I've made a huge mistake...

My favorite line from Arrested Developement. It feels appropriate to my current situation. It’s been a while since I posted last. I have rarely been in the mood to share, in fact I’m not in the mood now but I will anyway.

A Big Mistake:
I now believe that it was a mistake to let my apartment go without having a new one to go to. Staying at my brother’s is ok, but I don’t like being a burden, and I’m a grown man. I should have my own place to live.

A Bigger Mistake:
A few weeks ago I ran out of my Prozac pills about 5 days before payday. Since I didn’t have the money to refill the prescription, and I had been feeling pretty good for a while, I decided to just stop taking them. I was wrong. When I first started taking them over a year ago, one of the side effects was that I had insomnia. I could fall asleep right away, but wake up about 30 minutes later and stay up for hours. I am luckily one of those people who fall asleep with minutes of lying down. Insomnia is not good for me.

Well, a few days after I stopped taking the pills, the insomnia came back. Now on top of not being able to sleep, I was getting moody too. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I get quiet when I am down. Today I haven’t spoken much at all. In fact, I was just asked by Mr. Republican "Why the Clint Eastwood face?" I guess because I'm not my jovial self right now.

The Biggest Mistake:
I can’t go into this one too much, at least online. It has to do with my ex-wife and some of the things I agreed to in our divorce. Growl….

So in closing, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. Been dealing with crap and crap emotions to go along with them. Things have happened, even good things. Toddy made me cry, but in a good way when I needed it most. Maybe I will elaborate on that later. Also, this past weekend I was forced to watch parts of a movie called "Lesbian Lovers." It was awful. I never wanted to see that nasty gash again (no offense if you have one). My brothers said it was in intervention. To bring me back to the straight and narrow. It didn't work. I have never been more sure of anything as I was watching 2 women perform... things on each other.

Hugs… jeff
I've made a huge mistake...

I kissed a drag queen...

Alternate post titles for today:

Blogging in absentia...

Tales from the trailer...

Screaming from the hinterland...

So here I am sitting in my trailer. I have taken Toddy's advice and now I am embracing the trailer. Things could be a lot worse.

Here are some of the positives: I have privacy; I'm not living with anybody else so I can still lounge in my unders. This is a very nice trailer; it is new, has all the comforts I need including a queen sized bed. I have my mattress pad and my blanket and pillows and I am set. There is a big fridge, microwave, and the bathroom works. I don't have to go to the big house to... you know.

Now that I have painted a big old rosy picture, here are some of the negatives: IT’S IN FOREST GROVE!!!!!! This is place where I lived my whole adult life. I left this place last year when I decided to start over. And now I'm back... (NOOOOOO) There is a limited amount of space in the um... poo tank. (sorry) You know, I'm sitting here trying to come up with things that are wrong, but I can't. The biggest issue is the location. But it’s temporary until I find a place in the city.

Speaking of that, I had an appointment on Thursday at 7:00 to look at an apartment in NW. I got there at 6:55 and there was a note on t he door saying the apartment was rented. WTF That kind of sucked, but then since I was downtown anyways, I met Toddy for a drink or two(ish). The best part about the apartment was the name of the building. It was called "The Winona". Ha! I really wanted to be living in the Winona building, it just sounds gay to me. I will keep up the search until I find something downtown that I like.

Last night (sat) was a fun time. I took my oldest brother out for dinner. He is recently single and ready to move on. So I told him we could have an early dinner because I had to meet some friends at 8:00. We couldn't decide where to eat, and the one place we wanted to go to was closed. So I suggested we go to Hobo's. It is a gay bar, but it is very nice and classy. They have a piano and everything! He said he was ok with that so we had dinner there. It was very good, as always. We had a 2 drinks a piece and then I offered to show him where I always hang out, not thinking he would take me up on it. ( CCs is right around the corner for Hobo's) He said he didn't mind as long as no one tried to grope him. I assured him he was safe and had t warn him not to look at the TVs. Gay porn makes the straights uncomfortable. Pussies. We went inside and Todd and Marilyn were already there. I introduced them all and then we had a drink and a shot. The shot is called "cum in a hot tub" and it looks nasty. Tastes good, but the name and the look are nasty. Then I took him home and came back to the bar.

Here is where the real fun began. I was already a little buzzed from the first 4 drinks so of course I opened a tab. Andrew was there and so was Kel. (god he is hot) I am becoming increasingly impaired s the night went on, and then it happened: Bolivia Carmichaels came out as the hostess for the evening. The Thursday before I had seen what she looks like as a dude. Not bad a t all, but he didn't knock my socks off. I am totally in love with Bolivia. It really freaks me out. I remember having this same conversation with each of my friends: "How can I be attracted to him as woman? I'm gay, I swear!" They all assured me it was ok, maybe it was the personality of Bolivia that attracted me. Maybe. Whatever it was was strong. Around 10:00ish Todd and Marilyn went home. I almost left too, since I can be a little dependent on others, but I decided not to. Andrew was still there waiting for a friend, so I stayed.

I was siting at the end of the bar and then she came and sat next to me for a drink of water. It was her! My Bolivia. I admit that I was a little drunk at this point, but not as drunk as I would be later. I reached out and touched her leg and leaned over and said you are so attractive. Can you drink while you work? She said yes and so I bought her a drink, and me another one too. Can't have anyone drink alone. It wouldn't be polite. I can't remember everything that happened after that, so its next part may be a little sketchy.

Andrew's friend came and they went in to the rainbow room where its quieter. I could see them from my barstool and I would wave occasionally. Bolivia did her hosting thing, and came back to sit with me and talk. She motioned over a really cute guy named Jeffery to sit with us and he did for a while. I remember going in to say hi to Andrew a few times. I bought a cum in a hot tub for Bolivia and Jeffery, but then I couldn't find her. I finally tracked her down and brought her back to drink. I got lots of hugs.

It is possible that I embarrassed myself. I remember towards the end of the night she said she had to work and I was monopolizing her time. So I went to sit with Andrew and drink water because I had to drive home... to BFE! There was no stool next to him, so I leaned on the bar and tried to stay upright. Ha I told him that I had talked with several people all by myself and that he should be proud of me. (he chastises me for not talking with people very much) I stayed for another hour or so until I sobered up some. Some of the other bartenders were there drinking with Andrew and I remember asking several of them individually if they would remember me next time. Will you remember my name? They all said yes. Then as I said goodbye and headed for the door, there was Bolivia again. So I went up and said I was going home and I asked for a kiss. She said a little one because she was wearing makeup. I said but I never kissed a boy before, you could be my first. She said if she wasn't wearing makeup she would give me one hell of a kiss. I got my little kiss and a hug and then I asked her if she would remember me next time. She sad how could she forget me. Another hug, then a 30 fucking mile drive home.

What a great night.... the end

Small things

It's funny to me how sometimes small things can make such a big impact. It's not a big secret that I have had a rough few days since my kids left. I have been a little mopey :) and maybe sounded a bit whiney. Well today was no different. Yesterday afternoon after lunch I got quiet. I don't think I said 10 words the rest of the day. I was just depressed. This morning started out the same way. Maybe it's because I was tired. Who knows?

Then around 10:30 this morning I got a text message from "Toddy the wonderful" saying "happy hour at CCs tonight". I answered back that I would be there. It took a little while, but the blue funk that was surrounding me lifted. My afternoon has been great. My co-workers are savvy to my mood swings now. It's so much better when things are good.

So right now I am feeling upbeat and looking forward to CCs. I hope I can convince Toddy to stay for Karaoke with me. At least for a little while. It's no fun alone.

Oh yeah... there's one more thing I can share. I spent the last week at my mom's house with my kids, and then I moved into the trailer. I have been afraid of anyone noticing the "trailer a rockin'" so I have been chaste for longer than I wanted to be. Last night I didn’t care about the "rocking'" and practiced the art of self love, a skill which I have mastered. I don't know if the "trailer was a rockin'" or not, and I don't care. I had a much better sleep last night! I think I will just go back to the old routine.

Maybe that has something to do with my mood too... :)

I need some practice

At a lot of things, but today lets talk about batting. While the boys were here, we went to Bullwinkles Fun Shack (or whatever its called). Since it was a weekday, there were hardly any kids there. The best way to go to a kids place. I bought the full package: mini golf, go karts, laser tag, batting cages, and lots of video games. The batting cages were my downfall.

