunk in that people may be reading my blog and thinking the same thing. Not that I have a bazzillion readers, but I know of 2. 2!

So here is the story. It's not particularly interesting, but then neither is my life so what the hell. I just haven't felt like posting lately. I haven't been down, really. Just a little bit. Maybe tired too. My finances are biting me in the ass. Being out of work for 2 months sucks. Oh yeah, they are going to shut off my internet before my next payday, when I can pay the bill in full. bastards, they have no empathy. But back to me, I guess there have been a few things to mention.

I still have the other job, 4 hours a week. I don't want to do it anymore. At all. Not just cut back, how much more could you cut back 4 hours a week? It just seems like such an inconvenience to have to go in there on the weekends. I have been working weekends since last August, plus a regular job. I did it at first because I wanted to transition there when my regular job ended. But they don't have enough work for me to do, and I'm not "professional" enough to do what they do need. I built the first 65 units and shipped them to the customers and now they just want to keep me in the loop until a new order comes in, then i can work like crazy again while still keeping my regular job and working nights and weekends for them. I want out. I'm not interested anymore. I was there in the beginning, before they even decided to form a new company. I was instrumental in the development and manufacturing of this product. I was invested in it. But now, since they don't want me full time, i have lost my passion for this product/business. They are good people, i wish them well, but I don't want to spend my free time working for them anymore.

I told the boss last Sunday that the job wasn't working for me. So he wanted to go over how they could make it better for me and work out the problems. I was such a pussy about it, I didn't want to sound all bitter "well since you wont hire me, I quit" which is kid of what it boils down to. So I didn't really give him a reason why. He suggested things and I agreed. What a puss. Maybe i should backtrack a minute and say that this discussion started because I sent them an email saying that when my kids are here for the summer, may 30 - July 31, I will not be available. Then i said we can discuss what to do after they leave later in the summer. Again being a pussy, putting off the quitting until later. I should probably just bite the bullet and have a frank conversation with them. It's just that conflict really fucks me up. Thanks dad.

My new job is going well. I think they are happy with me. I like them, even the republican, as long as we don't talk politics. I haven't told them i am gay, I don't think it's any of their business. If it comes up, I won't lie about it. But I see no reason to bring it up now. I told my last boss (after 4 years) because we had friendship as well as a working relationship. It felt like I was lieing to a friend by keeping it a secret. It feels better now. I had dinner with them last weekend. It was very nice. I had 2 gin and tonics. Aren't;t those old people drinks? I don't want to order an old person drink at a gay bar. It's bad enough being 36, i don't need to seem any older.

I cleaned my house on Sunday. Even vacuumed the floor. It is so nice to sit in a clean house, or open the door and not see crap all over the place. Sometimes I can be a real slob, enough to even bother myself.

I guess this is enough for now. I will try to keep my updates more regular. Here are a couple of pictures I found that made me laugh. Conan is a gif, i hope it works.

Hey there...

2006-04-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've had an interesting day. Well, to me maybe. Ok, it wasn't that interesting. I just mean my mood was weird today. When I woke up, I was in a good mood. I ate my Raisin Bran while surfing the web and by the time I left for work, I was feeling a little down. Once again, I don't know why. The rest of the day I was in a pretty depressed/sad mood. After work I went to my mom's for dinner, still in a little funk, but after dinner I was feeling better. On the way home and even now, I am in a great mood. WTF! I hate mood swings. I realize that everyone changes moods, but it just seems like my changes are so exaggerated and random. Not self centered much am I?

During the day I listen to talk radio. I would think it would be obvious by now that I lean to left. I listen pretty much to Air America all day. Except between noon & 3:00. Then I listen to the Rick Emerson show. I love this guy, and Sarah the producer and Tim the newsguy. They are hysterically funny (at least to me). The reason for mentioning this is that tonight they are having a listener party downtown. Lots of loud music, fun and drinking. I really would have loved to go. This is the kind of thing i want to do. But, how can I go alone? I would feel just to self conscious wouldn't have anyone to say "did you see that?"I would be the lonely looking guy in the corner that people whispered about. So once again I let my fears and loneliness get in the way. I suck.

Now I'm in a crappy mood again. At least Survivor is about to start. That will take my mind off it.

The Fetal Position

2006-04-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I am in a very good mood. I don't know why. I'm just going to go with it. As I was laying in bed this morning hitting the snooze button, I came to the realization that I do like being short sometimes. At only 5'4", I am always bitching about being to short. It's true, there is discrimination towards short people. There are studies. I read them. But you sound like a whiny bitch if you argue it, so I am just mentioning it.

Anyway, while I was laying in bed, I curled up into the fetal position and snuggled under my warm blanket. I got into a really small package. I very compact, but taking up much space on the bed at all. I liked being that small. I want to snuggle with a guy who is small like me. I also want to snuggle with someone big, like 6'5' 280 pounds, a football player. I want to be able to disappear in his arms. (oh yeah, of course by snuggle, I mean after mind blowing sex)

Jeez, this all seemed much better in my head. Reading it back, it seems kind of lame. But I am posting it anyway. Now I am going to be late for work. Oh well, I'm still happy. I haven't even taken my happy pills yet.

WOO HOO!!!

sad tonight

2006-04-13T21:52:00.001-07:00

It's probably because I'm tired. Ther isn't a particular thing upsetting me. Other than the normal stuff. I don't have a life.

I'm listening to the new Dixie Chicks song as I write this. I love them. I can't wait until the new cd is out. I will buy it right away.

I had a busy day at work. I had to build ans ship 5 units on one order. I have been working on it for 3 days now. I wanted to ship it yesterday, but I couldn't make it. I barely made it today, after busting ass all day. I had an angering moment though. I had to ask John to show me how to ship these because they are a special order. `szI was trying to take notes as I did it because there is another order for the same place next week. So I wasn't sealing any of the boxes until I documented what was in them. I told John not to tape the box up, and why. He looked at me said your going to do more in 5 minutes anyway, and taped up the box. WTFIt's nt like he didn't hear me, he just dismissed what I was saying. I was more than a little pissed off after that. He wanted to help pack the other 4 units, but I told him I just needed him to show me how, and I will do the rest myself. He left. Debbie was happy that I got them out today. Nader said it didn't matter, I think he was trying to make me not be upset about missing shipping another day. But I made it.

I think they could tell that I was a little off. Nader came up to me afterwards and asked if I liked the job and was happy there. I told him I did and I was, and asked if he was happy with me. He said he was. he also told me not to worry about the mistakes I have been making. I am hard on myself when i make a mistake. I know that there is a learning curve, and mistakes will happen. But I hate fucking up.

I ate breakfast this morning. I was moving like crazy all day and about 11:30 wham, my blood sugar dropped. I noticed it all the sudden. I was fine, and then I wasn't. I knew I had to eat, I thought about waiting until 12:00 for lunch and started to work again, but there was no way that was going to happen. So I went to lunch early and I felt a little better. It made me tired for the rest of the day though. It was strange how I could tell what my body was doing. I tested my blood before I ate lunch and it wassoen to 71. Under 80 is bad. Under 60 is real bad. I have only had this happen once before. I know what is happening now.

I updated, now I'm going to bed.

bye...

I can't sleep

2006-04-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I've been tossing and turning for a while. So I get up to get a drink and realize I'm not even a bit tired. Is thisz becasue I slept too much? Probably. It sucks though. I have to work in the morning. It's 3:07 now and I am starting to yawn. That's a good sign.

goodnight...I hope

I did a bad thing...

2006-04-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

And I don't feel guilty for it, and that makes me feel guilty. I know, I'm retarded. I have been arguing with myself all weekend about posting this. I don't want anyone to think bad of me. I can be a little self centered. This is what I did. My uncle had shoulder surgery and is staying a few weeks with my mom until he is better. I had dinner there on Friday night, and when they went out to the back deck for a smoke, I went into the kitchen and ... stole 2 of his pain pills. What kind of sick fuck would do that? I don't feel that bad about it. There was a full bottle of them, with refills, so I know he won't run out, they probably won't even miss them. I was hoping for vicodin, but they were oxycodyn. I remembered when I used to get high, and I thought here is a perfect chance for a one nighter. I was disappointed.

I took the 2 pills as soon as I got home, around 6:30, then settled in front of the computer and waited for them to kick in. It didn't really happen. All it did was make me tired. I didn't feel 'high" at all. So I laid on the couch and watched TV. It did finally kick in sometime during the night. I woke up and had a conversation with my cat. I remember complaining that it wasn't fair for it to take effect while i was sleeping, then I went back to sleep. Overall a let down from what I was expecting.

