So today is all about feeling sorry for myself (again). Life is just way to craptastic. I was going to say lately, but it really nothing new. New shit, different day.
So on to what I miss most... having some one to hold on to you while you cry for a while. (like now)
I can't finish this now. I'm at work supposedly working and I'm working up to a total breakdown here. So I'm going to stop. I'll just say that I need a hug. If only I had someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok. I don't need a relationship for that, a friend would work well too. But of course I don't have any of those either.
fuck me...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
What if it happened more than once??
So... hi everybody. I know it's been a while, and a lot has happened in the time I have been absent. Things that I have wanted to share, but did not due purely to laziness.
I have also started a new blog,
because I still want to blog, but the people who will be reading it now are people that I don't necessarily want to read some of my past posts. So, I will continue with this blog for my more "private" thoughts, such as I really need to get laid. Seriously... I am so ready for it to happen. There is a new guy on my softball team, tall and very, very skinny that I am into. I like skinny, and young too. He's 22. I don't even care if it makes me a perv at 38 to have a 22 year old fuck buddy. I so wanted to ask him to come to my place and "mount me" last weekend at the game. But I settled for a car ride instead. I don't know why, but I am drawn to him in a sexual way.
But anyway, this is not why I'm here today. The title of the post refers to my childhood. Last night right before bed, I was flipping through the channels and I came across the end of "Mysterious Skin". It starts Joseph Gordon Levitt(?) as a hustler who was molested as a child. It's also has another sub story about another boy who was also molested and Joseph's character, at age 8, helped the pedo to get the other boy to cooperate. It's is a good movie, although maybe not so uplifting.
As the credits started rolling, I thought back to when I was little, and a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to give details, but I remember being young, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It wasn't a traumatic episode, the person was someone I knew and trusted. I remember the room where it happened and the things we did.
The question that came to me was: "what if happened more than once...". I was dumbstruck. How at my age could I have never thought of that before? Did happen before or after and I don't remember? Did it? I can't think of a reason that it would matter now to know, I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I am more surprised that I didn't think of it.
And another thing that has always been in my head. It's the nature vs. nurture thing. Was I really born gay, or did the fact that I was molested by another male at such a young age influence me towards homosexuality? I am 99.9% sure that you are born gay. I don't think it's something that can be learned. That it is a choice. I mean, when did all the heteros make that choice?
So... there you have it. I'm back baby!
peace...
I have also started a new blog,
because I still want to blog, but the people who will be reading it now are people that I don't necessarily want to read some of my past posts. So, I will continue with this blog for my more "private" thoughts, such as I really need to get laid. Seriously... I am so ready for it to happen. There is a new guy on my softball team, tall and very, very skinny that I am into. I like skinny, and young too. He's 22. I don't even care if it makes me a perv at 38 to have a 22 year old fuck buddy. I so wanted to ask him to come to my place and "mount me" last weekend at the game. But I settled for a car ride instead. I don't know why, but I am drawn to him in a sexual way.
But anyway, this is not why I'm here today. The title of the post refers to my childhood. Last night right before bed, I was flipping through the channels and I came across the end of "Mysterious Skin". It starts Joseph Gordon Levitt(?) as a hustler who was molested as a child. It's also has another sub story about another boy who was also molested and Joseph's character, at age 8, helped the pedo to get the other boy to cooperate. It's is a good movie, although maybe not so uplifting.
As the credits started rolling, I thought back to when I was little, and a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to give details, but I remember being young, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It wasn't a traumatic episode, the person was someone I knew and trusted. I remember the room where it happened and the things we did.
The question that came to me was: "what if happened more than once...". I was dumbstruck. How at my age could I have never thought of that before? Did happen before or after and I don't remember? Did it? I can't think of a reason that it would matter now to know, I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I am more surprised that I didn't think of it.
And another thing that has always been in my head. It's the nature vs. nurture thing. Was I really born gay, or did the fact that I was molested by another male at such a young age influence me towards homosexuality? I am 99.9% sure that you are born gay. I don't think it's something that can be learned. That it is a choice. I mean, when did all the heteros make that choice?
So... there you have it. I'm back baby!
peace...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I got caught being gay at work...
Kind of an attention grabbing post title.
It's not what you think (pervs).
I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.
Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.
It's not what you think (pervs).
I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.
Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Randomness...