Who knew I would be so horrible at batting. I mean, I know I always struck out in school, adding to my shame of being alive at the time. But I thought if I kept my eye on the ball, now that I'm older and know these things, I would do ok. I was terribly, embarasingly wrong.

We each got 50 balls. Matt, the younger one, went nuts with his and hit a few. There were really no expectations for him other than to have a good time, it's not his thing at all. But he had fun. Sam on the other hand was brilliant. WTF! I thought he would maybe hit a few and have some fun. But no, all I hear from his cage (convieniently located right next to mine) was "thunk....thunk...thunk..." You get the idea. He was a fucking natural. He was having a great time. It made me happy to see him succeed that way.

Cut to me... I was awful. I thought every swing would knock it out of the park, and I was so surprised each time I missed the ball. It is embarrasing to admit, but I will anyway, out of the 50 balls that came my way, I tick fouled 2 of them... and sent one ball forward. Thats it. Out of 50 balls, I hit one.

This greatly amused Sam, and added to his enjoyment of the occasion. I heard this a few times "Where am I getting this from? It sure isn't from you." "Jeez dad, I knew you were gay, but you really suck." Then he had a wonderful time telling the guys at the go kart track how bad I sucked.

Sidenote: These guys were fucking gorgeous, early 20's, kind of geeky, great bodies. It was hard not to check them out whith my kids around. I tried to be discrete, but I think Sam caught me. I looked over once and he was smirking at me. Oops.

Anyways, we had a great time. I miss them so much. My batting abilities have me concerned about next srping though. I planned on joining the softball league with Toddy, but holy cow, I need some practice first.

Today in my life...

So here I am, after a long unpleasant weekend, ready to share with you again.

I thought about doing this over the weekend, but it would have been pretty down and filled with self pity. I know there are those out there who don’t like it when I write like that, but damn it, sometimes that’s how you feel. I am doing much better nowadays, I have way more good days than bad days. So, if you don’t want to hear whining, stop reading.

Last week my boys were here to see me. They are supposed to be here on Sunday, but they didn’t show up until after midnight on Monday. A whole day I missed. They left about 11:00 Friday night. I got a whole 4 days with them. Granted, it’s better than not seeing them, but it was too fucking short.

I spent the whole week before getting ready to move and moving. A very tiring endeavor. By the time I was done, I was too tired to realize I didn’t have my own place anymore. I stayed last week at my mom’s house with the boys. It was great for all. She fed them well and of course over did it as a grandma is like to do.

They left late Friday night, Saturday morning I had to work. When I was done, I went back to my mom’s to get what little stuff I had and move it to my brother’s house where I was going to be staying. They were out of town taking the new trailer on its maiden voyage. I stayed in the house Saturday night and moved into the trailer on Sunday.

Saturday evening is when things started to go downhill. I took a nap after getting up early to work, and when I woke up it hit me. I am in my brother’s house, and I have nothing. All my possesions are stored in a small little storage room. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have a place to go to. I want to go home, but there is no home. I think I made a big mistake.

I went to CCs for a drink and Andrew kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sat by Kel and played the video game. I wasn’t very talkative and I am afraid that I may have come off as rude to him. Plus, now I am kicking myself for passing up an opportunity to speak with one of the inner circle on a one on one basis. That was a mistake.

Today is a better day, but I think it is because I am so busy. I don’t know what will happen after work. I wish I had more time to polish this up.

Until next time…

Remember me?

My God, has it really been two weeks since I last blogged? I have been pretty busy lately, and I’ll admit it, a little lazy too.

I am officially out of my apartment now. I finished cleaning it up last Sunday. My God, my legs hurt, living on the third floor was great except for the packing everything up and down three flights of stairs.

My whole life is shut up in a 7 ½’ x 10’ storage room. That’s a little depressing. Too see how little I actually have at this stage in my life. It’s like a basketball or football team that sucks, I’m in a rebuilding year. I will come out of this better than before. I am trying very hard to keep myself up and happy.

The good news is that my boys are here for this week. Unfortunately, they are only here until Friday night, and they didn’t get here until midnight Monday. I am supposed to get more time with them, but I am not the one making the plane reservations. I talked with the ex about this, and she didn’t give me a good enough answer. I decided to let it go for now so I can concentrate on having a good time with the boys. I am taking off Thursday and Friday of this week. I’m not sure what we will be doing yet, but just being with them is enough for me.

I haven’t been out for a while, and I won’t go out again until this weekend maybe. I did go to karaoke last week. Marilyn and Karel (sp) were there involved in a conversation. I didn’t want to (or know how to) interrupt them so I played the little video game at the bar. Then I noticed that Toddy had come in sat with them and they were having a good time with there conversation, so I waited until I could find a good time to ingratiate myself into their threesome. When they got up to sit at a table, I made my move and joined them. Of course they welcomed me, and then Andy and Derek showed up too. I really felt like an interloper then. I got the impression that they had all planned on getting together that night, but I wasn’t part of the plan.

I was quiet as usual, but I did speak occasionally. They all were very nice to me, and included me in the conversations. I still felt like I was intruding on them. It is very hard to join into a fully formed group of people. They all have such a history together. I wish I had that, I will have that some day.

While I was playing the video game there was a guy sitting next to me who was a little bit… “off”. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not someone I would ever talk too or be around. Andrew asked if I wanted him to get rid of the guy, and I said no. After he left Andrew told me that I didn’t have to be nice to a guy if I don’t like him. But I could never do that. Be rude to someone for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong or bad, he was just a little creepy (not the best word, but I can’t think of another one)

The later when Toddy was there, Andrew and I were talking about it again and I asked Todd his opinion, but Andrew said he was just like me, he couldn’t be mean to someone no matter what. That is one of the things I really love about Toddy. But then my inner voice (the fucker) said maybe I am like the creepy guy to Toddy. He is just too nice to tell me to go away. That’s probably not the case, but the voice, the voice is very powerful. I am not going to let it keep me from going back to CC’s. I will go out again. I really need to do something away from the bar though. I want to hang out with people somewhere else. It will happen… sometime…



I gotta work now… it’s very busy all the sudden.

Still having a great time

Since we last spoke, things have been going pretty good. I made a mistake on Friday night though. A very DUMB mistake. It's something I won't repeat anytime soon. When I stayed out late for karaoke the other night, by the end of the night I was impaired and all the guys that I was sitting with were smoking. I haven't smoked since I was 21, so that's 15 years ago. I really wanted one that night. I haven't craved one for years and years, but I wnated one that night.

So on Friday I went downtwn for happy hour ( a new discovery for me...I like it!) and as I was drinking, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. My thinking was that I would only smoke when I drank. I know people who do that. I felt like such a tool though. It's like I forgot how to smoke. I could do it, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. And then after the third one, the nausea came. And the dizziness. I thought I was going to die, or at least throw up all over the bar. So I gave the pack to Andrew and told him to give it to someone else, and I went home at 8:00 to go to bed. I felt awful. What a dumbass I was. But it's out of my system now. Next time I want one I'll remember how sick I got.

Then on Saturday I met Toddy for drinks and dinner. I was hoping he would finish his move and meet me around 5 or 6, but it was after 8:00 before he made it. But that's ok, he still came to meet me and he was able to finish everything. It was a celebration for him being done. I got there around 5:00 so I had a head start on the drinking. But I wasn't impaired when he got there. I had a good time being able to sit and talk with him. I don't remember much of what we said, but I think he had a good time too. We had a nice dinenr at Hobo's, then went back to CC's for more drinks.

The only down side was that on Sunday, I experienced my first hangover in forever. So I didn't do any packing this weekend, let alone move anything to storage. I still haveuntil the end of the month, but I really need to get it started. I will... tomorrow. Well, maybe Wednesday, tomorrow is karaoke and I want to go again. I don't know if I'll stay as late but I want to have fun. If Toddy comes, I might even sing!

Love you all...

A great time was had by...... ME!

Good morning my friends. I thought I would take the time to blog before I start working today. Why not start the day off right?