Then comes the next day. I remeber this feeling from the before time very well. Strung out, tired, unable to concentrate. I was a mess. I had lots of those mornings before, funny how you forget the after effects, but remember the fun. I still am kind of out of it tonight. So, I had a really boring weekend, mostly I laid around and slept. I did work at Bill's and LRS, but other than that, nothing. I was able to catch up on all the shows I taped when the kids were here.

They better not cancel Everwood. I love that show. Plus they are going to have a gay character come out of the closet. I think it will be the new guy that Ephram is tutoring. Yum

24 was awesome! I totally didn't see the President as the bad guy. I thought he was a helpless wimp and the Vice President was bad. Interesting twist.

Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were good. They pretty much always are. I wish they would show more of Andrew and his boyfriend though. They should get their own spinoff. I would watch it.

I am feeling kind of random tonight. I have been depressed this weekend, but I attribute that more to the drugs than anything else. I have reasons to be down, but the hangover part is making it worse I believe. So I'm not too concerned about it. Plus tomorrow I get to go back to work and be too busy to think about my problems.

I feel like whining, but I don't want to read it back after I do and see how pitiful I am. So, just know that I am whining quietly to myself. There are a couple of people reading this now. How very exciting for me. I read blogs all the time, but I never leave a comment. It is a reward when I get a comment on something like my own personal crap. I should probably start leaving comments on the blogs I read too. I have this irrational fear that they will share what I wrote with their friends and laugh at me. WTF I wouldn't even know it if they did. I hate being a pussy sometimes. Well, most of the time. Who likes to be a pussy?
Pussy is a disturbing word. The more I look at it (the word) the more it doesn't look right. Fecal is another distrubing word. It's all clinical, but still it's just gross. I think I'm losing it. I am going to go to bed now.

Tomorrow will be better. Right? RIGHT? C'mon, at least lie to me...

Again... so close...

2006-04-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to talk about sex, but it didn't feel right in the last post. I have some questions. I read a lot of stuff online, stories and blogs and just stuff. I have no question that having anal sex is going to hurt at first. In the stories, that always mophs into feeling good and having a swell time. The I have read some stuff about the only way that guys can enjoy it is by using drugs to sull the pain. I don't want to use drugs. And I don't want it to hurt every timne either. When watching certain "educational" videos about gay sex, most if the time they look like they are enjoying it. Is it all an act? Are they all high?

Here's another more disturbign question. Is it true that after you do anal for a while, you start to loose your pucker? I have read about leakage. WTF!! One site said not to wear white pants anymore. OMG! Is this true??? Maybe butt sex isn't a good idea.

It is a little embarassing to be my age and not know about sex. I know all about straight sex. I was married for 10 years. I was good at it, when it happened. But now I have to go through that awkward stage again. Am I doing this right? Was it good for you? Of course with guys it's pretty easy to tell if it was good. :)

Someone needs to enlighten me. Tell me all about it. Better yet, I need someone to show me all there is to know about gay sex. I am an eager learner.

I'm still here

2006-04-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday night, the boys left last night. That's why I have been absent from posting. They were here for a little over a week. It was a great visit. I miss them being around so much. Sam is such a smart ass. It does me proud to hear some of the stuff out of his mouth. Matt is obsessed with sex. Boobies and such. He will be 12 next month. I don't think he knows a lot about sex, but he is eager to learn. He also says inappropriate things at times. If he wasn't my kid, I would laugh, but I am supposed to be the parent, so I give him hell. I must not be too rough though, he keeps doing it. They will be home for the summer in early June, for 2 months. I can't wait.

I am settling into my new job. I am starting to get comfortable with it. I know how to do a lot of things on my own now, and I don't have to keep asking for help. It is a little weird for me though. Nobody there cusses. EVER! I have to try very hard to censor myself. I know Nader, the boss, is religious. He talks about his church, and bible classes. That is fine with me. I know a lot of religious people. I respect their right to believe as much as I wish they would respect my right not to believe.

Then there is John, the sales manager. He is extremely right wing. He was telling me how the democrats are the problem with this country. He went on a long tirade about it. He kept going even after I told him I was a liberal guy. I couldn't do that, keep complaining when someone says they believe the other way. It doesn't seem respectful. You can have a difference of opinions, but they should be discussed rationally without the bashing.

Lastly, is Debbie. I can't get a read on her yet. She listens to NPR, but I can't tell where she lies politically does seem to be judgemental, and she hates pets. Which is funny because John brings his dog to work everyday. It's a little pomeranian. She is kind of nice to it, but everyone knows she doesn't like it. I don't like dogs that much either, but I can accept them ok.

One of my main concerns about these people is how they will respond when they find out I am gay. I was going to say fears instead of concerns, but it's not really a fear anymore. Fuck em if they don't like it. (don't I sound brave) I used to be terrified someone would find out. But now I just have a little concern for how they will react. Will they treat me differently? John said he is against gay marriage. I don't really care. I just want to work in a place where it doesn't matter. I have no intention of bringing it up, but I certainly won't lie about it. It's interesting to me how my feelings regarding being gay have changed.

Now i just need to go out and meet some people. And get laid. That would be good too.

An uncomfortable observation

2006-03-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

I was looking at the Live Journal picture page a few minutes ago, there are 40 pictures at a time(link on the side), and I came across 2... photos that were kind of related. At least in my head. And my reaction to them has me a little puzzled. I will describe the pictures.

The first one was of a late term abortion. It was a fetus all bloody, on a white towel. Obviously late term. My reaction was mild, I am pro choice, but I don't like late term abortions. I think there should be time limits as to when you can't abort a fetus. My personal opinion. I saw the picture, registered it, thought that's not right, and moved on to the next picture of a kitty. All in about a seconds time. Then I scrolled down to some more pictures.

The second picture was of a baby seal being clubbed to death in Canada. At this picture, I felt outrage. I clicked on the picture and went on to read the Reuters article about it. My anger increased. "What a horrible thing they are doing. Killing these baby seals by clubbing them and skinning them alive," I thought. I was upset by the thought of this going on in 2006. How fucking awful.

I went back to the live journal page and continued looking at the pics. As I was waiting for the next page to load, I realized what a different reaction I had, and it puzzles me. I have outrage for a baby seal, but only mild discomfort for a fetus. This doesn't seem right to me. I feel uncomfortable with this realization. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a cold hearted bastard? I don't think so. I'm not really sure what my point is. It was just a weird observation of self. I thought I would share.

...

It's Saturday night... guess where I am

2006-03-25T21:22:00.000-08:00

Yup... on my ass in front of the computer again. I know I said last time I would write more frequently, but... I didn't. No excuse. I thought about it, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. I'm not really in the mood for it now, but it seems like I should.

the new job is going well. I am happy with the choice I made. It felt like a cop out at the time, but now I am so glad I chose this job. The people are nice and friendly, and there is new stuff to learn and put my mark on. That's kind of exciting, they are looking at me to improve on manufacturing stuff. Like they value my opinion. What a nice feeling.

I am fighting with my car financing pricks. I haven't paid my car payments for Feb and now Mar also. I called in mid march to talk about an extension, and they said that I would have to wait until April 1st to get the extension. Then some rude lady called me at my NEW JOB and gave me a rash of shit about being late. I told her what that they told me to wait until April and she said that they would have never said that to me. Fucking cunt. So I gave her a hard time and just kept arguing with her over and over the same point. Just to be an ass. I know I shouldn't have, but it was kind of fun. Mom is going to bail me out again, then I should be able to get an extension and pay her back. I hate borrowing money from anyone. Normally I don't do it, just suffer the consequences. But this time, I have to have my car, and it's not my fault I got laid off.

I saw Inside Man today. (alone...) It was a good movie. I didn't figure it out until the end. i don't know if that means it was good or I'm just getting stupid. I wanted to see it all along, but the guys at my new job said that one of our systems was going to be in the movie, if it didn't get cut out. So i went to see if I could spot it. And I did. There's even a picture in EW of Denzel, with our weather station behind him. Pretty cool.

I was gone all day today. I wanted to start cleaning up so it's nice and neat when the boys get here. I will do it tomorrow, but now I have been invited to Joe's house to eat tomorrow at 2:00. History has taught us that I will sleep in Late, and when I get back, I will sit on my ass. I don't hold a lot of hope out for cleaning.

