AssSucking Week

First of all, it seems to me that the majority of my posts have been negative. That pretty much sums up my attitude lately. Someday things will be better...right??? Someday...

Well anyway, here is my complaints. I am losing my normal job at the end of the year. BIll is retiring and there is no more business to do anyway unless the customer orders more stuff (not likely). So I have been working part time at another job umder the impression that after this job is done, I will move into a full time permanent job. Last Saturday I had the talk with the bosses, and there is no job for me there. SO..I have no job now after this month. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I don't like to be without a job, it makes me very uptight and nervous. Of course I know most people don't want to be out of a job, but were talking about me here.

Also, I signed up for that fucking personal trainer, at $150.00 a month. WTF was I thinking? I can't afford that. Now there is no way I can get out of it either. Unless I pay half the $1500.00 to cancel. FUCK...What a Dumbass I am.

I met with Holly today and then I had a salad at lunch, with pizza, but I ate a salad! I will get into this more later. There is some inportance but I must do actual work now.

p.s. where the fuck is the spell checker?

Woo Hoo!

I am in a much better mood right now. I didn't wake up happy again, but I just had lunch and there are more Hershey's Miniatures in the candy bowl at work (dark chocolate...mmmmmm). I don't know what is up with these mood swings. I am very up right now. I was very down the last couple of days. Maybe I'm geting my period.

Maybe my testosterone level is low. What a weird thing to write, some might say. But stay with me here. I've never been a real masculine kind of guy. I'm not effeminate at all (I think), but I'm not butch either. Here is why I question it: I am trying to grow a beard. I have never had one because it takes a long long time for it to come in. I have never had the patience to wait through the "scruffy" stage. I haven't shaved since Thanksgiving, I think it looks horrible. And it's itchy. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. All three of my brothers can grow a beard pretty much overnight. Not fair. One more piece of DNA I got screwed out of.

I wonder if low testosterone can make you short? If so, my level must be pretty low.

Oh well, I'm still in a good mood.

big kiss...

Sad Song

I just heard the saddest song ever in the car...twice. It's called Sarabeth, I think by Rascall Flats. About a girl with cancer going to the prom. I can't get it out of my head. Like I wasn't sad enough already.

I sure hope tomorrow is better...

WTF

I don't feel as good today as my last entry. I'm not sick, just down. I don't usually talk about what is bothering me because I don't want anyone to think I am whining or feeling sorry for myself. Which I am. Holly (my therapist) says I'm too hard on myself. Maybe...

I went to bed feeling this way, and I woke up in the same mood. Yesterday was a good day. I worked at #2 all day and then was invited to Jim's for tacos and a football game on tv. They were both good. On the way home I started feeling sad. I can't tell you why, I just did. Maybe it is because I'm tired, I have worked a lot this week at both places. I miss the kids terribly. I am worried about Sam being homesick and the depressed and they way that is physically manifesting itself. He needs to be in full time counseling along with the medication. Just like me.

I switched from Lexapro to Prozac last weekend. I had a great week, was happy and dancing around, singing... but now...? I don't think it's the holidays. I am not thinking about them and then getting sad. It'd just everything. My finances being out of control is the big one. Will I ever get control of it? Today I am not very optimistic.

I remember why I am sad now. I'm alone. Horribly, horribly alone. I have no friends, and no one to love and love me back. I have never even spoke to another gay person, that I knew was gay. I came out in 2000. I have done nothing since then about it. If I had a friend I would like to go places where it would be possible to meet others like me and make more friends. But I don't have one, so I don't go. This is why I have 2 jobs and go to school 3 nights a week. I am so overbooked that I don't have time to think about how fucked up my life is. It works most of the time. Just not right now.

When I feel like this I don't do anything. My house is a mess, I am almost out of clean clothes, and the dirty ones are all over the floor of the apartment. Where I took them off is where they lay. There are dishes in the sink for weeks. I rarely cook anymore, and when I do, I don't clean up. Fuck it. Who will see the mess? No one. I don't care anymore. I still haven't done my homework from Thanksgiving weekend. I missed 2 papers in writing, plus the homework, a quiz in math, I didn't go to either class last week. I have a big chapter test in math tomorrow, I haven't done one problem in this whole chapter. I just don't care about it anymore. I do care, I want to do good, but I have no follow through. Am I too tired from working? Am I too depressed? Or am I just lazy. And a fuck up. I will go with the last two.

I doesn't feel any better now that I vented myself. I hoped it would. I have to get ready to go to #2. Then put on my happy face and see mom. I don't ever tell her the truth about how I feel. I never have, probably never will. I love her too much to burden her with worry about me. She does that enough already.

What a shitty entry...

I Feel Good...

I am surprised at how good I feel. I jsut got back from my 3rd workout at the gym, and i'm in agreat mood. maybe there is something to those endophines thingies after all. On Tuesday I worked on my "lower body", legs and abs. When i woke up Wednesday I almost couldn't walk. The rest of the week I have been moving very gingerly, very sorely. Today I did the same workout. I am nervous about tomorrow. Wil I be able to move at all? I have to work at the other job tomorrow, and everyone will be there. Even Bill from job #1.

I am totally slacking off on everything else in my life right now. I didn't so any homework this week, so I skipped the classes too. My checking account is so fucked up that when i got paid yesterday, it is only positive $150.00 . I was -$700.00. Juses fucking christ. So now I have to pay rent and a car payment, a huge phone bill, electric, and oh yeah, I will probably need to eat too. And don't even get me started on Christmas. Maybe I don't feel so good after all...

Nah, denial is my strongest asset (or curse). I still feel good...