Last night I went out to CC’s. Oh my, I had a good time. Toddy was possibly going to show up, but he decided not to, so I was on my own. Marilyn and Loren were there when I got there, I sat kind of next to them, but I couldn’t talk. I hate when I get that shy. Bless her heart, Loren tried to get me into a conversation, but I was unable to participate. But, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll just try harder next time.

Andrew was just finishing up his shift so he came and sat with us. Then when the ladies left, a guy named Dave moved down to sit with us. He has the best laugh ever. Very deep and sincere sounding. It made me smile every time I heard it (when I wasn’t laughing with him).

I ended up drinking more than I was going to. I became impaired, but I wasn’t drunk like the bingo game. It was karaoke night also. I didn’t sing, I might have if Toddy was there. He has that supportive thing going for him where he makes you believe you can do anything. I love him. Andrew sang and was awesome, as always. He put in a song for the guy who was co-hosting the karaoke. “Could I Have This Dance” by Anne Murray. It was an inside joke, but Dave and I went with it. We had to stay until he sang the song. So, I drank way too much and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning. Me! I stayed out late on a weeknight. Holy cow, I think the pod people must have taken me.

To wrap this up I must mention 2 people I met last night. Dave of course I already talked about. The thing with him is he is a little older than what I would normally go for. But his personality won me over. I totally would have gone home with him last night.

The second guy was a friend of Loren’s, Mike. (or Micheal, I was very impaired by the time he introduced himself). After the ladies left, I thought that he had went with them, but then at the end of the night as he was leaving he stopped by to talk to me, is he must have just moved somewhere else. Oh my, I would have went home with him too. There was a great connection for me to this guy. I love his type, a little boy next door/geeky. Just a normal guy. Hot guys are good to look at and drool over, but in real life, that’s not my type. Mike was soooo what I wanted. We only talked for a few minutes, but damn, I was hooked.

I can’t believe that this is me actually going out and having fun and meeting people. It was only a few months ago that I was miserable and terribly alone. I feel like I have made some good progress in my life, and there is no end in sight. I am excited about the future now, which is new for me too. I can’t wait move on and do new things. Yea me!

Damn, I didn’t want this to be so long, but I must mention that since I came out to the woman at the office, I feel like a whole new man. She is so fine with it, I can make comments about gay things and guys and she laughs and agrees with me. It is so liberating for me now. I am so happy.

Love you all…. jeff

too pissed to be creative

Once again I have waited too long to post and I have too much to say. I'll try to get it all out.

First let me start off by saying that everyone should go and see Little Miss Sunshine. What a great movie. I laughed so hard I snorted right there in the theater. I needed a pick me up movie, and boy did this deliver. I'm still on a high from it.

Now the reason why I needed the pick me up. Lat night I was at my mom's for dinner and we were relaxing ont he porch getting ready to watch RV. my oldest brother John called and while she was talking to him I was zoning in out out of her side of the conversation. From the gist of it, his wife wasn't home and he didn't know where she was. Then I heard my mom say" oh, you found a note?" So I said out of the blue as a joke, "it's a dear John letter." You know, since his name is John. Then he said "what the hell, I'll call you back mom." It turns out it WAS a dear John letter. She left him, moved out all her shit and left a note. My brother is dumbfounded. Everyone is. They had problems a few years ago, and on and off over the years, but recently everything has been fine. All their kids are out of the house, and they are shocked as well. No one knows where she went, or why. So today after I talked with him, he sounded so defeated, I needed to be happy again. And it worked. I just hope he holds on long enough to see this will work out ok. He has a history of bad decisions, usually revolving around drinking. I asked him to stay away from the bottle, and he said he would. But he has said that before. He's a grown man, what more can you do. So anyway, that's that.

Last Wednesday my Mom wasn't feeling well so I told her I wouldn't be over for dinner. Since I had time, I went in to CC's for a drink. Toddy was there! I thought he was in Seattle for a week. What a good surprise. So we sat and talked and had some drinks and a very nice time. I am vry happy with the way I am progressing right now. I had no roblem going out by myself. And hen i had no problem holding up my end of the conversation. I don't remember any awkward silences. Like ususal. So... yea me.

Then, on Thursday I came out to the Mormon lady at work. I love her, and once it becomes more of a friendship relationship with someone, it feels like I'm lying not to tell them. So I told her and she said "duh, I have gaydar." Ha, I laughes and then we talked about it some more and everything is cool. She is one of the best story tellers ever. I laugh all the time with her.

I reserved my storage place today, I'll start moving my stuff in next wekend. I was going to pack today, but I never made it. there's always tomorrow. :)

Lastly... I'll try to shorten this as much as I can. For about 6 years after my brother got home for the Gulf War, he had terrible headaches. And they got worse, moving into seisures. The VA told him it was all in his head, he was just depressed and doing it to himself. I think 2 or 3 years ago he had an episode so bad, my mom didn't take him to the VA, but to the local emergency room. The first thing they did was a CAT scan. They found a tumor* with tthe mass of a grapefruit wrapped around the left side of his brain. Fucking VA, it was in his head, literally. So they took it out, after months of delays. I hate them. They said if it comes back, they'll take it out again and put in a drain tube.

*it wasn't a tumor, but an Arachnoid cist - it fills up with spinal fluid and puts pressure on the brain.

It came back. He didn't go throught the VA this time, thank God. The regular hospital said they should have put the drain in the first time and then it wouldn't have come back. Fuckers. So anyway, he had the surgery last month and now is home. He is still having problems with it, they need to go back in and put in a valve because when he is verticle, it puts too much pressure back onto his brain, causing immense pain. So, he's not getting out of bed much at all.

Here's the whole point of this. His wife is not the sharpest knife in the shed. She's blond, and acts like it. I have been the one to not say anything about her for the longest, as long as my brother is happy with her, ok. But lately she has been going off her rocker. She has not had a job for going on 10 years. She refuses to drive herself, even though she drove all over before they moved here from Indiana. And now, the day of his surgery, she goes out and gets a job. Working graveyard shift over the weekends. Her reasoning is that Jim can watch the kids while she works. They have 4 kids, the youngest is almost 2. And a handful. My brother can't even get out of bed, and she is leaving him to watch the kids all night. Granted they should be sleeping, but what if the baby wakes up? he can't bend over and pick her up. He can't go up the stairs where her bedroom is. The other kids are helping out a lot, but goddamnit, this isn't the time to get a job. She waited 10 years, what's another month? FUCK.

So I just got a call form my mom asking me to go and spend the night at his house while she works because he has been throwing up all day. Of course I'll do it, but goddamnit, she should call in sick for tonight. FUCK. This woman is making us mental. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she has [roven tima and again that she is totaly self centered. (Even more than me) So now I'm angry and I haveto go baby sit a screaming baby, that's what she was doing when I called, bloody murder, Jim's poor head.

Well, I was in a good mood...

Too much inside my brain...

You know, I should really do this more often. I have so many things to say, and now to put them all into one post would be long and make me look even more schizo than ever. So, I will narrow it down a little.

This past weekend I spent all three days at my brother’s house helping him remodel his bathroom. I love doing that kind of stuff. I get a vicarious thrill out of it, since I don’t have my own place to remodel. Someday I will, then he will have to help me when I ask. The one major comment I have for the weekend is that I can sure tell I work in an office environment. Muscles that I didn’t know were there are still sore. But great fun was had by all, and they fed me very well for my effort. Too well, I had to have gained poundage from all that food all three nights.

On to a new subject, let’s talk about my moods. That’s always a great topic… I don’t know why, but ever since I got called on my bad juju day, I have been very upbeat. I haven’t had a down day since then. It seems that things are kind of getting scary around me, I’m about to be homeless at the end of the month, my finances are slowly tightening the noose around my neck, but I am still optimistic. I can stay with the bathroom brother in his travel trailer for a few months if needed. In that time, I should be able to get my finances back in shape. Then I will be able to find an apartment downtown where I want, and things will be better. Being an optimist is such a weird thing for me, very opposite of my normal outlook.

I still haven’t gotten laid. I haven’t really had the money to go out at all, but soon I will have a little bit extra to play on. I know I have to get some other kinds of activities to meet people. I think about it a lot. Once I get my move taken care of, I will put more emphasis on it.

