Bo & Hope...

Today I was walking around the Fred Meyers, I needed a bar of soap, but nothing else, and I felt like a tool just buying a bar of soap so I browsed for more things to buy. I didn't find anything, just the soap. But that's not the point. As I was walking around singing to myself with the music that was playing, an old familiar song came on. The love theme from Days of our Lives for Bo & Hope back in the eighties. "Tonight I Celebrate My Love for You." It was about halfway through and I was looking at ironing boards when I noticed what song I was singing. It was one of those instant time travel memory experiences that happen when you hear the right song. At least for me. Immediately I was back to being a kid, watching Days with my grandmother. It was our favorite story. (Who knew I would turn out gay, there were no signs) I remembered so many things in that instant. Like when Bo came in and stole Hope away from that DA guy she was going to marry. Took her right out of the church and roared away on his motorcycle. Bo's mullet. Bo's beard. Bo isn't my type, but he was attractive.

There was a woman on the show named Kimberley, and she was with the guy from the Nanny. I don't remember her relationship to the other characters. I think she was Roman's sister. Anyways, I always remember her because my grandma hated her, and every time she was on the TV my grandma would say" I just wanna kick her in the snatch."

My family still laughs about that. Anytime we are all together and someone does something wrong or says something stupid, that line comes out. And we laugh.

The other song that really takes me back is "Let's Hear It For The Boys." That was the summer I was 13. Lots of things happened that summer. I stayed with my oldest brother and his first wife for 2 months. It was during this summer that I was introduced to marijuana. We went over to their friends house and they wanted me to go away, so they gave me a large butter tub full of pot and a pipe and a bong, and put me in this little tiny alcove where there was a stereo and headphones and more cassette tapes than I had or have since seen. I remember having a very good time. Then the rest of the summer was spent in the pursuit of the high.

But the specific memory is of cleaning their apartment while they were at work with the radio blasting this song. I was dancing and singing and having a great time. I always go back there when that song comes on.

I was going to post about first crushes. I came across a website devoted to River Phoenix. My god, he was special. I loved him. He was going to be mine, I just know it. Fate kept us apart. Alas, maybe in the next life.




Oh yeah, I think I may have figured out how to post a link in an entry. I'm going to try it out now. Hope it works. I got a mailer to join a gay book club. So I did. If you join you get 4 books for $.50 each, plus shipping. Then 3 years to buy 2 more books at regular price. Standard like all those kinds of clubs. I like reading books that pertain to the gays. So if you want to, take a look.

TEXT

Not a depressing entry

I am going to post today, and it's not about doom and gloom. Fro whatever reason, it seems the darkness has left. At least for 2 days now. Here's hoping it stays gone.

So last night I went out and met Toddy at CC's. A grand time was had by all. I got to meet several new people, friends of Toddy’s, and they were all great. There was Marylyn (sp, Toddy’s very good friend and housemate, with her new girlfriend crap I forgot her name. She was great. This was my first experience with lesbians. What a hoot. I really liked them.

Doug was there from the softball team and stayed for a while to hang out. That was fun. He had some great stories to tell. There was also Cal and his friend (maybe boyfriend? Jay. They were a little ways away from us though, so we kind of had separate conversations, but when it got load, we all talked together.

The best, best part of the night for me was when everybody left except me and Toddy. Not because I want to be antisocial and didn't like them, I really did and had fun with them. But for the first time last night, I got to have a real conversation with Todd just the 2 of us. It was nice, somewhat serious and funny at the same time. I got to ask him specific questions about sex
and things of that nature. Another new experience for me. To openly talk about sex with another gay guy. I've had sex talk with the guys before. "Yeah, I fucked her" but not a real conversation. Thank you Toddy, that was what I have needed for so long, just someone to talk with.

Next Sunday is a bingo fundraiser for the softball team. I am going to go and have a great time. Doug and Todd also asked me to join the team next spring. I am actually considering it. Me... playing softball with other hunky gay men... I'll have to ask if we get to take group showers. That might seal the deal!

