Monday

It’s done; I officially gave my notice to vacate my apartment by the end of September. Now…. The question is… where to go??? Of course my initial response is to move into the city into a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment. I have even looked at a couple. But the practical part of me (albeit a very small part) knows I need some time to catch up. My brother is buying a travel trailer for camping by next weekend. His wife and him have offered to let me stay in it rent free for a few months to try and catch up financially. Realistically, this is what I need to do. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lean on my family any more than I already have. But if I were to move into another apartment right away, I would be able to afford it, but I wouldn’t be able to also pay back some of the money I have had to borrow over the past few months. I really need to do that. Of course, my mom says not to worry about it, but I do. You have to pay your own way. So that’s what I think I will do. I’ve always been a little trashy, now I’m going to be full blown trailer trash.

There has been something else on my mind recently. I need to get laid. I have been celibate long enough. I’m not quite sure how to put out the vibe that I’m ready though. I’m not really a “first move” maker. I will attack on the second move, but I don’t really initiate the contact. So how do I let guys know I’m willing and ready? Should I show up at CC’s in a banana hammock? Maybe write fuck me across my forehead? Maybe I should just stand up and announce to the room that I’m ready.

Any hints or pointer would be great…

Hey There!

Well hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I have a few new things to share. My decision on whether or not to move has been made for me. I received a letter from my apartment manager informing me that my lease is up at the end of September, and that my rent will increase $100.00 per month, plus another $15.00 for my parking space. Or, I can go to a month to month agreement, for approximately $200.00 per month. So, I am out of here at the end of September.

The timing sucks though because the boys are coming back at the end of September. I am thinking of leaving more towards the middle of the month, and then staying in a hotel with the boys while they are here for a week. I’ll pick one with a pool, they’ll like that.

Yesterday I looked at an apartment downtown, at 12 & Washington. It was more than a little disappointing. Very very small. I don’t mind a small place, but this couldn’t have been more than 300 sq. feet. So, the search continues.

Hooking up with a roommate or 2 isn’t a bad idea, I think. But here’s the rub, how do you pick a stranger as a roommate? I see lots of listing on Craigslist that seem promising. But jeez, how can I narrow down the field so it is the right decision? I don’t want to move again very soon. I need to pick the right place.

I am confident though that everything will work out. I feel like I have turned a corner recently, my bad juju days seem to be gone. I know it’s only been a week or two, but everything feels much better now. Even with the challenges I’m facing.

Bye Bye! (voice of John McGlauphlin)

G'Day

Well hello there, how've you been? I've been just fine thanks. I thought I would share a couple of new developements with you. First, I talked with my boss yesterday about increasing my salary. I was looking for a $3000.00 per year bump, he came in with $2000.00. In the past I would have said thank you and then kicked myself for not standing up for what I need. But this time I said that I was hoping to get a little closer to what I was making in my old job. I told him what I needed, and he said he would run some numbers and let me know next pay period when my check gets here. So at the least I will be getting the $2000.00, maybe even more. Thank god, I didn't want to have to change jobs again.

The second thing is while browsing Craigslist for cheaper apartments or rooms to rent, I came across something that looks promising. It is a large 3 bedroom apartment with 2 30 - 40 ish gay guys, looking for a 3rd roommate. I answered the ad and he answered me back saying he would like to meet me and have me come look at the place. Financially this is something I need. The reduction in rent would be great, it would really help me out. But living with roommates again makes me a little nervous. Especially strangers. They could be very nice, or they could be psychos. Who knows?
On the plus side, this should force me to be more social (in theory). I would get to move into the city, although not downtown like I wanted, but then again, I can't really afford downtown.

I'm not sure what to do on this yet. I will meet with the guy and look at the place. That isn't making a commitment. It's just checking it out. Oohh... any suggestions on what I should ask them? Anything I should look out for? Red flags or warning signs? Any feedback would be nice.