I asked last time about putting the vibe out that I want to get laid, and Will responded by asking how I did it when I was dating women. Well, I didn’t really date women. I dated one woman, and then married her. The two women before her pursued me, I was just a willing victim to there sexual needs.  So the answer is, I don’t know how to get women into bed anymore than I know how to get men into my bed. I will figure it out though. My new attitude says I will.

I will try to get more of my thoughts out later, I gotta work now….

jeff

Monday

It’s done; I officially gave my notice to vacate my apartment by the end of September. Now…. The question is… where to go??? Of course my initial response is to move into the city into a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment. I have even looked at a couple. But the practical part of me (albeit a very small part) knows I need some time to catch up. My brother is buying a travel trailer for camping by next weekend. His wife and him have offered to let me stay in it rent free for a few months to try and catch up financially. Realistically, this is what I need to do. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lean on my family any more than I already have. But if I were to move into another apartment right away, I would be able to afford it, but I wouldn’t be able to also pay back some of the money I have had to borrow over the past few months. I really need to do that. Of course, my mom says not to worry about it, but I do. You have to pay your own way. So that’s what I think I will do. I’ve always been a little trashy, now I’m going to be full blown trailer trash.

There has been something else on my mind recently. I need to get laid. I have been celibate long enough. I’m not quite sure how to put out the vibe that I’m ready though. I’m not really a “first move” maker. I will attack on the second move, but I don’t really initiate the contact. So how do I let guys know I’m willing and ready? Should I show up at CC’s in a banana hammock? Maybe write fuck me across my forehead? Maybe I should just stand up and announce to the room that I’m ready.

Any hints or pointer would be great…

Hey There!

Well hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I have a few new things to share. My decision on whether or not to move has been made for me. I received a letter from my apartment manager informing me that my lease is up at the end of September, and that my rent will increase $100.00 per month, plus another $15.00 for my parking space. Or, I can go to a month to month agreement, for approximately $200.00 per month. So, I am out of here at the end of September.

The timing sucks though because the boys are coming back at the end of September. I am thinking of leaving more towards the middle of the month, and then staying in a hotel with the boys while they are here for a week. I’ll pick one with a pool, they’ll like that.

Yesterday I looked at an apartment downtown, at 12 & Washington. It was more than a little disappointing. Very very small. I don’t mind a small place, but this couldn’t have been more than 300 sq. feet. So, the search continues.

Hooking up with a roommate or 2 isn’t a bad idea, I think. But here’s the rub, how do you pick a stranger as a roommate? I see lots of listing on Craigslist that seem promising. But jeez, how can I narrow down the field so it is the right decision? I don’t want to move again very soon. I need to pick the right place.

I am confident though that everything will work out. I feel like I have turned a corner recently, my bad juju days seem to be gone. I know it’s only been a week or two, but everything feels much better now. Even with the challenges I’m facing.

Bye Bye! (voice of John McGlauphlin)

G'Day

Well hello there, how've you been? I've been just fine thanks. I thought I would share a couple of new developements with you. First, I talked with my boss yesterday about increasing my salary. I was looking for a $3000.00 per year bump, he came in with $2000.00. In the past I would have said thank you and then kicked myself for not standing up for what I need. But this time I said that I was hoping to get a little closer to what I was making in my old job. I told him what I needed, and he said he would run some numbers and let me know next pay period when my check gets here. So at the least I will be getting the $2000.00, maybe even more. Thank god, I didn't want to have to change jobs again.

The second thing is while browsing Craigslist for cheaper apartments or rooms to rent, I came across something that looks promising. It is a large 3 bedroom apartment with 2 30 - 40 ish gay guys, looking for a 3rd roommate. I answered the ad and he answered me back saying he would like to meet me and have me come look at the place. Financially this is something I need. The reduction in rent would be great, it would really help me out. But living with roommates again makes me a little nervous. Especially strangers. They could be very nice, or they could be psychos. Who knows?
On the plus side, this should force me to be more social (in theory). I would get to move into the city, although not downtown like I wanted, but then again, I can't really afford downtown.

I'm not sure what to do on this yet. I will meet with the guy and look at the place. That isn't making a commitment. It's just checking it out. Oohh... any suggestions on what I should ask them? Anything I should look out for? Red flags or warning signs? Any feedback would be nice.

I'm at work right now or else I would include a hottie picture. You'll just have to imagine one for today. Maybe later I'll post a couple later. If your good...

jeff

Hmm

A few days ago I posted an entry that was pretty dramatic and sad. Someone called me on it. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'll try.

Here is my quote:

"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."

Here is the comment:

Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.

I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.

I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.

I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.

As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.

Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.

I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.

So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.

Hugs...

jeff

More bits of randomness...

I'm kind of all over the map today. In no particualar order, these are some of the things running through my mind:

Yesterday at work, the republican guy that I just told I was gay was describing a customer to us. The customer is kind of a weather nerd, always calling about new software or equipment,and he was described as "joining the anal club." I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the giggles from starting. It struck me as very funny.

All morning I have been singing the hero song from Disney's Hercules: I Can Go The Distance. I blame Toddy and his Little Mermaid (I'm Unique) post.

This is me...not that I'm bitter about being short or anything :)


I remembered today that I was going to look into beign a roommate instead of you know, slumming it in my car or staying with my brother and his family. Not looking forward to that. I found this great place. I love it. Ah, home. But I don't think I would fit here. Check out the pictures of the place. I especially like the big black phallus thingy in the living room. WTF.

I have spent the last half hour playing wiht my blog. I think I've figured out the whole links thing. Yea me! The boss is out of the office today. I should go do some work, but now it's lunch time. I'm hungry, I must go and eat.

just like clockwork...

It's a new day and I'm in a great mood. Fuck it, I'll just go with it. For today I thought I would post something a little different than usual. How about some pictures of hot guys off my screensaver program. yeah, I thought it was a good idea too. I have to turn off my monitor whenever family comes over. They accept me, but don't want to see any improper images. If they only knew...

Look at this face... it's perfection... I love him


My newest pic, it's Steve Sandvoss from "Latter Days"... fucking yum!


I'd like lay on his bench and let him work me over...


I love them both....


You know it's true...

Bad juju....

I've been hesitant to write about this because I am sick of how needy I've been sounding lately. Something is going on and it doesn't feel right. I think my meds are off. (anti-depressants, don't want anyone to think I'm psychotic or anything... just depressed) I was used to having mood swings sometimes on a daily basis. But over this past week, my swings have been happening several times a day. WTF. My high points aren't that high anymore, but my lows are pretty low. Thursday I was going to post a whole entry on why suicide could be the answer. I might get to that later.

I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.

I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.

A Taboo Subject - Suicide

So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.

I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.

How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.

It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.

I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.

There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.

I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)

I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.

So let me tell you about my day.

Sometimes you make decisions in a split second without really thinking them through, at least I do. Today I made 2. One that I regret, and one that I don't. Allow me to share...

Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.

*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.

Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.

I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.

Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.

I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.

That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.

This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.

My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.

Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.

I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.

Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)

What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").

When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.

Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.

So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)

Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.

G'night...

Perspective...

Now that it’s the next day, and I’m sober again, I am a little bit disappointed with my decision to drive home last night. I shouldn’t have done that. It has been a long, long time since I was inebriated as I was yesterday. I’m also not too sure about drunk blogging. It may not be a wise choice either. I knew I was still drunk when I went to bed last night because as I was laying there waiting for sleep to come, I was singing “King of the Road” and then “Delta Dawn” to my cat. The bed wasn’t spinning, but the window was open and I wasn’t being too quiet. Ha, fuck the neighbors, they’ve kept me up late more than once. Then I woke up at 1:00 and couldn’t go back to sleep until after 3:00. (I still felt drunk btw) Now I’m at work and while I’m not hung over, I am overly tired and sluggish. Ah well, tonight I will sleep better.

I know I said yesterday what a great time I had, but I want to reiterate something here. As I am looking back on what transpired yesterday, I realize that I don’t know the last time I actually let my guard down all the way, and was just myself, without any thought of the other people around me. This is what I have been searching for. Longing for. Todd and his group of friends accepting into their fold the way they have is so wonderful. I remember the more that I drank, the more I told Loren about the cute guys there. I kept saying I love him and pointing out different guys. She just laughed and agreed with me. It is so strange to actually speak out loud about liking guys and to have no weirdness associated with it.

