An uncomfortable observation

I was looking at the Live Journal picture page a few minutes ago, there are 40 pictures at a time(link on the side), and I came across 2... photos that were kind of related. At least in my head. And my reaction to them has me a little puzzled. I will describe the pictures.

The first one was of a late term abortion. It was a fetus all bloody, on a white towel. Obviously late term. My reaction was mild, I am pro choice, but I don't like late term abortions. I think there should be time limits as to when you can't abort a fetus. My personal opinion. I saw the picture, registered it, thought that's not right, and moved on to the next picture of a kitty. All in about a seconds time. Then I scrolled down to some more pictures.

The second picture was of a baby seal being clubbed to death in Canada. At this picture, I felt outrage. I clicked on the picture and went on to read the Reuters article about it. My anger increased. "What a horrible thing they are doing. Killing these baby seals by clubbing them and skinning them alive," I thought. I was upset by the thought of this going on in 2006. How fucking awful.

I went back to the live journal page and continued looking at the pics. As I was waiting for the next page to load, I realized what a different reaction I had, and it puzzles me. I have outrage for a baby seal, but only mild discomfort for a fetus. This doesn't seem right to me. I feel uncomfortable with this realization. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a cold hearted bastard? I don't think so. I'm not really sure what my point is. It was just a weird observation of self. I thought I would share.

...

It's Saturday night... guess where I am

Yup... on my ass in front of the computer again. I know I said last time I would write more frequently, but... I didn't. No excuse. I thought about it, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. I'm not really in the mood for it now, but it seems like I should.

the new job is going well. I am happy with the choice I made. It felt like a cop out at the time, but now I am so glad I chose this job. The people are nice and friendly, and there is new stuff to learn and put my mark on. That's kind of exciting, they are looking at me to improve on manufacturing stuff. Like they value my opinion. What a nice feeling.

I am fighting with my car financing pricks. I haven't paid my car payments for Feb and now Mar also. I called in mid march to talk about an extension, and they said that I would have to wait until April 1st to get the extension. Then some rude lady called me at my NEW JOB and gave me a rash of shit about being late. I told her what that they told me to wait until April and she said that they would have never said that to me. Fucking cunt. So I gave her a hard time and just kept arguing with her over and over the same point. Just to be an ass. I know I shouldn't have, but it was kind of fun. Mom is going to bail me out again, then I should be able to get an extension and pay her back. I hate borrowing money from anyone. Normally I don't do it, just suffer the consequences. But this time, I have to have my car, and it's not my fault I got laid off.

I saw Inside Man today. (alone...) It was a good movie. I didn't figure it out until the end. i don't know if that means it was good or I'm just getting stupid. I wanted to see it all along, but the guys at my new job said that one of our systems was going to be in the movie, if it didn't get cut out. So i went to see if I could spot it. And I did. There's even a picture in EW of Denzel, with our weather station behind him. Pretty cool.

I was gone all day today. I wanted to start cleaning up so it's nice and neat when the boys get here. I will do it tomorrow, but now I have been invited to Joe's house to eat tomorrow at 2:00. History has taught us that I will sleep in Late, and when I get back, I will sit on my ass. I don't hold a lot of hope out for cleaning.

In closing... here is a cute picture I found. I would title it: Ninja Kitty

Yikes... It's been a while...

Well, to start off, I made my decision about the job. I took the weather one. The comfortable one. The easy one. The boring one. I'm trying to be happy about it, and I pretty much am. I start work on Monday. Wow, what a load off my mind to be able to have a paycheck again. Thank god.

Now, the real reason I am here. I just chatted for a half an hour with someone. A stranger! Me! I was even the one who initiated it. Of course, I didn't think his smiley face was lit up, so he would see my message after i was logged out, but he answered me right away. It freaked me out. I was thinking that maybe since I am having such a hard time meeting people in person, I could meet some people online and get some experience with meeting people, so i could do it in person some time. But i wanted to take baby steps, start now, and maybe actually talk tomorrow. But he was there, and we talked for a while.

I was looking at my favorite live journal page (in the links) and I saw his picture. He was cute so I clicked on the picture to check him out. He is a very interesting person. He's been through some pretty crappy things and I wanted to tell him to hang on and it will get better. Then we talked for a while. It was nice. And so out of my comfort zone. ( a phrase I hate) I hope I get to talk to him again.

I didn't post this, but last Sunday at 9:00 in the morning the phone rang and woke me up. It was my mom, saying they (her, and my aunt Mary and her husband mike) were outside and asked if I wanted to go shopping with them. Since I was sleeping, my brain had not caught up yet and I said ok, if they wait for me to et ready. So, I went shopping with them. It wasn't horrible, but they are... middle aged, not old yet, but... getting there. We walked around the store and they bought things and then we had lunch and came home. It was a good distraction and got me out of the house finally. Well, I am telling you this now, because I went out with them again tonight. They are fun, for older people, I enjoy being with them. And they enjoy my youthfulness :), but it kind of seems like I'm dating my mom. It seems a little weird. We went and saw the Pink Panther movie. Not my choice, but since I wasn't paying, I didn't want to press my opinion. I wanted to see Failure to Launch. I love Sarah Jessica Parker, and her man for that matter. But Mike wanted to see Pink Panther, so we did. It was ok. Well... it wasn't all that great. I didn't like it very much, but I told them I did because they loved it and I didn't want to harsh anyone's mellow.