I'm at work right now or else I would include a hottie picture. You'll just have to imagine one for today. Maybe later I'll post a couple later. If your good...

jeff

Hmm

A few days ago I posted an entry that was pretty dramatic and sad. Someone called me on it. I'm not sure how to respond, but I'll try.

Here is my quote:

"I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them."

Here is the comment:

Dude... when someone is hurting, knows they're hurting, refuses to to do anything about it, and continually talks about how bad they're hurting... I wonder if they're hurting at all, or just needing attention.

I know I've been all over the map lately as far as moods and emotions. The day I wrote this was one the worst days I have had in a long time. I probably shouldn't have posted that day, I should have known it would be overly dramatic and pathetic. But I did.

I would like to change one word in my quote. Replace unable with struggling. I am able and I am trying. I have been seeing a therapist (until my insurance ran out earlier this year.) I am taking anti depressants.

I am trying to move on. I am going out and doing things. I invited a friend out both days this past weekend. He was unable to meet me, but I still asked. And I hung out at CC's by myself on Sunday for 3 hours. I went there again tonight for a quick drink with a friend. So, I am not sitting in my place just feeling sorry for myself.

As far as needing attention, I'll cop to that. I am lonely, I want to have friends and hang out and do things. I am trying to make this happen. I am not a very out going person. It is work for me to go out in public and talk with people. I know for a lot of people it is just second nature. Not for me. I have to consciously try each time to do it. And I am trying. And I will continue to try.

Since that day I have felt much better. I haven't been depressed at all. I have put that day and that post behind me. I try to post what I am feeling and not censor myself at all. I'm not always successful, but that day I was. If I have another rough patch, do I keep it to myself? I know myself well enough by now to know that I will have bad days. Maybe even a string of them. When I have these days, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I feel hopeless. But then the sun comes up enough times that the bad feeling will go away.

I just don't want to be known as a whinny person. I guess I should stop whining then. :) I haven't given up, and I don't plan too either. Even if some days I would like to.

So, I apologize for always sounding so depressed and defeatist. I will try to be more upbeat. Maybe I'll post more pictures of hot guys. That seems to make me smile.

Hugs...

jeff

More bits of randomness...

I'm kind of all over the map today. In no particualar order, these are some of the things running through my mind:

Yesterday at work, the republican guy that I just told I was gay was describing a customer to us. The customer is kind of a weather nerd, always calling about new software or equipment,and he was described as "joining the anal club." I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the giggles from starting. It struck me as very funny.

All morning I have been singing the hero song from Disney's Hercules: I Can Go The Distance. I blame Toddy and his Little Mermaid (I'm Unique) post.

This is me...not that I'm bitter about being short or anything :)


I remembered today that I was going to look into beign a roommate instead of you know, slumming it in my car or staying with my brother and his family. Not looking forward to that. I found this great place. I love it. Ah, home. But I don't think I would fit here. Check out the pictures of the place. I especially like the big black phallus thingy in the living room. WTF.

I have spent the last half hour playing wiht my blog. I think I've figured out the whole links thing. Yea me! The boss is out of the office today. I should go do some work, but now it's lunch time. I'm hungry, I must go and eat.

just like clockwork...

It's a new day and I'm in a great mood. Fuck it, I'll just go with it. For today I thought I would post something a little different than usual. How about some pictures of hot guys off my screensaver program. yeah, I thought it was a good idea too. I have to turn off my monitor whenever family comes over. They accept me, but don't want to see any improper images. If they only knew...

Look at this face... it's perfection... I love him


My newest pic, it's Steve Sandvoss from "Latter Days"... fucking yum!


I'd like lay on his bench and let him work me over...


I love them both....


You know it's true...

Bad juju....

I've been hesitant to write about this because I am sick of how needy I've been sounding lately. Something is going on and it doesn't feel right. I think my meds are off. (anti-depressants, don't want anyone to think I'm psychotic or anything... just depressed) I was used to having mood swings sometimes on a daily basis. But over this past week, my swings have been happening several times a day. WTF. My high points aren't that high anymore, but my lows are pretty low. Thursday I was going to post a whole entry on why suicide could be the answer. I might get to that later.