And just because I have to mention my moods, I have been upbeat for the last couple of days, but I have to consciously work at it. It's hard to explain, but it's like there is something inside me wanting to drag me down. I am not having bad thoughts, or hearing depressing songs, but I just subconsciously want to be down. WTF
I think I may need to get my happy pills checked, maybe the dosage is wrong or I need to switch again. The boys just left so I don't know if it related to that or not.

Anyway, things are good. I am going to clean my apartment tonight. Woo Hoo

Good morning...

Ok, it's the next day now and I am feeling much better. I am optomistic about the day and looking forward to going out tonight. If Toddy isn't up for it, I plan on going by myself anyway.

I was going to start out appologizing for last nights post, but it was true and how I was feeling at the time. I hate those days, I hope they go away and never come back.

I need something to do to fill my empty time. I wouldn't mind volunteering for something, but I don't know what. I think I would prefer it to be involved in the gay community. But I don't want to only consider that. I'm sure there a lot of places that need help that aren't in the gay category.

I'll share something else with you. It's another one of my deep dark secrets. I would love to get involved in a theater group. I have always wanteds to do that, but for some reason I have shame associated with it. Why? How fucked up is that? But it's out now. I've said it. I would like to be involved with a theater group. Maybe just helping in the background, setting up stages or stuff like that. But eventually, as I grow more confident with myself, I would love to be on stage. It is so wierd to actually write this down. My desire for the entertainment lifestyle is on par with my homosexuality. I have kept it in the closet for ever. This is really the first time I have told anyone about. Ever.

See... I am in a better mood!

Ordinary People

I just watched this movie on TV. I've seen parts of it before, but never the whole thing. What a great fucking movie. I have always loved Donald Sutherland. Mary Tyler Moore was perfect as a cold, unable to love mother. And wow, timothy Hutton was great. And gorgeous. He won an oscar for this role. It was a great movie. I cried and cried. I can't say enough about it...

Please feel free to stop reading now. What follows is crap, wallowing in more crap. Sorry.

Ok, now that that's over, I guess I should get to what's going on with me. I haven't been in a very good place lately. That's why I haven't blogged. I hate to always be whining, or complaining. And that is what I have felt like for the past week. I was very much into having the boys here. I was able to have conversations with them. Gary doesn't hold up his end of our conversations. He's just a cat. But he does love me. At least there's that. Or he knows I can reach the shelf where his food is.

I guess I am feeling alone again. I promised myself I wouldn't censor what I write. But now that I know people are reading this thing, I am having a harder time not censoring myself. I feel like a giant pussy for not being able to get out of this depression. And I feel like people are going to get tired of reading my blog because it always the same thing. Me being a whiny bitch. But, that is who I am right now. I am going to go on ahead and get it off my chest today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

I went to the bar last night. I met a friend as I got there, he was just leaving. I went in anyway, I know, a big step for me, and had a drink. I sat at the bar and watched the people having fun. I hate being in a crowded room and feeling so lonely. I left as soon as I finished my drink. I did talk to someone though, I think it was one of the owners, but he was impaired and funny.

I'm in one of those moods where even a little thing going wrong will send me into an inporportionate (sp) response. Let alone the big problems that I have. I haven't even focused on those really. I read in a blog somewhere that it was tacky to discuss your financial problems. God know, I don't want to be tacky. So, I will keep the details to myself and just say things are not looking so good right now. I haven't cleaned my house since the kids left. I haven't wanted too. I just don't care. There are dishes piled up on the counter with food on them from our last meal together. Plus take out boxes and bags.It is starting to smell in here a little bit. I should really clean it up. But I don't care. There is just very little concrning me that I care about right now.

I have talked with the boys since they went back. They seem to have adjusted pretty well to it. Tomorrow they start school. Sam will be in high school. A freshman. When they lived here, before the ex got married, Sam was a very shy kid. He totally got my anxiety disorder from me, plus I was not a good role model for dealing with people. Anyways, I know he was lonely, and I tried to get him to make friends and do stuff, but I wasn't succesful. Both of my boys have myspace accounts. My family thinks I'm nuts because of the pervs online, but I watch their sites to see whats going on. Matt has friends. He has 3 close ones here that they get together everytime they come back plus they all talk online. He also has many friends in Kentucky. Sam is the one I worry about. But when I was checking their myspace pages, I read a bunch of Sam's comments from other people. Lots of kids were happy he was back and excited to see him in school soon. Including some attractive young ladies. He plays things so cool. "Yeah, they like me here."

