so tired

I have been really tired this week. Maybe it has to do with eating real food. After dinner, when I'm sitting and talking with my mom, I start to get tired. I am really tired. I didn't even watch Lost last night, I taped it and went to bed at 9:00. I haven't been to bed that early in years. I'm going to sleep early again tonight, at 10:00, after that new show Crumbs. I'm not sure if I like it or not yet, but it has a gay character on it so I like to see how they portray that.

It is bothering me that I don't have a life. Sitting here in front of the mac is not very fulfilling. I'm bored and lonely. I left word for Jason (my niece's husband) to call me. He will go out with me and then I won't be stuck at home. I'm thinking about joining some kind of volunteer organization. I was going to do that last year, but i got too busy with school and a second job. Right now I have plenty of spare time on my hands, maybe if I am helping someone else, it will help me too. After all, it's all about me.

This job thing is starting to bother me. Not a lot, but there is a little nagging going on in the back of my mind. I will be able to collect unemployment, but it won't be half as much as I make now. The big question is do i wait a couple of months for the right job, or panic and take the first thing that I can find. That is what I would do in the past. Am I adventurous enough to go without work for a while? I don't know. Now would be the time to do it. Without the boys here, just myself to look after. I think I could cut back enough to scrape by.

I occurs to me that I haven't yet mentioned my mood today. It is good, thank you. Maybe I'm getting used to being in a good mood now, and it doesn't occur to me to write it down as the first part of my entry. I will say that as i sat here at the computer tonight, my mood decreased a little because I am lonely and want to have a life. But it didn't go all the way to depression. Just a little down, and then it went back to normal. I didn't even notice the change. How weird. I'm used to being able to know when my mood changes.

I have a great cat, Gary. He is sleeping on the bed next to me. All stretched out. He's big. And orange. I have a thing for orange tabby cats. I always have.

Crumbs is on... gotta go...

oh balls...

I forgot to mention, I didn't go to the gym again today. I went to bed early, by 9:30, and I slept very well. I just didn't want to go this morning. I will have to think about why. Laziness? Maybe. My cognative abilities are not what they should be at 6:00 in the morning, and I am not succesful when arguing with the part that says just go back to sleep. That part seems to make a lot of sense, compared to the part that wants me to go out in the cold and drive to the gym and exercise. Fuck that. My bed is very comfy.

I have to do better on this. Holly will be dissapointed. :(

insert Howard Dean scream here

I'm not sure how to get what's in my head on the screen. I think the header will suffice. Well, it's another day, and I'm still in a pretty good mood. I haven't been euphoric lately, just in a reasonably good mood. I think the teetering point first thing in the morning is going away also. It is almost unrecognizable anymore. It's there, but I don't even think about it anymore.

I have been doing well with breakfast and dinners. Dinners thanks to mom. It is very nice to show up from work and have the table set and dinner ready to eat. Ah.. the good old days when women knew their place. Now if I could get her to have my slippers ready too. Nah, just kidding. I am very appreciative for what she is doing for me. I tell her every night. It is also helpful for her, by cooking for me she s cooking for herself also, and we are both eating much better than before. I will do something nice for her in return.

I made it to the gay bar the other night. It seems like it is something that has been checked off my (mythical) list. It's done, now I can forget about it. I don't have to do it again. That seems to be the way my mind is treating it. I conquered it, and now am done with it. That's not right, this was the first step. I need to make more first steps, and then actually follow them up with a second step. I am going to email my sister in law and see if she can get a hold of my niece's husband for me and have him give me a call. He was serious about going with me, so I am going to ask him out. :)

I haven't heard form any of the people I sent resumes to. Why aren't they beating down my door to hire me? Goddamnit, do I have to do everything???

I resisted my morning demons today

I guess that's not entirely true. I woke up semi-late, just enough time to get ready and go, but I surfed too long on the internet. I am supposed to be at work at 8:00. I just finished putting on my shoes at 8:00, and since I was now late, I decided to stop and get a coke and dainsh for breakfast. But I thought on it and Holly's words came back to haunt me." When are you going to motivate yourself?" Well fuck... so I had a bowl of cereal instead. Not the best breakfast in the world, but certainly better than a coke and danish.

