Euphoric

HEY!!!!! Boy am I in a good mood today. No particular reason, I went to the doctor this morning and my test results were very good. Officially I have lost 10 pounds. My A1C is 5.7, down from 6.4 3 months ago. Anything under 6.0 is very good. Woo Hoo. I got a call for an interview this Thursday. It is for a scheduler/expediter. I'm sure i can do that, whatever it is. Ha! The only caveat is that it is on swing shift. A weird swing shift too. It starts at 4:15 in the afternoon, until 2:45 at night. Or in the morning, however you look at it. Those would be strange hours to get used to. The plus side is that it is Monday through Thursday. So i would get a 3 day weekend, plus not going to work until 4:15 Monday is like a whole extra day. It is a very interesting idea. i want to see what the job entails before I plan my life around it.

Yesterday i joined a club where people get together to meet other people. It is called Meet in Portland. Here is a link. http://www.meetin.org/city/MEETinPORTLAND/index.cfm?Group=MEETinPORTLAND&Rem=2

it looks like a good place to meet people. The new person gathering isn't until the end of the month though. I don't have to wait until then to go to something, I just have to get up the balls to do it.

bye bye

I'm a little bummed right now

I had a job interview on Wednesday. It went really well. They called me back late that afternoon and asked if I would come in for a secoond interview on Thursday, 1 of 3 people coming back. Thursday I met with the president and the person who'd job is up for filling. The lady, not the president, liked me and my answers. I couldn't get a feel for the president. It was almost like he already had his mond made up and was just going through the motions. They called me right before lunch and said they were going with an internal employee to fill the job. Well fuck. I'm not so much dissapointed in not getting the job, I maen I would have liked it and done well, but the fact that they pretty much had their minds made up about the internal person before calling me back. That's an assumption on my part, but I'm not stupid, I know the game works.

I'm more bummed about only having 2 days of employment left. What the fuck am I going to do? I'm not in full panic mode yet, but I can see it from here. Yikes! On the plus side, I was good enough to get called back for a second interview, and sine it has been years since I had to do that, I was pretty nervous about it. But at least I got one under my belt and will be more ready and prepared for the next one. See... a positive attitude.

On another note... I received an email out of the blue Wednesday night from someone responding to my profile on some gay website. He is at the coast and is going through a divorce right now and wanted to talk about how mine went down. We have sent a couple of emails back and forth and I assume will continue. He has a boyfriend, so it's not one of those kind of things. But making a friend right now would be great. If I get one, I can try to snowball that inot more. Wish me luck.

I should go back to work now... everyone is gone from the office except me right now.

it's been 4 days

woops, I usually like to post more often, but I have been busy so far this week. Well kinda. I would have last night, ut when I got home from the diabetes class, my power was shut off. Completely my fault, the bill has been staring at me for a while now, but I didn't pay it. Not because I didn't have the money, but out of laziness.

I had a job interview this morning. I had some anxiety, but it wasn't anything compared to what it would had been before the pills and coulseling. I am glad it is working out. I think the interview went well. There were a few occasions where I had trouble getting my words out, but I was able to cover it well and still get my point accross. It is kind of a step down, maybe a little bit, but I need the income, and I could do this job without a lot of stress. If I make it to the short list by the end of this week, then I have to interview with the president and vice president of marketing for the company. That makes me nervous, but I'm sure I can handle it.

I will try to post more later, I should be working right now.

it started with a 1...

OMG! OMG! OMG!

It happened! It finally happened! When I got n the scale this morning, it started with 1. I'm under 200 pounds. OMG! 199.6, but I'm not over 200 anymore. Holy shit! I didn't think this would actually happen. I knew it could, if I did the right things, but I have never done the right things before. I can feel and see a difference in my big Buddha belly. It is shrinking. Of course it is still rather bulbous, but progress has been made. I am very happy right now. I have been over the 200 mark for several years now, probably at least 5 if not more. Finally getting the depression under some control has helped extensively. But, it is because of the diabetes that the change has been made. More to the point, it is because I told my mom about the diabetes, at Hollys suggestion. Eating dinners with her for the past few weeks has really done wonders for me. I am eating well in the morning, lunch is better than before, mostly subway sandwiches. I need to start packing my lunch, then I will be in even more control over my food intake.

I told mom about loosing 14 pounds yesterday and thanked her profusely for her help, and she said that she is loosing weight again, 2 pounds last week, so by us working this together, it is showing benefits. It's all very exciting.