I just had a really good time, and I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. I feel very happy right now.

Woo Fucking Hoo

Lime green jello shots are fucking A good. I have done a bad thing, please don't judge me too harshly Holly. I drank too much and drove home when i shouldn't have. But now that I am home, lets revel in the day that I had.

First i went to the movies with 2 of my brothers. The one with the tumor and the one in forest grove. We saw Talladega Nights. We laughed really hard. It was funny in a stupid kind of way. A great time was had by all.

Then... the real fun began. I met Toddy and friends for the softball fundraiser at CC's. Since I knew i would be there a while, I started off with a long island iced tea. Soon I was feeling no pain. We played bingo! I sat between Loren and Doug. Across from Toddy. Marilyn was on the other side of Loren and Sean was across from Doug and Cal was next to Toddy.

The Sisters of perpetual Something were the bingo hosts people. They were fucking awesome. They had face paint and were wearing kind of modified habits. There was one who roamed the crowd with a microphone making comments and spanking people who called bingo in error. I was strangely attracted to him. He had a mohawk and face paint, but he was really hot. The more I drank, the more I was attracted to him.

Now I have to talk about Loren. I LOVE HER!!! We sat next to each other, and I told her I had blotter envy. I picked a blue bingo card blotter. Hers was green. I liked hers lots better than mine. She said that green was her favorite color. About this time, a guy started walking around with jello shots. Toddy and I both had a blue one. It was good. Then he came back and I had a red one. It was awful. Then he came back and he added green to the mix. So I had a green one. It was lime and very good. Very strong too. Loren and I tool turns buying green jello shots for each other. I had so much fun sitting with her.

I switched my drink to vodka cranberries. I had three more of those, plus the long island and 6 jello shots in 3 hours. I was impaired. I was also having a great time. I talked with Marilyn one on one. With Cal one on one. Toddy disappeared after bingo was over. I think he went home without saying goodbye.

I went to Hobo's and had some dinner in an effort to sober up. Then I drove home when I shouldn't have. It wasn't very far, but I know I was bad anyways. Please don't judge me. So now, I am drunk blogging. Another first for me.

All in all I had a great fucking time. Loren is awesome. I love her now.

good night...

Bo & Hope...

Today I was walking around the Fred Meyers, I needed a bar of soap, but nothing else, and I felt like a tool just buying a bar of soap so I browsed for more things to buy. I didn't find anything, just the soap. But that's not the point. As I was walking around singing to myself with the music that was playing, an old familiar song came on. The love theme from Days of our Lives for Bo & Hope back in the eighties. "Tonight I Celebrate My Love for You." It was about halfway through and I was looking at ironing boards when I noticed what song I was singing. It was one of those instant time travel memory experiences that happen when you hear the right song. At least for me. Immediately I was back to being a kid, watching Days with my grandmother. It was our favorite story. (Who knew I would turn out gay, there were no signs) I remembered so many things in that instant. Like when Bo came in and stole Hope away from that DA guy she was going to marry. Took her right out of the church and roared away on his motorcycle. Bo's mullet. Bo's beard. Bo isn't my type, but he was attractive.

There was a woman on the show named Kimberley, and she was with the guy from the Nanny. I don't remember her relationship to the other characters. I think she was Roman's sister. Anyways, I always remember her because my grandma hated her, and every time she was on the TV my grandma would say" I just wanna kick her in the snatch."

My family still laughs about that. Anytime we are all together and someone does something wrong or says something stupid, that line comes out. And we laugh.

The other song that really takes me back is "Let's Hear It For The Boys." That was the summer I was 13. Lots of things happened that summer. I stayed with my oldest brother and his first wife for 2 months. It was during this summer that I was introduced to marijuana. We went over to their friends house and they wanted me to go away, so they gave me a large butter tub full of pot and a pipe and a bong, and put me in this little tiny alcove where there was a stereo and headphones and more cassette tapes than I had or have since seen. I remember having a very good time. Then the rest of the summer was spent in the pursuit of the high.

But the specific memory is of cleaning their apartment while they were at work with the radio blasting this song. I was dancing and singing and having a great time. I always go back there when that song comes on.

I was going to post about first crushes. I came across a website devoted to River Phoenix. My god, he was special. I loved him. He was going to be mine, I just know it. Fate kept us apart. Alas, maybe in the next life.




Oh yeah, I think I may have figured out how to post a link in an entry. I'm going to try it out now. Hope it works. I got a mailer to join a gay book club. So I did. If you join you get 4 books for $.50 each, plus shipping. Then 3 years to buy 2 more books at regular price. Standard like all those kinds of clubs. I like reading books that pertain to the gays. So if you want to, take a look.

TEXT

Not a depressing entry

I am going to post today, and it's not about doom and gloom. Fro whatever reason, it seems the darkness has left. At least for 2 days now. Here's hoping it stays gone.

So last night I went out and met Toddy at CC's. A grand time was had by all. I got to meet several new people, friends of Toddy’s, and they were all great. There was Marylyn (sp, Toddy’s very good friend and housemate, with her new girlfriend crap I forgot her name. She was great. This was my first experience with lesbians. What a hoot. I really liked them.

Doug was there from the softball team and stayed for a while to hang out. That was fun. He had some great stories to tell. There was also Cal and his friend (maybe boyfriend? Jay. They were a little ways away from us though, so we kind of had separate conversations, but when it got load, we all talked together.

The best, best part of the night for me was when everybody left except me and Toddy. Not because I want to be antisocial and didn't like them, I really did and had fun with them. But for the first time last night, I got to have a real conversation with Todd just the 2 of us. It was nice, somewhat serious and funny at the same time. I got to ask him specific questions about sex
and things of that nature. Another new experience for me. To openly talk about sex with another gay guy. I've had sex talk with the guys before. "Yeah, I fucked her" but not a real conversation. Thank you Toddy, that was what I have needed for so long, just someone to talk with.

Next Sunday is a bingo fundraiser for the softball team. I am going to go and have a great time. Doug and Todd also asked me to join the team next spring. I am actually considering it. Me... playing softball with other hunky gay men... I'll have to ask if we get to take group showers. That might seal the deal!

And just because I have to mention my moods, I have been upbeat for the last couple of days, but I have to consciously work at it. It's hard to explain, but it's like there is something inside me wanting to drag me down. I am not having bad thoughts, or hearing depressing songs, but I just subconsciously want to be down. WTF
I think I may need to get my happy pills checked, maybe the dosage is wrong or I need to switch again. The boys just left so I don't know if it related to that or not.

Anyway, things are good. I am going to clean my apartment tonight. Woo Hoo

Good morning...

Ok, it's the next day now and I am feeling much better. I am optomistic about the day and looking forward to going out tonight. If Toddy isn't up for it, I plan on going by myself anyway.

I was going to start out appologizing for last nights post, but it was true and how I was feeling at the time. I hate those days, I hope they go away and never come back.

I need something to do to fill my empty time. I wouldn't mind volunteering for something, but I don't know what. I think I would prefer it to be involved in the gay community. But I don't want to only consider that. I'm sure there a lot of places that need help that aren't in the gay category.

I'll share something else with you. It's another one of my deep dark secrets. I would love to get involved in a theater group. I have always wanteds to do that, but for some reason I have shame associated with it. Why? How fucked up is that? But it's out now. I've said it. I would like to be involved with a theater group. Maybe just helping in the background, setting up stages or stuff like that. But eventually, as I grow more confident with myself, I would love to be on stage. It is so wierd to actually write this down. My desire for the entertainment lifestyle is on par with my homosexuality. I have kept it in the closet for ever. This is really the first time I have told anyone about. Ever.

See... I am in a better mood!

Ordinary People

I just watched this movie on TV. I've seen parts of it before, but never the whole thing. What a great fucking movie. I have always loved Donald Sutherland. Mary Tyler Moore was perfect as a cold, unable to love mother. And wow, timothy Hutton was great. And gorgeous. He won an oscar for this role. It was a great movie. I cried and cried. I can't say enough about it...

Please feel free to stop reading now. What follows is crap, wallowing in more crap. Sorry.

