It's finally happening!!!!

They'll be here within the hour!! The boys are coming back!! WOO HOO!! I am very excited. I am going to squeeze them so hard, but Sam squeezes me back harder now. They are all mine for 2 month!! I don't have to work tomorrow, we can spend the day together playing around and goofing off. it's been a long year, with short visits here and there, but now, I get 2 months. Fuck yeah!

I also went out again with Toddy tonight. Funny how it ended up being Towel Tuesday again. Who knew? :) I met more new people today. Holly was right, there is a friendly community out there waiting to let you in. I was so afraid it would be full of pretty people saying that I don't belong. But it hasn't been anything like that at all. Not that the people aren't pretty, there was a cowboy singing kareoke tonight who was very hot. But his attitude wasn't all that great, so he went down hill in my book. I saw Pony again, I like him. He comes across as a fun guy. I met Danny and Sean ( I think) and Micheal and Stephen. All seemed very nice.

I think I talked more this time than last time. I know I was still awful quiet. Toddy and I had some dinner and we ended up sitting with some other people. They were very nice and funny, but they were new, so I clammed up. I really hat ehta tI do that. I want to be open and I want to sing with the rest of them, I just am not at that point yet. And, I have decided for today, I'm not going to beat myself up for being quiet. If I sit back and think rationally on this whole going out thing that is happening to me, just the fact that i actually leaving the house to meet people, knowing there will be strangers there is a huge accomplishment. I think tonight I will revel in that. I am finally stepping out of my comfort zone, and it isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. It isn't terrible at all. I wasn't even nervous about going in the bar tonight. Not even a little. Wow, is this really me?

I will probably back off going out a lot with the boys here. but there will be sleepovers at grandmas house and cousins houses. When that happens, I will plan to go out.

THEY"RE HERE!!!!!!

yummy

I don't have much to say, I should be in bed, I have to work tomorrow. But... I'm not tired. I have a rotating screen saver on my mac, and I have a whole bunch of "adult" pictures that are in a slide show. This is one of my favorites. It's not even nude. but man, it is hot.

Hot Toddy

I've had some time to reflect on the last few days. Everything happened so fast. I finally sent the email to Hot Toddy that I had been trying to send for a week or two. And he responded right away. I was so surprised to see an email from him. I guess I thought he would blow me off. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm not gifted enough to express how I feel about Toddy. He is truly an amazing soul. So positive, such a good outlook on life. And the fact that he would reach out to a perfect stranger and offer friendship... I am humbled by this. He had a kind word to say about everyone, and didn't like it when anyone offered a negative comment about anyone. His smile was contagious and I felt very much at ease with him and his friends. It was amazing. I never feel comfortable around people. I blame Toddy.

This is the part where my not being gifted comes into play. I don't want to deify him, but a simple "thanks" doesn't feel like enough for what he did. I am so grateful for the chance to meet Toddy. I'm glad I had the courage to finally reach out to someone, and I am so happy that I picked Hot Toddy. I wasn't expecting the response I received.

Thank you Hot Toddy...

Karaoke Theme Night?

Damn that Hot Toddy. I can't get The Little Mermaid song out of my head. There's something about Disney songs, they just stick with you. If you have kids and you've seen every Disney cartoon at least a million times, you know the songs. Where the People Are is my favorite one. I also find myself singing R.E.S.C.U.E. (Rescue Aid Society) from the Rescuers, I Wanna Be A Man Too, King Louie from The Jungle Book.This just happens out of the blue. I will be working or driving or doing something that requires concentration, and bam, all the sudden I notice myself singing. Where does it come from?

When my kids were little, we had a Disney tape called hero songs. It was full of all the popular songs form the more recent movies. That was pretty much all I played in the car, and would sing at the top of my lungs all the way to work and all the way back. Good Times...

Maybe it's a Walt Disney mind fuck. Maybe there are subliminal codes deep inside the songs and after enough kids (and gay guys) hear them, say in 30 years or so, there will be a revolution. Maybe that's when they will unthaw his head. Go with me here, it's just the beginning of a theory, given time I'm sure I can work it out.

Oh yeah, I forgot why I logged on to post in the first place. Karaoke Theme Night. I'm still very new to this whole "having a life" thing. Do they ever do theme nights at karaoke? I'm thinking of a Disney song theme night. That would be great. It would probably have to be at a gay bar though. I may even have the balls to get up and sing, well, maybe if I drink enough. I would sure be singing on the inside though...