It makes me feel so good for him. I am so very happy that things are woking out in Kentucky. But I can always find a down side. It makes me feel like a failure too. I tried my hardest to help him here, and it never worked. Back there, they were able to help him. I'm a bottom line guy. I suck, they rock. I know, I did some good things for him. I insisted on therapy. I insisted on medication. I still talk to him about life and how to handle things that come up. I know I have been a help to him as a father. But, I'm in a "I suck" mood.

I'll try to end on a slightly more upbeat note. I am going to go out to CC's maybe tomorrow. I'll email Todd in the morning and see if he wants to go. He said to let him know next time I want to go out. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

Not gonna do it

I have reconsidered my need to express myself in print about my ex-wife. It could only make things worse if ever she were to stumble across this blog. Or ever more worse, if either of my kids found it. As far as they are concerned, we still get along ok. It should stay that way. So... moving on...

I have been a a pretty foul, depressed mood since Monday. All of the sudden, now at lunch time today I feel a little bit better. i will talk with the boys tonight after work. I think they will adjust back to the old routine ok.

While I was eating my bowl of chili, i came across a wonderful website. I'm not sure how to post links in a blog, I will figure it out later. Here is the URL:

http://www.xanga.com/EmoKissingBoys




After looking at this, my mood is increasing. At first, this just made me feel more depressed. I want to kiss a guy like that, or better yet, be kissed by a guy like that. All these young guys just doing what they want makes me feel sad for my younger years when I was too afraid to even admit to myself that I liked boys.

But, then i remembered, I am starting to get a life. I put it on hold for the summer, but now I can start spreading my wings again. As soon as I hear the boys are doing better, I will feel a whole lot better myself.

This felt a little rambling, and I think my writing could be better. I'm out of practice. Gotta go back to the office...

I don't know what to say...

I have a couple of ideas on what to post, but i'm just not in the mood to do it. Last night sucked really bad. I couldn’t get Sam to stop crying. He’s 14, and very much a strong young man who doesn’t cry. But it broke my heart yesterday holding him and letting him sob. I will say this, any guilt that I was carrying around for coming out of the closet and leaving my ex-wife is now gone. i was going to say I’m having a hard time being civil to her, but I’m not. I was in the closet until i was 30, I know how to fake shit. So for the boys benefit, I am nice to her, but on the inside i fucking hate her now. It is my fault we are divorced, I took her ”dream” away. but i didn’t take away the kids from her. She says she didn’t move to Kentucky to be mean, and I believe her, but I do think she gets some pleasure out of my pain. And what kills me the most is that i can live with the pain and misery, i have my whole life, but to see her put the boys through this is the worst fucking thing ever. Now I am slamming the keys on the keyboard as I type. FUCK!!!

I will write more tomorrow or the next day. I need to get some perspective. I wanted to write a letter to her and post it, there’s now way I would send it. I’m not stupid enough to do that. things are bad enough already, I don’t need to make them worse. But maybe i can get things off my chest in a letter.

it's hot... i'm going to bed...

Still Un-Deflowered :(

I am still around. I have been spending all my time with my boys so far this summer. That's why I haven't been posting. Unfortunately, they are leaving next Monday. I was able to keep it out of my head the whole time they were here until last Saturday. Then I realized it was barley over a week left before they left. I am trying, and being relativley successful in keeping my spirits high. I don't want the last few days to be downers. I have had one bad day, but I was able to pull out of it when I got home from work.