Ok, now that that's over, I guess I should get to what's going on with me. I haven't been in a very good place lately. That's why I haven't blogged. I hate to always be whining, or complaining. And that is what I have felt like for the past week. I was very much into having the boys here. I was able to have conversations with them. Gary doesn't hold up his end of our conversations. He's just a cat. But he does love me. At least there's that. Or he knows I can reach the shelf where his food is.

I guess I am feeling alone again. I promised myself I wouldn't censor what I write. But now that I know people are reading this thing, I am having a harder time not censoring myself. I feel like a giant pussy for not being able to get out of this depression. And I feel like people are going to get tired of reading my blog because it always the same thing. Me being a whiny bitch. But, that is who I am right now. I am going to go on ahead and get it off my chest today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

I went to the bar last night. I met a friend as I got there, he was just leaving. I went in anyway, I know, a big step for me, and had a drink. I sat at the bar and watched the people having fun. I hate being in a crowded room and feeling so lonely. I left as soon as I finished my drink. I did talk to someone though, I think it was one of the owners, but he was impaired and funny.

I'm in one of those moods where even a little thing going wrong will send me into an inporportionate (sp) response. Let alone the big problems that I have. I haven't even focused on those really. I read in a blog somewhere that it was tacky to discuss your financial problems. God know, I don't want to be tacky. So, I will keep the details to myself and just say things are not looking so good right now. I haven't cleaned my house since the kids left. I haven't wanted too. I just don't care. There are dishes piled up on the counter with food on them from our last meal together. Plus take out boxes and bags.It is starting to smell in here a little bit. I should really clean it up. But I don't care. There is just very little concrning me that I care about right now.

I have talked with the boys since they went back. They seem to have adjusted pretty well to it. Tomorrow they start school. Sam will be in high school. A freshman. When they lived here, before the ex got married, Sam was a very shy kid. He totally got my anxiety disorder from me, plus I was not a good role model for dealing with people. Anyways, I know he was lonely, and I tried to get him to make friends and do stuff, but I wasn't succesful. Both of my boys have myspace accounts. My family thinks I'm nuts because of the pervs online, but I watch their sites to see whats going on. Matt has friends. He has 3 close ones here that they get together everytime they come back plus they all talk online. He also has many friends in Kentucky. Sam is the one I worry about. But when I was checking their myspace pages, I read a bunch of Sam's comments from other people. Lots of kids were happy he was back and excited to see him in school soon. Including some attractive young ladies. He plays things so cool. "Yeah, they like me here."

It makes me feel so good for him. I am so very happy that things are woking out in Kentucky. But I can always find a down side. It makes me feel like a failure too. I tried my hardest to help him here, and it never worked. Back there, they were able to help him. I'm a bottom line guy. I suck, they rock. I know, I did some good things for him. I insisted on therapy. I insisted on medication. I still talk to him about life and how to handle things that come up. I know I have been a help to him as a father. But, I'm in a "I suck" mood.

I'll try to end on a slightly more upbeat note. I am going to go out to CC's maybe tomorrow. I'll email Todd in the morning and see if he wants to go. He said to let him know next time I want to go out. Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)

Not gonna do it

I have reconsidered my need to express myself in print about my ex-wife. It could only make things worse if ever she were to stumble across this blog. Or ever more worse, if either of my kids found it. As far as they are concerned, we still get along ok. It should stay that way. So... moving on...

I have been a a pretty foul, depressed mood since Monday. All of the sudden, now at lunch time today I feel a little bit better. i will talk with the boys tonight after work. I think they will adjust back to the old routine ok.

While I was eating my bowl of chili, i came across a wonderful website. I'm not sure how to post links in a blog, I will figure it out later. Here is the URL:

http://www.xanga.com/EmoKissingBoys




After looking at this, my mood is increasing. At first, this just made me feel more depressed. I want to kiss a guy like that, or better yet, be kissed by a guy like that. All these young guys just doing what they want makes me feel sad for my younger years when I was too afraid to even admit to myself that I liked boys.

But, then i remembered, I am starting to get a life. I put it on hold for the summer, but now I can start spreading my wings again. As soon as I hear the boys are doing better, I will feel a whole lot better myself.

This felt a little rambling, and I think my writing could be better. I'm out of practice. Gotta go back to the office...

I don't know what to say...

I have a couple of ideas on what to post, but i'm just not in the mood to do it. Last night sucked really bad. I couldn’t get Sam to stop crying. He’s 14, and very much a strong young man who doesn’t cry. But it broke my heart yesterday holding him and letting him sob. I will say this, any guilt that I was carrying around for coming out of the closet and leaving my ex-wife is now gone. i was going to say I’m having a hard time being civil to her, but I’m not. I was in the closet until i was 30, I know how to fake shit. So for the boys benefit, I am nice to her, but on the inside i fucking hate her now. It is my fault we are divorced, I took her ”dream” away. but i didn’t take away the kids from her. She says she didn’t move to Kentucky to be mean, and I believe her, but I do think she gets some pleasure out of my pain. And what kills me the most is that i can live with the pain and misery, i have my whole life, but to see her put the boys through this is the worst fucking thing ever. Now I am slamming the keys on the keyboard as I type. FUCK!!!

I will write more tomorrow or the next day. I need to get some perspective. I wanted to write a letter to her and post it, there’s now way I would send it. I’m not stupid enough to do that. things are bad enough already, I don’t need to make them worse. But maybe i can get things off my chest in a letter.

it's hot... i'm going to bed...

Still Un-Deflowered :(

I am still around. I have been spending all my time with my boys so far this summer. That's why I haven't been posting. Unfortunately, they are leaving next Monday. I was able to keep it out of my head the whole time they were here until last Saturday. Then I realized it was barley over a week left before they left. I am trying, and being relativley successful in keeping my spirits high. I don't want the last few days to be downers. I have had one bad day, but I was able to pull out of it when I got home from work.

I have plenty to say, but I'm at work now and should actually be doing work (imagine that). Next week I will be able to get back into posting more regularly. Thanks for the concern and checking up on me.

jeff

Friday, Part Deux

Well, my goodness, how plans have changed. I went home at lunch and took the boys to my brother’s house for the afternoon which rather quickly turned into a sleepover. So I am free tonight. As noted at the end of my previous post this morning, I have a need. And by golly, I’m going to fulfill that need tonight. I will be free to look at whatever I want online and I only need one hand for the mouse. I won’t be able to go out though, my finances just wont allow it. So unless someone offers to get me laid, I wont be out searching for it. Not that I know how to find it yet anyways, but I’m putting the offer out there. One way or the other, I will have my release tonight. Wish me luck…

By the way, I’m still waiting for someone to gay-de-virginize me, hint, hint…

I've been busy...

I feel the need to update my blog, but I don’t seem to have the time right now. Last weekends camping trip was very nice. We all had a lot of fun. With the exception of the bugs. Mosquitoes to be exact. They were awful. It was like an alien invasion. We went through 3 cans of mosquito repellent, and still we came back covered in bites. Sam and Matt (my boys) got it the worst. Poor Sam counted 32 bites on his body. I couldn’t get them to stop scratching, so of course the bites were all swollen, and it looked like they had some kind of death plague. Now things are much better, they just have little scabs all over them. Eww

I want to take them to the Oregon caves and do some spelunking. That sounds like a fun adventure. But I just found out how far away it is, almost to the California border. Jeez, that’s a hell of a round trip. We could stay in a hotel down there, they would like that. Financially though, I don’t think I could swing it. I’ll figure something out.

Sam is hooked on watching Ghost Hunters and all those kinds of shows on TV. I am going to take them on a tour of the Shanghi Tunnels in Portland. They have a ghost tour that will be right up his alley. I asked if he would want to go see a haunted place in the flesh and he jumped at the chance. So, next month some time we will go do that.

