Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
What if it happened more than once??
So... hi everybody. I know it's been a while, and a lot has happened in the time I have been absent. Things that I have wanted to share, but did not due purely to laziness.
I have also started a new blog,
because I still want to blog, but the people who will be reading it now are people that I don't necessarily want to read some of my past posts. So, I will continue with this blog for my more "private" thoughts, such as I really need to get laid. Seriously... I am so ready for it to happen. There is a new guy on my softball team, tall and very, very skinny that I am into. I like skinny, and young too. He's 22. I don't even care if it makes me a perv at 38 to have a 22 year old fuck buddy. I so wanted to ask him to come to my place and "mount me" last weekend at the game. But I settled for a car ride instead. I don't know why, but I am drawn to him in a sexual way.
But anyway, this is not why I'm here today. The title of the post refers to my childhood. Last night right before bed, I was flipping through the channels and I came across the end of "Mysterious Skin". It starts Joseph Gordon Levitt(?) as a hustler who was molested as a child. It's also has another sub story about another boy who was also molested and Joseph's character, at age 8, helped the pedo to get the other boy to cooperate. It's is a good movie, although maybe not so uplifting.
As the credits started rolling, I thought back to when I was little, and a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to give details, but I remember being young, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It wasn't a traumatic episode, the person was someone I knew and trusted. I remember the room where it happened and the things we did.
The question that came to me was: "what if happened more than once...". I was dumbstruck. How at my age could I have never thought of that before? Did happen before or after and I don't remember? Did it? I can't think of a reason that it would matter now to know, I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I am more surprised that I didn't think of it.
And another thing that has always been in my head. It's the nature vs. nurture thing. Was I really born gay, or did the fact that I was molested by another male at such a young age influence me towards homosexuality? I am 99.9% sure that you are born gay. I don't think it's something that can be learned. That it is a choice. I mean, when did all the heteros make that choice?
So... there you have it. I'm back baby!
peace...
I have also started a new blog,
because I still want to blog, but the people who will be reading it now are people that I don't necessarily want to read some of my past posts. So, I will continue with this blog for my more "private" thoughts, such as I really need to get laid. Seriously... I am so ready for it to happen. There is a new guy on my softball team, tall and very, very skinny that I am into. I like skinny, and young too. He's 22. I don't even care if it makes me a perv at 38 to have a 22 year old fuck buddy. I so wanted to ask him to come to my place and "mount me" last weekend at the game. But I settled for a car ride instead. I don't know why, but I am drawn to him in a sexual way.
But anyway, this is not why I'm here today. The title of the post refers to my childhood. Last night right before bed, I was flipping through the channels and I came across the end of "Mysterious Skin". It starts Joseph Gordon Levitt(?) as a hustler who was molested as a child. It's also has another sub story about another boy who was also molested and Joseph's character, at age 8, helped the pedo to get the other boy to cooperate. It's is a good movie, although maybe not so uplifting.
As the credits started rolling, I thought back to when I was little, and a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to give details, but I remember being young, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It wasn't a traumatic episode, the person was someone I knew and trusted. I remember the room where it happened and the things we did.
The question that came to me was: "what if happened more than once...". I was dumbstruck. How at my age could I have never thought of that before? Did happen before or after and I don't remember? Did it? I can't think of a reason that it would matter now to know, I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I am more surprised that I didn't think of it.
And another thing that has always been in my head. It's the nature vs. nurture thing. Was I really born gay, or did the fact that I was molested by another male at such a young age influence me towards homosexuality? I am 99.9% sure that you are born gay. I don't think it's something that can be learned. That it is a choice. I mean, when did all the heteros make that choice?
So... there you have it. I'm back baby!
peace...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I got caught being gay at work...
Kind of an attention grabbing post title.
It's not what you think (pervs).
I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.
Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.
It's not what you think (pervs).
I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.
Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Randomness...
First of all, I need to start with a picture. I found this surfing a couple of days ago on the Live Journal picture page (it’s in my list of links). I could, and do, waste hours refreshing this page. I’m kind of a voyeur I guess. Any ways... I saw this and it made me laugh, really hard. And now each time I open it and see it again, I laugh just as hard. Maybe it’s just me, it makes me smile.
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I'm so high...