I have plenty to say, but I'm at work now and should actually be doing work (imagine that). Next week I will be able to get back into posting more regularly. Thanks for the concern and checking up on me.

jeff

Friday, Part Deux

Well, my goodness, how plans have changed. I went home at lunch and took the boys to my brother’s house for the afternoon which rather quickly turned into a sleepover. So I am free tonight. As noted at the end of my previous post this morning, I have a need. And by golly, I’m going to fulfill that need tonight. I will be free to look at whatever I want online and I only need one hand for the mouse. I won’t be able to go out though, my finances just wont allow it. So unless someone offers to get me laid, I wont be out searching for it. Not that I know how to find it yet anyways, but I’m putting the offer out there. One way or the other, I will have my release tonight. Wish me luck…

By the way, I’m still waiting for someone to gay-de-virginize me, hint, hint…

I've been busy...

I feel the need to update my blog, but I don’t seem to have the time right now. Last weekends camping trip was very nice. We all had a lot of fun. With the exception of the bugs. Mosquitoes to be exact. They were awful. It was like an alien invasion. We went through 3 cans of mosquito repellent, and still we came back covered in bites. Sam and Matt (my boys) got it the worst. Poor Sam counted 32 bites on his body. I couldn’t get them to stop scratching, so of course the bites were all swollen, and it looked like they had some kind of death plague. Now things are much better, they just have little scabs all over them. Eww

I want to take them to the Oregon caves and do some spelunking. That sounds like a fun adventure. But I just found out how far away it is, almost to the California border. Jeez, that’s a hell of a round trip. We could stay in a hotel down there, they would like that. Financially though, I don’t think I could swing it. I’ll figure something out.

Sam is hooked on watching Ghost Hunters and all those kinds of shows on TV. I am going to take them on a tour of the Shanghi Tunnels in Portland. They have a ghost tour that will be right up his alley. I asked if he would want to go see a haunted place in the flesh and he jumped at the chance. So, next month some time we will go do that.

Jumping to a completely different subject, my lease is going to end in September. I can continue to stay on a month to month basis after that or I can move somewhere else. My rent isn’t that expensive right now, under $600 a month. I know that isn’t a lot. But I am still fucked up from my unemployment debacle earlier this year. I had to borrow some money from my mom, and I will never be able to pay her back at this rate. I am barely, barely scraping by as it is. I think about trying to move into someone’s basement, or renting a room in someone’s house or something really cheap. I also have been thinking of putting my stuff in storage and sleeping in my car. I can go to the gym to shower (that way I would actually go to the gym) and I eat with my mom anyway. I’m a little guy; I could fit in the backseat ok. Where would I park though at night? I don’t want to be hassled by the man. Well, maybe by a man, just not the man. I could save a lot of money and actually pay back some of the family that I owe. Plus I could start to build up a nest egg. It seems a little desperate though. Would you think less of me? I would have to lie to my family though. They wouldn’t approve. I would tell them I was staying with a friend. I don’t know, I probably won’t do it, but it does seem like a good way to get out of trouble. I hope I can find a good room to rent, or maybe a roommate to cut down on cost. Argghh, I will figure something out.

On a good note, my probation period at work is over, so now I will have insurance again. Hooray! And, goddamn I’m horny. I need to get laid. NEED… Plus, since the kids are here, I can’t… you know… release any built up frustration. I haven’t been able to look at anything dirty online for a few weeks now. Lordy, I have a need.

Sorry about that, just going where my mind led me. Gotta go back to work now. Have a good weekend.

They're everywhere...

I see them all the time. I hate the heat, but still, summer has got to one the best time of the year. Shorts and no shirts. Sunglasses, sandals, and skin. I’m talking about hotties of course. My God, it seems that everywhere I look, I see someone attractive. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of trolls out there too, but hot guys are just all over the place. Maybe it’s because I don’t need an A&F model level of hotness. Not that that’s bad either though. But I really like the guy next door type. Just a regular Joe. I was at the 7-11 today buying a Coke, and there were 2 guys blocking the cooler. I waited for a few seconds for them to move, all the while taking in beauty of one of them. He was a little taller than me, (but who isn’t) probably 5’7 or 5’8, and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. They were taking too long so I moved in front of them to grab my Coke, and I was able to get a glance at his face. Ooohhh. He was gorgeous. I walked to the counter and paid and on my way out of the store, they were still in front of the coolers, and I was trying to get a good view again and I totally walked into a candy bar display. Like a big fool. Hershey bars all over the floor. I picked them up and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I practically ran out to the car. My face was so red.

