Kind of an attention grabbing post title.
It's not what you think (pervs).
I have been listening to my ipod during work when I am alone. Last week I was listening to My Chemical Romance and I was walking from the back of the warehouse to the front and one of the songs was just ending. So as I was walking... it embarrases me to even admit this... as I was walking I threw my hands up in the air and started dancing.
Now you must know that dancing where anyone can see me out of the question. Add that to the list of my many hang ups. It's near the top. I was sure everyone was in the front office and I was by myself. I was wrong. Debbie (my good friend) was just walking out the doorway into the warehouse and caught me with my hands in the air dancing to a song only I could hear. When I noticed her she was bent over double laughing at me. My face red as can be, she came up to me and said "now that's gay". We had a good laugh and every time she looked at me the rest of the day, she laughed. That's how I was caught being gay at work.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Randomness...
First of all, I need to start with a picture. I found this surfing a couple of days ago on the Live Journal picture page (it’s in my list of links). I could, and do, waste hours refreshing this page. I’m kind of a voyeur I guess. Any ways... I saw this and it made me laugh, really hard. And now each time I open it and see it again, I laugh just as hard. Maybe it’s just me, it makes me smile.
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
I hard to work again today at the second job. And this time I loaded a bunch of Todd & Pony shows on my ipod so I was ready. There each about an hour long, so the time really passed quickly. Again I was laughing all by myself in a quiet room, but at least no one else was there today to hear me.
While I was driving home I was thinking about making a blog entry, and here are some of my thoughts: when I first started this, and for a long time after, I assumed that I was the only one reading it. So it didn’t matter to me if I put down whatever was in my head. Usually it was depressing things, occasionally upbeat, but not often. Then people started reading it and commenting on what I was saying. Then, I lost my internet connection and stopped blogging for a while, and now no one is commenting anymore. So I don’t know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I haven’t been posting a lot lately, I don’t want all my post to be moody and whiny. I’m afraid it will turn people off and they won’t read anymore.
But, I should just forget that, and go back to putting down my thought and what I’m going through. Since I don’t have a person in my life I can talk to about deep issues, this is kind of my way of getting things out of me, like talking with a friend.
On that note, softball season is here. I have been saying since last summer when the season ended that I would sign up this year and play. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But now I have to actually do it. The first meet and greet is today at 4:00. I have to go and be the new person around a bunch of strangers. Toddy will be there, but I don’t want to just hang on to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I mean I do want to hang on to him, but I know better.
I am very nervous about this. I have a gift of denial though. I can deny almost anything if I want to. Right up until the very last moment. That is what I am doing today.
I hate being the new guy. I also worry that I’ll get picked last for a team. I have all these visions of junior high gym class where it was horrible. I don’t want to be the weak link on a team. I don’t want to let my teammates down by striking out or dropping a ball or having a heart attack from being out of shape. Give me any situation, I can find a way to be nervous about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
New Subject -
I don’t know if anyone has noticed yet, but I tend to be a little on the pessimistic side of life. When I think about my life and my past, I always think of the things I wish I had done, or done differently. So I was thinking on the drive home today that I should make a list of all the thought in my head on my blog. I could list everything that I regret, that I missed out on doing, wrong decisions. I would start with the bad list first, of course, because that’s what I always focus on. Then I would do a list of the positives in my life. I know I have some, probably a lot if I sat down and listed them, but they don’t come up when I’m thinking about my life.
I’m not going to do it now because this is already too long, and I need to go get ready to go to the softball thing.
I will leave you with this though... a picture of my new house in the burbs. We will be moving in next weekend. I can’t wait...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I'm so high...
How's that for an attention grabbing title? Huh...?I am here at work, and yes it's true, I have become impaired. I had a root canal yesterday and my dentist is generous with the Vicodin prescriptions. So, I took a couple this morning and then I took two more after lunch. Wow, am I ever fucked up. The good news is that the boss is out sick today, well not such good news for him. I've been thinking about what to post for a while. This may be another one of my rambley ones... you've been warned.
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Instead of the usual stuff I write about, I thought that I would share some the things in my life that are giving me pleasure (besides my right hand.) A couple of weeks ago I bought the new "My Chemical Romance" CD. I LOVE it! I listen to it all the time. I also bought an Ipod, I mentioned that before but it's is so great, it's worth mentioning again. I've got all my Cd's loaded onto it. I've got "The Todd & Pony Show" on it. I went over the weekend to Everyday Music, a used music store, and bought 3 Cd's. 2 from my past and the new Josh Groban one. I haven't listened all the way through Josh's yet. What I have heard though is just like the others. I like them, but maybe I was expecting something different. I dunno...
The other 2 are country form the early '90s. I got John Berry and Doug Stone. Do any of you even know who they are? I'll tell the story of why I love John Berry so much. When this CD came out in '93 or '94, my older boy Sam was just getting to the talking stage. The first song on the CD is called "She's Taking a Shine". It is one of my favorite memories from back then, baby Sammy singing at the top of his lungs along with the music. Hearing that from the back seat always made me smile and/or tear up. So I had to buy that one again.