I have a lead on a job. It is through a tempo agency, but it is a temp to hire position. So after 3 months, the company will either let you go or hire you. I have no doubt in my abilities that i would be hired at the end of 3 months. It is something I could do rather easily. The bad part is the pay is $2.50 less than i make now. What to do? I doubt I will get that much in unemployment, and i need to have insurance to cover the diabetes. It's all very confusing. We'll see what happens next week.

Since I'm rambling on today, let me tell you about work yesterday. I finally had the chance to sit down with Stephen, on of my bosses and discuss what he wants form me for the month of February. Now that is almost over. I didn't care for it very much. He said that he expects more of me, and if I want any kind of future with them, I will have to be more proactive and professional. He wouldn't use the word professional, but he couldn't find a synonym for it he wanted. It was clear what he was saying. He asked about inventory levels, and I had done an informal count and had the numbers on my tablet. He asked for some I didn't count beforehand, so I went back and counted them. He said that this is what he was talking about. He wants a report, with the company logo, very professional, etc. Not the handwritten notes that I give him. Oh yeah, and I wasn't to take this personally. Well I did, fucker. There is a whole new manufacturing system that is almost ready to go. But he couldn't make it work on my PC, and told me in the first week that that will be on hold for a while. He was too busy writing code to fix it. Well fine, I will make do with keeping myself busy. He said he was unhappy to hear me say that I was running out of things to do, but he didn't tell me what he wanted! I did what he told me. Build up to a level of 30 units. OK, I did that, but now he wants to be ready to build 30 more units at the drop of that hat. If I had known that, I would have been working on it. But he didn't tell me until yesterday. So now I have a list of things to do and I am working steadily through them. Oh, and the new system is mine to figure out and make work. I will have to do it in his office. Ok, that's not a big deal. It is frustrating that he is unhappy with my work, I did what I was supposed to and did it without direction.

He said if I polish my work results, there will be opportunities to move into more things with them, like writing procedures and other things like that. It pisses me off that I was left floundering for half a month and then judged as less than because I didn't do what I didn't know I was supposed to, or that he told me was on hold. A very big part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off. But I am a grown up, and that wouldn't be the right thing to do. So, I will do what he asked, and I will knock it out of the park, as I am capable of doing, then I can tell him to fuck off. :)

This rant almost harshed my buzz over the whole starting with a 1, but then I remembered and my joy came back.

i'm off....

mind numbing boredom

I am going out of my mind. I have been sitting here all day trying to milk a mornings worth of work to last all day. I was supposed to talk to the boss today and see what his plans are for me for the rest of the month. It didn't happen. Fuck, after today, I really won't have anything to do. I'm going nuts here. I need to be busy.

My job search is still quiet. (crickets) I am going to talk to a temp agency tomorrow. There was a job for $17.00 an hour that I could easily do, but they said it is not really that much. It would already be $2.00 less than I am making now, and if it is lower, I don't know if it's worth it. Here is the delima. Do I sit it out and collect unemployment until I find a new job? I don't have any idea how long that will take. Or do I take any job I can find for now and keep looking while I collect a paycheck? What about health insurance??? I kind of need that now, since I got the diabetes. What to do? What to do? I wish I knew. Fuck.

In other news... I called the boys on Tuesday and Matt was sitting in front of the computer. I asked him if he had the webcam set up yet, and he said that they couldn't make it work. So I walked him through setting it up. Which was not that easy, Matt's speech problem is worse over the phone. But we got it done, and I was able to see them! I can't tell you how good that made me feel. Just the phone calls were getting to be not enough for me. I was really starting to get down about missing them. But now I can see them while we talk. I was so excited that the next day I went out and bought a webcam for me. So last night we got to talk and we could see each other. It's is very exciting for me.

I called Joe and had him set up his webcam too. (I bought Joe's and Jim's kids webcams for Christmas) I will call Jim tonight and get him to hook his up. It will be pretty cool to have all these little windows open with family in each of them. I'm pretty pumped about this.

I am still eating good. Not perfect, but way better than before. I did have a kung pow chicken last week. I know that's not good for me. WAY too much rice, but it's good and I was really good the next day also. I have lost 14 pounds over the last 6-8 weeks. Unbelievable! Well, not really. I always knew all I had to do was actually eat correctly. Think about what it would be if I was going to the gym like I am supposed to. I almost did this morning, but at the last minute, I laid back down and slept. Wrong decision. I was awake at 6:00, when I woke up at 7:00, I was tired, and it took ne all morning to wake up. That must be my punishment for skipping the gym again. Tonight I will get everything ready to go and just get up and leave tomorrow.