In closing... here is a cute picture I found. I would title it: Ninja Kitty

Yikes... It's been a while...

2006-03-19T00:32:00.000-08:00

Well, to start off, I made my decision about the job. I took the weather one. The comfortable one. The easy one. The boring one. I'm trying to be happy about it, and I pretty much am. I start work on Monday. Wow, what a load off my mind to be able to have a paycheck again. Thank god.

Now, the real reason I am here. I just chatted for a half an hour with someone. A stranger! Me! I was even the one who initiated it. Of course, I didn't think his smiley face was lit up, so he would see my message after i was logged out, but he answered me right away. It freaked me out. I was thinking that maybe since I am having such a hard time meeting people in person, I could meet some people online and get some experience with meeting people, so i could do it in person some time. But i wanted to take baby steps, start now, and maybe actually talk tomorrow. But he was there, and we talked for a while.

I was looking at my favorite live journal page (in the links) and I saw his picture. He was cute so I clicked on the picture to check him out. He is a very interesting person. He's been through some pretty crappy things and I wanted to tell him to hang on and it will get better. Then we talked for a while. It was nice. And so out of my comfort zone. ( a phrase I hate) I hope I get to talk to him again.

I didn't post this, but last Sunday at 9:00 in the morning the phone rang and woke me up. It was my mom, saying they (her, and my aunt Mary and her husband mike) were outside and asked if I wanted to go shopping with them. Since I was sleeping, my brain had not caught up yet and I said ok, if they wait for me to et ready. So, I went shopping with them. It wasn't horrible, but they are... middle aged, not old yet, but... getting there. We walked around the store and they bought things and then we had lunch and came home. It was a good distraction and got me out of the house finally. Well, I am telling you this now, because I went out with them again tonight. They are fun, for older people, I enjoy being with them. And they enjoy my youthfulness :), but it kind of seems like I'm dating my mom. It seems a little weird. We went and saw the Pink Panther movie. Not my choice, but since I wasn't paying, I didn't want to press my opinion. I wanted to see Failure to Launch. I love Sarah Jessica Parker, and her man for that matter. But Mike wanted to see Pink Panther, so we did. It was ok. Well... it wasn't all that great. I didn't like it very much, but I told them I did because they loved it and I didn't want to harsh anyone's mellow.

On another note... I found out that the boys will be back here on march 29 for spring break. I didn't think it was until the end of April. Woo Hoo!!! I am very happy about this. They are excited too. God, I miss them. Sam said he is over 5'7" now. He was 5'5" the last time I saw him at Christmas. Taller than me @ 5'4". I can't even imagine him being that tall. How the fuck can I have a kid that tall, and going into high school next year? Holy shit! I want to say I am old, but I know I'm not. Well I am in gay years, but not in real life. I just started way to early. I can't wait for them to get here.

I think I've said enough for now. I will try to update this more often. I should add something about my moods, since i know there is one person reading who would want to know. I am still feeling up. I haven't sank into a pit of depression. i have had my times for sure, but i am able to get out of them rather than wallow in them. Such a change for me. Maybe life will work out for me after all. I am still unbelievable lonely, and too timid to go out and meet anyone. I haven't given up though. Not yet at least. I want too many things to give up yet.

bye...

Day 14... Decision time...

2006-03-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

I officially have an offer from both places now. After I talked with weather people (small business) I called the Davis HR person and left a voicemail telling her I had another offer and asked if they were going to make an offer to me soon. She called me first thing this morning to give me an offer. They both pay lower than I was making, Davis is $.31 less than the weather people. I told them their first offer was too low, she came back with a higher number, and a 90 day evaluation. The benefits are about comperable. Davis pays fully for medical, the weather one is slpit 80-20. They both have 401K, the weather one matches the 15%, Davis matches 3 1/2% Davis has tuition reimbursment, the weather one doesn't.

I really don't know what to do. I am leaning towards the Davis job, it's only 4 days a week, Mon. - Thur. but the swing shift is presenting a problem for me. I'm not sure what to do when the kids are back for the summer. If I have to go to work at 4:15 in the afternoon, somebody is going to have to watch them. I know Sam is old enough, at 14 to stay home alone, but Matt isn't ready, and I'm not ready to leave them unsupervised for 10 hours a day. Who would make dinner? Who would settle fights? But if the stay in Kentucky, for the next school year, I wil have 10 months with out them here. There is a week or 2 throughout the year, but not much time. I will be able to take classes during the daytime. And have 3 day weekends.

I'm not sure what to do. Neither of these is my dream job. Should I refuse both and wait for something else? I'm not that big of a gambler. I've had 3 interviews, and rececived 2 offers. I think I am a good find for any business. But this no money thing, borrowing from mom isn't a good fit for me.

holy crap... what to do...

Day 6...things are looking better...

2006-03-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

Don't you just love my mood swings. I know I do. I had a major one today. I slept in until 11:00, then got up and had breakfast while surfing. At 12:00 I was bored and couldn't think of anything to do. Well, anything fun at least. Since I am cash strapped for another week or so, I can't really go out. I can't go for a drive because I need to save gas. So, I went back to bed and slept until 2:00.

All this sleeping I've been doing causes me some concern. On those depression comercials, sleeping a lot is a major sign, and I have been sleeping a lot. But when I woke up, I was in a better mood, and came up with a whole list of things to do (mostly cleaning). I even wrote them all down, because after a while, I tend to foget all the things on the list.

I am working my way through them, having a pretty good afternoon. I am ironing clothes right now, and I have a few minutes before the dryer stops. Plus Sam is supposed to call me soon. I've been calling all week, but I haven't been able to get a hold of them. Frustrating.

I actually put a profile on yahoo personals today. God I hate doing that. I never know what to say. I wanted to respond to someone else's add, but I had to make my own first. Another baby step. i know, I need to take big boy steps too. Yes... I will...

Day 4... depression sets in...

2006-03-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those people who knows the right thing to do, but I just don't do it often enough. I know I shoud be getting out of the house and doing things rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. but, that's what i am doing. I haven't found a job yet that really excited me. the first one I interviewed for was was pretty ood. I liked it. but I din't get it. This morning I got a call from my old boss saying that Davis Tool call to check my references. Then i got a call from my other boss saying the same thing. it looks like things are moving forward with this job.

i jsut watched The Weather Man with Nicholas Cage. Not a Hollywood ending. It didn't help my mood. But when it was over, i came back to the computer to check my email and I got one from the other job i am in the running for. He said they want to make me an offer, can i come in on Monday and talk with them. Well, I should be happy! Excited!

I'm not. This is the same kind of job I have been doing for the past 6 years. The same job I was bored out of my mind doing. It will be different, I'll be learning and building a new product, but after 6 months, when i get everything learned, I'm afraid i'll be bored again. I think they will offer me the smae salary i had before, the Davis Tool job will be less. i can try to bump them up to my level, but I don't know how that will work. Plus the hours are really weird there. maybe I could get used to it, but I don't know.

Mom is getting that concerned look in her eyes again. She is worried that I am gtting depressed. I try to put on a happy show when I'm there, but I am not as convincing as I used to be.

i don't even want to think about money. I have $4.00 left, and I won't get a check until at least a week from now. I paid the rent, but not the car payment. I have been putting off calling them. I really should before they call me. Tomorrow.

I Finally Did It...

2006-03-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the gym ! !!! I know I said I was going to go yesterday, but I didn't. I didn't plan on going today either. I got up at 9:00, played on the web for a while and ate breakfast. Then I had to wait for breakfast to settle and about 10:30, I decided to go to the gym or back to sleep. I chose back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30, feeling depressed because I didn't have anything to do. Of course I have lots to do, but nothing fun. I have clothes to wash and fold (I never fold them or put them away). But on a whim, out of nowhere, I got dressed and picked up my gym bag and walked out the door. I didn't think about it long enough to talk myself out of it. I didn't have lunch and I have to be aware of my blood sugar level, so i had half a Cliff before I went in.

I used a new machine today, I really like it. It has a timer on it, and i was just praying that I got to 20 minutes. HA! I made it to 30 minutes, plus a cool down. And... the best part... I didn't feel like I was dieing. And i didn't have to go get sick afterwards either. And, my mood is way way way better thatn before I went. I know people say that, but they could just be saying that to trick you into going to the gym. I'm a glass is half empty kind of guy.

I'm going to call the boys now that I can do it earlier.

No news on the job front, I did put in my claim for unemployment today. hopefully I will get a check next week.

...