The demon that I didn't beat was the gym one. I set the alarm for 6:00 and went to bed early. I had every intention of going to the gym today. When the alarm woke me up, I felt awake enough to function, but after I went to the bathroom, I came back into the bedroom and reset the alarm and got back under the covers. And slept wonderfully for another hour. So, I'm 50-50 on my morning demons.

I signed up for the diabetes class next month. We are supposed to bring a support person, so mom is going with me. She is happy about that. I talked to my doctor about switching drugs, and he said it was up to me. I told him that since I have been having good days the past couple of weeks, maybe the drugs have finally kicked in. If I start swinging again, he said to call and he will call in a different prescription for me. I will make a decision next week after I see Holly.

going to a gay bar... part 2

I did it. Oh my god. I did it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be. I knew it wouldn't be, but irrational fear is just that, irrational. I am focusing on the positive. I was able to do it. I went in, and had a drink. I didn't talk to anyone though. I'm not too upset over that. It would have been great if it happened, but just getting in there was a HUGE accomplishment for me. It wasn't very crowded, thank god. I went in and it didn't look like there was an open spot at the bar. There were groups of people with one empty stool between groups, so I went to one of them and ordered a drink. I should have stayed right there, then I would have had a chance to talk to someone, probably. But I noticed there was part of the bar I didn't see at first and took my drink down to the end of the bar, where no one was, and surveyed the room. I needed a minute to calm down. The problem was that I isolated myself from the rest of the people, then I couldn't get up the stones to go up to anyone who was alone. I drank my drink way too fast, so I ordered another one. I drank that one too fast too. I stayed for about 15 minutes in total. So, the 2 negatives are I didn't talk to anyone, and I didn't stay that long. But fuck the negatives. I did it. Next time will be different.

It's the catch 22 thing again. I don't want to go alone, it's too intimidating. But I need someone to go with. My niece's husband offered to go with me. I am going to try and get a hold of him and take him up on the offer. If someone is with me, I will be able to stay longer and relax, I think.

I'm going to go bask in my glory now...

p.s. they play porn on the TV sets in there... hardcore... oh my

p.s. 2 - I took a souvenir to prove that I went... in case anyone suspects me of lying... :)

going to the gay bar..part 1

Holy shit! I don't want to do this. I do, but... holy shit. I wasn't nervous before. Now I am. I was looking online to see which gay bar I should go to, there are people there. I saw the pics. Good god, I can't do this. That's what I keep saying to myself. i can't do this. I can't do it. No way No how. NO!

Alright, I'm gonna do it. I swear. I'm gonna feel like such an idiot. What do I do, just walk in and go up to the bar. What if there are too many people there? What if I can't get to the bar? What if there is no place to sit at the bar? Then what? Sit at a table by myself? LOSER I could always ask to join someone at their table... yeah, right. What if no one talks to me? Do I just go up randomly to some stranger and start a conversation? I can't do that! This is a huge step for me, just making it into a bar. Actually starting conversation, that is for next time.

They better be friendly to me. Or at least neutral. Just nothing bad. A nice calm drink. I hope it's dark in there. I just know my face will be all red. It gets that way when I am embarrassed or uncomfortable. Jesus, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I really think I may have a stroke. If my blood pressure wasn't a problem before...

Wish me luck, holy fucking shit!

Am I too liberal with the exclamation points?!?

I'm just wondering. I look back at the last few post titles and there a mojority of them have excalmation points. Am I that happy? ... You know, I had a point to this, but I lost it. Don't you hate when that happens.

I had a good dinner last night. It was yummy. I had oatmeal for breakfast, with Splenda brown sugar. It has an aftertaste. I can still taste it. The regular sugar is ok. I should have lunch at home, then dinner at moms, so this should be a day when I eat right all three meals. I can do it!