First of all, I need to start with a picture. I found this surfing a couple of days ago on the Live Journal picture page (it’s in my list of links). I could, and do, waste hours refreshing this page. I’m kind of a voyeur I guess. Any ways... I saw this and it made me laugh, really hard. And now each time I open it and see it again, I laugh just as hard. Maybe it’s just me, it makes me smile.
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I'm so high...
How's that for an attention grabbing title? Huh...?I am here at work, and yes it's true, I have become impaired. I had a root canal yesterday and my dentist is generous with the Vicodin prescriptions. So, I took a couple this morning and then I took two more after lunch. Wow, am I ever fucked up. The good news is that the boss is out sick today, well not such good news for him. I've been thinking about what to post for a while. This may be another one of my rambley ones... you've been warned.
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Todd & Pony
So things are happening right now, I have stress, of course. I have been called a loser by members of my family. Not using that word, but in essence. And more stuff like that too. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly I just feel stress. But I'm not here about any of that today.
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Mommy and Me
That title makes me smile. Maybe I am alone in getting the joke, maybe not, but it’s all about me anyways, so there.
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
Friday, January 19, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Freedom...
I'm all full of new experiences. fully intended to blog more often after my last post. Circumstances stepped in the way though. I really like my new doctor. I called the office last Monday to see if there was any medicine they could give me fr the cramps until I was able to make the next appointment. The soctor himself called back about half an hour later and asked me to come on in now and talk. They just received the lab work back and it confirms that I do indeed have Crohns disease. There were 2 ways to treat it, take pills at home and wait, or go into the hospital for steroid treatment. I chose the hospital to get this fixed as quickly as possible.
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
Friday, January 05, 2007
What's new with me
Hello again. Happy new year to all. I've been out of commission for a while, I thought I would update this thing and let people know what is going on. My boys were here for Christmas week. We had a great time. I miss them so much, but at least my fear of there being any weirdness between us is not true. We are just like we were before they left, thank god.
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
Monday, November 20, 2006
I've made a huge mistake...
My favorite line from Arrested Developement. It feels appropriate to my current situation. It’s been a while since I posted last. I have rarely been in the mood to share, in fact I’m not in the mood now but I will anyway.
A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.
A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.
Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.
The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….
So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.
Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...
A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.
A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.
Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.
The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….
So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.
Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...
Monday, October 16, 2006
I kissed a drag queen...
Alternate post titles for today:
Blogging in absentia...
Tales from the trailer...
Screaming from the hinterland...
So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.
Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.
Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.
Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.
Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.
Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.
I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.
Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.
It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.
What a great night.... the end
Blogging in absentia...
Tales from the trailer...
Screaming from the hinterland...
So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.
Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.
Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.
Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.
Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.
Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.
I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.
Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.
It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.
What a great night.... the end
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Small things
It's funny to me how sometimes small things can make such a big impact. It's not a big secret that I have had a rough few days since my kids left. I have been a little mopey :) and maybe sounded a bit whiney. Well today was no different. Yesterday afternoon after lunch I got quiet. I don't think I said 10 words the rest of the day. I was just depressed. This morning started out the same way. Maybe it's because I was tired. Who knows?
Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.
So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.
Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.
Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)
Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.
So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.
Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.
Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
I need some practice
At a lot of things, but today lets talk about batting. While the boys were here, we went to Bullwinkles Fun Shack (or whatever its called). Since it was a weekday, there were hardly any kids there. The best way to go to a kids place. I bought the full package: mini golf, go karts, laser tag, batting cages, and lots of video games. The batting cages were my downfall.
Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.
We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.
Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.
This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.
Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.
Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.
Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.
We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.
Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.
This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.
Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.
Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.
Today in my life...
So here I am, after a long unpleasant weekend, ready to share with you again.
I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.
Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.
I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.
They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.
Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.
I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.
Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.
Until next time…
I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.
Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.
I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.
They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.
Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.
I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.
Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.
Until next time…
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Remember me?
My God, has it really been two weeks since I last blogged? I have been pretty busy lately, and I’ll admit it, a little lazy too.
I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.
My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.
The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.
I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.
I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.
While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)
The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…
I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.
I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.
My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.
The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.
I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.
I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.
While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)
The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…
I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Still having a great time
Since we last spoke, things have been going pretty good. I made a mistake on Friday night though. A very DUMB mistake. It's something I won't repeat anytime soon. When I stayed out late for karaoke the other night, by the end of the night I was impaired and all the guys that I was sitting with were smoking. I haven't smoked since I was 21, so that's 15 years ago. I really wanted one that night. I haven't craved one for years and years, but I wnated one that night.