I know I need to go back to the doctor and have him check my meds, but it will be at least a month before I have enough cash to do it. I will hold on until then, unless something gets worse.

I'm lonely. I hate being in this apartment all alone. But I really have no one to go out with. I have some new friends that I played with last weekend, but I feel like I am pushing too hard with them. I mean, I'm just some loser from the internet. I could be a nutbag for all they know. (probably am) All these people have relationships with one another that date back a while. I am the interloper, trying to crash in on their party. They have all been nice to me, but sometimes I have to wonder if that is because they are all too nice to tell me the truth, to fuck off.

A Taboo Subject - Suicide

So I'm not in a great mood right now, I might as well talk about what's been on my mind lately. This is such taboo subject, at least to me, because I would like to talk about it, but I don't want people to get all worried that I might do something... drastic. I wont. I would never. But that doesn't mean I don't see it as a solution.

I was surfing the other day and somehow I got to a page with a little banner at the bottom about suicide prevention. So I clicked on it. One of the links on the new page was titled "Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The more I looked at that, the more pissed off I got. My temporary problem, being a miserable lonely fuck doesn't feel very temporary. This mess all started when I was 14. Do the math, I'm now 36. So my temporary problem has been going on for 22 years now. That doesn't feel very fucking temporary to me.

How nice it would be to just be over. I don't believe in heaven or hell, it's just over, done and gone. There is a member of my family that has tried to commit suicide twice. Now things are better for them. But I know the pain and anger it caused in my family. I would never put them through that. One of my brothers goes insanely mad at the thought. He says it is the most selfish thing you can do. I guess I can agree with that, but here's my perspective. I am miserable. I know the steps to get better, but I am unable to take them. I am living my life for the sole purpose of not making my family sad. There is no enjoyment for me, other than a temporary time period of happiness. A movie or bingo game. Then I have to come back home. Alone. Is it selfish of me want to have the pain go away? To end my suffering? I don't want to cause pain for anybody else, but I sure as hell don't want to keep going. I long for a blown tire on a cliff side road. Or a errant bus to surprise me. Or a crazy nut with a gun so I can try to be the hero and be stuck down. A burning building with kittens inside. I would rescue the kittens, but I wouldn't come back out. Someway for me to accidentally be over.

It's almost like I am back in the closet. I was terribly unhappy then too, but for the brief periods when I saw my family, I could turn on the charm. No one knew how fucked up I was. It's like that again. When I am around them, I can turn it on. I should be on the stage somewhere. I know I would be good at it. I've been acting all my life.

I don't have much hope for the future either. I just don't think I have what it takes to make things better. I am trying, and I have had some success. But I have also had some setbacks too. I have invited people to go out with me, and they have had other plans. Fine, I'm sure they are not lying to me. But my fucked up self esteem tells me they don't want to be with me. I didn't mention this before, but at the bingo game, one of the people I was sitting with took his things and slide down the table away from me. Granted I was intoxicated and WOOing rather loudly, but it still feels like junior high when no one wants to sit next to you. I'm sure that's not what he meant, but that where my head goes.

There were several pictures taken of the group I was with. Different poses with different people. I wasn't in any of them. There's one with me in it, but it's only by accident. I don't fit. That just reminds me that I don't know these people very well, I don't even know any of their last names. What makes me think they would be very close to me yet? My god, I only met some of them once before.

I feel helpless. I don't think I can get myself out of this mess. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can envision for the rest of my life is misery. I doubt I'll make it out of my fifties. The way I take care of myself and the heart disease in my family will take me out by then. Maybe another 20 years. I feel like it's too late. I should just give up. I can't kill myself, but maybe I can go back to being stoned all the time until I die. Stop trying to move upward job wise. Just give in and work at a gas station or 7-11. As long as I have enough money for drugs, so I don't have to be aware of how bad my life is. (once again, I won't let this happen, but sometimes I wish it would)

I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I don't know why I shared this tonight. It is where I am right now.