You know I notice in these posts that I hardly ever mention the boys. I think about them a lot. I wish they were here, and not living there. I know I made a mistake by not fighting to keep them here. That makes me feel bad. They are not having a great time there, Sam is having problems adjusting. Matt is hard to get a read on. I think he wants to be with his mom, but he wants to be here where his cousins are. They are all really close. I guess I try to put them out of my head because missing them will put me into a depression. But not thinking about them makes me feel guilty. Ah, the catch 22. I seem to have a lot of those lately.

I have to see Holly today. She is going to want to know what I did last week to get out there. Well, nothing. Yet. My plan is to go to the bar tonight. It has to be early in the week so it won't be crowded. Sunday - Tuesday. Sunday I was busy, last night I could have went, but I was tired and... (no excuses, I should have went, but I didn't want to) Tonight is the night. I can feel it. Yesterday I felt good too about going, but after dinner I got sleepy and went home and curled up under a blanket.

Work is almost over. I am just about out od things to do at the office. I assume I will be here until the end of the month. I don;t want it to end. I am going to miss Bill, and working here. It has been the best job I have had. I don't think I will get another one like it. I am starting to feel quite a bit of stress over not having a job. How am I going to pay my bills? And child support? I will pay that before rent or my car payment. I won't let her hang late child support over my head. I know I would hear about it for the rest of my life, even after the kids are grown. Finding a job is hard work. (a W reference) I'm trying to stay positive. It is working so far. Earlier I was teetering on the edge of good vs bad moods, I tipped over to the good side. I don't know why that happens.

Aw crap, I forgot to call the doctor this week. She's gonna ask me about that. I will call now.

bye...

Hi!

Today is a good day, so far. :) I did not eat a good breakfast, at all. Period. SHame, shame on me. I had a coke and a danish. I didn't do it out of depression, I just procrastinated too long this morning. And I wanted it. I walked by the bananas, but I picked up the danish. You know the funny thing is, I don't enjoy drinking coke that much anymore. It seems that all I taste is the syrup. Why do I keep buying it? Why? I will probably have a burger with Bill for lunch, then we are going to his shop to wire it for the big move. Then I will go to mom's for dinner.

Boy, she is sure on me about everything I eat. I knew she would be, that's probably why I didn't tell her before. At least I am loved.

going to do some work now...

Going to the Super Bowl!

I am in a good mood tonight! Maybe it's because the Seahawks won and are going to the Super Bowl. It was a good game, they really dominated the Panthers. It was awesome.

I had some birthday cake. It was good. I also had some coke, but not a lot. I told Bill i would help him moves some furniture this morning, after 10:00. I slept until 10:30, then i checked my email and he sent one last night saying they would be at the office at 10:00. Woops. They weren't upset, they were happy that I was willing to help them. It went smoothly, then I went to Jim's to watch the game.

Yesterday started out pretty good. It stayed good until Andrew showed up. I feel very bitter towards him and Stephen for not giving me a job. I know that's not fair to them, they never promised me anything, but they could use me. They undervalued what I can bring to the table and that upsets me. Plus, I know they are playing the numbers game by having me work part time, they don't have to pay as much and no insurance. I don't want to work for them anymore, and when I find a new job I will leave them. Maybe if I tell them that upfront, they will put me o full time, but I don't want to force my way into a job that doesn't want me. Anyways, I feel hostile towards them, and I know I am not hiding it as well as I usually can. They repeatedly ask me if everything's alright, and of course i say yes, but I know they can tell. And they can probably figure out the reason too.

After I left work yesterday, things picked back up and I was in a good mood the rest of the night. Today has been good as well.

i gotta go, West Wing is starting.

Saturday AM

Goodmorning! Let's talk about my mood again. When I woke up this morning, I was in the middle again, but tipping over towards a good mood. As I continued to wake up, it did in fact go that way. Now I am in a very good mood. Even though I have to go to work today, on a Saturday.

Gary (my cat) is truly insane this morning. Attacking me anytime I walk into or out of a room. Even when i look for him, he manages to surprise me with a playful slap slap on my leg or he jumps up and slaps my ass. He's a great cat. Very fun to be around. Maybe that's why my mood is good, it's all Gary's fault.