Day 2... reality sets in...

2006-03-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

So here I am, on the 2nd day of unemployment. Friday was more like a vacation day for me. I know it was really the first day of no work, but it was like taking a day off. Very nice. Today it's official. I have no job. It was very nice sleeping in this morning, then turning on the TV while laying in bed. But of course there was noting on to watch, so I turned it off and got on the internet. Oh the internet... Thank god for you.

I have to find something to keep me busy. I packed my bag to go to the gym, then I ate some oatmeal. Now I am full and I want to wait a little while before I go. I don't want to puke again like last time. I am going to the Bruce Willis movie today. I have a couple of free tickets so I'm going to take my mom. I wanted to go the the 12:30 show, then unfortunately, it would be too late to go to the gym. Damn... it's always something. But she can't go until the 3:00 show. Well shit, now I have to go to the gym. I'm out of excuses.

I am officially out of money too. Even worse, my checking account is overdrawn... a lot. And I have no job for money coming in. I will get my unemployment, but not for another week or two. My, things are going swimmingly. I think I am in denial about my situation. I was $23.00 short for the rent, I had to borrow $40.00 from my mom. God I hate doing that. So I have a month reprieve before panic sets in again. I am late on my car payment. I have to call them and see what we can do. I hope they have some kind of plan for the end of my world. I hope.

Argg. I am lonely sitting here. I joined that Meet in Portland group, but there aren't any events that I want to go to yet. I guess I should find something to do to get out of the house. I can't afford to spend money on gas either, so I can't take off and drive somewhere far away.

The Oscars were on last night. And I had to go to a birthday party at 6:30. You can't schedule a birthday party for the middle of the Oscars! MY GOD! It's a high holy day for my people. I tried to get out of it, but I was the ride for my mom and some other people, so I had to go. I did tape it though, and watched it when I got home. I really wanted Felicity Huffman to win. I love her. But Reese Witherspoon is great too. I love her too. I really love her husband. mmmm Ryan Phillipe mmmm He's yummy. George Clooney won, I like him too. Brokeback didn't win, I was a little dissapointed, but Crash was a great movie too. And I think John Stewart was great.

Can you tell I'm bored? I'm going to look at some naked dudes, then go to the gym.

The Interview...

2006-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

i had my interview today. I think it went pretty well. Now I have to decide whether or not to take the job if it is offered. Boy, I'm not sure. There are some red flags going up in my mind. It will be a paycut, I'm not sure how much yet. The strange hours. And here is the biggest issue I have with it. As I was sitting there filling out paperwork and waiting for the guys to come down and get me, I got to see a lot of the people who work in the shop. They said there are 160 people on the day shift. The atmosphere is very masculine. This is a shop. Big machines are used by big men doing manly things. Very testosteroney. :) I'm not sure how I will fit into that kind of situation. I'm not a flamer, it isn't that obvious that I'm gay. But I really don't know how comfortable I will be in this place. I know its not fair to generalize, butI will anyway. These kinds of places and guys are usually not very gay friendly. I have worked in warehouse environments before, with big guys doing big guy things, and it's kind of like a lockerroom. Fag is the worst insult available. I may be making more out this then necessary, I don't know. I think it is fair to step back and think about this. The culture of the workplace.

There are pluses too. Even though the shift is weird, it is only a 4 day week. If I don't go in until around 4:00, that gives me a lot more flexibility with school. There are lots more classes available during the daytime. I worry about not being able to join others and do things as much. I know! I'm doing that right now, but it is an option. And I plan to start. I swear.

Tomorrow I go in for a second interview with a small company like I used to work for. It would be doing pretty much the same thing I did for the last 6 years. I'm too psyched about that. But it would be easy, stable, close to home. I probably wont have to take a paycut. There's something to think about.

Ahhh. I don't know what to do...

Euphoric

2006-02-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

HEY!!!!! Boy am I in a good mood today. No particular reason, I went to the doctor this morning and my test results were very good. Officially I have lost 10 pounds. My A1C is 5.7, down from 6.4 3 months ago. Anything under 6.0 is very good. Woo Hoo. I got a call for an interview this Thursday. It is for a scheduler/expediter. I'm sure i can do that, whatever it is. Ha! The only caveat is that it is on swing shift. A weird swing shift too. It starts at 4:15 in the afternoon, until 2:45 at night. Or in the morning, however you look at it. Those would be strange hours to get used to. The plus side is that it is Monday through Thursday. So i would get a 3 day weekend, plus not going to work until 4:15 Monday is like a whole extra day. It is a very interesting idea. i want to see what the job entails before I plan my life around it.

Yesterday i joined a club where people get together to meet other people. It is called Meet in Portland. Here is a link. http://www.meetin.org/city/MEETinPORTLAND/index.cfm?Group=MEETinPORTLAND&Rem=2

it looks like a good place to meet people. The new person gathering isn't until the end of the month though. I don't have to wait until then to go to something, I just have to get up the balls to do it.

bye bye

I'm a little bummed right now

2006-02-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

I had a job interview on Wednesday. It went really well. They called me back late that afternoon and asked if I would come in for a secoond interview on Thursday, 1 of 3 people coming back. Thursday I met with the president and the person who'd job is up for filling. The lady, not the president, liked me and my answers. I couldn't get a feel for the president. It was almost like he already had his mond made up and was just going through the motions. They called me right before lunch and said they were going with an internal employee to fill the job. Well fuck. I'm not so much dissapointed in not getting the job, I maen I would have liked it and done well, but the fact that they pretty much had their minds made up about the internal person before calling me back. That's an assumption on my part, but I'm not stupid, I know the game works.

I'm more bummed about only having 2 days of employment left. What the fuck am I going to do? I'm not in full panic mode yet, but I can see it from here. Yikes! On the plus side, I was good enough to get called back for a second interview, and sine it has been years since I had to do that, I was pretty nervous about it. But at least I got one under my belt and will be more ready and prepared for the next one. See... a positive attitude.

On another note... I received an email out of the blue Wednesday night from someone responding to my profile on some gay website. He is at the coast and is going through a divorce right now and wanted to talk about how mine went down. We have sent a couple of emails back and forth and I assume will continue. He has a boyfriend, so it's not one of those kind of things. But making a friend right now would be great. If I get one, I can try to snowball that inot more. Wish me luck.

I should go back to work now... everyone is gone from the office except me right now.

it's been 4 days

2006-02-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

woops, I usually like to post more often, but I have been busy so far this week. Well kinda. I would have last night, ut when I got home from the diabetes class, my power was shut off. Completely my fault, the bill has been staring at me for a while now, but I didn't pay it. Not because I didn't have the money, but out of laziness.

I had a job interview this morning. I had some anxiety, but it wasn't anything compared to what it would had been before the pills and coulseling. I am glad it is working out. I think the interview went well. There were a few occasions where I had trouble getting my words out, but I was able to cover it well and still get my point accross. It is kind of a step down, maybe a little bit, but I need the income, and I could do this job without a lot of stress. If I make it to the short list by the end of this week, then I have to interview with the president and vice president of marketing for the company. That makes me nervous, but I'm sure I can handle it.

I will try to post more later, I should be working right now.

it started with a 1...

2006-02-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

OMG! OMG! OMG!

It happened! It finally happened! When I got n the scale this morning, it started with 1. I'm under 200 pounds. OMG! 199.6, but I'm not over 200 anymore. Holy shit! I didn't think this would actually happen. I knew it could, if I did the right things, but I have never done the right things before. I can feel and see a difference in my big Buddha belly. It is shrinking. Of course it is still rather bulbous, but progress has been made. I am very happy right now. I have been over the 200 mark for several years now, probably at least 5 if not more. Finally getting the depression under some control has helped extensively. But, it is because of the diabetes that the change has been made. More to the point, it is because I told my mom about the diabetes, at Hollys suggestion. Eating dinners with her for the past few weeks has really done wonders for me. I am eating well in the morning, lunch is better than before, mostly subway sandwiches. I need to start packing my lunch, then I will be in even more control over my food intake.

I told mom about loosing 14 pounds yesterday and thanked her profusely for her help, and she said that she is loosing weight again, 2 pounds last week, so by us working this together, it is showing benefits. It's all very exciting.

I have a lead on a job. It is through a tempo agency, but it is a temp to hire position. So after 3 months, the company will either let you go or hire you. I have no doubt in my abilities that i would be hired at the end of 3 months. It is something I could do rather easily. The bad part is the pay is $2.50 less than i make now. What to do? I doubt I will get that much in unemployment, and i need to have insurance to cover the diabetes. It's all very confusing. We'll see what happens next week.