So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.
Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.
The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!
Love you all...
So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.
Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.
The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!
Love you all...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A great time was had by...... ME!
Good morning my friends. I thought I would take the time to blog before I start working today. Why not start the day off right?
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Saturday, September 09, 2006
too pissed to be creative
Once again I have waited too long to post and I have too much to say. I'll try to get it all out.
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Too much inside my brain...
You know, I should really do this more often. I have so many things to say, and now to put them all into one post would be long and make me look even more schizo than ever. So, I will narrow it down a little.
This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.
On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.
I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.
I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs. So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.
I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….
jeff
This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.
On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.
I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.
I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs. So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.
I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….
jeff
Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday
It’s done; I officially gave my notice to vacate my apartment by the end of September. Now…. The question is… where to go??? Of course my initial response is to move into the city into a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment. I have even looked at a couple. But the practical part of me (albeit a very small part) knows I need some time to catch up. My brother is buying a travel trailer for camping by next weekend. His wife and him have offered to let me stay in it rent free for a few months to try and catch up financially. Realistically, this is what I need to do. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lean on my family any more than I already have. But if I were to move into another apartment right away, I would be able to afford it, but I wouldn’t be able to also pay back some of the money I have had to borrow over the past few months. I really need to do that. Of course, my mom says not to worry about it, but I do. You have to pay your own way. So that’s what I think I will do. I’ve always been a little trashy, now I’m going to be full blown trailer trash.
There has been something else on my mind recently. I need to get laid. I have been celibate long enough. I’m not quite sure how to put out the vibe that I’m ready though. I’m not really a “first move” maker. I will attack on the second move, but I don’t really initiate the contact. So how do I let guys know I’m willing and ready? Should I show up at CC’s in a banana hammock? Maybe write fuck me across my forehead? Maybe I should just stand up and announce to the room that I’m ready.
Any hints or pointer would be great…
There has been something else on my mind recently. I need to get laid. I have been celibate long enough. I’m not quite sure how to put out the vibe that I’m ready though. I’m not really a “first move” maker. I will attack on the second move, but I don’t really initiate the contact. So how do I let guys know I’m willing and ready? Should I show up at CC’s in a banana hammock? Maybe write fuck me across my forehead? Maybe I should just stand up and announce to the room that I’m ready.
Any hints or pointer would be great…
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Hey There!
Well hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I have a few new things to share. My decision on whether or not to move has been made for me. I received a letter from my apartment manager informing me that my lease is up at the end of September, and that my rent will increase $100.00 per month, plus another $15.00 for my parking space. Or, I can go to a month to month agreement, for approximately $200.00 per month. So, I am out of here at the end of September.
The timing sucks though because the boys are coming back at the end of September. I am thinking of leaving more towards the middle of the month, and then staying in a hotel with the boys while they are here for a week. I’ll pick one with a pool, they’ll like that.
Yesterday I looked at an apartment downtown, at 12 & Washington. It was more than a little disappointing. Very very small. I don’t mind a small place, but this couldn’t have been more than 300 sq. feet. So, the search continues.
Hooking up with a roommate or 2 isn’t a bad idea, I think. But here’s the rub, how do you pick a stranger as a roommate? I see lots of listing on Craigslist that seem promising. But jeez, how can I narrow down the field so it is the right decision? I don’t want to move again very soon. I need to pick the right place.
I am confident though that everything will work out. I feel like I have turned a corner recently, my bad juju days seem to be gone. I know it’s only been a week or two, but everything feels much better now. Even with the challenges I’m facing.
Bye Bye! (voice of John McGlauphlin)
The timing sucks though because the boys are coming back at the end of September. I am thinking of leaving more towards the middle of the month, and then staying in a hotel with the boys while they are here for a week. I’ll pick one with a pool, they’ll like that.
Yesterday I looked at an apartment downtown, at 12 & Washington. It was more than a little disappointing. Very very small. I don’t mind a small place, but this couldn’t have been more than 300 sq. feet. So, the search continues.
Hooking up with a roommate or 2 isn’t a bad idea, I think. But here’s the rub, how do you pick a stranger as a roommate? I see lots of listing on Craigslist that seem promising. But jeez, how can I narrow down the field so it is the right decision? I don’t want to move again very soon. I need to pick the right place.