The joys of Splenda! i remember 25 years ago when I was a kid (that is a depressing sentence) my grandmother had diabetes and I would taste her sugar free food and it was horrible. So I wasn't looking forward to sugar substitutes for me nowadays. I told my mom about how awful the oatmeal was without sugar and she sent me home a few packs of Splenda. Well... it is a wonderful thing. The oatmeal is very good now, I look forward to it. I am going to change form the mixed berries that I add to blueberries. There are red raspberries in the mixed variety and they are very bitter. I don't like them so much. Mom had another suggestion for the oatmeal, that I add some applesauce to it. I tried that this morning and it was pretty good. I will have it again.

I had a good dinner last night at my mom's. My aunt and her husband were there for dinner also, and of course the whole conversation was about advice on my diabetes. It was very insightful. And a little much. I still wish that no one knew. I told my mom that I would take her up on the offer to eat dinner with her during the week. She is happy about that. She is planning a menu already. She said it will be helpful to her, because since she lives alone it is hard to cook for just one person and she usually eats a sandwich for dinner. Kind of like my default dinner is a bowl of cereal. So, I get to eat moms cooking again, that is a good thing. She is a very good cook.

Look at the time. I should have been at work an hour ago. The good thing about the extra job is that they realize it is an extra job, and put very Few limitations on me. I come and go as i please. The only important thing is that the work gets done on time. Then when and how is up to me.

I'm feeling chatty today. l wonder what the rest of the day holds...

This is beatiful...


This is adorable...


This gives me nightmares... fuck you Spielberg!

Still Bleh

So I haven't posted for a while. Shame on me. I haven't been in the best of moods lately, obviously. I fell off the wagon as far as eating goes. I guess I went to the dark side. It's nt that I wasn't watching what I was eating, I really went for it. I had orange chicken and a huge piece of chocalate cake with 2 scoops of ice cream. I just didn't care that day. Usually I feel bad after I eat something I shouldn't, but I didn't this time. It didn't concern me at all. Probably not a good sign.

Today I'm sort of in the middle. But on the lower side of 50%. I'm not in a bad mood, but I'm not in a good mood either. It's more close to being negative though. I'm not sure why. Maybe this afternoon will be better.

I have a job interview today. It's doing the same thing I do now, I son't know if I want to keep ding it, but I don't have any other ideas what to do so I might as well stay with this. I have another interview Monday for a 3 month temp job. It is for a production planner, what I want to do fro now, but it is through a temp agency, for only 3 months. Maybe I can impress them enough t keep me on, I don't know. Should I take it?

A side note, this whole job thing has been weighing on me. Maybe this has been effecting my moods. Hmm....

I met with Holly yesterday. She gave me some "tough love". I didn't like it. I was going to title this entry: "Holly Was Mean to Me Today...", but I don't want to make her feel bad. And in reality, she wasn't being mean. I have a motivation problem, and she is trying to get me motivated. I'm not big fan of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" approach. It kinda felt like that was what she was doing. She asked "What will it take to get you to stand up for yourself?" I dunno. I didn't enjoy yesterday much at all.

I promised to do... something this week. Leave my house and go out into the world and interact with people. Fuck! I have to do it. I know I do. Take a first step. It's hard. I don't like to be judged, maybe because I judge myself so badly. What's the worst that can happen? I have the scenario in my head where I walk into the gay bar and everyone turns to look at the new person. I know they will be judging me by my appearance, and it isn't my best attribute. What if someone comes up and says that I don't belong, or I should go where the old guys are. I picture Mean Girls, but with mean gays instead.

Can you promise me this won't happen? No, of course not. It is very likely to happen, no, probably not. But it is possible. I can't go this weekend, it's date time, and I don't want to be pathetic on date night. I can be pathetic on Monday or Tuesday.