Since I'm rambling on today, let me tell you about work yesterday. I finally had the chance to sit down with Stephen, on of my bosses and discuss what he wants form me for the month of February. Now that is almost over. I didn't care for it very much. He said that he expects more of me, and if I want any kind of future with them, I will have to be more proactive and professional. He wouldn't use the word professional, but he couldn't find a synonym for it he wanted. It was clear what he was saying. He asked about inventory levels, and I had done an informal count and had the numbers on my tablet. He asked for some I didn't count beforehand, so I went back and counted them. He said that this is what he was talking about. He wants a report, with the company logo, very professional, etc. Not the handwritten notes that I give him. Oh yeah, and I wasn't to take this personally. Well I did, fucker. There is a whole new manufacturing system that is almost ready to go. But he couldn't make it work on my PC, and told me in the first week that that will be on hold for a while. He was too busy writing code to fix it. Well fine, I will make do with keeping myself busy. He said he was unhappy to hear me say that I was running out of things to do, but he didn't tell me what he wanted! I did what he told me. Build up to a level of 30 units. OK, I did that, but now he wants to be ready to build 30 more units at the drop of that hat. If I had known that, I would have been working on it. But he didn't tell me until yesterday. So now I have a list of things to do and I am working steadily through them. Oh, and the new system is mine to figure out and make work. I will have to do it in his office. Ok, that's not a big deal. It is frustrating that he is unhappy with my work, I did what I was supposed to and did it without direction.

He said if I polish my work results, there will be opportunities to move into more things with them, like writing procedures and other things like that. It pisses me off that I was left floundering for half a month and then judged as less than because I didn't do what I didn't know I was supposed to, or that he told me was on hold. A very big part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off. But I am a grown up, and that wouldn't be the right thing to do. So, I will do what he asked, and I will knock it out of the park, as I am capable of doing, then I can tell him to fuck off. :)

This rant almost harshed my buzz over the whole starting with a 1, but then I remembered and my joy came back.

i'm off....

mind numbing boredom

2006-02-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

I am going out of my mind. I have been sitting here all day trying to milk a mornings worth of work to last all day. I was supposed to talk to the boss today and see what his plans are for me for the rest of the month. It didn't happen. Fuck, after today, I really won't have anything to do. I'm going nuts here. I need to be busy.

My job search is still quiet. (crickets) I am going to talk to a temp agency tomorrow. There was a job for $17.00 an hour that I could easily do, but they said it is not really that much. It would already be $2.00 less than I am making now, and if it is lower, I don't know if it's worth it. Here is the delima. Do I sit it out and collect unemployment until I find a new job? I don't have any idea how long that will take. Or do I take any job I can find for now and keep looking while I collect a paycheck? What about health insurance??? I kind of need that now, since I got the diabetes. What to do? What to do? I wish I knew. Fuck.

In other news... I called the boys on Tuesday and Matt was sitting in front of the computer. I asked him if he had the webcam set up yet, and he said that they couldn't make it work. So I walked him through setting it up. Which was not that easy, Matt's speech problem is worse over the phone. But we got it done, and I was able to see them! I can't tell you how good that made me feel. Just the phone calls were getting to be not enough for me. I was really starting to get down about missing them. But now I can see them while we talk. I was so excited that the next day I went out and bought a webcam for me. So last night we got to talk and we could see each other. It's is very exciting for me.

I called Joe and had him set up his webcam too. (I bought Joe's and Jim's kids webcams for Christmas) I will call Jim tonight and get him to hook his up. It will be pretty cool to have all these little windows open with family in each of them. I'm pretty pumped about this.

I am still eating good. Not perfect, but way better than before. I did have a kung pow chicken last week. I know that's not good for me. WAY too much rice, but it's good and I was really good the next day also. I have lost 14 pounds over the last 6-8 weeks. Unbelievable! Well, not really. I always knew all I had to do was actually eat correctly. Think about what it would be if I was going to the gym like I am supposed to. I almost did this morning, but at the last minute, I laid back down and slept. Wrong decision. I was awake at 6:00, when I woke up at 7:00, I was tired, and it took ne all morning to wake up. That must be my punishment for skipping the gym again. Tonight I will get everything ready to go and just get up and leave tomorrow.

I saw Holly last night. She hasn't read my blog for a week, so I didn't have to talk to her about Tim. I was worried she would bring it up. But she didn't, so neither did I. I wonder if she will next week.

You know what else sucks? I am just starting to be ready to go out more, but without a job, I can't afford to. Which is just another rationalization. I can order one drink and milk it all night. I was looking for volunteer oprotunities today, but I didn't see any that really jumped out at me. I will look again when I have more time. Not that I don't now, but I am at least trying to look busy.

30 minutes to go...

It's a sign...

2006-02-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

I just posted my last entry, and clicked over to LJ pics, and this was at the top of the list:

Regrets...

2006-02-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

I have some. I stayed home again today. I could have made it today, I'm not really that bad. I made the decision last night before I went to bed. I even wrote the email to my boss then, because in the morning my head is functioning at full speed. After yesterday, I felt ok in the morning, but crashed about lunchtime, I didn't want to go through that again. So I stayed home today. I don't feel too bad, I'm not well yet, but I could certainly work. (frustrated with myself)

Right now my biggest is yesterdays post. WTF was I thinking? That whole Tim thing was supposed to go to the grave with me. I don't know why I wrote that, other than he has been on my mind a lot. I can't stress enough how perfect he was/is. Because I want too, here is a story about him.

*THIS SECTION DELETED FOR NOW*

Maybe I will continue the story later. It is kind of nice to get it out, even if no one knows it.

On a different note, I am kind of down today. I haven't heard anything back form any of the resumes I sent out. I am really getting scared about being out of work. What am I going to do? Should I just settle for any job I can get? Take a pay cut? Wait it out on unemployment? How does that look to future employers, not having a job? It's good to be working when you switch jobs, although it's not my fault I was laid off. Fuck. I am lost here. Today is not good day. I hope part is because I feel guilty about not going to work today. And that my head still feels sick. I hope I'm not on another downward spiral. I'm going to lie on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe sleep. Sleeping so ,much worries me. It is a sign of growing depression. I'm going to pretend that it is from being sick that I am sleeping so much. Not depression. I hope...

Monday, and I'm still sick

2006-02-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

I felt bad this morning about calling in sick again. I just felt more tired than anything. Boy am I glad I did now. I think I had some kind of relapse. I went to Blockbuster and got a couple of movies, though I might sleep through them.

I have a concern. This no job thing, I'm afraid it may turn me into even more of a hermit. I seem to be retreating into myself. I haven't been to moms in a few days. I don't want to get her sick. I haven't talked to my brothers. I talked to the kids, they are doing well. But other than that, I am alone. I went to 3 movies this last weekend, by myself. I go out, but I am alone. I always feel alone. Even in a crowd. Even at a big family event. I have a close family, but I never feel like I fit with them. Probably because I was in the closet until I was thirty. I don't know if that will ever go away.

I don't even know where I am going today. I is kind of like a writing class.. just free writing. Saying what ever comes into my head. Apparently my filter is out sick today also.

I have another secret. Something that I have told no one. Ever. I'm going to share it with you now. I don't know why, maybe because my filter is out today. I was in love once. With a man. He was wonderful. He was my best friend, and he was straight. i was also married at the time. I think about him a lot. Recently I can't seem to get him off my mind. His name is Tim. That's enough for now. He was so beautiful. And kind, and funny and sexy and a good friend. I don't want to get into it all right now. But when i think back on it, falling in love with him was the beginning of my downfall. It is not his fault at all, but my inability to deal with myself loving Tim. God I miss him.... I don't think I will ever get over him...

I'm sick

2006-02-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

It's true. i am sick. I don't know where it came from, but I got it. Let me just say that I am the worlds biggest baby when i get sick. I readily admit this. I whine a lot, and whimper too. Sometimes it's so bad i annoy myself. But... I'm sick. I'm allowed to wallow in self pity. I just went out to eat a hamburger, and now I am exhausted. I also stopped at Blockbuster and got a couple of movies. I'm going to lay on the couch and either sleep or watch movies. Probably both.

I read a lot of blogs and the ones that I read have a lot shorter posts than I do. Do I talk too much? I don't know how to say what i want without using lots of words. I've decided not to care about the length of my posts anymore. That sentence sounds dirty to me. In a good way. Replace posts with another word and it is funny to me. I am so juvenile sometimes, not that that's a bad thing.