So let me tell you about my day.

Sometimes you make decisions in a split second without really thinking them through, at least I do. Today I made 2. One that I regret, and one that I don't. Allow me to share...

Today was the day I was going to ask my boss for a raise. (notice "going to") I had myself all psyched up. It was hot last night, so I had a big fan on next to my head. I slept reasonably well. Hooray! But what I didn't count on was the noise form the fan overpowering the noise from my alarm clock. As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself listening along to a couple of different songs, but they were very faint. It was in that in between time when your waking up. After I don't know how many songs, I realized I was awake and didn't hear the alarm go off. Well I figured that it couldn't have been going on that long, so I lazily got out of bed and checked the time.

*A digression - First off, I must put the alarm on the other side of the room. I have learned this from many late to work mornings when I don't remember turning off the alarm. Second, in my apartment there are little fucking lights on everywhere. From my bed I can see the stove, microwave both smoke detectors, the vcr and the Tv. All of these things have little lights or displays on them. My alarm clock has the brightest light of all. So after I set it, I turn it so the display is sitting on the dresser and I can't see it. So anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't know what time it is.

Back to the story - So I have to be at work at 8:30. It is really flexible there, we all come in a little late sometimes. The boss is usually not there until 9:00, but he is the boss so what can you do. Anyway, when I looked at the clock it 8:17. Normally I would have taken more time to get ready, but since I had to be on time today (at least in my sleep addled mind I did) I rushed some clothes on, clean thankfully, and brushed my hair and ran out of the door. I got to work at 8:40. Not terrible at all, and I beat the boss by 30 minutes. What I wasn't expecting was that I would be in a bad mood because of this. It took me a long time to wake up, I was dragging all morning. And, as sometimes (ha) happens, I started feeling depressed. Then I started feeling more depressed. Not the best mood to talk about a raise. But the boss had to leave early so I wasn't going to be able to talk to him anyway. I'm almost at the part I regret.

I started thinking about the fun I had on Sunday at the bingo game, and I thought of a friend who has been so nice to me recently. I thought I could write him a quick email saying I was down and I needed a hug. Simple. But oh no, I can't keep it simple. I didn't say why I was down, and in his response he asked why. So I told him. I laid out a whole shit load of problems that I am having and how much i am sucking right now. It was horrible. That was before lunch. I didn't hear back from him. Still haven't. I feel bad for dumping all my problems on him. How is he supposed to respond to the shit storm I unleashed? So tonight when I got home, I sent another email saying I was sorry for telling him all my problems and dumping on him like that. I still haven't heard from him.

Now logically my mind is thinking maybe he was in meetings all afternoon or busy, he does work you know. Then maybe he hasn't been home yet, or checked his email. Maybe he is watching the TV. My emotional side however thinks that I put too much out there too soon into our friendship. I shared too much. I am taking advantage of a guy who is just trying to be nice. I have attached myself to him and his friends and they are too nice to tell me to go away. They feel sorry for me.

I know he is probably just busy, but Mr Self Esteem (me) is feeling paranoid.

That is the decision I regret, sending the emails at all. I should have just kept it to myself and gotten over it tomorrow. it usually goes away, I just wish it wouldn't come back.

This is taking a long time, maybe we should stop for an intermission. Go get something to drink, a snack maybe. I have pudding in the fridge.

My second decision is the one I don't regret. At all. And that is kind of strange for me. I work with 3 people. 1 guy is very right wing. Rush is his GOD. The other 2 are very religious. I have been a little nervous about them finding out I am gay. You never know how people will react. It's just an unknown, therefore... scary. So this afternoon about 3:30, the republican guy comes out and sits across from me at my bench and starts talking. I am in a bad funk, I was all day. I try not to let it show too much though. I hate when the people I work with know my moods.