CC Recap (conflicting feelings)

DISCLAIMER: I have a new thing, after I write something I feel the need to put a disclaimer at the top before anyone can read what I wrote. Maybe it's just a phase. Anyway, today's disclaimer is: I am going for honesty here. These are my honest feelings, good bad or indifferent. I always said after I came out that there would be no more lies. That was easy when I didn't have anyone to talk too. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't think I wrote anything hurtful in here today, other than about myself. Nothing new there. :)

Its 11:55, I just got home from the bar. I wanted to write down my feeling now instead of after I sleep. I might forget something. First of all, Todd was great, he was so nice, gave me hug when we met. Very tall. He looks younger than he is. I was guessing that him and his friends are in their late 20s. Then at the end of the night when he was singing his last kareoke song, he said he was born in the 60's. That means he's at least my age. Holy cow, I would have never guessed that. I forgot to ask him how old he was. I wonder if it's like asking a woman about age with gay guys. Is it rude? I hate my age. 36 is fine, but I just wish I was further along in my developement.

I really like the bar. It has a good vibe to it. It doesn't feel all dark and shady, liek there is something to be ashamed about. At Silverado, to me, it comes across as a little depressing. It's too dark and dreary for me. This place was just fun. I was going to say maybe it was the company. I'm sure that had something to do with it, but when I stopped by on Sunday by myself, I got the same feeling. It makes a person feel comfortable. Well as comfortable as I can ever be.

Here are some of my conflicting feelings. I had a good time, I didn't feel too uncomfortable. Todd spoke with me and introduced me to lots of people. I was fine meeting them everyone seemed so nice. Andrew is so fucking hot. It was towel night, and that's all he was wearing. OMG he is so yummy. And he was really nice to me also, everyone was. I was quiet though. That’s just the way I am. I hate it. I did join into the conversation infrequently and I did ask Todd questions. But overall, I was pretty quiet. I hate being like that. I hope after a little time I will be more open and trusting. I had no reason not to trust these guys; Todd made me feel very comfortable.

Another thing that bothered me is that these people are college educated. It's not that they were, it's more that I'm not. Fuck, I hate that I don't have that experience in my life. I know, I can go now and I will probably get more out of it, but I don't have that learning to be on your own collective experience that people who went to college do. It’s not so much about the education, but the socialization.

I am envious of Andrew, he is only 23 and out and having a great time. Fuck I wish I could go back sometimes. I will go back tomorrow night for the Dixie Chicks release party. It kills me to see all these happy people at a gay bar. What the fuck have I been waiting for? I feel like these people are out of my league. Professionally and where they are in life. I know it just my own insecurities, but it is how I felt. I know I am worthy of being with them, I am a good person. Insert Stuart Smally voiceover.

God it was nice to meet people on my own, without someone else doing it for me. I want to be happy and I want to be sad at the same time. It was a great night, but I still feel like an outsider. Todd did a wonderful job of including me, it's just my own fucked up insecurities. I will get over them, I hope soon.

oh holy fucking jesus christ...

on a cross...

I did it. I went and reached out to someone. Someone who is actually within driving distance. I am going to meet him at CC SLaughters tonight. At 7:30. OMG... I need to calm down. My stomach is all kinds of fucked up right now. Why am I so nervous? He seems like a really nice guy. I have been reading his blog for a while and he isn't an axe murderer. I don't think :) Talk about being out of your comfort zone. I was going to meet him tomorrow night, but he offered to meet today also, so I took him up on it. You know that feeling when you've done soemthing wrong, maybe it's guilt. It sits in your stomach and just kinda boils. That what I am feeling right now. Not becasue I did anything wrong, I know I didn't and the thought never crossed my mind when thinking about this, it's just the closest way to describe how I am feeling. Oh yeah, besides all the nervousness, I am excited too. I am going to meet someone in person who could be a firend. There is potential there. Someone to go out with... to the movies... to eat... to play. Oh my... I'm nervous again. I forgot about it for a minute there.

One more funny thing. I'm having dinner tonight with my mom and I called to tell her I was going to eat and run, I had plans for tonight. She asked if I had a hot date (a joke because apparently everyone knows I've been a hermit) I told her I was meeting someone but it wasn't a date. That gave her pause. I told her I was going to meet someone as a friend. Then she told me to make sure and check his card to make sure he doesn't have the AIDS. (don't be offended)Hillarious. I love my mom. She makes me laugh. What a way to show her concern. What are these AIDS cards? Should I get one too? Is it like a credit card, or library card?