I saw Holly last night. She hasn't read my blog for a week, so I didn't have to talk to her about Tim. I was worried she would bring it up. But she didn't, so neither did I. I wonder if she will next week.

You know what else sucks? I am just starting to be ready to go out more, but without a job, I can't afford to. Which is just another rationalization. I can order one drink and milk it all night. I was looking for volunteer oprotunities today, but I didn't see any that really jumped out at me. I will look again when I have more time. Not that I don't now, but I am at least trying to look busy.

30 minutes to go...

It's a sign...

I just posted my last entry, and clicked over to LJ pics, and this was at the top of the list:

Regrets...

I have some. I stayed home again today. I could have made it today, I'm not really that bad. I made the decision last night before I went to bed. I even wrote the email to my boss then, because in the morning my head is functioning at full speed. After yesterday, I felt ok in the morning, but crashed about lunchtime, I didn't want to go through that again. So I stayed home today. I don't feel too bad, I'm not well yet, but I could certainly work. (frustrated with myself)

Right now my biggest is yesterdays post. WTF was I thinking? That whole Tim thing was supposed to go to the grave with me. I don't know why I wrote that, other than he has been on my mind a lot. I can't stress enough how perfect he was/is. Because I want too, here is a story about him.

*THIS SECTION DELETED FOR NOW*

Maybe I will continue the story later. It is kind of nice to get it out, even if no one knows it.

On a different note, I am kind of down today. I haven't heard anything back form any of the resumes I sent out. I am really getting scared about being out of work. What am I going to do? Should I just settle for any job I can get? Take a pay cut? Wait it out on unemployment? How does that look to future employers, not having a job? It's good to be working when you switch jobs, although it's not my fault I was laid off. Fuck. I am lost here. Today is not good day. I hope part is because I feel guilty about not going to work today. And that my head still feels sick. I hope I'm not on another downward spiral. I'm going to lie on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe sleep. Sleeping so ,much worries me. It is a sign of growing depression. I'm going to pretend that it is from being sick that I am sleeping so much. Not depression. I hope...

Monday, and I'm still sick

I felt bad this morning about calling in sick again. I just felt more tired than anything. Boy am I glad I did now. I think I had some kind of relapse. I went to Blockbuster and got a couple of movies, though I might sleep through them.

I have a concern. This no job thing, I'm afraid it may turn me into even more of a hermit. I seem to be retreating into myself. I haven't been to moms in a few days. I don't want to get her sick. I haven't talked to my brothers. I talked to the kids, they are doing well. But other than that, I am alone. I went to 3 movies this last weekend, by myself. I go out, but I am alone. I always feel alone. Even in a crowd. Even at a big family event. I have a close family, but I never feel like I fit with them. Probably because I was in the closet until I was thirty. I don't know if that will ever go away.

I don't even know where I am going today. I is kind of like a writing class.. just free writing. Saying what ever comes into my head. Apparently my filter is out sick today also.

I have another secret. Something that I have told no one. Ever. I'm going to share it with you now. I don't know why, maybe because my filter is out today. I was in love once. With a man. He was wonderful. He was my best friend, and he was straight. i was also married at the time. I think about him a lot. Recently I can't seem to get him off my mind. His name is Tim. That's enough for now. He was so beautiful. And kind, and funny and sexy and a good friend. I don't want to get into it all right now. But when i think back on it, falling in love with him was the beginning of my downfall. It is not his fault at all, but my inability to deal with myself loving Tim. God I miss him.... I don't think I will ever get over him...

I'm sick

It's true. i am sick. I don't know where it came from, but I got it. Let me just say that I am the worlds biggest baby when i get sick. I readily admit this. I whine a lot, and whimper too. Sometimes it's so bad i annoy myself. But... I'm sick. I'm allowed to wallow in self pity. I just went out to eat a hamburger, and now I am exhausted. I also stopped at Blockbuster and got a couple of movies. I'm going to lay on the couch and either sleep or watch movies. Probably both.

I read a lot of blogs and the ones that I read have a lot shorter posts than I do. Do I talk too much? I don't know how to say what i want without using lots of words. I've decided not to care about the length of my posts anymore. That sentence sounds dirty to me. In a good way. Replace posts with another word and it is funny to me. I am so juvenile sometimes, not that that's a bad thing.

When I sat down here I had more to say, but now I'm just tired and can't remember anymore. Nappy time...

Here's a couple of new pics I found...

