Hmm

A few days ago I posted an entry that was pretty dramatic and sad. Someone called me on it. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'll try.

Here is my quote:

"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."

Here is the comment:

Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.

I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.

I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.

I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.

As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.

Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.

I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.

So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.

Hugs...

jeff