I am having dinner with mom tonight. I am going to tell her I have reconsidered her offer and will come and have dinner with during the week, if she lets me pay for the groceries. I'm sure she will go for it and be very happy. I just son't want to look like a momma's boy, which I know I am. I don't want everyone else to know it too. BTW, this is Holly's idea too. She want to know why refuse help from people who love me and want to help. I dunno.

I really have to work now, btw, my mac at work does not have a spell check feature when I post. Fuckers. So, I'm sending this out, errors and all.

Dreams

I had a sex dream about my ex-wife last night. I've had a few of these recently. WTF? I'm gay, that's why she's my EX-wife. I have plenty of sex dreams about guys too, so I'm not worried, it's just interesting to me.

Woo Hoo Seahawks win! God, they make it so hard on themselves, and their fans too. But a win is all that matters. Next week, the NFC championship game. I'm nervous already.


I love kittens...

Mood Swings... WTF

Hi! So I woke up this morning at 7:42, the one morning when I can sleep in, and as I laid in bed i realized I was in a pretty good mood. Except that is an understatement. I was in a GREAT mood, euphoric almost. I woke up that way, the same way I woke up yesterday in a terribly depressed mood.

I went to the bathroom and came back to snuggle under the covers, and went to one of my happy placed in my head, me getting nailed, and I woke up again at 11:10. That's more like it. I did get to sleep in after all. Woo Hoo!

As for last night and getting hammered... I took to drinks of my first cocktail, and then stopped drinking it. I'm just not a drinker. I have rum left over from 3 years ago. This will probably be here for that long too.

I had a turkey sub for dinner with a half a coke. Then at 11:30 I had a big bowl of cereal. I don't even think I was hungry, just depressed and it sounded good. It was.

Today is the Seahawks divisional playoff. The second round. I'm going to Joes house to watch it. The whole family will be there. We've waited a long time for this, as has every Seahawks fan.

I wonder what my mood will be later today. Will I swing back to the other side...?

p.s. just for the hell of it... this is my current cyberspace crush, I love him...

gray

Here he is. This is Billie Joe Armstrong. I haven't been able to get him out of my head since I read he was bisexual. It's one thing to lust after hot guys, but when the hot guys are on the same team, it makes it even better. I don't know why, but it does.

Now that that's over, let's talk about my mood swings again. Come on, I know I'm being repetitive, but so what. Fuck off if you don't want to hear it again. My afternoon went pretty well, I was in a better place after lunch. But when I left early to go see the doctor, my mood just dropped, like a stone. I have no idea why. I didn't hear a sad song or any of the normal stuff that gets to me.

I think I know what it is, at least partially. I was excited for the weekend. Like way back when I was a normally adjusted person. You work all week to get to the weekend, then you have a great time. When I left work I was all jazzed up for the weekend, and then I realized that I have nothing to be jazzed up about. I have no one to play with, or go out with or even talk to. I am a lonely motherfucker. And then that makes me feel like a loser, what kind of a person doesn't have any friends? A fucked up one, that's who. I know, I know, I'm a great guy, anyone would be more than happy to have me as a friend. How do I find them? I know I actually have to leave the apartment, but I can't go to a gay bar, too much judging. I am not a perfect specimen, and gay guys are way worse than women when it comes to judging a book by it's cover. Fuck...

I did something I haven't done in years tonight. I decided to get trashed. I went to the liquor store and bought some Midori Melon liquor. I am going to drink Midori Sours until I puke (hope not). I know this will not make me feel any better, it may make it worse. Drinking alone... what a life I have carved out for myself.

feeling better

I must be in a� better mood, I just caught myself signing some '70's song with lots of "oooo aaaaa baby please don't go" I don't know the name of it but it was on the radio a little while ago. I really don't like these mood swings, althoough I am glad I'm out of my morning funk.

Let's see what the rest of the day brings.

By the way, I really want to fuck Billie Joe Armstrong...

I have a pic to add, but I can't figure out how and I really should be working...

black

I woke up depressed. What the fuck is that? Did I have a depressing dream? I just feel hopeless again. It has been 2 weeks of pretty good moods, it sucks being back here. I am leaving hope that it will get better during the day, but...