The point of this post is a question about checking out guys. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, but since I came out, I don’t really worry if anyone knows I’m gay anymore. So I find myself looking at hot guys all the time. It does concern me a little though. I’m all of 5’4 and a little squishy. I don’t intimidate anyone, not even my kids anymore (Sam is 5’6 now). My friend Toddy is 6’6 and a large build. He said people don’t usually fuck with him. I don’t have the size luxury.

My concern over getting my ass kicked is not high enough to make me stop looking. And honestly, I don’t want to go back to trying to be discrete, and not let anyone see me looking. I would be flattered if someone was checking me out, it wouldn’t matter what gender. People should just be happy someone thinks they are hot.

Randomness

Sometimes I make up words. Randomness, is that a real word?

I have some thoughts in my head and I want to share them. Hey, they’re bugging me, so I’ll let them loose on the rest of the world. Or the 2 or 3 people who read my blog.

Let’s talk about the awesomeness of the Dixie Chicks. I went out the day their new cd was released and bought it. I wanted to give my money to support them and show that there are plenty of people who still love them. When I listened to the cd the first couple of days, I only liked 2 songs, the big single and the first track. But, I have found that as time goes on, I am loving this cd more and more. This is a great cd, and the fucking right wing bastards are too stupid to admit it.I have their 2nd and 3rd cds, I don’t have the first because there is a sad song on it that I can’t stand to hear. I don’t even remember what it is, and I don’t want to remember either. I just won’t listen to that cd. But the other two, I can sing along with every song. There aren’t that many cds that I don’t use the skip button on. All the Dixie Chicks cds, Rascall Flatts, GreenDay, Alanis Morrisette, Josh Groban.

I do realize how boring the last paragraph was, thank you for getting through it. It is of interest to me. Ok, how about something else that has been on my mind. Let’s talk about sex. (don’t read this Holly) Like all normal guys, I do have thoughts of sex. Don’t they say the average guy thinks about sex every few seconds? I heard that somewhere, could be completely made up, how would I know? Anyways, I do think about it quite a bit. I feel sorry for the first guy that gets to be with me. I hate not knowing what I am doing. That goes for anything in life, especially a job. I hate being new to something. Now, I am not new to sex. I was married for 10 years. But here’s the rub (), I am totally new to gay sex. I haven’t experienced the joys of boy boy love. In the past, I have wanted to, in theory, but I was always to depressed or alone to even think about actually doing it. Plus, doing it for the first time is always intimidating. I know what to do. I have been studying educational videos and on the internet, plus inside my own imagination. Now that I am starting to have a life, the thought of actually hooking up with someone and having… intimate relations… is becoming more attractive. But now I have new questions.

How do you find someone to hook up with? Is random sex good for everyone? I don’t know if I would feel comfortable … you know … with a stranger. Can friends have sex and not affect the friendship? My guess is probably not, but I could be wrong, it’s happened before. How bout this one, how do you deal with the whole AIDS thing and being tested and can you trust them if they say yes? I don’t have a clue how to even bring up the subject. I know I should figure that one out before I decide to have sex with someone, so any advice would be great.

I should go, I have work to do. Thanks for reading and giving me feedback. I am open to suggestions. And I will entertain any offers to deflower my gay virginity.

My Brilliance (did I spell that right?)

Hot Toddy posted today about the end of the world coming because of the gay pride parade this weekend. I would link to it, but I haven’t figured out how yet, and I’m at work so I shouldn’t even be doing this. J He mentioned the protesters waving God Hates Fags posters. I left him a comment saying that we should have God Hates Rednecks, or God Hates Inbred Hillbilly Assholes, or something like that. Brilliant! I am a fucking genius! How do I come up with these ideas? Fucking gold, baby. Gold!