Jumping to a completely different subject, my lease is going to end in September. I can continue to stay on a month to month basis after that or I can move somewhere else. My rent isn’t that expensive right now, under $600 a month. I know that isn’t a lot. But I am still fucked up from my unemployment debacle earlier this year. I had to borrow some money from my mom, and I will never be able to pay her back at this rate. I am barely, barely scraping by as it is. I think about trying to move into someone’s basement, or renting a room in someone’s house or something really cheap. I also have been thinking of putting my stuff in storage and sleeping in my car. I can go to the gym to shower (that way I would actually go to the gym) and I eat with my mom anyway. I’m a little guy; I could fit in the backseat ok. Where would I park though at night? I don’t want to be hassled by the man. Well, maybe by a man, just not the man. I could save a lot of money and actually pay back some of the family that I owe. Plus I could start to build up a nest egg. It seems a little desperate though. Would you think less of me? I would have to lie to my family though. They wouldn’t approve. I would tell them I was staying with a friend. I don’t know, I probably won’t do it, but it does seem like a good way to get out of trouble. I hope I can find a good room to rent, or maybe a roommate to cut down on cost. Argghh, I will figure something out.

On a good note, my probation period at work is over, so now I will have insurance again. Hooray! And, goddamn I’m horny. I need to get laid. NEED… Plus, since the kids are here, I can’t… you know… release any built up frustration. I haven’t been able to look at anything dirty online for a few weeks now. Lordy, I have a need.

Sorry about that, just going where my mind led me. Gotta go back to work now. Have a good weekend.

They're everywhere...

I see them all the time. I hate the heat, but still, summer has got to one the best time of the year. Shorts and no shirts. Sunglasses, sandals, and skin. I’m talking about hotties of course. My God, it seems that everywhere I look, I see someone attractive. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of trolls out there too, but hot guys are just all over the place. Maybe it’s because I don’t need an A&F model level of hotness. Not that that’s bad either though. But I really like the guy next door type. Just a regular Joe. I was at the 7-11 today buying a Coke, and there were 2 guys blocking the cooler. I waited for a few seconds for them to move, all the while taking in beauty of one of them. He was a little taller than me, (but who isn’t) probably 5’7 or 5’8, and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. They were taking too long so I moved in front of them to grab my Coke, and I was able to get a glance at his face. Ooohhh. He was gorgeous. I walked to the counter and paid and on my way out of the store, they were still in front of the coolers, and I was trying to get a good view again and I totally walked into a candy bar display. Like a big fool. Hershey bars all over the floor. I picked them up and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I practically ran out to the car. My face was so red.

The point of this post is a question about checking out guys. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, but since I came out, I don’t really worry if anyone knows I’m gay anymore. So I find myself looking at hot guys all the time. It does concern me a little though. I’m all of 5’4 and a little squishy. I don’t intimidate anyone, not even my kids anymore (Sam is 5’6 now). My friend Toddy is 6’6 and a large build. He said people don’t usually fuck with him. I don’t have the size luxury.

My concern over getting my ass kicked is not high enough to make me stop looking. And honestly, I don’t want to go back to trying to be discrete, and not let anyone see me looking. I would be flattered if someone was checking me out, it wouldn’t matter what gender. People should just be happy someone thinks they are hot.

Randomness

Sometimes I make up words. Randomness, is that a real word?

I have some thoughts in my head and I want to share them. Hey, they’re bugging me, so I’ll let them loose on the rest of the world. Or the 2 or 3 people who read my blog.

Let’s talk about the awesomeness of the Dixie Chicks. I went out the day their new cd was released and bought it. I wanted to give my money to support them and show that there are plenty of people who still love them. When I listened to the cd the first couple of days, I only liked 2 songs, the big single and the first track. But, I have found that as time goes on, I am loving this cd more and more. This is a great cd, and the fucking right wing bastards are too stupid to admit it.I have their 2nd and 3rd cds, I don’t have the first because there is a sad song on it that I can’t stand to hear. I don’t even remember what it is, and I don’t want to remember either. I just won’t listen to that cd. But the other two, I can sing along with every song. There aren’t that many cds that I don’t use the skip button on. All the Dixie Chicks cds, Rascall Flatts, GreenDay, Alanis Morrisette, Josh Groban.

I do realize how boring the last paragraph was, thank you for getting through it. It is of interest to me. Ok, how about something else that has been on my mind. Let’s talk about sex. (don’t read this Holly) Like all normal guys, I do have thoughts of sex. Don’t they say the average guy thinks about sex every few seconds? I heard that somewhere, could be completely made up, how would I know? Anyways, I do think about it quite a bit. I feel sorry for the first guy that gets to be with me. I hate not knowing what I am doing. That goes for anything in life, especially a job. I hate being new to something. Now, I am not new to sex. I was married for 10 years. But here’s the rub (), I am totally new to gay sex. I haven’t experienced the joys of boy boy love. In the past, I have wanted to, in theory, but I was always to depressed or alone to even think about actually doing it. Plus, doing it for the first time is always intimidating. I know what to do. I have been studying educational videos and on the internet, plus inside my own imagination. Now that I am starting to have a life, the thought of actually hooking up with someone and having… intimate relations… is becoming more attractive. But now I have new questions.

How do you find someone to hook up with? Is random sex good for everyone? I don’t know if I would feel comfortable … you know … with a stranger. Can friends have sex and not affect the friendship? My guess is probably not, but I could be wrong, it’s happened before. How bout this one, how do you deal with the whole AIDS thing and being tested and can you trust them if they say yes? I don’t have a clue how to even bring up the subject. I know I should figure that one out before I decide to have sex with someone, so any advice would be great.

I should go, I have work to do. Thanks for reading and giving me feedback. I am open to suggestions. And I will entertain any offers to deflower my gay virginity.

My Brilliance (did I spell that right?)

Hot Toddy posted today about the end of the world coming because of the gay pride parade this weekend. I would link to it, but I haven’t figured out how yet, and I’m at work so I shouldn’t even be doing this. J He mentioned the protesters waving God Hates Fags posters. I left him a comment saying that we should have God Hates Rednecks, or God Hates Inbred Hillbilly Assholes, or something like that. Brilliant! I am a fucking genius! How do I come up with these ideas? Fucking gold, baby. Gold!

I haven’t had a lot of time to post lately. I’ve been having a great time with the kids. Next weekend we are going on a family camping trip. All my brothers and their families and my mo will be there. It should be fun, if their wives play nice. I don’t have to worry about that anymore, since I am single. But oh Jesus, wait until I bring a boyfriend along. That should be interesting.

I am going to miss the pride stuff though. I really want to go, but I can’t get out of camping. Don’t tell anyone, but I am hoping we get rained out and come home early Sunday. Then I’ll leave the boys at home and try to get into the festivities. I hope I’m able to hook up with Toddy. He said he wanted to show me my first pride event, so I am ready. If the fates work out.

I have more to say, but no more time. Maybe I will get more time later tonight. But now I have to fight my way onto the computer and then listen to “are you almost done yet?” over and over.

Bye bye…

me...today...

Do you ever have one of those days where you just aren't in a good mood? I can't explain why. I'm kind of in between depressed and grumpy. I'm switching back and forth a lot today. Nothing is wrong. The boys stayed at their grandma's last night, so I was alone. I took the opportunity to go to CC Slaughters. I was hoping to run into Toddy, but he wasn't there. I was going to have a couple of drinks, then I was pumped to sing karaoke. Well, I was going to do it, I don't know how pumped I actually was.

When I got there, Andrew bought me a drink, very nice of him. Then I noticed Pony and Chopper at the end of the bar and stopped to chat. I am still very awkward at small talk. I feel like such a goon. I asked them where a good place to eat around there was, and they gave me a couple of options. Pony said Hobo's had great pasta, so I thought I would try them. OMG, he was so right. I had pesto chicken with mushroom sauce. It was so good. So good. And now I have a new cruch. The bartender there, Dave, was absolutely perfect. I think I know my type now. I like average guys. Just normal looking guys. The guy next door. That is the category this guy is in, at least in my opinion. He wasn't model gorgeous, but cute. Didn't have a six pack or ripped pecs, he had a small, small bit of a paunch. Don't tell him, it would probably make him feel bad. But oh man, something about him really clicked for me. So of course, I sat there like a lump and ate my dinner and left. He had really short hair, clipped way close to his head. I like that. I also like big hair. WWE wrestler Carlito has the best hair ever. I love that big afro.

I should really be working instead of talking about typoes of guys I like. At least my mood is a little better than when I started. I guess I really am gay, thinking about guys makes me happy. (now I'm smiling)...

p.s. Oh yeah, I am feeling better now. I almost have lumpage!