I doubt that I will be happy ever again. Not just momentary happiness, like watching a funny movie, or sharing a laugh at a joke with someone, but truely happy with my life. It's out there, happiness. I can see it from here. I know how to get it. I just can't do it. Taking the steps to make it to happiness is too hard. I think that makes me a pussy, and I deserve to be miserable. It's like I can see everything that I want, friends, a boyfriend, adventure, it's al right there, just a few short steps away, but there is a chasm between me and happiness. It's too deep and wide to cross. I can't make it. I never will. I just want to go to sleep. Or drive. Drive until I run out of gas money. Then... you know. End it all. It's strange to write that down. I've only told Holly that before. Not that anyone else who knows me will read this. I haven't had these thoughts in a couple of weeks. The drugs were working. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it's stress, god knows I have some of that on top of me.

I skipped breakfast this morning. First time in almost 2 weeks. It's the mood, definitely. I was in the kitchen looking at food. All I had to do was reach out and pick up a banana, or apple or pear, theya re all just sitting there looking at me. I looked at them and turned and walked away. I didn't care. As I was walking away my inner self was saying " your gonna be starving by lunchtime, you shouldn't skip this." But I didn't care. I'm hungry now. I thought about stopping and getting a coke and danish, but I have to see the doctor this afternoon, and I don't need that in my system when they check my blood sugar.

Blah... I should be working, not writing this entry.

bye

It's Thursday

Hello, it's me again. Let's start off with the food log. When last we left off... oh yeah, I was all excited to try the oatmeal. Well, let me tell you it was... AWFUL! Oh my god, I can't tell you how bad it was. But, on the plus side, with some sweetener, it will be awesome. Today I had a pear and cliff bar for breakfast, kung pow chicken and a coke for lunch, and a small turkey sandwich for dinner.

I waited too long to register for school, and all the classes are full. Bill was not too happy with that, and suggested that I try another class instead. I went to the college and the adviser helped me with the classes I wanted, she told me to show up to the first class and have the prof. sign the waiver. So I got there about a half hour early to talk to her before class. She didn't show up until 5 minutes after the class was supposed to start. A girl in the front t row jumped up and asked her sign her paper first, before I even got up, and the prof. said sorry the class is full. Then she took down her information. So I had to go up there and wait and then give her my information too. In front of the whole room full of people. Before my drugs I would have had a heart attack, but it was only mildly uncomfortable.

I had more I wanted to say, but now I'm bored with this, so... bye

What Have I Done?

Oh my... I gave someone I know a link to this blog. Now I'm not anonymous anymore. I won't censor myself, I make that pledge to... well, myself.

Food stuff. Cereal for breakfast, big salad and 3 slices of small pizza, a few Jo Jos and monkey bread. I ordered a coke, took a sip and asked them to dump it out. I had water instead. I plan on having oatmeal for dinner, with some fruit in it. Holly told me about it today and I can't get it out of my head. Plus, since I ate a big lunch, I will have small dinner.

Other stuff. I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up some frozen fruit, that's really all I wanted. It just didn't feel right only buying a bag of blueberries. I don't know why. I wandered around the store trying to figure out what else I needed. When I was looking for the frozen fruit, I went past the ice cream section. My weakness. To make it worse, everything was on sale, even the death by chocolate, my favorite. So there I was, standing with the freezer door open and my hand hovering above the box. I stood like that for a few seconds, long enough to make people notice. Then I shut the door and walked away, very proud of myself. I did the same thing with the fruit pies. I thought since I did so good by not getting ice cream, I could just have this one little snack. Again, my hand hovered over the thing. Again, I walked away. But I was hungry for a snack. So I bought a small bag of trail mix. No chocolate chips even! I just ate it while I was typing and it was very pleasing. I don't miss the fruit pie at all. I do wish I had come ice cream though. I thought about buying it and just having a little at a time, but I am not there yet with the whole will power thing. I would have eaten way too much at a time. I also bought a coke with my snack. On the condition that I only take a few drinks. So far so good. There is still 3/4 left. I am going to go dump it out before I drink anymore. BRB
That's done now.

