Mommy and Me

That title makes me smile. Maybe I am alone in getting the joke, maybe not, but it’s all about me anyways, so there.

I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.

But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.

My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.

I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.

Take care…

jeffery

Deep thoughts...

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Freedom...

I'm all full of new experiences. fully intended to blog more often after my last post. Circumstances stepped in the way though. I really like my new doctor. I called the office last Monday to see if there was any medicine they could give me fr the cramps until I was able to make the next appointment. The soctor himself called back about half an hour later and asked me to come on in now and talk. They just received the lab work back and it confirms that I do indeed have Crohns disease. There were 2 ways to treat it, take pills at home and wait, or go into the hospital for steroid treatment. I chose the hospital to get this fixed as quickly as possible.

So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.

As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...

What's new with me

Hello again. Happy new year to all. I've been out of commission for a while, I thought I would update this thing and let people know what is going on. My boys were here for Christmas week. We had a great time. I miss them so much, but at least my fear of there being any weirdness between us is not true. We are just like we were before they left, thank god.

Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.

The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.

They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.

I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.

I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...

Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.

I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...

jeffery