Mr. Republican and I do not agree on many issues. He is very outspoken about his opinions, I am a little pussy and never really disagree with someone verbally when I do disagree with them. Something about conflict and fighting, I blame my father, but that is another story. We were talking about Don't Ask Don't Tell. He was in the Air Force for 20 years. He hated Clinton because of DADT, and that is the main reason he left the Air Force, Bill Clinton and his policies. So for some strange reason, I told him that I agreed with Bill, that gays should be allowed to serve. I wont go over the whole argument, but let's just say we still don't agree.

I na move that stunned me, and I blame it on my shitty mood, I very verbally argued with him and then I moved on to gay marriage. Again, we didn't agree. But this discussion went on for an hour and a half, until after 5:00. I was vehemently disagreeing with him. He says gay marriage hurts children. I must have voiced my opinion too hard, because at one point he asked me if I was gay. Without any hesitation, I said yes, I am. He said Oh. Then he toned down his rhetoric and says it doesn't matter to him and we'll just agree to disagree about this.

Now I am not mad at him. I think he is wrong, but not a bad person. He is a really descent guy and I like him. (not in that way, he's old. but his son is a college soccer player...yum)

What has me a little baffled and surprised and dare I say it, proud of myself is the fact that there was no hesitation on saying I am gay. None. No regret, no fear associated with it. It is just something normal to me now, like my hair color or my height (5'4 1/2" - the 1/2 is important when your 5'4").

When I was struggling with my problems back when I was married, It took a whole session with the therapist just to say those words. I am gay. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't do it. Could not. I tried, but it just wouldn't come out. So she told me to tell my shoe first. Weird, but I went with it. "Shoe, I'm gay." Oh my god I said it. "Move on to the pillow." "Pillow, I'm gay." I said it again. "Now the floor." (slowly) "Floor, I'm gay." I'm getting better at this. "Now tell me." Oh shit. It still took me awhile but I finally looked at her and said "I'm gay". I did it. I told someone I was gay. Holy shit.

Later that night after the kids went to bed, my wife asked me about the appointment with the therapist. I told her about it and that I was finally able to say it out loud and she asked me to say it to her. I totally wasn't ready for that. It took me literally 30 minutes for those 2 words out. 5 letters and an apostrophe. It was agonizing. She was so kind about it. I was so frustrated that tears were coming down, and then I just said it. "I'm gay." And it was over. I'd said it. That is the night we decided to end the marriage, but again, another story.

So now I am out at the office. I should probably tell the other 2 soon, I don't want anyone to have to "cover" for me. I might wait until after the raise talk thought. :)

Hopefully things will still be ok at the office. Hopefully my friend will email me tomorrow and tell me not to be such a putz. Anyway, now I'm going to bed, and turning up the alarm.

G'night...

Perspective...

Now that it’s the next day, and I’m sober again, I am a little bit disappointed with my decision to drive home last night. I shouldn’t have done that. It has been a long, long time since I was inebriated as I was yesterday. I’m also not too sure about drunk blogging. It may not be a wise choice either. I knew I was still drunk when I went to bed last night because as I was laying there waiting for sleep to come, I was singing “King of the Road” and then “Delta Dawn” to my cat. The bed wasn’t spinning, but the window was open and I wasn’t being too quiet. Ha, fuck the neighbors, they’ve kept me up late more than once. Then I woke up at 1:00 and couldn’t go back to sleep until after 3:00. (I still felt drunk btw) Now I’m at work and while I’m not hung over, I am overly tired and sluggish. Ah well, tonight I will sleep better.

I know I said yesterday what a great time I had, but I want to reiterate something here. As I am looking back on what transpired yesterday, I realize that I don’t know the last time I actually let my guard down all the way, and was just myself, without any thought of the other people around me. This is what I have been searching for. Longing for. Todd and his group of friends accepting into their fold the way they have is so wonderful. I remember the more that I drank, the more I told Loren about the cute guys there. I kept saying I love him and pointing out different guys. She just laughed and agreed with me. It is so strange to actually speak out loud about liking guys and to have no weirdness associated with it.