"the horrible night of doom"

Linda Blair Aint got Nothin' on Me

Oh My God. As anyone with children can attest, they share all kinds of wonderful germs and sicknesses with you. Well, it has happened to me. Poor Sammy was very very sick. I felt really bad for him, there's not much you can do except take medicine and let it run it's course.

Then... I started feeling a little bad. Not too bad, but enough so i knew something wasn't right. I went to bed around 10:00. I woke up at 11:36, and made a run for the bathroom. You know how if you haven't gotten sick for a while, you forget how bad it can be. i mean in theory you know throwing up isn't a pleasant experience, but you haven't done it in so long, it's just a faint memory of what happens.

last night I remembered how bad it can be. Several times. I was up at 11:36, 12:18, 1:23, 3:06, and 4:32. I remember because each time I ran for the bathroom, I looked at the clock to see if it was almost morning yet. Dawn for me at least brings some hope that the horrible night of doom will be over. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor between rounds of "prayer" I could hear my insides gurgling and bubbling like some mad scientist experiment. After "the horrible night of doom" was over, then started the morning and day of... how to say this tactfully, well my brother calls it "soup ass." that seems like a reasonable explanation. Probably not too tactful though.

So, this has been my weekend so far. I had great plans for the day, I was supposed to help my brother build a deck on his house. But I had to cancel. Instead, I have spent the day writhing in pain on the couch. Terrible cramps. Or running to the bathroom. Terrible cramps in there too. I am feeling a little bit better now, the cramps are still there, the fever isn't anymore. Sam is about in the same boat as me. No more throwing up, but cramps and long lingering bathroom trips. Matt kind of got it a little this morning. He didn't get sick or have the bathroom problems, but he did get a fever and feel pretty lousy. He says he is better now, but I think that's only because he doesn't want to cancel tomorrows plans too. We are having a birthday party for him tomorrow. I don't want to cancel either, but I'll decide in the morning.

I'm going to lay down again. And whine, I didn't mention the whining. I readily admit that I am the biggest baby ever when I'm sick. It's one of my many wonderful traits.

WOOOOOOOOOO

You know the Woo guy, there's one at every concert. Just stands there and screams WOOOOOO. Well, that's what I feel like right now. I know it's still early, but I had a great time tonight. ALL BY MYSELF!!! WOOOOO. The boys are having dinner with their mom and her family tonight, so I had a few hours of alone time. Instead of sitting in front of the computer or TV like normal, I decided early this morning that I would go out to CC Slaughters after work and have a couple of drinks before I have to be walk home.

Normally this would have been the plan until the time to actually do it, then i would have chickened out. I don't like going alone BUT, i did go, by myself. And I had a good time. Andrew was there serving drinks, and I tried an apple martini for the first time. It was horrible. I only finished=shed half of it before I couldn't take anymore. By then i had a buzz on. Andrew gave me my next drink on the house, he is so nice. Then he made me a Water Moccasin. (sp) All I remember is it has orange juice and I think pineapple juice. It was good, and I became impaired. I played the video game and watched the porn and sat on the bar stool and had a good time. I spoke with a couple of guys. The last guy's name was Jeff also, he is 46. i suck at telling ages, I would have guessed my age, 36 at the most. I told him that and he asked me to marry him. HA! Then he said I looked about 29. I almost said yes to his proposal.

I just can't believe how comfortable I am now going into a gay bar and just sitting. Even by myself.. It's like I have been captured by the pod people. Who the fuck am I? God, it is so liberating. I totally want to move into the city now. There's no holding me back now. I just want to find a place within walking distance to the bar, so i don't have to drive. That would be nice. I swear, next time I go on Tuesday, I am ready to sing kareoke.

I missed Toddy though, although I'm sure he will be proud of me going on my own.

Bye Bye...

p.s. I hate that the spell check on this thing doesn't work. I normally couldn't post so many errors, but i assume that if your reading my blog, you have the intelligence to understand my meaning, if not my words. :)

Some good news/ Some bad news...

The good news is of course that my boys are home. The bad news is Sam is sick. I think his fever broke this afternoon, but we'll see what tonight brings.

It is great to have them hear again. To be able to put my arms around them and hug them. Seeing them just doing anything. My God, just seeing them period is great. I am going to enjoy the next 2 months very much.

The other bad news, Pride weekend is coming up. Toddy and I were talking about it the other night. He wants me to experience my first pride event, and i am looking forward to it. But... I just found out what weekend it is, and I will be out of town on a fmily campout all weekend. If I was in town, I would have found something for the boys to do so I could go. AARRGG. I really wanted to go this time. Maybe I will get home early enough Sunday to do something, I don't know. At least I'm not doing something crappy, it will be a fun campout.

One more thing, on a different note. i'm trying to find a drink that I like , and I'm open to suggestions. I'm not a big fan of real alsoholic tasting drinks, I like them to be masked a little bit. The next time I go out, i'm going to try an apple martini. Anny suggestions would be great.

Bye Bye

p.s. I am new to having people read and comment on my blog. Toddy, thank you for bringinng me out into the world. my question is, should I respond to each comment that people leave, or just say in a post how much I aprreciate them? I really do, by the way.

It's finally happening!!!!

They'll be here within the hour!! The boys are coming back!! WOO HOO!! I am very excited. I am going to squeeze them so hard, but Sam squeezes me back harder now. They are all mine for 2 month!! I don't have to work tomorrow, we can spend the day together playing around and goofing off. it's been a long year, with short visits here and there, but now, I get 2 months. Fuck yeah!

I also went out again with Toddy tonight. Funny how it ended up being Towel Tuesday again. Who knew? :) I met more new people today. Holly was right, there is a friendly community out there waiting to let you in. I was so afraid it would be full of pretty people saying that I don't belong. But it hasn't been anything like that at all. Not that the people aren't pretty, there was a cowboy singing kareoke tonight who was very hot. But his attitude wasn't all that great, so he went down hill in my book. I saw Pony again, I like him. He comes across as a fun guy. I met Danny and Sean ( I think) and Micheal and Stephen. All seemed very nice.

I think I talked more this time than last time. I know I was still awful quiet. Toddy and I had some dinner and we ended up sitting with some other people. They were very nice and funny, but they were new, so I clammed up. I really hat ehta tI do that. I want to be open and I want to sing with the rest of them, I just am not at that point yet. And, I have decided for today, I'm not going to beat myself up for being quiet. If I sit back and think rationally on this whole going out thing that is happening to me, just the fact that i actually leaving the house to meet people, knowing there will be strangers there is a huge accomplishment. I think tonight I will revel in that. I am finally stepping out of my comfort zone, and it isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. It isn't terrible at all. I wasn't even nervous about going in the bar tonight. Not even a little. Wow, is this really me?

I will probably back off going out a lot with the boys here. but there will be sleepovers at grandmas house and cousins houses. When that happens, I will plan to go out.

THEY"RE HERE!!!!!!

yummy

I don't have much to say, I should be in bed, I have to work tomorrow. But... I'm not tired. I have a rotating screen saver on my mac, and I have a whole bunch of "adult" pictures that are in a slide show. This is one of my favorites. It's not even nude. but man, it is hot.

Hot Toddy

I've had some time to reflect on the last few days. Everything happened so fast. I finally sent the email to Hot Toddy that I had been trying to send for a week or two. And he responded right away. I was so surprised to see an email from him. I guess I thought he would blow me off. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm not gifted enough to express how I feel about Toddy. He is truly an amazing soul. So positive, such a good outlook on life. And the fact that he would reach out to a perfect stranger and offer friendship... I am humbled by this. He had a kind word to say about everyone, and didn't like it when anyone offered a negative comment about anyone. His smile was contagious and I felt very much at ease with him and his friends. It was amazing. I never feel comfortable around people. I blame Toddy.

This is the part where my not being gifted comes into play. I don't want to deify him, but a simple "thanks" doesn't feel like enough for what he did. I am so grateful for the chance to meet Toddy. I'm glad I had the courage to finally reach out to someone, and I am so happy that I picked Hot Toddy. I wasn't expecting the response I received.

Thank you Hot Toddy...