Ok, enough for now... time to surf for... you know what...

another quickie

I need to catch up on my food log. Sunday night I finally had chicken and roasted potatoes and salad. Very good. I probably ate more than I should have though. Monday I had cereal and toast, I had chicken salad and a small very berry turkey sandwich, dinner was with mom, a burger patty, fried potatoes and green beans.

There, that's done. I have other things to say, but no time to say them.

...

so close...

I was feeling pretty happy with myself yesterday for the way I was eating. It's a big challenge for me to make this change and not just say fuck it and eat McCrap. So, I cleaned the kitchen yesterday with the intent (foreshadowing, notice the word intent)of making chicken and raosted potatoes and a salad, the food I bought the other day but didn't eat. I finish with the cleaning and open the fridge to get the chicken, and it has expired, by a day. Not one to take a chance on old food, I chucked it and went down the steet to the store. I am still psyched about making my chicken dinner, just a quick run in, get chicken and garbage bags, and back home to cook.

A quick side note, they have been building a new Happy Panda resturant in the parking lot of the Fred Meyer down the street. It opened a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been in there yet. I was very excited to try it out, I heard good things. So as I turn into the parking lot at Fred Meyer, I notice that happy Panda has a drive thru. Woo Hoo! Now I can't get it out of my head as I am shopping for my chicken. I found myself wandering around the store arguing with myself about Happy Panda. The evil me won, and I went through the drive thru. And... it sucked! The chiken was tough and hard to chew and the flavor wasn't that good. but what can you expect from a resturant with a drive thru?

I still feel confident that I will make the change. 2 out of 3 meals a day is a good start. Before I lost my mind and did the wrong thing, I was really jonesing for a coke. So I bought one, but I only tok three drinks of it. Honestly, the rest is still in the car. I felt pretty good about that, except for the wastefullness of course. But then again, starving kids in Africa don't need coke either.

On a different note, I have a new addiction. It is worse than crack for me (not that I know about crack). It is a Live Journal picture page. It shows the latest 40 pictures uploaded to live journal. From all over the world. I am such a vouyer (sp). The addictive part is that by the time you get to the bottom of the page and hit refresh, there are 40 new pictures to look at. It is never ending. I can't stop myself. Everytime I hit the refresh button, I say "last time, I swear" and then hit it again for another half hour. I have litterally spent an entire evening clicking refresh. I don't knoew what it is, the glimpse into to peoples persoanl lives, it kind of feels like snooping. Plus, ther is always the occasional gay picture that pops up. I have to chase those and see where they lead. It's just so random, you have to see for yourself. http://www.fuzzysquid.com/LJ.php

Enough for now...

All Bow to the Glory of ME!

I didn't eat breakfast because the kitchen is still too messy. So I had to stop at 7-11 to top up my phone, and I really wanted a coke... badly. But I didn't get one. What a change for me. I bought 2 bananas instead of Grandma's cookies or a bear claw. I also bought 2 little bags of peanuts in case I get hungry later. Of course now that I look at the back they have 290 calories... in a little bag. Fuckers.
I'm gonna eat them anyways, well one bag, since I did so well at the 7-11.

Oh yeah, I'm at work now, still don't feel like being here... Obviously.

quickie

I forgot to post my food log for Friday. Here it is: BreAkfast - banana 2 pieces of wheat toast, Lunch - cheesburger, greasy fries, med coke, sm. chocolate malt (it's so good), dinner - late night bowl of cereal, big bowl.

Gotta go, I am a couple hours late to work. I don't want to go. I want to tay home and play, or sleep.

Thurday... still in a good mood ?!?