On another note... I found out that the boys will be back here on march 29 for spring break. I didn't think it was until the end of April. Woo Hoo!!! I am very happy about this. They are excited too. God, I miss them. Sam said he is over 5'7" now. He was 5'5" the last time I saw him at Christmas. Taller than me @ 5'4". I can't even imagine him being that tall. How the fuck can I have a kid that tall, and going into high school next year? Holy shit! I want to say I am old, but I know I'm not. Well I am in gay years, but not in real life. I just started way to early. I can't wait for them to get here.

I think I've said enough for now. I will try to update this more often. I should add something about my moods, since i know there is one person reading who would want to know. I am still feeling up. I haven't sank into a pit of depression. i have had my times for sure, but i am able to get out of them rather than wallow in them. Such a change for me. Maybe life will work out for me after all. I am still unbelievable lonely, and too timid to go out and meet anyone. I haven't given up though. Not yet at least. I want too many things to give up yet.

bye...

Day 14... Decision time...

I officially have an offer from both places now. After I talked with weather people (small business) I called the Davis HR person and left a voicemail telling her I had another offer and asked if they were going to make an offer to me soon. She called me first thing this morning to give me an offer. They both pay lower than I was making, Davis is $.31 less than the weather people. I told them their first offer was too low, she came back with a higher number, and a 90 day evaluation. The benefits are about comperable. Davis pays fully for medical, the weather one is slpit 80-20. They both have 401K, the weather one matches the 15%, Davis matches 3 1/2% Davis has tuition reimbursment, the weather one doesn't.

I really don't know what to do. I am leaning towards the Davis job, it's only 4 days a week, Mon. - Thur. but the swing shift is presenting a problem for me. I'm not sure what to do when the kids are back for the summer. If I have to go to work at 4:15 in the afternoon, somebody is going to have to watch them. I know Sam is old enough, at 14 to stay home alone, but Matt isn't ready, and I'm not ready to leave them unsupervised for 10 hours a day. Who would make dinner? Who would settle fights? But if the stay in Kentucky, for the next school year, I wil have 10 months with out them here. There is a week or 2 throughout the year, but not much time. I will be able to take classes during the daytime. And have 3 day weekends.

I'm not sure what to do. Neither of these is my dream job. Should I refuse both and wait for something else? I'm not that big of a gambler. I've had 3 interviews, and rececived 2 offers. I think I am a good find for any business. But this no money thing, borrowing from mom isn't a good fit for me.

holy crap... what to do...

Day 6...things are looking better...

Don't you just love my mood swings. I know I do. I had a major one today. I slept in until 11:00, then got up and had breakfast while surfing. At 12:00 I was bored and couldn't think of anything to do. Well, anything fun at least. Since I am cash strapped for another week or so, I can't really go out. I can't go for a drive because I need to save gas. So, I went back to bed and slept until 2:00.

All this sleeping I've been doing causes me some concern. On those depression comercials, sleeping a lot is a major sign, and I have been sleeping a lot. But when I woke up, I was in a better mood, and came up with a whole list of things to do (mostly cleaning). I even wrote them all down, because after a while, I tend to foget all the things on the list.

I am working my way through them, having a pretty good afternoon. I am ironing clothes right now, and I have a few minutes before the dryer stops. Plus Sam is supposed to call me soon. I've been calling all week, but I haven't been able to get a hold of them. Frustrating.

I actually put a profile on yahoo personals today. God I hate doing that. I never know what to say. I wanted to respond to someone else's add, but I had to make my own first. Another baby step. i know, I need to take big boy steps too. Yes... I will...

Day 4... depression sets in...

I'm one of those people who knows the right thing to do, but I just don't do it often enough. I know I shoud be getting out of the house and doing things rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. but, that's what i am doing. I haven't found a job yet that really excited me. the first one I interviewed for was was pretty ood. I liked it. but I din't get it. This morning I got a call from my old boss saying that Davis Tool call to check my references. Then i got a call from my other boss saying the same thing. it looks like things are moving forward with this job.

i jsut watched The Weather Man with Nicholas Cage. Not a Hollywood ending. It didn't help my mood. But when it was over, i came back to the computer to check my email and I got one from the other job i am in the running for. He said they want to make me an offer, can i come in on Monday and talk with them. Well, I should be happy! Excited!

I'm not. This is the same kind of job I have been doing for the past 6 years. The same job I was bored out of my mind doing. It will be different, I'll be learning and building a new product, but after 6 months, when i get everything learned, I'm afraid i'll be bored again. I think they will offer me the smae salary i had before, the Davis Tool job will be less. i can try to bump them up to my level, but I don't know how that will work. Plus the hours are really weird there. maybe I could get used to it, but I don't know.

