CC Recap (conflicting feelings)

DISCLAIMER: I have a new thing, after I write something I feel the need to put a disclaimer at the top before anyone can read what I wrote. Maybe it's just a phase. Anyway, today's disclaimer is: I am going for honesty here. These are my honest feelings, good bad or indifferent. I always said after I came out that there would be no more lies. That was easy when I didn't have anyone to talk too. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't think I wrote anything hurtful in here today, other than about myself. Nothing new there. :)

Its 11:55, I just got home from the bar. I wanted to write down my feeling now instead of after I sleep. I might forget something. First of all, Todd was great, he was so nice, gave me hug when we met. Very tall. He looks younger than he is. I was guessing that him and his friends are in their late 20s. Then at the end of the night when he was singing his last kareoke song, he said he was born in the 60's. That means he's at least my age. Holy cow, I would have never guessed that. I forgot to ask him how old he was. I wonder if it's like asking a woman about age with gay guys. Is it rude? I hate my age. 36 is fine, but I just wish I was further along in my developement.

I really like the bar. It has a good vibe to it. It doesn't feel all dark and shady, liek there is something to be ashamed about. At Silverado, to me, it comes across as a little depressing. It's too dark and dreary for me. This place was just fun. I was going to say maybe it was the company. I'm sure that had something to do with it, but when I stopped by on Sunday by myself, I got the same feeling. It makes a person feel comfortable. Well as comfortable as I can ever be.

Here are some of my conflicting feelings. I had a good time, I didn't feel too uncomfortable. Todd spoke with me and introduced me to lots of people. I was fine meeting them everyone seemed so nice. Andrew is so fucking hot. It was towel night, and that's all he was wearing. OMG he is so yummy. And he was really nice to me also, everyone was. I was quiet though. That’s just the way I am. I hate it. I did join into the conversation infrequently and I did ask Todd questions. But overall, I was pretty quiet. I hate being like that. I hope after a little time I will be more open and trusting. I had no reason not to trust these guys; Todd made me feel very comfortable.

Another thing that bothered me is that these people are college educated. It's not that they were, it's more that I'm not. Fuck, I hate that I don't have that experience in my life. I know, I can go now and I will probably get more out of it, but I don't have that learning to be on your own collective experience that people who went to college do. It’s not so much about the education, but the socialization.

I am envious of Andrew, he is only 23 and out and having a great time. Fuck I wish I could go back sometimes. I will go back tomorrow night for the Dixie Chicks release party. It kills me to see all these happy people at a gay bar. What the fuck have I been waiting for? I feel like these people are out of my league. Professionally and where they are in life. I know it just my own insecurities, but it is how I felt. I know I am worthy of being with them, I am a good person. Insert Stuart Smally voiceover.

God it was nice to meet people on my own, without someone else doing it for me. I want to be happy and I want to be sad at the same time. It was a great night, but I still feel like an outsider. Todd did a wonderful job of including me, it's just my own fucked up insecurities. I will get over them, I hope soon.