This one makes me laugh...


This one is just fucked up. I want to learn how to kayak, but not in the ocean.

It's cold in here...

I sit in a backroom at the new place and do my work. All the nice offices in the front are heated very well, so well that they have to turn down the heat. But it gets cold in the back. They don't notice very often. Sometimes I have to wear my coat! Unbelievable! I keep forgetting to bring a sweatshirt. The previous bithcing was sarcastic. I don't think that comes across as intended. But it is cold here. My nipples are going to cut a hole in my shirt. That's a great title, I should have used that.

I'm in a good mood. Still haven't heard anything on the job front. Somehow I feel that things will work out. As long as I get enough unemployment to cover the bills.

I'm just about out of things to do here. I still have the rest of the month to go. I'm not sure what they want me to do. I can't stretch out the work, that's not right. So I build as fast as always, and now I'm out of work. I'm trying to find stuff to keep busy.

I gotta pee...

Where does the time go?

I can't believe Wednesday is almost over. This week is going by fast. Today I wasn't in a great mood. I wasn't really down like I used to be either. I guess that is progress. Today I ate badly. I didn't set out to, but I did anyway. I forgot my breakfast groceries in mom's fridge yesterday, so i didn't have anything here for breakfast. I decided to buy a couple of bananas at the 7-11 across from work. Of course they were out of them today. I looked around for something else good, but all I could find was an unappealing apple. So I bought a coke and a danish. Bad. The good news is I drank less than half the coke, but I did finish the danish. Then by lunchtime my mood was down a little again, so I ate Frickin Chicken for lunch. Very not good for you. Of course I did eat well for dinner, and I checked my blood level afterwards and it is right where it's supposed to be. Tomorrows another day, I'll try again for perfection then.

I am going to have lunch on Friday with an co-worker from way back. JoAnn. She is the nicest person that I have ever met. One time I was hanging out in her cubicle and she got a phone call and at the end she laughed real hard. I asked her what was funny and she said that Art (the guy on the phone) said he was just "shitting me". But she wouldn't say shit, she spelled it out. "he was just s h i t t i n g me. That made me laugh harder than anything else. She is a lot of fun. I am a little nervous about whether or not to tell her I am gay. She is pretty excepting, as I remember, but she is also religious. I don't know what way she will go. I'm not sure if I will tell her or not. The last time we spoke I was still married. I'll let you know how it goes.

Yesterday mom and I went to the first diabetes class. I was so tired, I just wanted to go home. Of course my mom can never be late for anything, so we got there 15 minutes early. She lives less than 5 minutes away, but we had to leave at 20 minutes early so we could make it. Aggravating, but in an amusing way. It's one of things I will miss about her later.

I never know how to close a blog entry. What is the correct etiquette? How about a picture?





bye...

Tuesday

Clever titles huh? So I didn't post last night like I said I would. Oops. Here is what's happening today. We had a meeting here at the new place, Bill came in for it as well. I miss him, and I think he misses me too. He was telling me that him and Brenda (his wife) don't want me going to the gay bars anymore. They don't want me to get bashed. I told him that I am always aware of that, but I'm not going to let fear stop me from doing what I want.

The reason I started this post is the meeting. I have been feeling really good lately, this morning I was thinking that maybe it isn't so out of the norm anymore for me to feel happy. It looks like it is the depression that is out of the norm now. Of course, I am feeling a little down right now, hence the whining your about to read. The purpose of the meeting today was to talk about the future of this business. All departments had were represented, except mine. There seems to be a positive growth phase for the upcoming year. It looks good for everyone, except me. They were all jazzed up at the end of the meeting, looking forward to the challenges ahead. But all I could think about is that I'm not going to be included in any of it. Not only am I depressed about that, but sitting there with these people, I felt outclassed. My inferiority complex came back today. WTF?

I got holy praise because I arranged the meal for everyone and delivered it to the table. Any idiot can do that. Any idiot can build these things that I build. I'm nothing special here, and I don't like it. I don't like being the low man on the totem pole. I want to be in the hierarchy. I want to be management, but I don't feel like I'm up to the level that management is. Maybe after school??? I hope so.

Still no job prospects. Ehh... I'm going to stop now, cause I'm just complaining. Hopefully it will get better later. My favorite story just posted a new chapter, I can look forward to reading that tonight. And Boston Legal is on. I love William Shatner. He is hilarious. See, I'm feeling better already...

Monday...