Doug Stone was out at the same time, they kind of are linked in my head with that time in my life, so I bought it also. I am having a great time listening to them and singing along.
My mom and I put an application in on a house that we both really like. We should hear tonight if we're approved. I think we will be, Jason, the property management guy took a liking to us. He said that to 2 of our references already. He seemed like a pretty cool guy too. He will let us keep the dogs (hooray... sarcasm) and I can keep Gary (my cat) but only outside. I'm going to work on him when we sign the papers and try to get him to let Gary in the house. He is a really good cat, the best I've ever had. I have to do right by him.
If this works out, we will move in on March third. I'm 2 weeks away from sleeping in my own bed again. And getting all my stuff out of storage. Another cool thing about this house is it has 3 bedrooms, plus a large office room. Mom was going to split the spare bedroom between her office and beds for the boys when they come home. Now she doesn't have to. There will be a spare room for the boys with their own beds and their own stuff in it. Plus, there will be 2 extra beds for when we have company. My oldest brother spends a couple of weekends a month with us. He has been sleeping on the love seat, but he's probably 5'10", it looks very uncomfortable. Soon he will be able to stretch out and sleep well.
On another note...
I was reading Just Out the other night, and I saw an advertisement for the Gay Softball League. They are having a meet and greet at the end of the month. Especially for new players. I have been thinking about joining since last year when Toddy asked me to. Now the time has arrived and I am nervous as hell. Meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I really want to meet some new people. It's a catch-22 I tell ya. I need to get some more information about it before it happens.
I am soooo fucked up. As I sit here typing, I can feel myself swaying back and forth. AND OH MY GOD!!!! This vicodin makes me itchy. My nose and my forehead are driving me crazy. I feel like one of those meth people on the TV.
Oh yeah... I forgot the newest thing that is making me happy. I just got Tivo! It is so fucking great. I can't even tell you. Last Thursday I was so tired I was falling asleep in my chair after dinner. But Thursday is a good night for TV. Survivor is back. My Name is Earl and the Office are on at the same time. Then... Grey's Anatomy is on I INTERRUPT THIS SENTENCE TO TELL YOU THAT MOM JUST CALLED AND WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! WE SIGN THE PAPERS TOMORROW @ NOON, AND GET THE KEYS ON THE FIRST. FUCKING A!!!
So anyway, I tivo-ed (sp) all of those shows, and went to bed at 7:00 that night. It is so cool. There was nothing on last night, so I caught up on some of what I saved. It was wonderful.
I am so happy now. I would like to go out and have a drink to celebrate, but it's valentines day and I don't wan to be out alone amongst the lovers of the world. Maybe tomorrow night. I'm going to try and finish some work right now, maybe the day will get done faster that way.
hugs... jeffery
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Todd & Pony
So things are happening right now, I have stress, of course. I have been called a loser by members of my family. Not using that word, but in essence. And more stuff like that too. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly I just feel stress. But I'm not here about any of that today.
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Today I want to talk about my friends Todd and Pony. I don't know Pony all that well, but he is a real nice guy. Don't tell him I said that. I guess I don't know Toddy that well either, but he is one of those people who it feels like you've known forever. I haven't been able to go and see them at the bar lately. I've been busy, but I could have made the time. I have to work on that.
The reason for this post is to thank them for their podcast. www.toddandponyshow.com I listened to the first few podcasts they did before I lost internet access. I thought about posting this then, but you know me, I put it off until I couldn't do it. I recently bought an ipod. Hurray for me joining the 21st century. The first thing I did was to subscribe to the Todd and Pony Show. I have downloaded the last 2 podcasts and I had to work last Saturday all by myself so I was able to listen to them.
I was feeling very stressed and down that day. There is a lot of crap on my shoulders right now, and I've been a bit down. So I am sitting in the back room of the office, building terminals, the boss is in the front office working too. I turned on the show while I was working and I ended up laughing my ass off. I'm a bit of a snorter when I get tickled. So picture me sitting there, it's quiet as a church (I guess) and I let out a snort at something Toddy says. I think I even hooted once. I do that too. What my boss was thinking hearing these noises from the back room I don't know. He didn't say anything about it, but he had to have heard me. Maybe he thinks I am just retarded.
I have decided that I need to listen to the next one with a pencil and pad. They say so much stuff that needs to be commented on, but by the end I can't remember half of it. So I will try to write down my comments for next time.
A few I remember:
the brown ketchup...
the exploding egg... that's when I hooted
That's all I can remember, and there was lot's more that made me laugh. So I have to say to Todd and Andy, thank you for your podcast. Each and ever time I have listened to it it has brought my mood up, usually lasting for the rest of the day. Maybe it's because I know you, I can picture you sitting there as I listen. I know your manerisms and that makes it all the more fun. You guys are great, I look forward to listening every week.
hugs... jeff
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Mommy and Me
That title makes me smile. Maybe I am alone in getting the joke, maybe not, but it’s all about me anyways, so there.
