Since we last spoke, things have been going pretty good. I made a mistake on Friday night though. A very DUMB mistake. It's something I won't repeat anytime soon. When I stayed out late for karaoke the other night, by the end of the night I was impaired and all the guys that I was sitting with were smoking. I haven't smoked since I was 21, so that's 15 years ago. I really wanted one that night. I haven't craved one for years and years, but I wnated one that night.
So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.
Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.
The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!
Love you all...
Monday, September 18, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A great time was had by...... ME!
Good morning my friends. I thought I would take the time to blog before I start working today. Why not start the day off right?
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.
Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).
I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.
To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.
The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.
I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!
Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.
Love you all…. jeff
Saturday, September 09, 2006
too pissed to be creative
Once again I have waited too long to post and I have too much to say. I'll try to get it all out.
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.
Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.
Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.
Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.
I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)
Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.
*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.
It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.
Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.
So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.
Well, I was in a good mood...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Too much inside my brain...
You know, I should really do this more often. I have so many things to say, and now to put them all into one post would be long and make me look even more schizo than ever. So, I will narrow it down a little.
This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.
On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.
I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.
I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs. So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.
I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….
jeff
This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.
On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.
I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.
I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs. So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.
I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….
jeff
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