I haven’t had a lot of time to post lately. I’ve been having a great time with the kids. Next weekend we are going on a family camping trip. All my brothers and their families and my mo will be there. It should be fun, if their wives play nice. I don’t have to worry about that anymore, since I am single. But oh Jesus, wait until I bring a boyfriend along. That should be interesting.

I am going to miss the pride stuff though. I really want to go, but I can’t get out of camping. Don’t tell anyone, but I am hoping we get rained out and come home early Sunday. Then I’ll leave the boys at home and try to get into the festivities. I hope I’m able to hook up with Toddy. He said he wanted to show me my first pride event, so I am ready. If the fates work out.

I have more to say, but no more time. Maybe I will get more time later tonight. But now I have to fight my way onto the computer and then listen to “are you almost done yet?” over and over.

Bye bye…

me...today...

Do you ever have one of those days where you just aren't in a good mood? I can't explain why. I'm kind of in between depressed and grumpy. I'm switching back and forth a lot today. Nothing is wrong. The boys stayed at their grandma's last night, so I was alone. I took the opportunity to go to CC Slaughters. I was hoping to run into Toddy, but he wasn't there. I was going to have a couple of drinks, then I was pumped to sing karaoke. Well, I was going to do it, I don't know how pumped I actually was.

When I got there, Andrew bought me a drink, very nice of him. Then I noticed Pony and Chopper at the end of the bar and stopped to chat. I am still very awkward at small talk. I feel like such a goon. I asked them where a good place to eat around there was, and they gave me a couple of options. Pony said Hobo's had great pasta, so I thought I would try them. OMG, he was so right. I had pesto chicken with mushroom sauce. It was so good. So good. And now I have a new cruch. The bartender there, Dave, was absolutely perfect. I think I know my type now. I like average guys. Just normal looking guys. The guy next door. That is the category this guy is in, at least in my opinion. He wasn't model gorgeous, but cute. Didn't have a six pack or ripped pecs, he had a small, small bit of a paunch. Don't tell him, it would probably make him feel bad. But oh man, something about him really clicked for me. So of course, I sat there like a lump and ate my dinner and left. He had really short hair, clipped way close to his head. I like that. I also like big hair. WWE wrestler Carlito has the best hair ever. I love that big afro.

I should really be working instead of talking about typoes of guys I like. At least my mood is a little better than when I started. I guess I really am gay, thinking about guys makes me happy. (now I'm smiling)...

p.s. Oh yeah, I am feeling better now. I almost have lumpage!

"the horrible night of doom"

Linda Blair Aint got Nothin' on Me

Oh My God. As anyone with children can attest, they share all kinds of wonderful germs and sicknesses with you. Well, it has happened to me. Poor Sammy was very very sick. I felt really bad for him, there's not much you can do except take medicine and let it run it's course.

Then... I started feeling a little bad. Not too bad, but enough so i knew something wasn't right. I went to bed around 10:00. I woke up at 11:36, and made a run for the bathroom. You know how if you haven't gotten sick for a while, you forget how bad it can be. i mean in theory you know throwing up isn't a pleasant experience, but you haven't done it in so long, it's just a faint memory of what happens.

last night I remembered how bad it can be. Several times. I was up at 11:36, 12:18, 1:23, 3:06, and 4:32. I remember because each time I ran for the bathroom, I looked at the clock to see if it was almost morning yet. Dawn for me at least brings some hope that the horrible night of doom will be over. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor between rounds of "prayer" I could hear my insides gurgling and bubbling like some mad scientist experiment. After "the horrible night of doom" was over, then started the morning and day of... how to say this tactfully, well my brother calls it "soup ass." that seems like a reasonable explanation. Probably not too tactful though.