When I sat down here I had more to say, but now I'm just tired and can't remember anymore. Nappy time...

Here's a couple of new pics I found...

This one makes me laugh...

This one is just fucked up. I want to learn how to kayak, but not in the ocean.

It's cold in here...

2006-02-09T12:55:00.000-08:00

I sit in a backroom at the new place and do my work. All the nice offices in the front are heated very well, so well that they have to turn down the heat. But it gets cold in the back. They don't notice very often. Sometimes I have to wear my coat! Unbelievable! I keep forgetting to bring a sweatshirt. The previous bithcing was sarcastic. I don't think that comes across as intended. But it is cold here. My nipples are going to cut a hole in my shirt. That's a great title, I should have used that.

I'm in a good mood. Still haven't heard anything on the job front. Somehow I feel that things will work out. As long as I get enough unemployment to cover the bills.

I'm just about out of things to do here. I still have the rest of the month to go. I'm not sure what they want me to do. I can't stretch out the work, that's not right. So I build as fast as always, and now I'm out of work. I'm trying to find stuff to keep busy.

I gotta pee...

Where does the time go?

2006-02-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

I can't believe Wednesday is almost over. This week is going by fast. Today I wasn't in a great mood. I wasn't really down like I used to be either. I guess that is progress. Today I ate badly. I didn't set out to, but I did anyway. I forgot my breakfast groceries in mom's fridge yesterday, so i didn't have anything here for breakfast. I decided to buy a couple of bananas at the 7-11 across from work. Of course they were out of them today. I looked around for something else good, but all I could find was an unappealing apple. So I bought a coke and a danish. Bad. The good news is I drank less than half the coke, but I did finish the danish. Then by lunchtime my mood was down a little again, so I ate Frickin Chicken for lunch. Very not good for you. Of course I did eat well for dinner, and I checked my blood level afterwards and it is right where it's supposed to be. Tomorrows another day, I'll try again for perfection then.

I am going to have lunch on Friday with an co-worker from way back. JoAnn. She is the nicest person that I have ever met. One time I was hanging out in her cubicle and she got a phone call and at the end she laughed real hard. I asked her what was funny and she said that Art (the guy on the phone) said he was just "shitting me". But she wouldn't say shit, she spelled it out. "he was just s h i t t i n g me. That made me laugh harder than anything else. She is a lot of fun. I am a little nervous about whether or not to tell her I am gay. She is pretty excepting, as I remember, but she is also religious. I don't know what way she will go. I'm not sure if I will tell her or not. The last time we spoke I was still married. I'll let you know how it goes.

Yesterday mom and I went to the first diabetes class. I was so tired, I just wanted to go home. Of course my mom can never be late for anything, so we got there 15 minutes early. She lives less than 5 minutes away, but we had to leave at 20 minutes early so we could make it. Aggravating, but in an amusing way. It's one of things I will miss about her later.

I never know how to close a blog entry. What is the correct etiquette? How about a picture?

bye...

Tuesday

2006-02-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

Clever titles huh? So I didn't post last night like I said I would. Oops. Here is what's happening today. We had a meeting here at the new place, Bill came in for it as well. I miss him, and I think he misses me too. He was telling me that him and Brenda (his wife) don't want me going to the gay bars anymore. They don't want me to get bashed. I told him that I am always aware of that, but I'm not going to let fear stop me from doing what I want.

The reason I started this post is the meeting. I have been feeling really good lately, this morning I was thinking that maybe it isn't so out of the norm anymore for me to feel happy. It looks like it is the depression that is out of the norm now. Of course, I am feeling a little down right now, hence the whining your about to read. The purpose of the meeting today was to talk about the future of this business. All departments had were represented, except mine. There seems to be a positive growth phase for the upcoming year. It looks good for everyone, except me. They were all jazzed up at the end of the meeting, looking forward to the challenges ahead. But all I could think about is that I'm not going to be included in any of it. Not only am I depressed about that, but sitting there with these people, I felt outclassed. My inferiority complex came back today. WTF?

I got holy praise because I arranged the meal for everyone and delivered it to the table. Any idiot can do that. Any idiot can build these things that I build. I'm nothing special here, and I don't like it. I don't like being the low man on the totem pole. I want to be in the hierarchy. I want to be management, but I don't feel like I'm up to the level that management is. Maybe after school??? I hope so.

Still no job prospects. Ehh... I'm going to stop now, cause I'm just complaining. Hopefully it will get better later. My favorite story just posted a new chapter, I can look forward to reading that tonight. And Boston Legal is on. I love William Shatner. He is hilarious. See, I'm feeling better already...

Monday...

2006-02-06T12:48:00.001-08:00

Well hello there. Hope your day is going well, mine is so far. It's lunch time, and I just finished a sub sandwich, very good. I didn't buy a coke today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a bottle of water with my lunch. Big step for me. Let's see what tomorrow brings, can I stay off the coke for 2 days in a row?

Superbowl... the Seahawks were robbed. Stupid refs. I'm not too terribly upset over it though. It was a different feeling watching this game as compared to the ones in the past. I cared about one of the teams playing, that's a new feeling. Everything good was great, and everything bad was awful. But it's ok, we made it there, and there's always next year.

Still no news on the job front. :( Don't you hate it when you forget what you wanted to say. I just remembered why I got on here in the first place. I found diet / weight / calorie tracking site that I joined. I really like it. You put in your food for the day and it calculates all the info for you. I will post today's info when I get home. I'm sure there are lots of sites like this one, but I found this one and I like it. The good thing about it is there is a list of food to choose from, over 10,000 items. If it's not on the list, you can add it easily. And, you can put item into your favorite file. This is great since I eat the same things a lot, like breakfast. It will make updating the page quicker. I think you are supposed to use it as a meal planner, but I am using it more as a tracker. I will use it the other way as I get to it.

This is a strange feeling for me. I am taking the whole diet thing serious this time. It's different form all the times before when I would start and then stop after a couple of days. Even if I have a bad food day, I am coming right back to the plan. I am paying close attention to what I am eating. How weird for me.

I didn't go to the gym this morning. I don't know why. I woke up at the right time. I wasn't too tired, I felt awake. But I reset the alarm for later and went back to sleep. I think that tonight before I go to bed, I am going to get everything ready and in the bag so all I have to do is get up and get dressed and leave. Holly suggested that, and I haven't tried it yet. I'm doing good on all the other stuff, I want this gym to work too.

In Exile... Part Deux

2006-02-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

Fucking Verizon. I hate them. Those fuckers! It is now Thursday and I still don't have my internet back. They have been giving me the run around all week. Tomorrow it should be back on. I haven't even had access to a computer until yesterday, and then I didn't have the time write anything. So today I brought in my weekend post on my thunmb drive and posted it (without corrections... sorry) and I will update the rest of the week.

What a bad week to not be able to express myself. It has been very eventful. On Monday and Tuesday I worked up at Bill's house to get the shop up and running. It still needs about a days worth of time before it is functional. Unfortunately, I had to come to the other work on Wednesday.

Even at 5:00 on Tuesday night I told Bill that it didn't feel real to me that it was over. That I wouldn't be coming in to work with him anymore. It is a little upsetting. I have been there for 6 1/2 years. It's very comfortable and he is a great boss. I will miss it, and him. Bill and Brenda took me out to dinner on Tuesday night. We went to Mingo Cafe in Beaverton. I have not been there before. It is an Italian place, kinda hoity toity, well for me at least. The names of the meals on the menu were in Italian, I can't read that. At least the description was in English. Plus there were no prices on the menu. Bill asked what the people next to us ordered, it was the special, so I ordered that too. We had a nice conversation, but we never really said our goodbyes. I wanted to on the way home, but he can't hear in the car, and it would have felt strange talking from the back seat to the front. I have talked to him 3 times since then, I'm sure we will continue our friendship. I really value him. It's going to be very different from now on. Oh yeah, Wednesday morning at the other place, leaving Bill started to feel real, and not so good.

Wednesday wasn't a good day for me. I was down. I think part of the problem is that I lost my job through no fault of my own. I had nothing to do with the decision to change jobs, it is something that happened to me. I don't like that. I still don't have a line on another job. A couple of them said it would be a couple of weeks before they start the process. I will continue to look while I wait.

NOW...