I am confident though that everything will work out. I feel like I have turned a corner recently, my bad juju days seem to be gone. I know it’s only been a week or two, but everything feels much better now. Even with the challenges I’m facing.
Bye Bye! (voice of John McGlauphlin)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
G'Day
Well hello there, how've you been? I've been just fine thanks. I thought I would share a couple of new developements with you. First, I talked with my boss yesterday about increasing my salary. I was looking for a $3000.00 per year bump, he came in with $2000.00. In the past I would have said thank you and then kicked myself for not standing up for what I need. But this time I said that I was hoping to get a little closer to what I was making in my old job. I told him what I needed, and he said he would run some numbers and let me know next pay period when my check gets here. So at the least I will be getting the $2000.00, maybe even more. Thank god, I didn't want to have to change jobs again.
The second thing is while browsing Craigslist for cheaper apartments or rooms to rent, I came across something that looks promising. It is a large 3 bedroom apartment with 2 30 - 40 ish gay guys, looking for a 3rd roommate. I answered the ad and he answered me back saying he would like to meet me and have me come look at the place. Financially this is something I need. The reduction in rent would be great, it would really help me out. But living with roommates again makes me a little nervous. Especially strangers. They could be very nice, or they could be psychos. Who knows?
On the plus side, this should force me to be more social (in theory). I would get to move into the city, although not downtown like I wanted, but then again, I can't really afford downtown.
I'm not sure what to do on this yet. I will meet with the guy and look at the place. That isn't making a commitment. It's just checking it out. Oohh... any suggestions on what I should ask them? Anything I should look out for? Red flags or warning signs? Any feedback would be nice.
I'm at work right now or else I would include a hottie picture. You'll just have to imagine one for today. Maybe later I'll post a couple later. If your good...
jeff
The second thing is while browsing Craigslist for cheaper apartments or rooms to rent, I came across something that looks promising. It is a large 3 bedroom apartment with 2 30 - 40 ish gay guys, looking for a 3rd roommate. I answered the ad and he answered me back saying he would like to meet me and have me come look at the place. Financially this is something I need. The reduction in rent would be great, it would really help me out. But living with roommates again makes me a little nervous. Especially strangers. They could be very nice, or they could be psychos. Who knows?
On the plus side, this should force me to be more social (in theory). I would get to move into the city, although not downtown like I wanted, but then again, I can't really afford downtown.
I'm not sure what to do on this yet. I will meet with the guy and look at the place. That isn't making a commitment. It's just checking it out. Oohh... any suggestions on what I should ask them? Anything I should look out for? Red flags or warning signs? Any feedback would be nice.
I'm at work right now or else I would include a hottie picture. You'll just have to imagine one for today. Maybe later I'll post a couple later. If your good...
jeff
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Hmm
A few days ago I posted an entry that was pretty dramatic and sad. Someone called me on it. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'll try.
Here is my quote:
"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."
Here is the comment:
Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.
I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.
I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.
I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.
As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.
Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.
I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.
So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.
Hugs...
jeff
Here is my quote:
"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."
Here is the comment:
Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.
I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.
I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.
I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.
As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.
Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.
I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.
So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.
Hugs...
jeff
More bits of randomness...
I'm kind of all over the map today. In no particualar order, these are some of the things running through my mind:
Yesterday at work, the republican guy that I just told I was gay was describing a customer to us. The customer is kind of a weather nerd, always calling about new software or equipment,and he was described as "joining the anal club." I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the giggles from starting. It struck me as very funny.
All morning I have been singing the hero song from Disney's Hercules: I Can Go The Distance. I blame Toddy and his Little Mermaid (I'm Unique) post.
This is me...not that I'm bitter about being short or anything :)
I remembered today that I was going to look into beign a roommate instead of you know, slumming it in my car or staying with my brother and his family. Not looking forward to that. I found this great place. I love it. Ah, home. But I don't think I would fit here. Check out the pictures of the place. I especially like the big black phallus thingy in the living room. WTF.
I have spent the last half hour playing wiht my blog. I think I've figured out the whole links thing. Yea me! The boss is out of the office today. I should go do some work, but now it's lunch time. I'm hungry, I must go and eat.
Yesterday at work, the republican guy that I just told I was gay was describing a customer to us. The customer is kind of a weather nerd, always calling about new software or equipment,and he was described as "joining the anal club." I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the giggles from starting. It struck me as very funny.