I had good intentions. I started out the day actually eating breakfast, a bowl of raisin bran and a banana. Then I had a chicken sandwich at subway, with no cheese and no mayo. No chips or SODA either. How strong was my will power?!? Then, I got hungry later in the day. By the time I got home from work I had a headache and I was STARVING. I even stopped at the store on the way home and bought chicken, baby red potatoes (I recently discovered roasted potatoes... OMG I love them) salad. I had very good intentions. When I got home the kitchen is still a mess, a horrible mess. It would have taken me at least 45 minutes to clean it up. Plus I would have had to wash the pan to cook in, and silverware too. So, I went to Teyiaki bowl instead. I got kung pow chicken and an egg roll and a coke. Of course now that I am full, I totally regret it.

Tomorrow I will bring a energy bar with me in case I get hungry again.

I have a job interview tomorrow also, kind of. I am going to meet with a guy about a possible job opening. They don't have a position currently, they are thinking about hiring someone to run their manufacturing. I'm not sure if I want to still do that. Plus, they are an hour away, through messed up traffic. I doubt that I will be offered the job, or if I am if I will take it. But it will be good practice for interviewing since I haven't done that in 6 years.

Oh yeah, I was supposed to update last night. Mom's proposition wasn't about money. She wanted me to come and eat dinner with her each night after work so she knows I am eating right. I refused as gently as I could, I don't think I hurt her feelings. God I hope not.

I am going to watch Must Love Dogs now instead of cleaning the kitchen. John Cusak is yummy.

Goddamn I Ramble

I am in a good mood today. 2 days in a row, a recent record! I forgot that I am supposed to be keeping a food log starting yesterday. So, yesterday I had a banana and coke for breakfast, hamburger and fries and RC for lunch, and 2 tacos and a can of coke for dinner.

Today I had 2 bananas and water for breakfast, and Frickin' Chicken and coke for lunch. I wasn't going to order a drink, but I walked by the drink machine and there was an iced tea container next to it. I love iced tea with nothing in it, so I went back and ordered a drink. But when I tasted the tea, it was awful. I don't even know how to describe it. SO, I got a coke instead. I had good intentions... the iced tea fucked me over.

Mom called and invited me over for dinner again tonight. She said she has a proposition for me. I know she is out today buying me diabetes things that she thinks I need. I think she will offer to pay for me to go to weight watchers with her. Or some other kind of weight loss plan. I don't want her to spend money on me. She has done enough of that already. I will go with her to weight watchers, but I will pay for myself. It should be an interesting evening.

It's lunch time, I'm at the other job today. It is weird how I feel about this place now. I can't help but think that they don't want me. I know they said if there was work to do, they would keep me, but still I feel unwanted. And that translates into how much I care about this place. The people are still great, and I still do a good job, I am just not as invested in it like I was before.

I regret eating what I did for lunch today. I should have just got a small sandwich next door instead of driving to get the chicken. Now I'm full, which means I ate too much. No wonder I'm a fat fucker. EW! What a horrible phrase "I'm a fat fucker". I don't want to do anything... you know... with a fatty. Even though I am one myself, I don't expect anyone to want me this way. I will get better, blah blah blah.

That's enough for now. I will update when I get home from Mom's.

I'm Trying To Be Positive...

Well, I have been a little lax on the updating thing lately. I am going to do my best to remedy that. I went to my therapist today and it wasn't that great. She (Holly from now on) wants to know why I keep sabotaging myself when it comes to being healthy. My brilliant answer: I dunno. Then there was guilt because I am teaching my kids bad habits, which is true, shame on me.

But... I'm not going to go on and on about it. I am going to be positive about things. I am going to get control of myself. This is the year. Finally. In a move to keep myself motivated I told my mom that I have diabetes. She was kind of surprised, but I am a fat little fucker, so it's not a huge shock. But now she is all in MOM mode, giving me all kinds of advice, she's sorry she gave me fudge for Christmas (I'm not) and wants to get me on the straight and narrow. Now I have to do good or else my mom will be after me.

So, I will give up Coke. I have too. I can do it. Fuck, I want a Coke. I will eat the right things, in the correct amounts. I will slip, but then I will get right back to the PLAN.

I also need to find a job. This is causing me a little stress.

I'm done writing for now. I know I have a lot of incomplete ideas here, but I want to look at porn now, so... bye.