I just had a really good time, and I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. I feel very happy right now.

Woo Fucking Hoo

Lime green jello shots are fucking A good. I have done a bad thing, please don't judge me too harshly Holly. I drank too much and drove home when i shouldn't have. But now that I am home, lets revel in the day that I had.

First i went to the movies with 2 of my brothers. The one with the tumor and the one in forest grove. We saw Talladega Nights. We laughed really hard. It was funny in a stupid kind of way. A great time was had by all.

Then... the real fun began. I met Toddy and friends for the softball fundraiser at CC's. Since I knew i would be there a while, I started off with a long island iced tea. Soon I was feeling no pain. We played bingo! I sat between Loren and Doug. Across from Toddy. Marilyn was on the other side of Loren and Sean was across from Doug and Cal was next to Toddy.

The Sisters of perpetual Something were the bingo hosts people. They were fucking awesome. They had face paint and were wearing kind of modified habits. There was one who roamed the crowd with a microphone making comments and spanking people who called bingo in error. I was strangely attracted to him. He had a mohawk and face paint, but he was really hot. The more I drank, the more I was attracted to him.

Now I have to talk about Loren. I LOVE HER!!! We sat next to each other, and I told her I had blotter envy. I picked a blue bingo card blotter. Hers was green. I liked hers lots better than mine. She said that green was her favorite color. About this time, a guy started walking around with jello shots. Toddy and I both had a blue one. It was good. Then he came back and I had a red one. It was awful. Then he came back and he added green to the mix. So I had a green one. It was lime and very good. Very strong too. Loren and I tool turns buying green jello shots for each other. I had so much fun sitting with her.

I switched my drink to vodka cranberries. I had three more of those, plus the long island and 6 jello shots in 3 hours. I was impaired. I was also having a great time. I talked with Marilyn one on one. With Cal one on one. Toddy disappeared after bingo was over. I think he went home without saying goodbye.

I went to Hobo's and had some dinner in an effort to sober up. Then I drove home when I shouldn't have. It wasn't very far, but I know I was bad anyways. Please don't judge me. So now, I am drunk blogging. Another first for me.

All in all I had a great fucking time. Loren is awesome. I love her now.

good night...

Bo & Hope...

Today I was walking around the Fred Meyers, I needed a bar of soap, but nothing else, and I felt like a tool just buying a bar of soap so I browsed for more things to buy. I didn't find anything, just the soap. But that's not the point. As I was walking around singing to myself with the music that was playing, an old familiar song came on. The love theme from Days of our Lives for Bo & Hope back in the eighties. "Tonight I Celebrate My Love for You." It was about halfway through and I was looking at ironing boards when I noticed what song I was singing. It was one of those instant time travel memory experiences that happen when you hear the right song. At least for me. Immediately I was back to being a kid, watching Days with my grandmother. It was our favorite story. (Who knew I would turn out gay, there were no signs) I remembered so many things in that instant. Like when Bo came in and stole Hope away from that DA guy she was going to marry. Took her right out of the church and roared away on his motorcycle. Bo's mullet. Bo's beard. Bo isn't my type, but he was attractive.

There was a woman on the show named Kimberley, and she was with the guy from the Nanny. I don't remember her relationship to the other characters. I think she was Roman's sister. Anyways, I always remember her because my grandma hated her, and every time she was on the TV my grandma would say" I just wanna kick her in the snatch."

My family still laughs about that. Anytime we are all together and someone does something wrong or says something stupid, that line comes out. And we laugh.

The other song that really takes me back is "Let's Hear It For The Boys." That was the summer I was 13. Lots of things happened that summer. I stayed with my oldest brother and his first wife for 2 months. It was during this summer that I was introduced to marijuana. We went over to their friends house and they wanted me to go away, so they gave me a large butter tub full of pot and a pipe and a bong, and put me in this little tiny alcove where there was a stereo and headphones and more cassette tapes than I had or have since seen. I remember having a very good time. Then the rest of the summer was spent in the pursuit of the high.

