Hey there...

I've had an interesting day. Well, to me maybe. Ok, it wasn't that interesting. I just mean my mood was weird today. When I woke up, I was in a good mood. I ate my Raisin Bran while surfing the web and by the time I left for work, I was feeling a little down. Once again, I don't know why. The rest of the day I was in a pretty depressed/sad mood. After work I went to my mom's for dinner, still in a little funk, but after dinner I was feeling better. On the way home and even now, I am in a great mood. WTF! I hate mood swings. I realize that everyone changes moods, but it just seems like my changes are so exaggerated and random. Not self centered much am I?

During the day I listen to talk radio. I would think it would be obvious by now that I lean to left. I listen pretty much to Air America all day. Except between noon & 3:00. Then I listen to the Rick Emerson show. I love this guy, and Sarah the producer and Tim the newsguy. They are hysterically funny (at least to me). The reason for mentioning this is that tonight they are having a listener party downtown. Lots of loud music, fun and drinking. I really would have loved to go. This is the kind of thing i want to do. But, how can I go alone? I would feel just to self conscious wouldn't have anyone to say "did you see that?"I would be the lonely looking guy in the corner that people whispered about. So once again I let my fears and loneliness get in the way. I suck.

Now I'm in a crappy mood again. At least Survivor is about to start. That will take my mind off it.

The Fetal Position

This morning I am in a very good mood. I don't know why. I'm just going to go with it. As I was laying in bed this morning hitting the snooze button, I came to the realization that I do like being short sometimes. At only 5'4", I am always bitching about being to short. It's true, there is discrimination towards short people. There are studies. I read them. But you sound like a whiny bitch if you argue it, so I am just mentioning it.

Anyway, while I was laying in bed, I curled up into the fetal position and snuggled under my warm blanket. I got into a really small package. I very compact, but taking up much space on the bed at all. I liked being that small. I want to snuggle with a guy who is small like me. I also want to snuggle with someone big, like 6'5' 280 pounds, a football player. I want to be able to disappear in his arms. (oh yeah, of course by snuggle, I mean after mind blowing sex)

Jeez, this all seemed much better in my head. Reading it back, it seems kind of lame. But I am posting it anyway. Now I am going to be late for work. Oh well, I'm still happy. I haven't even taken my happy pills yet.

WOO HOO!!!

sad tonight

It's probably because I'm tired. Ther isn't a particular thing upsetting me. Other than the normal stuff. I don't have a life.

I'm listening to the new Dixie Chicks song as I write this. I love them. I can't wait until the new cd is out. I will buy it right away.

I had a busy day at work. I had to build ans ship 5 units on one order. I have been working on it for 3 days now. I wanted to ship it yesterday, but I couldn't make it. I barely made it today, after busting ass all day. I had an angering moment though. I had to ask John to show me how to ship these because they are a special order. `szI was trying to take notes as I did it because there is another order for the same place next week. So I wasn't sealing any of the boxes until I documented what was in them. I told John not to tape the box up, and why. He looked at me said your going to do more in 5 minutes anyway, and taped up the box. WTFIt's nt like he didn't hear me, he just dismissed what I was saying. I was more than a little pissed off after that. He wanted to help pack the other 4 units, but I told him I just needed him to show me how, and I will do the rest myself. He left. Debbie was happy that I got them out today. Nader said it didn't matter, I think he was trying to make me not be upset about missing shipping another day. But I made it.

I think they could tell that I was a little off. Nader came up to me afterwards and asked if I liked the job and was happy there. I told him I did and I was, and asked if he was happy with me. He said he was. he also told me not to worry about the mistakes I have been making. I am hard on myself when i make a mistake. I know that there is a learning curve, and mistakes will happen. But I hate fucking up.

I ate breakfast this morning. I was moving like crazy all day and about 11:30 wham, my blood sugar dropped. I noticed it all the sudden. I was fine, and then I wasn't. I knew I had to eat, I thought about waiting until 12:00 for lunch and started to work again, but there was no way that was going to happen. So I went to lunch early and I felt a little better. It made me tired for the rest of the day though. It was strange how I could tell what my body was doing. I tested my blood before I ate lunch and it wassoen to 71. Under 80 is bad. Under 60 is real bad. I have only had this happen once before. I know what is happening now.

I updated, now I'm going to bed.

bye...

I can't sleep

It's 2:30 in the morning and I've been tossing and turning for a while. So I get up to get a drink and realize I'm not even a bit tired. Is thisz becasue I slept too much? Probably. It sucks though. I have to work in the morning. It's 3:07 now and I am starting to yawn. That's a good sign.

goodnight...I hope

I did a bad thing...

And I don't feel guilty for it, and that makes me feel guilty. I know, I'm retarded. I have been arguing with myself all weekend about posting this. I don't want anyone to think bad of me. I can be a little self centered. This is what I did. My uncle had shoulder surgery and is staying a few weeks with my mom until he is better. I had dinner there on Friday night, and when they went out to the back deck for a smoke, I went into the kitchen and ... stole 2 of his pain pills. What kind of sick fuck would do that? I don't feel that bad about it. There was a full bottle of them, with refills, so I know he won't run out, they probably won't even miss them. I was hoping for vicodin, but they were oxycodyn. I remembered when I used to get high, and I thought here is a perfect chance for a one nighter. I was disappointed.