Ha, I'm nervous again. I forgot again. It keeps coming back. I know I will be fine. It's just the unknown that is so scary. What if I clam up and can't think of anything to say? What if ask something inapropriate? Like for his AIDS card? :) It's going to be OK... I'm going to get all Zen about this. There is nothing to worry about... it will be a fun night af getting to know someone new. There that's better. Oh fuck, it's time to go. I'm nervous again...

On a happy note...

Hooray!!!!! I'm not going to post about something deporessing for a change! Well, maybe a little, but then it will get better. Stay with me and you'll see.

The weather here has been pretty nice. Not too hot, but very warm. Beautiflu sunny skies. Great spring time weather. And it has been depressing me more than cheering me up. All becasue I have no one to play with. (stay with me here) So on Saturday, I had to work at the bad place, and after that I went tog et something to eat and the thought of just going back to my apartment brought me way down. So I got a couple of movies and a sandwich at Subway (yum) and went home. Not to give you too much of a visual, but I am one of those people who as soon as they walk through the door, off come the pants. And the shirt. Not a pretty sight, but since no one is there to see it, oh well. So, i went home from Subway with my movies and layed on the bed in front of the fan. That was at 3:00. I woke up at 8:15 that night. I slept way too long, so of course I couldn't go to sleep last night until late. And the bad, bad, bad part is that yesterday was Matt's birthday, and since I din't get up until 8:00, it was 10:00 in Kentucky and too late to call. They had plans earlier, so I had to wait until the evening, and then I slept through my window. All in all, a crappy day.

I woke up this morning in a fairly good mood, but again, I had nothing to do or anyone to do it with. So I went for lunch at my favorite place, Annie's It's a Fiftys style burger place that has great food, and chocoalte malts. So after that, my thought was to go back home and finish watching the movies I got. But that seemed pathetic, even too much for me. I have been wanting to check out another bar in Portland called CC Claughters. I read another blog, Hot Toddys Toaster Oven (great name) and he talks about how great CC Slaughters is. I have tried to go several times in the past couple of weeks. But I chickened out. The closest I got was driving to it, but I couldn't find it. So today my thought was to go and find it and maybe if I had the balls, go and have a drink. It shouldn't be crowded on a Sunday afternoon. I found it, and drove around forever looking for a place to park. While I was looking, I drove by the waterfront. I always wanted to wlk down by the river, but I never had. So I finally found a spot and walked down around the water. I crossed the bridge and wlake all the way to the end of the other side. Then I came back across the river and went to look for CC Slaughters.

I found it and started to walk by the door. I wasn't going to go inside. I knew where it was, that was enough for one day. But as I passed the door, almost involuntarily, I turned and went inside. Then I froze. The place was pretty full for 4:00 in the afternoon. I stood just inside the door for a couple of minutes trying to decide whether to run or not. I finally went and ordered a drink, right in line behind a drag queen. Oh my. There were a few in there. I took my drink and walked around the bar to where the tables were and they were having a bingo game. Everyone looked like they were having fun. A big black drag queen was calling the numbers and she was very funny. And attractive. I don't know what to think about that. Was I attracted to the man inside the costume or the woman? It has to be the man, I don't find women attractive... in that way.

Anyway... I tried to sink into the wall and drink my drink and watch what was going on. I stayed for a few minuted, then I left, wuite happy with myself. I really liked this place. Much better than the other one I went to. I can't wait to go back. I just need someone to go with me. Maybe Jason will be available again. I'll ask.

Tonight is the finale of Desperate Houswives. Very exciting. Tomorrow is 24. WooHoo.

pity party, table for one...

I was going to appologize for yesterdays post. What with it being so morbid and all. Then I thought about it and I don't want to appologize. It was where I was yesterday. I'm better today. I don't know why. I just am. Of course, now it is 5:00 and time to go home, and I have caught up on all the taped shows I had left to watch. (Greys Anatomy was awseome.) Now what am I going to do tonight? I have 3 hours before Will & Grace, I don't want to just sit there flipping through my 5 tv stations. I thought about going to CC Slaughters, but getting into Portland this time of night is insane. You know, at least when I had the internet at home, I could always waste the time with little remorse. There was remorse, but I can usually bury it. Hopefully I will figure something out.

bye bye... ( just for clarification, my bye bye is in the voice of John McLaughlin, at least in my head)

Funk

I seem to have crashed again today. I'm in a pretty good funk. (funk is a great word) I hate feeling this way. It's almost like a self fulfilling (sp) prophecy. I know to get out of my mood, I need to get out and start a life. But at the same time, the fact that I have no life, therefore nothing to share with new people, keeps me trapped inside myself. Alone. The fact that I am not strong enough to get myself out of this puts me even further down into depression.