But the specific memory is of cleaning their apartment while they were at work with the radio blasting this song. I was dancing and singing and having a great time. I always go back there when that song comes on.

I was going to post about first crushes. I came across a website devoted to River Phoenix. My god, he was special. I loved him. He was going to be mine, I just know it. Fate kept us apart. Alas, maybe in the next life.




Oh yeah, I think I may have figured out how to post a link in an entry. I'm going to try it out now. Hope it works. I got a mailer to join a gay book club. So I did. If you join you get 4 books for $.50 each, plus shipping. Then 3 years to buy 2 more books at regular price. Standard like all those kinds of clubs. I like reading books that pertain to the gays. So if you want to, take a look.

TEXT

Not a depressing entry

I am going to post today, and it's not about doom and gloom. Fro whatever reason, it seems the darkness has left. At least for 2 days now. Here's hoping it stays gone.

So last night I went out and met Toddy at CC's. A grand time was had by all. I got to meet several new people, friends of Toddy’s, and they were all great. There was Marylyn (sp, Toddy’s very good friend and housemate, with her new girlfriend crap I forgot her name. She was great. This was my first experience with lesbians. What a hoot. I really liked them.

Doug was there from the softball team and stayed for a while to hang out. That was fun. He had some great stories to tell. There was also Cal and his friend (maybe boyfriend? Jay. They were a little ways away from us though, so we kind of had separate conversations, but when it got load, we all talked together.

The best, best part of the night for me was when everybody left except me and Toddy. Not because I want to be antisocial and didn't like them, I really did and had fun with them. But for the first time last night, I got to have a real conversation with Todd just the 2 of us. It was nice, somewhat serious and funny at the same time. I got to ask him specific questions about sex
and things of that nature. Another new experience for me. To openly talk about sex with another gay guy. I've had sex talk with the guys before. "Yeah, I fucked her" but not a real conversation. Thank you Toddy, that was what I have needed for so long, just someone to talk with.

Next Sunday is a bingo fundraiser for the softball team. I am going to go and have a great time. Doug and Todd also asked me to join the team next spring. I am actually considering it. Me... playing softball with other hunky gay men... I'll have to ask if we get to take group showers. That might seal the deal!

And just because I have to mention my moods, I have been upbeat for the last couple of days, but I have to consciously work at it. It's hard to explain, but it's like there is something inside me wanting to drag me down. I am not having bad thoughts, or hearing depressing songs, but I just subconsciously want to be down. WTF
I think I may need to get my happy pills checked, maybe the dosage is wrong or I need to switch again. The boys just left so I don't know if it related to that or not.

Anyway, things are good. I am going to clean my apartment tonight. Woo Hoo

Good morning...

Ok, it's the next day now and I am feeling much better. I am optomistic about the day and looking forward to going out tonight. If Toddy isn't up for it, I plan on going by myself anyway.

I was going to start out appologizing for last nights post, but it was true and how I was feeling at the time. I hate those days, I hope they go away and never come back.

I need something to do to fill my empty time. I wouldn't mind volunteering for something, but I don't know what. I think I would prefer it to be involved in the gay community. But I don't want to only consider that. I'm sure there a lot of places that need help that aren't in the gay category.

I'll share something else with you. It's another one of my deep dark secrets. I would love to get involved in a theater group. I have always wanteds to do that, but for some reason I have shame associated with it. Why? How fucked up is that? But it's out now. I've said it. I would like to be involved with a theater group. Maybe just helping in the background, setting up stages or stuff like that. But eventually, as I grow more confident with myself, I would love to be on stage. It is so wierd to actually write this down. My desire for the entertainment lifestyle is on par with my homosexuality. I have kept it in the closet for ever. This is really the first time I have told anyone about. Ever.

See... I am in a better mood!