So, this has been my weekend so far. I had great plans for the day, I was supposed to help my brother build a deck on his house. But I had to cancel. Instead, I have spent the day writhing in pain on the couch. Terrible cramps. Or running to the bathroom. Terrible cramps in there too. I am feeling a little bit better now, the cramps are still there, the fever isn't anymore. Sam is about in the same boat as me. No more throwing up, but cramps and long lingering bathroom trips. Matt kind of got it a little this morning. He didn't get sick or have the bathroom problems, but he did get a fever and feel pretty lousy. He says he is better now, but I think that's only because he doesn't want to cancel tomorrows plans too. We are having a birthday party for him tomorrow. I don't want to cancel either, but I'll decide in the morning.

I'm going to lay down again. And whine, I didn't mention the whining. I readily admit that I am the biggest baby ever when I'm sick. It's one of my many wonderful traits.

WOOOOOOOOOO

You know the Woo guy, there's one at every concert. Just stands there and screams WOOOOOO. Well, that's what I feel like right now. I know it's still early, but I had a great time tonight. ALL BY MYSELF!!! WOOOOO. The boys are having dinner with their mom and her family tonight, so I had a few hours of alone time. Instead of sitting in front of the computer or TV like normal, I decided early this morning that I would go out to CC Slaughters after work and have a couple of drinks before I have to be walk home.

Normally this would have been the plan until the time to actually do it, then i would have chickened out. I don't like going alone BUT, i did go, by myself. And I had a good time. Andrew was there serving drinks, and I tried an apple martini for the first time. It was horrible. I only finished=shed half of it before I couldn't take anymore. By then i had a buzz on. Andrew gave me my next drink on the house, he is so nice. Then he made me a Water Moccasin. (sp) All I remember is it has orange juice and I think pineapple juice. It was good, and I became impaired. I played the video game and watched the porn and sat on the bar stool and had a good time. I spoke with a couple of guys. The last guy's name was Jeff also, he is 46. i suck at telling ages, I would have guessed my age, 36 at the most. I told him that and he asked me to marry him. HA! Then he said I looked about 29. I almost said yes to his proposal.

I just can't believe how comfortable I am now going into a gay bar and just sitting. Even by myself.. It's like I have been captured by the pod people. Who the fuck am I? God, it is so liberating. I totally want to move into the city now. There's no holding me back now. I just want to find a place within walking distance to the bar, so i don't have to drive. That would be nice. I swear, next time I go on Tuesday, I am ready to sing kareoke.

I missed Toddy though, although I'm sure he will be proud of me going on my own.

Bye Bye...

p.s. I hate that the spell check on this thing doesn't work. I normally couldn't post so many errors, but i assume that if your reading my blog, you have the intelligence to understand my meaning, if not my words. :)

Some good news/ Some bad news...

The good news is of course that my boys are home. The bad news is Sam is sick. I think his fever broke this afternoon, but we'll see what tonight brings.

It is great to have them hear again. To be able to put my arms around them and hug them. Seeing them just doing anything. My God, just seeing them period is great. I am going to enjoy the next 2 months very much.

The other bad news, Pride weekend is coming up. Toddy and I were talking about it the other night. He wants me to experience my first pride event, and i am looking forward to it. But... I just found out what weekend it is, and I will be out of town on a fmily campout all weekend. If I was in town, I would have found something for the boys to do so I could go. AARRGG. I really wanted to go this time. Maybe I will get home early enough Sunday to do something, I don't know. At least I'm not doing something crappy, it will be a fun campout.

One more thing, on a different note. i'm trying to find a drink that I like , and I'm open to suggestions. I'm not a big fan of real alsoholic tasting drinks, I like them to be masked a little bit. The next time I go out, i'm going to try an apple martini. Anny suggestions would be great.

Bye Bye

p.s. I am new to having people read and comment on my blog. Toddy, thank you for bringinng me out into the world. my question is, should I respond to each comment that people leave, or just say in a post how much I aprreciate them? I really do, by the way.

It's finally happening!!!!

They'll be here within the hour!! The boys are coming back!! WOO HOO!! I am very excited. I am going to squeeze them so hard, but Sam squeezes me back harder now. They are all mine for 2 month!! I don't have to work tomorrow, we can spend the day together playing around and goofing off. it's been a long year, with short visits here and there, but now, I get 2 months. Fuck yeah!