The big news... I went back to Silverado last night with Jason. And we actually stayed for 2 hours! It was much better having someone there with me. I wasn't really uncomfortable at all. Well, that's not entirely true. There were a couple of times when someone made extended eye contact and I panicked and look away, probably with fear in my eyes. But other than that, it was a good time. Jason wanted me to dance. Me. Dance. No fucking way. I told him to go ahead, but he wanted me to go with him. I told him next time, I'm still in the baby step mode. He doesn't really understand how messed up I am about these kinds of things. I think he wanted me to go talk to people, but that is still just too weird/hard for me. I'm sure that once I got started, I would be ok, but getting started is the hurdle I can't overcome yet.

He wants to go back next week, probably on a Friday, when it is really crowded. I am ready to go back with him. He is pretty cool about the whole gay thing. He sat there with me and didn't seem uncomfortable at all. I can't imagine anyone else I know going with me and being that cool about it. Well, no guys, some of the women I know would be ok with it.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot the best part. At 10:00 they have dancers on the stage. Oh my, the first one was yummy. And the waiter, oh my, all he had on was a little tiny pair of gym shorts, very tight. He was gorgeous. I couldn't help but stare. I don't think they mind. They have to know people are going to look if they dress like that, and look like that.

There were quite a few attractive people. No porn this time, but slide shows of various men, naked, so I guess it was porn. But not anything graphic. Oh well, I have porn at home anyway.

All in all, it was a good time. I'm glad we did it and I'm ready to go again. Jason wants to get a group of people to go, then I won't be as uptight, he thinks. I'm fine with that too. But I need to find an easier way to meet people. There is too much pressure in a bar situation. Or maybe that's just me. :)

Then, today I'm reading the news on CNN.com, and there was an attack in a gay bar last night. In Boston. A guy went in and attacked 3 guys with a hatchet and then with a gun. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with people? I thought hearing something like this would give me second thoughts about going to a gay bar, but it just pisses me off, and makes me want to go more. Fuck those bigots. I spent enough of my life worrying about what others think. ... Pretty strong words from me, now if I just could back them up.

I should be back online at home tonight or tomorrow at the latest. Survivor is back tonight. Got to watch that.

bye...

In Exile

2006-02-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a little off. I didn't pay my bill and my internet/phone was shut off. Shame on me. I had the money, I jsut didn't pay it. I went this morning and paid them, the phne is back, but the internet isn't. I wanted to post something, but without access, hat to do? Then it came to me. I'll write it now, and cut and paste it later. Same difference, just a day late.

Yesterday, Friday, we moved out of the office up to Bill's shop. It was a busy day. Lots to do. We finished up about 6:30, and we haven't unpacked or set anything up yet. We have Monday and Tuesday for that.

I told Stephen (other boss) that I wasn't going to work this weekend, unless there was something that just had to be done. 2 whole days off... in a row. Holy cow. So today I got up and went to pay the previously mentioned bill. Then I went to office depot to buy a desk chair carpet cover thingy. Bill is giving me my office chair for my home. Very nice of him. I had good intentions for today to get a lot of things accomplished. I did pretty good. I didn't get everything done, but I did a lot.

I finished putting the chairs together for my new table. I cleaned the litter box and did 2 loads of laundry. Emptied all the garbage and recycling, it sure does pile up fast when there are take out containers on the counters. I vaccumed the dining room and moved the computer desk out there, next to the kitchen, as Holly suggested. I can see the kitchen and the TV from here.

Brenda laso gave me the shredder from the office. They have another one at home. I have a lot of old bills and unopened envelopes and papers to play with the shredder for a while. But a funny thing has happened, well not funny ha ha, but funny weird. Kinda. As I am sitting here going through all these old papers, it has started to depress me. For multiple reasons. Some of these were dated all the way back to 2000. I haven't made any progress in all this time. Lots of unopened bill and collection notices. And just today, I had the phone shut off. Fuck... what is wrong with me. All I can think of is that I am just lazy. i started this process out thinking that I am going to get on top of things, and stay on top of them. I am very discouraged now though. I'm not giving up, but discouraged.

The other problem is i found pictures from back then, when we were a happy family. Well, they were happy and I was lying to keep up appearances. It was Sam's eight birthday party. They were beating a piniata. They are so adorable. God I miss them. I miss what we had. Sometimes I wish it would go back to the way it was. I wish I could have found a way to get over being gay. Or take a pill and make it go away. I want my family back. Only, I want Tonya back then, when she was fun. Of course I have to take some responsibility for her changing. Having your husband come out of the closet is bound to fuck you up. We had a good life, except for my secret. The kids were happy. We bought a house. We made decent money. Things were good. Except for my secret.

When I think back though, I know i would have never made it this far by keeping the secret. It was making me crazy. Am I better now that's out? I think so, at least a little. But I miss my kids. They are going to grow up without me. We talk on the phone, but it isn't the same. I want to hug them. It hurts so much some times I don't know how I stand it.

Fuck, now I'm down. I don't know if it's better to deny that anything is wrong and not think about it. I am good at that. Or to think about it and let the horrible feelings come .

Fucking shredder...

On a good note, I talked to Jason and he is going to go out with me. I will call him Monday night and set up a time. That is a good thing. Let's try to stay positive here.

I'm going to watch The Wedding Cashers. maybe that will cheer me up.

Here's hoping the internet is back up tomorro

so tired

2006-01-26T21:15:00.001-08:00

I have been really tired this week. Maybe it has to do with eating real food. After dinner, when I'm sitting and talking with my mom, I start to get tired. I am really tired. I didn't even watch Lost last night, I taped it and went to bed at 9:00. I haven't been to bed that early in years. I'm going to sleep early again tonight, at 10:00, after that new show Crumbs. I'm not sure if I like it or not yet, but it has a gay character on it so I like to see how they portray that.

It is bothering me that I don't have a life. Sitting here in front of the mac is not very fulfilling. I'm bored and lonely. I left word for Jason (my niece's husband) to call me. He will go out with me and then I won't be stuck at home. I'm thinking about joining some kind of volunteer organization. I was going to do that last year, but i got too busy with school and a second job. Right now I have plenty of spare time on my hands, maybe if I am helping someone else, it will help me too. After all, it's all about me.

This job thing is starting to bother me. Not a lot, but there is a little nagging going on in the back of my mind. I will be able to collect unemployment, but it won't be half as much as I make now. The big question is do i wait a couple of months for the right job, or panic and take the first thing that I can find. That is what I would do in the past. Am I adventurous enough to go without work for a while? I don't know. Now would be the time to do it. Without the boys here, just myself to look after. I think I could cut back enough to scrape by.

I occurs to me that I haven't yet mentioned my mood today. It is good, thank you. Maybe I'm getting used to being in a good mood now, and it doesn't occur to me to write it down as the first part of my entry. I will say that as i sat here at the computer tonight, my mood decreased a little because I am lonely and want to have a life. But it didn't go all the way to depression. Just a little down, and then it went back to normal. I didn't even notice the change. How weird. I'm used to being able to know when my mood changes.

I have a great cat, Gary. He is sleeping on the bed next to me. All stretched out. He's big. And orange. I have a thing for orange tabby cats. I always have.

Crumbs is on... gotta go...

oh balls...

2006-01-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention, I didn't go to the gym again today. I went to bed early, by 9:30, and I slept very well. I just didn't want to go this morning. I will have to think about why. Laziness? Maybe. My cognative abilities are not what they should be at 6:00 in the morning, and I am not succesful when arguing with the part that says just go back to sleep. That part seems to make a lot of sense, compared to the part that wants me to go out in the cold and drive to the gym and exercise. Fuck that. My bed is very comfy.

I have to do better on this. Holly will be dissapointed. :(

insert Howard Dean scream here

2006-01-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how to get what's in my head on the screen. I think the header will suffice. Well, it's another day, and I'm still in a pretty good mood. I haven't been euphoric lately, just in a reasonably good mood. I think the teetering point first thing in the morning is going away also. It is almost unrecognizable anymore. It's there, but I don't even think about it anymore.

I have been doing well with breakfast and dinners. Dinners thanks to mom. It is very nice to show up from work and have the table set and dinner ready to eat. Ah.. the good old days when women knew their place. Now if I could get her to have my slippers ready too. Nah, just kidding. I am very appreciative for what she is doing for me. I tell her every night. It is also helpful for her, by cooking for me she s cooking for herself also, and we are both eating much better than before. I will do something nice for her in return.