All morning I have been singing the hero song from Disney's Hercules: I Can Go The Distance. I blame Toddy and his Little Mermaid (I'm Unique) post.
This is me...not that I'm bitter about being short or anything :)
I remembered today that I was going to look into beign a roommate instead of you know, slumming it in my car or staying with my brother and his family. Not looking forward to that. I found this great place. I love it. Ah, home. But I don't think I would fit here. Check out the pictures of the place. I especially like the big black phallus thingy in the living room. WTF.
I have spent the last half hour playing wiht my blog. I think I've figured out the whole links thing. Yea me! The boss is out of the office today. I should go do some work, but now it's lunch time. I'm hungry, I must go and eat.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
just like clockwork...
It's a new day and I'm in a great mood. Fuck it, I'll just go with it. For today I thought I would post something a little different than usual. How about some pictures of hot guys off my screensaver program. yeah, I thought it was a good idea too. I have to turn off my monitor whenever family comes over. They accept me, but don't want to see any improper images. If they only knew...
Look at this face... it's perfection... I love him
My newest pic, it's Steve Sandvoss from "Latter Days"... fucking yum!
I'd like lay on his bench and let him work me over...
I love them both....
You know it's true...
Look at this face... it's perfection... I love him
My newest pic, it's Steve Sandvoss from "Latter Days"... fucking yum!
I'd like lay on his bench and let him work me over...
I love them both....
You know it's true...
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Bad juju....
I've been hesitant to write about this because I am sick of how needy I've been sounding lately. Something is going on and it doesn't feel right. I think my meds are off. (anti-depressants, don't want anyone to think I'm psychotic or anything... just depressed) I was used to having mood swings sometimes on a daily basis. But over this past week, my swings have been happening several times a day. WTF. My high points aren't that high anymore, but my lows are pretty low. Thursday I was going to post a whole entry on why suicide could be the answer. I might get to that later.
I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.
I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.
A Taboo Subject - Suicide
So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.
I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.
How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.
It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.
I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.
There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.
I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)
I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.
I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.
I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.
A Taboo Subject - Suicide
So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.
I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.
How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.
It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.
I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.
There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.
I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)
I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
So let me tell you about my day.
Sometimes you make decisions in a split second without really thinking them through, at least I do. Today I made 2. One that I regret, and one that I don't. Allow me to share...
Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.
*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.
Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.
I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.
Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.
I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.
That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.
This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.
My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.
Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.
I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.
Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)
What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").
When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.
Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.
So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)
Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.
G'night...
Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.
*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.
Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.
I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.
Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.
I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.
That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.
This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.
My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.
Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.
I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.
Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)
What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").
When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.
Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.
So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)
Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.
G'night...
Monday, August 07, 2006
Perspective...
Now that it’s the next day, and I’m sober again, I am a little bit disappointed with my decision to drive home last night. I shouldn’t have done that. It has been a long, long time since I was inebriated as I was yesterday. I’m also not too sure about drunk blogging. It may not be a wise choice either. I knew I was still drunk when I went to bed last night because as I was laying there waiting for sleep to come, I was singing “King of the Road” and then “Delta Dawn” to my cat. The bed wasn’t spinning, but the window was open and I wasn’t being too quiet. Ha, fuck the neighbors, they’ve kept me up late more than once. Then I woke up at 1:00 and couldn’t go back to sleep until after 3:00. (I still felt drunk btw) Now I’m at work and while I’m not hung over, I am overly tired and sluggish. Ah well, tonight I will sleep better.
I know I said yesterday what a great time I had, but I want to reiterate something here. As I am looking back on what transpired yesterday, I realize that I don’t know the last time I actually let my guard down all the way, and was just myself, without any thought of the other people around me. This is what I have been searching for. Longing for. Todd and his group of friends accepting into their fold the way they have is so wonderful. I remember the more that I drank, the more I told Loren about the cute guys there. I kept saying I love him and pointing out different guys. She just laughed and agreed with me. It is so strange to actually speak out loud about liking guys and to have no weirdness associated with it.
I just had a really good time, and I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. I feel very happy right now.
