Ordinary People

I just watched this movie on TV. I've seen parts of it before, but never the whole thing. What a great fucking movie. I have always loved Donald Sutherland. Mary Tyler Moore was perfect as a cold, unable to love mother. And wow, timothy Hutton was great. And gorgeous. He won an oscar for this role. It was a great movie. I cried and cried. I can't say enough about it...

Please feel free to stop reading now. What follows is crap, wallowing in more crap. Sorry.

Ok, now that that's over, I guess I should get to what's going on with me. I haven't been in a very good place lately. That's why I haven't blogged. I hate to always be whining, or complaining. And that is what I have felt like for the past week. I was very much into having the boys here. I was able to have conversations with them. Gary doesn't hold up his end of our conversations. He's just a cat. But he does love me. At least there's that. Or he knows I can reach the shelf where his food is.

I guess I am feeling alone again. I promised myself I wouldn't censor what I write. But now that I know people are reading this thing, I am having a harder time not censoring myself. I feel like a giant pussy for not being able to get out of this depression. And I feel like people are going to get tired of reading my blog because it always the same thing. Me being a whiny bitch. But, that is who I am right now. I am going to go on ahead and get it off my chest today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

I went to the bar last night. I met a friend as I got there, he was just leaving. I went in anyway, I know, a big step for me, and had a drink. I sat at the bar and watched the people having fun. I hate being in a crowded room and feeling so lonely. I left as soon as I finished my drink. I did talk to someone though, I think it was one of the owners, but he was impaired and funny.

I'm in one of those moods where even a little thing going wrong will send me into an inporportionate (sp) response. Let alone the big problems that I have. I haven't even focused on those really. I read in a blog somewhere that it was tacky to discuss your financial problems. God know, I don't want to be tacky. So, I will keep the details to myself and just say things are not looking so good right now. I haven't cleaned my house since the kids left. I haven't wanted too. I just don't care. There are dishes piled up on the counter with food on them from our last meal together. Plus take out boxes and bags.It is starting to smell in here a little bit. I should really clean it up. But I don't care. There is just very little concrning me that I care about right now.

I have talked with the boys since they went back. They seem to have adjusted pretty well to it. Tomorrow they start school. Sam will be in high school. A freshman. When they lived here, before the ex got married, Sam was a very shy kid. He totally got my anxiety disorder from me, plus I was not a good role model for dealing with people. Anyways, I know he was lonely, and I tried to get him to make friends and do stuff, but I wasn't succesful. Both of my boys have myspace accounts. My family thinks I'm nuts because of the pervs online, but I watch their sites to see whats going on. Matt has friends. He has 3 close ones here that they get together everytime they come back plus they all talk online. He also has many friends in Kentucky. Sam is the one I worry about. But when I was checking their myspace pages, I read a bunch of Sam's comments from other people. Lots of kids were happy he was back and excited to see him in school soon. Including some attractive young ladies. He plays things so cool. "Yeah, they like me here."

It makes me feel so good for him. I am so very happy that things are woking out in Kentucky. But I can always find a down side. It makes me feel like a failure too. I tried my hardest to help him here, and it never worked. Back there, they were able to help him. I'm a bottom line guy. I suck, they rock. I know, I did some good things for him. I insisted on therapy. I insisted on medication. I still talk to him about life and how to handle things that come up. I know I have been a help to him as a father. But, I'm in a "I suck" mood.

I'll try to end on a slightly more upbeat note. I am going to go out to CC's maybe tomorrow. I'll email Todd in the morning and see if he wants to go. He said to let him know next time I want to go out. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

Not gonna do it

I have reconsidered my need to express myself in print about my ex-wife. It could only make things worse if ever she were to stumble across this blog. Or ever more worse, if either of my kids found it. As far as they are concerned, we still get along ok. It should stay that way. So... moving on...

I have been a a pretty foul, depressed mood since Monday. All of the sudden, now at lunch time today I feel a little bit better. i will talk with the boys tonight after work. I think they will adjust back to the old routine ok.

While I was eating my bowl of chili, i came across a wonderful website. I'm not sure how to post links in a blog, I will figure it out later. Here is the URL:

http://www.xanga.com/EmoKissingBoys




After looking at this, my mood is increasing. At first, this just made me feel more depressed. I want to kiss a guy like that, or better yet, be kissed by a guy like that. All these young guys just doing what they want makes me feel sad for my younger years when I was too afraid to even admit to myself that I liked boys.

But, then i remembered, I am starting to get a life. I put it on hold for the summer, but now I can start spreading my wings again. As soon as I hear the boys are doing better, I will feel a whole lot better myself.

This felt a little rambling, and I think my writing could be better. I'm out of practice. Gotta go back to the office...

I don't know what to say...

I have a couple of ideas on what to post, but i'm just not in the mood to do it. Last night sucked really bad. I couldn’t get Sam to stop crying. He’s 14, and very much a strong young man who doesn’t cry. But it broke my heart yesterday holding him and letting him sob. I will say this, any guilt that I was carrying around for coming out of the closet and leaving my ex-wife is now gone. i was going to say I’m having a hard time being civil to her, but I’m not. I was in the closet until i was 30, I know how to fake shit. So for the boys benefit, I am nice to her, but on the inside i fucking hate her now. It is my fault we are divorced, I took her ”dream” away. but i didn’t take away the kids from her. She says she didn’t move to Kentucky to be mean, and I believe her, but I do think she gets some pleasure out of my pain. And what kills me the most is that i can live with the pain and misery, i have my whole life, but to see her put the boys through this is the worst fucking thing ever. Now I am slamming the keys on the keyboard as I type. FUCK!!!

I will write more tomorrow or the next day. I need to get some perspective. I wanted to write a letter to her and post it, there’s now way I would send it. I’m not stupid enough to do that. things are bad enough already, I don’t need to make them worse. But maybe i can get things off my chest in a letter.

it's hot... i'm going to bed...

Still Un-Deflowered :(

I am still around. I have been spending all my time with my boys so far this summer. That's why I haven't been posting. Unfortunately, they are leaving next Monday. I was able to keep it out of my head the whole time they were here until last Saturday. Then I realized it was barley over a week left before they left. I am trying, and being relativley successful in keeping my spirits high. I don't want the last few days to be downers. I have had one bad day, but I was able to pull out of it when I got home from work.

I have plenty to say, but I'm at work now and should actually be doing work (imagine that). Next week I will be able to get back into posting more regularly. Thanks for the concern and checking up on me.

jeff