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
I have been thinking a lot about this whole moving in permanently with mom thing. The more I think about it, the pros outweigh the cons. I have talked with one of my brothers about it, and he of course thinks it’s a good idea. The rest of my family is very supportive and thankful that I am staying with her for the time being at least. She doesn’t live in the best neighborhood and it just doesn’t feel right for her to be alone all the time.
But back to me… I am going to have a problem with telling people that I live with my mom. If I decide to do it, we will have to move to a bigger place. Then it won’t be me moving in to my mom’s house, as much as sharing a house with my mom. Semantics. I know, it’s the same thing.
My biggest worry is that I will stop trying to live my life. I won’t go out anymore and hang out and make new friends. I really need to be conscious of this and make an effort to live the life I want. Where I live and who I live with shouldn’t make any difference on living the kind of life I want. Except I wont be able to bring anyone home for humping. But there are always other ways of getting around that.
I guess I am really leaning towards doing this. It will make things easier for both of us. I want to talk to some more people before I make the final decision. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.
Take care…
jeffery
Friday, January 19, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Freedom...
I'm all full of new experiences. fully intended to blog more often after my last post. Circumstances stepped in the way though. I really like my new doctor. I called the office last Monday to see if there was any medicine they could give me fr the cramps until I was able to make the next appointment. The soctor himself called back about half an hour later and asked me to come on in now and talk. They just received the lab work back and it confirms that I do indeed have Crohns disease. There were 2 ways to treat it, take pills at home and wait, or go into the hospital for steroid treatment. I chose the hospital to get this fixed as quickly as possible.
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
So, I have been in the hospital snce last Monday. They let me out yesterday evening. It is so good to be back home. It wasn the first time I have soent in the hospital. Other than ER visits. I am on a super restrictive no fiber diet. Most of the cramps are gone and only a little bit of pain is left. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel good today. I have no stamina though. It will come back slowly. I'm gong to work half days this week and see how I am doing next week. Work has been incredible about this. I am really lucky to be have the job I do.
As far as my attitude is concerned, I don't know why I am not depressed or totally fatalistic about this. Maybe it is because I feel reasonably good for the first time since October. Who knows... I'm just going to keep on keeping on...
Friday, January 05, 2007
What's new with me
Hello again. Happy new year to all. I've been out of commission for a while, I thought I would update this thing and let people know what is going on. My boys were here for Christmas week. We had a great time. I miss them so much, but at least my fear of there being any weirdness between us is not true. We are just like we were before they left, thank god.
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
Well here is my new news. I have been pretty sick for a while now. It started in mid October. I have been having intense stomach cramps and frequent trips to the loo. Slowly, I was losing weight. I went to the doctor last on Dec 11th. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and scheduled me with a specialist, but not until Jan 23. A long time. Right after the 11th, I started getting worse. I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. I tried to get my appointment moved up but was unsuccessful. I started passing blood and after the boys left for Kentucky, I went to the emergency room.
The doctor there was very nice, he was able to schedule me for the next morning with the GI doctor. I got to be scoped out, not the most pleasant experience, but he very quickly made his diagnosis. I have Crohns disease. Holy fuck, this is bad. It scares me to death.
They don't know why you get it, and there is no cure. It is a progressive disease, I have fun to look forward to as I get older. The best they can do is try to control it. I go in next week to start a therapy plan. The good news (if you will) is that once it is under control, the symptoms are pretty much in the background. The only isssues are when there is an episode or outbreak. It is also very much food related. There are certain foods that I am unable to eat anymore. Especially fast food, burgers and pizza. I though I could eat Subway yesterday, but that brought on the vomiting as well as the diarrhea. Most unpleasant. I haven't been to work all week. They are being nice about it, but it does worry me about missing so much work.
I have to say that I am scared of things to come. My god, this is a disease that affect the butt. I am a gay man. I want to use my butt for other things. What if I can't? I still haven't had the pleasure, what if I never can? I need to ask the doctor about these things, but I don't know how he will deal with a gay man. There's that nervousness, coming out to a new person.
I don't know how this is going to effect the rest of my life. Will I be able to have sex? I know there are other thigns to do besides anal, but come on, that's supposed to be the good one. Will someone want to be with me if they can't have that? Will I have to let them get it on the side? Will I be able to play softball this spring? I am really looking forward to that. Can i drink anymore? So many unanswered questions...
Today I feel a little bit better, almost normal. I'm not as in shock or depressed about the news today. And, in an effort to find the silver lining, I am thinner now than i have been in a few years. And the prospect of loosing more is good. So at least I won't be a fatty anymore.
I'll try to post more often, I know I've said that before but...
jeffery
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