This new job is working out fine, except... I am way over qualified for what I am doing. I am back to just being a technician. It is nice right now to not have to make any decisions, or answer any questions. But it is going to get old real quick, not to mention the pay cut I took to come here. It's about $600 a month less than I was making. That is huge, when you don't make very much to start. I think I made a mistake coming here, and I should look again for something new.

Another thing, I realised today that I will be 37 soon. 37 37 That is too goddamn old to be starting over. I have nothing. I have a car and a tiny little apartment that I can barley afford. Of course I know that my family loves me. But is that enough. Sometimes I wonder. I know that relatively speaking 37 is not too old, but I feel like I should be way farther along in life than I am. I should have a house. I should have a friend at least. You know what I look forward to? TV. My favorite shows. How fucking pathetic is that. I think about giving up sometimes. Just accepting the fact that I will never be normal and happy. I will never have a friend or a relationship. I think about getting high again and staying high until I die. At least when I was high I didn't have to think about how much I suck, or care. I so still have the suicidal thoughts, not that I would ever do it. But I think about it. How much better it would be. I know it the easy way out, but it sure seems better than living the way I am. And at 36, it doesn't look like I will change. So right now, it looks like my choices are death or pot. Door number three is always there, but I'm too much of a pussy open it and find happiness. (don't worry, I'm not going to die or go back to drugs, I'm just being a baby today)

My kids are coming in 2 weeks for the summer. I am happy about that. I don't think I will have enough money to do anything fun and exciting though. I also realised recently that this is not their home anymore. Over the last year when I talked with them it always had something to do with coming home, and Kentucky was not home. It has changed all the sudden. They have a new home, and I am not part of it. I will be the weekend father, only worse, because I only see them a few times a year. I am making my mood worse as I type this.

fuck...

So Close, but Banished Again

My little unemployment "bump" is still wreaking (sp) havoc on me. They cut off my internet on Tuesday. I tried to get them to wait until Friday, when I get paid and can pay the whole bill, but they wouldn't do it. Fuckers! I will get it turned back on next week, but last time it took 5 days before they turned it back on. So... I will do all my internet stuff at work. Well... not all the stuff...

Not a whole lot is going on this week. Not that there ever is. I really have to work at the other place on Saturday. They didn't ask why I didn't show up last week, and I didn't tell them. I talked with Andrew a couple of weeks ago about the job not working for me. His answer was that him and Stephen will communicate better with me. I have had 2 emails from them in 2 weeks. Stephens was one word and Andrews was 2 words. So much for better communication. But, I have to do the right thing. It would be wrong to just leave them hanging. I'm not that kind of guy. Sometimes I wish I was. I wish I could just say fuck it to what other people think or care about. But not me, I'm a giver.

I have an uncle who quit school after the 3rd grade. He is married to my aunt. I call him uncle asshole. He has always been very opinionated and always ready to criticize, but he can't take any criticism back. He also has the shortest fuse of anyone I've ever met. And one of my brothers is right there next to him. He was always doing or saying something cruel or mean and you didn't dare talk back or he kick your ass. Plus, my aunt is the nicests, sweetest person ever. It is horrible that she is put in the middle of her husband and the world. So, everyone pretty much just took his shit all the time so as not to upset my aunt. And harmony. (I had a point...) I remember as a teenager when he would do or say something, I wouldn't talk back or respond the way I wanted to. Even though I was right, my mom told me to "be the bigger man. He doesn't know any better." God I hate that. SO, that is how I live. I don't call people on their stupidity or argue with people. Well, I don't argue for another reason. I'll get into it in another post. (Thanks Dad)

I am done now. bye bye...

lazy Sunday

Don't you just love lazy Sundays? (as opposed to all the other days when I am lazy :) ) I told my bosses at my other job that I would be in to work today, but I didn't and still don't feel like going. I will tell them there was some family emergency that I had to take car of and offer to work Tuesday night. I am going to have to tell them i don't want to work there anymore. I've tried being subtle, but it's not working. I'm goiing to have to say the words I quit.