I know I said yesterday what a great time I had, but I want to reiterate something here. As I am looking back on what transpired yesterday, I realize that I don’t know the last time I actually let my guard down all the way, and was just myself, without any thought of the other people around me. This is what I have been searching for. Longing for. Todd and his group of friends accepting into their fold the way they have is so wonderful. I remember the more that I drank, the more I told Loren about the cute guys there. I kept saying I love him and pointing out different guys. She just laughed and agreed with me. It is so strange to actually speak out loud about liking guys and to have no weirdness associated with it.
I just had a really good time, and I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. I feel very happy right now.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Woo Fucking Hoo
Lime green jello shots are fucking A good. I have done a bad thing, please don't judge me too harshly Holly. I drank too much and drove home when i shouldn't have. But now that I am home, lets revel in the day that I had.
First i went to the movies with 2 of my brothers. The one with the tumor and the one in forest grove. We saw Talladega Nights. We laughed really hard. It was funny in a stupid kind of way. A great time was had by all.
Then... the real fun began. I met Toddy and friends for the softball fundraiser at CC's. Since I knew i would be there a while, I started off with a long island iced tea. Soon I was feeling no pain. We played bingo! I sat between Loren and Doug. Across from Toddy. Marilyn was on the other side of Loren and Sean was across from Doug and Cal was next to Toddy.
The Sisters of perpetual Something were the bingo hosts people. They were fucking awesome. They had face paint and were wearing kind of modified habits. There was one who roamed the crowd with a microphone making comments and spanking people who called bingo in error. I was strangely attracted to him. He had a mohawk and face paint, but he was really hot. The more I drank, the more I was attracted to him.
Now I have to talk about Loren. I LOVE HER!!! We sat next to each other, and I told her I had blotter envy. I picked a blue bingo card blotter. Hers was green. I liked hers lots better than mine. She said that green was her favorite color. About this time, a guy started walking around with jello shots. Toddy and I both had a blue one. It was good. Then he came back and I had a red one. It was awful. Then he came back and he added green to the mix. So I had a green one. It was lime and very good. Very strong too. Loren and I tool turns buying green jello shots for each other. I had so much fun sitting with her.
I switched my drink to vodka cranberries. I had three more of those, plus the long island and 6 jello shots in 3 hours. I was impaired. I was also having a great time. I talked with Marilyn one on one. With Cal one on one. Toddy disappeared after bingo was over. I think he went home without saying goodbye.
I went to Hobo's and had some dinner in an effort to sober up. Then I drove home when I shouldn't have. It wasn't very far, but I know I was bad anyways. Please don't judge me. So now, I am drunk blogging. Another first for me.
All in all I had a great fucking time. Loren is awesome. I love her now.
good night...
First i went to the movies with 2 of my brothers. The one with the tumor and the one in forest grove. We saw Talladega Nights. We laughed really hard. It was funny in a stupid kind of way. A great time was had by all.
Then... the real fun began. I met Toddy and friends for the softball fundraiser at CC's. Since I knew i would be there a while, I started off with a long island iced tea. Soon I was feeling no pain. We played bingo! I sat between Loren and Doug. Across from Toddy. Marilyn was on the other side of Loren and Sean was across from Doug and Cal was next to Toddy.
The Sisters of perpetual Something were the bingo hosts people. They were fucking awesome. They had face paint and were wearing kind of modified habits. There was one who roamed the crowd with a microphone making comments and spanking people who called bingo in error. I was strangely attracted to him. He had a mohawk and face paint, but he was really hot. The more I drank, the more I was attracted to him.
Now I have to talk about Loren. I LOVE HER!!! We sat next to each other, and I told her I had blotter envy. I picked a blue bingo card blotter. Hers was green. I liked hers lots better than mine. She said that green was her favorite color. About this time, a guy started walking around with jello shots. Toddy and I both had a blue one. It was good. Then he came back and I had a red one. It was awful. Then he came back and he added green to the mix. So I had a green one. It was lime and very good. Very strong too. Loren and I tool turns buying green jello shots for each other. I had so much fun sitting with her.
I switched my drink to vodka cranberries. I had three more of those, plus the long island and 6 jello shots in 3 hours. I was impaired. I was also having a great time. I talked with Marilyn one on one. With Cal one on one. Toddy disappeared after bingo was over. I think he went home without saying goodbye.
I went to Hobo's and had some dinner in an effort to sober up. Then I drove home when I shouldn't have. It wasn't very far, but I know I was bad anyways. Please don't judge me. So now, I am drunk blogging. Another first for me.
All in all I had a great fucking time. Loren is awesome. I love her now.
good night...
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