I also went out again with Toddy tonight. Funny how it ended up being Towel Tuesday again. Who knew? :) I met more new people today. Holly was right, there is a friendly community out there waiting to let you in. I was so afraid it would be full of pretty people saying that I don't belong. But it hasn't been anything like that at all. Not that the people aren't pretty, there was a cowboy singing kareoke tonight who was very hot. But his attitude wasn't all that great, so he went down hill in my book. I saw Pony again, I like him. He comes across as a fun guy. I met Danny and Sean ( I think) and Micheal and Stephen. All seemed very nice.

I think I talked more this time than last time. I know I was still awful quiet. Toddy and I had some dinner and we ended up sitting with some other people. They were very nice and funny, but they were new, so I clammed up. I really hat ehta tI do that. I want to be open and I want to sing with the rest of them, I just am not at that point yet. And, I have decided for today, I'm not going to beat myself up for being quiet. If I sit back and think rationally on this whole going out thing that is happening to me, just the fact that i actually leaving the house to meet people, knowing there will be strangers there is a huge accomplishment. I think tonight I will revel in that. I am finally stepping out of my comfort zone, and it isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. It isn't terrible at all. I wasn't even nervous about going in the bar tonight. Not even a little. Wow, is this really me?

I will probably back off going out a lot with the boys here. but there will be sleepovers at grandmas house and cousins houses. When that happens, I will plan to go out.

THEY"RE HERE!!!!!!

yummy

I don't have much to say, I should be in bed, I have to work tomorrow. But... I'm not tired. I have a rotating screen saver on my mac, and I have a whole bunch of "adult" pictures that are in a slide show. This is one of my favorites. It's not even nude. but man, it is hot.

Hot Toddy

I've had some time to reflect on the last few days. Everything happened so fast. I finally sent the email to Hot Toddy that I had been trying to send for a week or two. And he responded right away. I was so surprised to see an email from him. I guess I thought he would blow me off. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm not gifted enough to express how I feel about Toddy. He is truly an amazing soul. So positive, such a good outlook on life. And the fact that he would reach out to a perfect stranger and offer friendship... I am humbled by this. He had a kind word to say about everyone, and didn't like it when anyone offered a negative comment about anyone. His smile was contagious and I felt very much at ease with him and his friends. It was amazing. I never feel comfortable around people. I blame Toddy.

This is the part where my not being gifted comes into play. I don't want to deify him, but a simple "thanks" doesn't feel like enough for what he did. I am so grateful for the chance to meet Toddy. I'm glad I had the courage to finally reach out to someone, and I am so happy that I picked Hot Toddy. I wasn't expecting the response I received.

Thank you Hot Toddy...

Karaoke Theme Night?

Damn that Hot Toddy. I can't get The Little Mermaid song out of my head. There's something about Disney songs, they just stick with you. If you have kids and you've seen every Disney cartoon at least a million times, you know the songs. Where the People Are is my favorite one. I also find myself singing R.E.S.C.U.E. (Rescue Aid Society) from the Rescuers, I Wanna Be A Man Too, King Louie from The Jungle Book.This just happens out of the blue. I will be working or driving or doing something that requires concentration, and bam, all the sudden I notice myself singing. Where does it come from?

When my kids were little, we had a Disney tape called hero songs. It was full of all the popular songs form the more recent movies. That was pretty much all I played in the car, and would sing at the top of my lungs all the way to work and all the way back. Good Times...

Maybe it's a Walt Disney mind fuck. Maybe there are subliminal codes deep inside the songs and after enough kids (and gay guys) hear them, say in 30 years or so, there will be a revolution. Maybe that's when they will unthaw his head. Go with me here, it's just the beginning of a theory, given time I'm sure I can work it out.

Oh yeah, I forgot why I logged on to post in the first place. Karaoke Theme Night. I'm still very new to this whole "having a life" thing. Do they ever do theme nights at karaoke? I'm thinking of a Disney song theme night. That would be great. It would probably have to be at a gay bar though. I may even have the balls to get up and sing, well, maybe if I drink enough. I would sure be singing on the inside though...