I spent yesterday helping my brother install the new kitchen and bathroom cabinets he built into an apartment. We have done this before and wil hopefully again. It is a fun way to spend the day. We have to take out all the old cupboards, sometimes they come out easy, sometimes not. Yesterday my othe brother was there too and my nephew Phil, who is 11, and Phil got to do all the demolishing. We brought out all the cabinets to the parking lot, and gave him a hammer and let him go. What 11 year old boy wouldnt love that kind of destruction.

Then we put in the new cupboards that my brother built and hooked everything back up. All in all, a good day. i am really tired today though. I think I got enough sleep, maybe it was just doing something physical yesterday that made me tired today. Plus, I just ate dinner and i'm not tired anymore. AT ALL! I have a sudden burst of energy. Not enought o get up and do anything. Let's not get crazy here.

I was going to go to CC Slaughters today, but I don't feel like it. I'm not too scared like before, just not in the mood for a bar.

I saw MI:3 on Friday. I liked it. There was a great death scene in it (at least to me it was great). The DaVinci Code is coming soon. I am ready to see that too. I think I'm done for today....

Here are some pics of what I want. I want to be in someones arms. I will get it someday...

It's alive....

I am still here. You know, I have a few blogs that I read all the time and it pisses me off when I go to them and they haven't been updated. For a while. I guess it hasn't really sunk in that people may be reading my blog and thinking the same thing. Not that I have a bazzillion readers, but I know of 2. 2!

So here is the story. It's not particularly interesting, but then neither is my life so what the hell. I just haven't felt like posting lately. I haven't been down, really. Just a little bit. Maybe tired too. My finances are biting me in the ass. Being out of work for 2 months sucks. Oh yeah, they are going to shut off my internet before my next payday, when I can pay the bill in full. bastards, they have no empathy. But back to me, I guess there have been a few things to mention.

I still have the other job, 4 hours a week. I don't want to do it anymore. At all. Not just cut back, how much more could you cut back 4 hours a week? It just seems like such an inconvenience to have to go in there on the weekends. I have been working weekends since last August, plus a regular job. I did it at first because I wanted to transition there when my regular job ended. But they don't have enough work for me to do, and I'm not "professional" enough to do what they do need. I built the first 65 units and shipped them to the customers and now they just want to keep me in the loop until a new order comes in, then i can work like crazy again while still keeping my regular job and working nights and weekends for them. I want out. I'm not interested anymore. I was there in the beginning, before they even decided to form a new company. I was instrumental in the development and manufacturing of this product. I was invested in it. But now, since they don't want me full time, i have lost my passion for this product/business. They are good people, i wish them well, but I don't want to spend my free time working for them anymore.

I told the boss last Sunday that the job wasn't working for me. So he wanted to go over how they could make it better for me and work out the problems. I was such a pussy about it, I didn't want to sound all bitter "well since you wont hire me, I quit" which is kid of what it boils down to. So I didn't really give him a reason why. He suggested things and I agreed. What a puss. Maybe i should backtrack a minute and say that this discussion started because I sent them an email saying that when my kids are here for the summer, may 30 - July 31, I will not be available. Then i said we can discuss what to do after they leave later in the summer. Again being a pussy, putting off the quitting until later. I should probably just bite the bullet and have a frank conversation with them. It's just that conflict really fucks me up. Thanks dad.

My new job is going well. I think they are happy with me. I like them, even the republican, as long as we don't talk politics. I haven't told them i am gay, I don't think it's any of their business. If it comes up, I won't lie about it. But I see no reason to bring it up now. I told my last boss (after 4 years) because we had friendship as well as a working relationship. It felt like I was lieing to a friend by keeping it a secret. It feels better now. I had dinner with them last weekend. It was very nice. I had 2 gin and tonics. Aren't;t those old people drinks? I don't want to order an old person drink at a gay bar. It's bad enough being 36, i don't need to seem any older.

I cleaned my house on Sunday. Even vacuumed the floor. It is so nice to sit in a clean house, or open the door and not see crap all over the place. Sometimes I can be a real slob, enough to even bother myself.

I guess this is enough for now. I will try to keep my updates more regular. Here are a couple of pictures I found that made me laugh. Conan is a gif, i hope it works.