I took the 2 pills as soon as I got home, around 6:30, then settled in front of the computer and waited for them to kick in. It didn't really happen. All it did was make me tired. I didn't feel 'high" at all. So I laid on the couch and watched TV. It did finally kick in sometime during the night. I woke up and had a conversation with my cat. I remember complaining that it wasn't fair for it to take effect while i was sleeping, then I went back to sleep. Overall a let down from what I was expecting.

Then comes the next day. I remeber this feeling from the before time very well. Strung out, tired, unable to concentrate. I was a mess. I had lots of those mornings before, funny how you forget the after effects, but remember the fun. I still am kind of out of it tonight. So, I had a really boring weekend, mostly I laid around and slept. I did work at Bill's and LRS, but other than that, nothing. I was able to catch up on all the shows I taped when the kids were here.

They better not cancel Everwood. I love that show. Plus they are going to have a gay character come out of the closet. I think it will be the new guy that Ephram is tutoring. Yum

24 was awesome! I totally didn't see the President as the bad guy. I thought he was a helpless wimp and the Vice President was bad. Interesting twist.

Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were good. They pretty much always are. I wish they would show more of Andrew and his boyfriend though. They should get their own spinoff. I would watch it.

I am feeling kind of random tonight. I have been depressed this weekend, but I attribute that more to the drugs than anything else. I have reasons to be down, but the hangover part is making it worse I believe. So I'm not too concerned about it. Plus tomorrow I get to go back to work and be too busy to think about my problems.

I feel like whining, but I don't want to read it back after I do and see how pitiful I am. So, just know that I am whining quietly to myself. There are a couple of people reading this now. How very exciting for me. I read blogs all the time, but I never leave a comment. It is a reward when I get a comment on something like my own personal crap. I should probably start leaving comments on the blogs I read too. I have this irrational fear that they will share what I wrote with their friends and laugh at me. WTF I wouldn't even know it if they did. I hate being a pussy sometimes. Well, most of the time. Who likes to be a pussy?
Pussy is a disturbing word. The more I look at it (the word) the more it doesn't look right. Fecal is another distrubing word. It's all clinical, but still it's just gross. I think I'm losing it. I am going to go to bed now.

Tomorrow will be better. Right? RIGHT? C'mon, at least lie to me...

Again... so close...

I wanted to talk about sex, but it didn't feel right in the last post. I have some questions. I read a lot of stuff online, stories and blogs and just stuff. I have no question that having anal sex is going to hurt at first. In the stories, that always mophs into feeling good and having a swell time. The I have read some stuff about the only way that guys can enjoy it is by using drugs to sull the pain. I don't want to use drugs. And I don't want it to hurt every timne either. When watching certain "educational" videos about gay sex, most if the time they look like they are enjoying it. Is it all an act? Are they all high?

Here's another more disturbign question. Is it true that after you do anal for a while, you start to loose your pucker? I have read about leakage. WTF!! One site said not to wear white pants anymore. OMG! Is this true??? Maybe butt sex isn't a good idea.

It is a little embarassing to be my age and not know about sex. I know all about straight sex. I was married for 10 years. I was good at it, when it happened. But now I have to go through that awkward stage again. Am I doing this right? Was it good for you? Of course with guys it's pretty easy to tell if it was good. :)

Someone needs to enlighten me. Tell me all about it. Better yet, I need someone to show me all there is to know about gay sex. I am an eager learner.

I'm still here

It's Thursday night, the boys left last night. That's why I have been absent from posting. They were here for a little over a week. It was a great visit. I miss them being around so much. Sam is such a smart ass. It does me proud to hear some of the stuff out of his mouth. Matt is obsessed with sex. Boobies and such. He will be 12 next month. I don't think he knows a lot about sex, but he is eager to learn. He also says inappropriate things at times. If he wasn't my kid, I would laugh, but I am supposed to be the parent, so I give him hell. I must not be too rough though, he keeps doing it. They will be home for the summer in early June, for 2 months. I can't wait.

I am settling into my new job. I am starting to get comfortable with it. I know how to do a lot of things on my own now, and I don't have to keep asking for help. It is a little weird for me though. Nobody there cusses. EVER! I have to try very hard to censor myself. I know Nader, the boss, is religious. He talks about his church, and bible classes. That is fine with me. I know a lot of religious people. I respect their right to believe as much as I wish they would respect my right not to believe.

Then there is John, the sales manager. He is extremely right wing. He was telling me how the democrats are the problem with this country. He went on a long tirade about it. He kept going even after I told him I was a liberal guy. I couldn't do that, keep complaining when someone says they believe the other way. It doesn't seem respectful. You can have a difference of opinions, but they should be discussed rationally without the bashing.

Lastly, is Debbie. I can't get a read on her yet. She listens to NPR, but I can't tell where she lies politically does seem to be judgemental, and she hates pets. Which is funny because John brings his dog to work everyday. It's a little pomeranian. She is kind of nice to it, but everyone knows she doesn't like it. I don't like dogs that much either, but I can accept them ok.

One of my main concerns about these people is how they will respond when they find out I am gay. I was going to say fears instead of concerns, but it's not really a fear anymore. Fuck em if they don't like it. (don't I sound brave) I used to be terrified someone would find out. But now I just have a little concern for how they will react. Will they treat me differently? John said he is against gay marriage. I don't really care. I just want to work in a place where it doesn't matter. I have no intention of bringing it up, but I certainly won't lie about it. It's interesting to me how my feelings regarding being gay have changed.

Now i just need to go out and meet some people. And get laid. That would be good too.