Well hello there. Hope your day is going well, mine is so far. It's lunch time, and I just finished a sub sandwich, very good. I didn't buy a coke today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a bottle of water with my lunch. Big step for me. Let's see what tomorrow brings, can I stay off the coke for 2 days in a row?

Superbowl... the Seahawks were robbed. Stupid refs. I'm not too terribly upset over it though. It was a different feeling watching this game as compared to the ones in the past. I cared about one of the teams playing, that's a new feeling. Everything good was great, and everything bad was awful. But it's ok, we made it there, and there's always next year.

Still no news on the job front. :( Don't you hate it when you forget what you wanted to say. I just remembered why I got on here in the first place. I found diet / weight / calorie tracking site that I joined. I really like it. You put in your food for the day and it calculates all the info for you. I will post today's info when I get home. I'm sure there are lots of sites like this one, but I found this one and I like it. The good thing about it is there is a list of food to choose from, over 10,000 items. If it's not on the list, you can add it easily. And, you can put item into your favorite file. This is great since I eat the same things a lot, like breakfast. It will make updating the page quicker. I think you are supposed to use it as a meal planner, but I am using it more as a tracker. I will use it the other way as I get to it.

This is a strange feeling for me. I am taking the whole diet thing serious this time. It's different form all the times before when I would start and then stop after a couple of days. Even if I have a bad food day, I am coming right back to the plan. I am paying close attention to what I am eating. How weird for me.

I didn't go to the gym this morning. I don't know why. I woke up at the right time. I wasn't too tired, I felt awake. But I reset the alarm for later and went back to sleep. I think that tonight before I go to bed, I am going to get everything ready and in the bag so all I have to do is get up and get dressed and leave. Holly suggested that, and I haven't tried it yet. I'm doing good on all the other stuff, I want this gym to work too.

In Exile... Part Deux

Fucking Verizon. I hate them. Those fuckers! It is now Thursday and I still don't have my internet back. They have been giving me the run around all week. Tomorrow it should be back on. I haven't even had access to a computer until yesterday, and then I didn't have the time write anything. So today I brought in my weekend post on my thunmb drive and posted it (without corrections... sorry) and I will update the rest of the week.

What a bad week to not be able to express myself. It has been very eventful. On Monday and Tuesday I worked up at Bill's house to get the shop up and running. It still needs about a days worth of time before it is functional. Unfortunately, I had to come to the other work on Wednesday.

Even at 5:00 on Tuesday night I told Bill that it didn't feel real to me that it was over. That I wouldn't be coming in to work with him anymore. It is a little upsetting. I have been there for 6 1/2 years. It's very comfortable and he is a great boss. I will miss it, and him. Bill and Brenda took me out to dinner on Tuesday night. We went to Mingo Cafe in Beaverton. I have not been there before. It is an Italian place, kinda hoity toity, well for me at least. The names of the meals on the menu were in Italian, I can't read that. At least the description was in English. Plus there were no prices on the menu. Bill asked what the people next to us ordered, it was the special, so I ordered that too. We had a nice conversation, but we never really said our goodbyes. I wanted to on the way home, but he can't hear in the car, and it would have felt strange talking from the back seat to the front. I have talked to him 3 times since then, I'm sure we will continue our friendship. I really value him. It's going to be very different from now on. Oh yeah, Wednesday morning at the other place, leaving Bill started to feel real, and not so good.

Wednesday wasn't a good day for me. I was down. I think part of the problem is that I lost my job through no fault of my own. I had nothing to do with the decision to change jobs, it is something that happened to me. I don't like that. I still don't have a line on another job. A couple of them said it would be a couple of weeks before they start the process. I will continue to look while I wait.

NOW...

The big news... I went back to Silverado last night with Jason. And we actually stayed for 2 hours! It was much better having someone there with me. I wasn't really uncomfortable at all. Well, that's not entirely true. There were a couple of times when someone made extended eye contact and I panicked and look away, probably with fear in my eyes. But other than that, it was a good time. Jason wanted me to dance. Me. Dance. No fucking way. I told him to go ahead, but he wanted me to go with him. I told him next time, I'm still in the baby step mode. He doesn't really understand how messed up I am about these kinds of things. I think he wanted me to go talk to people, but that is still just too weird/hard for me. I'm sure that once I got started, I would be ok, but getting started is the hurdle I can't overcome yet.

