Bad juju....

I've been hesitant to write about this because I am sick of how needy I've been sounding lately. Something is going on and it doesn't feel right. I think my meds are off. (anti-depressants, don't want anyone to think I'm psychotic or anything... just depressed) I was used to having mood swings sometimes on a daily basis. But over this past week, my swings have been happening several times a day. WTF. My high points aren't that high anymore, but my lows are pretty low. Thursday I was going to post a whole entry on why suicide could be the answer. I might get to that later.

I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.

I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.

A Taboo Subject - Suicide

So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.

I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.

How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.

It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.

I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.

There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.

I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)

I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.