How's that for an attention grabbing title? Huh...?I am here at work, and yes it's true, I have become impaired. I had a root canal yesterday and my dentist is generous with the Vicodin prescriptions. So, I took a couple this morning and then I took two more after lunch. Wow, am I ever fucked up. The good news is that the boss is out sick today, well not such good news for him. I've been thinking about what to post for a while. This may be another one of my rambley ones... you've been warned.
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Todd & Pony
So things are happening right now, I have stress, of course. I have been called a loser by members of my family. Not using that word, but in essence. And more stuff like that too. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly I just feel stress. But I'm not here about any of that today.
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Mommy and Me
That title makes me smile. Maybe I am alone in getting the joke, maybe not, but it’s all about me anyways, so there.
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
Friday, January 19, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Freedom...
I'm all full of new experiences. fully intended to blog more often after my last post. Circumstances stepped in the way though. I really like my new doctor. I called the office last Monday to see if there was any medicine they could give me fr the cramps until I was able to make the next appointment. The soctor himself called back about half an hour later and asked me to come on in now and talk. They just received the lab work back and it confirms that I do indeed have Crohns disease. There were 2 ways to treat it, take pills at home and wait, or go into the hospital for steroid treatment. I chose the hospital to get this fixed as quickly as possible.
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
Friday, January 05, 2007
What's new with me
Hello again. Happy new year to all. I've been out of commission for a while, I thought I would update this thing and let people know what is going on. My boys were here for Christmas week. We had a great time. I miss them so much, but at least my fear of there being any weirdness between us is not true. We are just like we were before they left, thank god.
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
Monday, November 20, 2006
I've made a huge mistake...
My favorite line from Arrested Developement. It feels appropriate to my current situation. It’s been a while since I posted last. I have rarely been in the mood to share, in fact I’m not in the mood now but I will anyway.
A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.
A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.
Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.
The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….
So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.
Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...
A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.
A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.
Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.
The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….
So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.
Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...
Monday, October 16, 2006
I kissed a drag queen...
Alternate post titles for today:
Blogging in absentia...
Tales from the trailer...
Screaming from the hinterland...
So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.
Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.
Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.
Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.
Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.
Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.
I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.
Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.
It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.
What a great night.... the end
Blogging in absentia...
Tales from the trailer...
Screaming from the hinterland...
So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.
Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.
Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.
Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.
Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.
Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.
I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.
Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.
It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.
What a great night.... the end
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Small things
It's funny to me how sometimes small things can make such a big impact. It's not a big secret that I have had a rough few days since my kids left. I have been a little mopey :) and maybe sounded a bit whiney. Well today was no different. Yesterday afternoon after lunch I got quiet. I don't think I said 10 words the rest of the day. I was just depressed. This morning started out the same way. Maybe it's because I was tired. Who knows?
Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.
So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.
Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.
Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)
Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.
So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.
Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.
Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
I need some practice
At a lot of things, but today lets talk about batting. While the boys were here, we went to Bullwinkles Fun Shack (or whatever its called). Since it was a weekday, there were hardly any kids there. The best way to go to a kids place. I bought the full package: mini golf, go karts, laser tag, batting cages, and lots of video games. The batting cages were my downfall.
Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.
We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.
Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.
This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.
Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.
Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.
Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.
We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.
Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.
This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.
Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.
Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.
Today in my life...
So here I am, after a long unpleasant weekend, ready to share with you again.
I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.
Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.
I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.
They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.
Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.
I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.
Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.
Until next time…
I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.
Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.
I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.
They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.
Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.
I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.
Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.
Until next time…
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Remember me?
My God, has it really been two weeks since I last blogged? I have been pretty busy lately, and I’ll admit it, a little lazy too.
I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.
My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.
The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.
I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.
I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.
While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)
The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…
I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.
I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.
My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.
The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.
I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.
I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.
While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)
The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…
I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Still having a great time
Since we last spoke, things have been going pretty good. I made a mistake on Friday night though. A very DUMB mistake. It's something I won't repeat anytime soon. When I stayed out late for karaoke the other night, by the end of the night I was impaired and all the guys that I was sitting with were smoking. I haven't smoked since I was 21, so that's 15 years ago. I really wanted one that night. I haven't craved one for years and years, but I wnated one that night.
So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.
Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.
The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!
Love you all...
So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.
Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.
The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!
Love you all...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A great time was had by...... ME!
Good morning my friends. I thought I would take the time to blog before I start working today. Why not start the day off right?
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Saturday, September 09, 2006
too pissed to be creative
Once again I have waited too long to post and I have too much to say. I'll try to get it all out.
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
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