I made it to the gay bar the other night. It seems like it is something that has been checked off my (mythical) list. It's done, now I can forget about it. I don't have to do it again. That seems to be the way my mind is treating it. I conquered it, and now am done with it. That's not right, this was the first step. I need to make more first steps, and then actually follow them up with a second step. I am going to email my sister in law and see if she can get a hold of my niece's husband for me and have him give me a call. He was serious about going with me, so I am going to ask him out. :)

I haven't heard form any of the people I sent resumes to. Why aren't they beating down my door to hire me? Goddamnit, do I have to do everything???

I resisted my morning demons today

2006-01-25T08:54:00.000-08:00

I guess that's not entirely true. I woke up semi-late, just enough time to get ready and go, but I surfed too long on the internet. I am supposed to be at work at 8:00. I just finished putting on my shoes at 8:00, and since I was now late, I decided to stop and get a coke and dainsh for breakfast. But I thought on it and Holly's words came back to haunt me." When are you going to motivate yourself?" Well fuck... so I had a bowl of cereal instead. Not the best breakfast in the world, but certainly better than a coke and danish.

The demon that I didn't beat was the gym one. I set the alarm for 6:00 and went to bed early. I had every intention of going to the gym today. When the alarm woke me up, I felt awake enough to function, but after I went to the bathroom, I came back into the bedroom and reset the alarm and got back under the covers. And slept wonderfully for another hour. So, I'm 50-50 on my morning demons.

I signed up for the diabetes class next month. We are supposed to bring a support person, so mom is going with me. She is happy about that. I talked to my doctor about switching drugs, and he said it was up to me. I told him that since I have been having good days the past couple of weeks, maybe the drugs have finally kicked in. If I start swinging again, he said to call and he will call in a different prescription for me. I will make a decision next week after I see Holly.

going to a gay bar... part 2

2006-01-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

I did it. Oh my god. I did it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be. I knew it wouldn't be, but irrational fear is just that, irrational. I am focusing on the positive. I was able to do it. I went in, and had a drink. I didn't talk to anyone though. I'm not too upset over that. It would have been great if it happened, but just getting in there was a HUGE accomplishment for me. It wasn't very crowded, thank god. I went in and it didn't look like there was an open spot at the bar. There were groups of people with one empty stool between groups, so I went to one of them and ordered a drink. I should have stayed right there, then I would have had a chance to talk to someone, probably. But I noticed there was part of the bar I didn't see at first and took my drink down to the end of the bar, where no one was, and surveyed the room. I needed a minute to calm down. The problem was that I isolated myself from the rest of the people, then I couldn't get up the stones to go up to anyone who was alone. I drank my drink way too fast, so I ordered another one. I drank that one too fast too. I stayed for about 15 minutes in total. So, the 2 negatives are I didn't talk to anyone, and I didn't stay that long. But fuck the negatives. I did it. Next time will be different.

It's the catch 22 thing again. I don't want to go alone, it's too intimidating. But I need someone to go with. My niece's husband offered to go with me. I am going to try and get a hold of him and take him up on the offer. If someone is with me, I will be able to stay longer and relax, I think.

I'm going to go bask in my glory now...

p.s. they play porn on the TV sets in there... hardcore... oh my

p.s. 2 - I took a souvenir to prove that I went... in case anyone suspects me of lying... :)

going to the gay bar..part 1

2006-01-24T19:16:00.000-08:00

Holy shit! I don't want to do this. I do, but... holy shit. I wasn't nervous before. Now I am. I was looking online to see which gay bar I should go to, there are people there. I saw the pics. Good god, I can't do this. That's what I keep saying to myself. i can't do this. I can't do it. No way No how. NO!

Alright, I'm gonna do it. I swear. I'm gonna feel like such an idiot. What do I do, just walk in and go up to the bar. What if there are too many people there? What if I can't get to the bar? What if there is no place to sit at the bar? Then what? Sit at a table by myself? LOSER I could always ask to join someone at their table... yeah, right. What if no one talks to me? Do I just go up randomly to some stranger and start a conversation? I can't do that! This is a huge step for me, just making it into a bar. Actually starting conversation, that is for next time.

They better be friendly to me. Or at least neutral. Just nothing bad. A nice calm drink. I hope it's dark in there. I just know my face will be all red. It gets that way when I am embarrassed or uncomfortable. Jesus, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I really think I may have a stroke. If my blood pressure wasn't a problem before...

Wish me luck, holy fucking shit!

Am I too liberal with the exclamation points?!?

2006-01-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

I'm just wondering. I look back at the last few post titles and there a mojority of them have excalmation points. Am I that happy? ... You know, I had a point to this, but I lost it. Don't you hate when that happens.

I had a good dinner last night. It was yummy. I had oatmeal for breakfast, with Splenda brown sugar. It has an aftertaste. I can still taste it. The regular sugar is ok. I should have lunch at home, then dinner at moms, so this should be a day when I eat right all three meals. I can do it!

You know I notice in these posts that I hardly ever mention the boys. I think about them a lot. I wish they were here, and not living there. I know I made a mistake by not fighting to keep them here. That makes me feel bad. They are not having a great time there, Sam is having problems adjusting. Matt is hard to get a read on. I think he wants to be with his mom, but he wants to be here where his cousins are. They are all really close. I guess I try to put them out of my head because missing them will put me into a depression. But not thinking about them makes me feel guilty. Ah, the catch 22. I seem to have a lot of those lately.

I have to see Holly today. She is going to want to know what I did last week to get out there. Well, nothing. Yet. My plan is to go to the bar tonight. It has to be early in the week so it won't be crowded. Sunday - Tuesday. Sunday I was busy, last night I could have went, but I was tired and... (no excuses, I should have went, but I didn't want to) Tonight is the night. I can feel it. Yesterday I felt good too about going, but after dinner I got sleepy and went home and curled up under a blanket.

Work is almost over. I am just about out od things to do at the office. I assume I will be here until the end of the month. I don;t want it to end. I am going to miss Bill, and working here. It has been the best job I have had. I don't think I will get another one like it. I am starting to feel quite a bit of stress over not having a job. How am I going to pay my bills? And child support? I will pay that before rent or my car payment. I won't let her hang late child support over my head. I know I would hear about it for the rest of my life, even after the kids are grown. Finding a job is hard work. (a W reference) I'm trying to stay positive. It is working so far. Earlier I was teetering on the edge of good vs bad moods, I tipped over to the good side. I don't know why that happens.

Aw crap, I forgot to call the doctor this week. She's gonna ask me about that. I will call now.

bye...

Hi!

2006-01-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day, so far. :) I did not eat a good breakfast, at all. Period. SHame, shame on me. I had a coke and a danish. I didn't do it out of depression, I just procrastinated too long this morning. And I wanted it. I walked by the bananas, but I picked up the danish. You know the funny thing is, I don't enjoy drinking coke that much anymore. It seems that all I taste is the syrup. Why do I keep buying it? Why? I will probably have a burger with Bill for lunch, then we are going to his shop to wire it for the big move. Then I will go to mom's for dinner.

Boy, she is sure on me about everything I eat. I knew she would be, that's probably why I didn't tell her before. At least I am loved.

going to do some work now...

Going to the Super Bowl!

2006-01-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

I am in a good mood tonight! Maybe it's because the Seahawks won and are going to the Super Bowl. It was a good game, they really dominated the Panthers. It was awesome.

I had some birthday cake. It was good. I also had some coke, but not a lot. I told Bill i would help him moves some furniture this morning, after 10:00. I slept until 10:30, then i checked my email and he sent one last night saying they would be at the office at 10:00. Woops. They weren't upset, they were happy that I was willing to help them. It went smoothly, then I went to Jim's to watch the game.

Yesterday started out pretty good. It stayed good until Andrew showed up. I feel very bitter towards him and Stephen for not giving me a job. I know that's not fair to them, they never promised me anything, but they could use me. They undervalued what I can bring to the table and that upsets me. Plus, I know they are playing the numbers game by having me work part time, they don't have to pay as much and no insurance. I don't want to work for them anymore, and when I find a new job I will leave them. Maybe if I tell them that upfront, they will put me o full time, but I don't want to force my way into a job that doesn't want me. Anyways, I feel hostile towards them, and I know I am not hiding it as well as I usually can. They repeatedly ask me if everything's alright, and of course i say yes, but I know they can tell. And they can probably figure out the reason too.

After I left work yesterday, things picked back up and I was in a good mood the rest of the night. Today has been good as well.

i gotta go, West Wing is starting.