So let me tell you about my day.

Sometimes you make decisions in a split second without really thinking them through, at least I do. Today I made 2. One that I regret, and one that I don't. Allow me to share...

Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.

*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.

Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.

I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.

Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.

I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.

That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.

This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.

My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.

Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.

I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.

Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)

What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").

When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.

Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.

So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)

Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.

G'night...