He wants to go back next week, probably on a Friday, when it is really crowded. I am ready to go back with him. He is pretty cool about the whole gay thing. He sat there with me and didn't seem uncomfortable at all. I can't imagine anyone else I know going with me and being that cool about it. Well, no guys, some of the women I know would be ok with it.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot the best part. At 10:00 they have dancers on the stage. Oh my, the first one was yummy. And the waiter, oh my, all he had on was a little tiny pair of gym shorts, very tight. He was gorgeous. I couldn't help but stare. I don't think they mind. They have to know people are going to look if they dress like that, and look like that.

There were quite a few attractive people. No porn this time, but slide shows of various men, naked, so I guess it was porn. But not anything graphic. Oh well, I have porn at home anyway.

All in all, it was a good time. I'm glad we did it and I'm ready to go again. Jason wants to get a group of people to go, then I won't be as uptight, he thinks. I'm fine with that too. But I need to find an easier way to meet people. There is too much pressure in a bar situation. Or maybe that's just me. :)

Then, today I'm reading the news on CNN.com, and there was an attack in a gay bar last night. In Boston. A guy went in and attacked 3 guys with a hatchet and then with a gun. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with people? I thought hearing something like this would give me second thoughts about going to a gay bar, but it just pisses me off, and makes me want to go more. Fuck those bigots. I spent enough of my life worrying about what others think. ... Pretty strong words from me, now if I just could back them up.

I should be back online at home tonight or tomorrow at the latest. Survivor is back tonight. Got to watch that.

bye...

In Exile

This is going to be a little off. I didn't pay my bill and my internet/phone was shut off. Shame on me. I had the money, I jsut didn't pay it. I went this morning and paid them, the phne is back, but the internet isn't. I wanted to post something, but without access, hat to do? Then it came to me. I'll write it now, and cut and paste it later. Same difference, just a day late.

Yesterday, Friday, we moved out of the office up to Bill's shop. It was a busy day. Lots to do. We finished up about 6:30, and we haven't unpacked or set anything up yet. We have Monday and Tuesday for that.

I told Stephen (other boss) that I wasn't going to work this weekend, unless there was something that just had to be done. 2 whole days off... in a row. Holy cow. So today I got up and went to pay the previously mentioned bill. Then I went to office depot to buy a desk chair carpet cover thingy. Bill is giving me my office chair for my home. Very nice of him. I had good intentions for today to get a lot of things accomplished. I did pretty good. I didn't get everything done, but I did a lot.

I finished putting the chairs together for my new table. I cleaned the litter box and did 2 loads of laundry. Emptied all the garbage and recycling, it sure does pile up fast when there are take out containers on the counters. I vaccumed the dining room and moved the computer desk out there, next to the kitchen, as Holly suggested. I can see the kitchen and the TV from here.

Brenda laso gave me the shredder from the office. They have another one at home. I have a lot of old bills and unopened envelopes and papers to play with the shredder for a while. But a funny thing has happened, well not funny ha ha, but funny weird. Kinda. As I am sitting here going through all these old papers, it has started to depress me. For multiple reasons. Some of these were dated all the way back to 2000. I haven't made any progress in all this time. Lots of unopened bill and collection notices. And just today, I had the phone shut off. Fuck... what is wrong with me. All I can think of is that I am just lazy. i started this process out thinking that I am going to get on top of things, and stay on top of them. I am very discouraged now though. I'm not giving up, but discouraged.

The other problem is i found pictures from back then, when we were a happy family. Well, they were happy and I was lying to keep up appearances. It was Sam's eight birthday party. They were beating a piniata. They are so adorable. God I miss them. I miss what we had. Sometimes I wish it would go back to the way it was. I wish I could have found a way to get over being gay. Or take a pill and make it go away. I want my family back. Only, I want Tonya back then, when she was fun. Of course I have to take some responsibility for her changing. Having your husband come out of the closet is bound to fuck you up. We had a good life, except for my secret. The kids were happy. We bought a house. We made decent money. Things were good. Except for my secret.

When I think back though, I know i would have never made it this far by keeping the secret. It was making me crazy. Am I better now that's out? I think so, at least a little. But I miss my kids. They are going to grow up without me. We talk on the phone, but it isn't the same. I want to hug them. It hurts so much some times I don't know how I stand it.

Fuck, now I'm down. I don't know if it's better to deny that anything is wrong and not think about it. I am good at that. Or to think about it and let the horrible feelings come .

Fucking shredder...

On a good note, I talked to Jason and he is going to go out with me. I will call him Monday night and set up a time. That is a good thing. Let's try to stay positive here.

I'm going to watch The Wedding Cashers. maybe that will cheer me up.

Here's hoping the internet is back up tomorro