Mom is getting that concerned look in her eyes again. She is worried that I am gtting depressed. I try to put on a happy show when I'm there, but I am not as convincing as I used to be.

i don't even want to think about money. I have $4.00 left, and I won't get a check until at least a week from now. I paid the rent, but not the car payment. I have been putting off calling them. I really should before they call me. Tomorrow.

I Finally Did It...

I just got back from the gym ! !!! I know I said I was going to go yesterday, but I didn't. I didn't plan on going today either. I got up at 9:00, played on the web for a while and ate breakfast. Then I had to wait for breakfast to settle and about 10:30, I decided to go to the gym or back to sleep. I chose back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30, feeling depressed because I didn't have anything to do. Of course I have lots to do, but nothing fun. I have clothes to wash and fold (I never fold them or put them away). But on a whim, out of nowhere, I got dressed and picked up my gym bag and walked out the door. I didn't think about it long enough to talk myself out of it. I didn't have lunch and I have to be aware of my blood sugar level, so i had half a Cliff before I went in.

I used a new machine today, I really like it. It has a timer on it, and i was just praying that I got to 20 minutes. HA! I made it to 30 minutes, plus a cool down. And... the best part... I didn't feel like I was dieing. And i didn't have to go get sick afterwards either. And, my mood is way way way better thatn before I went. I know people say that, but they could just be saying that to trick you into going to the gym. I'm a glass is half empty kind of guy.

I'm going to call the boys now that I can do it earlier.

No news on the job front, I did put in my claim for unemployment today. hopefully I will get a check next week.

...

Day 2... reality sets in...

So here I am, on the 2nd day of unemployment. Friday was more like a vacation day for me. I know it was really the first day of no work, but it was like taking a day off. Very nice. Today it's official. I have no job. It was very nice sleeping in this morning, then turning on the TV while laying in bed. But of course there was noting on to watch, so I turned it off and got on the internet. Oh the internet... Thank god for you.

I have to find something to keep me busy. I packed my bag to go to the gym, then I ate some oatmeal. Now I am full and I want to wait a little while before I go. I don't want to puke again like last time. I am going to the Bruce Willis movie today. I have a couple of free tickets so I'm going to take my mom. I wanted to go the the 12:30 show, then unfortunately, it would be too late to go to the gym. Damn... it's always something. But she can't go until the 3:00 show. Well shit, now I have to go to the gym. I'm out of excuses.

I am officially out of money too. Even worse, my checking account is overdrawn... a lot. And I have no job for money coming in. I will get my unemployment, but not for another week or two. My, things are going swimmingly. I think I am in denial about my situation. I was $23.00 short for the rent, I had to borrow $40.00 from my mom. God I hate doing that. So I have a month reprieve before panic sets in again. I am late on my car payment. I have to call them and see what we can do. I hope they have some kind of plan for the end of my world. I hope.

Argg. I am lonely sitting here. I joined that Meet in Portland group, but there aren't any events that I want to go to yet. I guess I should find something to do to get out of the house. I can't afford to spend money on gas either, so I can't take off and drive somewhere far away.

The Oscars were on last night. And I had to go to a birthday party at 6:30. You can't schedule a birthday party for the middle of the Oscars! MY GOD! It's a high holy day for my people. I tried to get out of it, but I was the ride for my mom and some other people, so I had to go. I did tape it though, and watched it when I got home. I really wanted Felicity Huffman to win. I love her. But Reese Witherspoon is great too. I love her too. I really love her husband. mmmm Ryan Phillipe mmmm He's yummy. George Clooney won, I like him too. Brokeback didn't win, I was a little dissapointed, but Crash was a great movie too. And I think John Stewart was great.

Can you tell I'm bored? I'm going to look at some naked dudes, then go to the gym.

The Interview...

i had my interview today. I think it went pretty well. Now I have to decide whether or not to take the job if it is offered. Boy, I'm not sure. There are some red flags going up in my mind. It will be a paycut, I'm not sure how much yet. The strange hours. And here is the biggest issue I have with it. As I was sitting there filling out paperwork and waiting for the guys to come down and get me, I got to see a lot of the people who work in the shop. They said there are 160 people on the day shift. The atmosphere is very masculine. This is a shop. Big machines are used by big men doing manly things. Very testosteroney. :) I'm not sure how I will fit into that kind of situation. I'm not a flamer, it isn't that obvious that I'm gay. But I really don't know how comfortable I will be in this place. I know its not fair to generalize, butI will anyway. These kinds of places and guys are usually not very gay friendly. I have worked in warehouse environments before, with big guys doing big guy things, and it's kind of like a lockerroom. Fag is the worst insult available. I may be making more out this then necessary, I don't know. I think it is fair to step back and think about this. The culture of the workplace.

There are pluses too. Even though the shift is weird, it is only a 4 day week. If I don't go in until around 4:00, that gives me a lot more flexibility with school. There are lots more classes available during the daytime. I worry about not being able to join others and do things as much. I know! I'm doing that right now, but it is an option. And I plan to start. I swear.

Tomorrow I go in for a second interview with a small company like I used to work for. It would be doing pretty much the same thing I did for the last 6 years. I'm too psyched about that. But it would be easy, stable, close to home. I probably wont have to take a paycut. There's something to think about.

Ahhh. I don't know what to do...