WTF

I don't feel as good today as my last entry. I'm not sick, just down. I don't usually talk about what is bothering me because I don't want anyone to think I am whining or feeling sorry for myself. Which I am. Holly (my therapist) says I'm too hard on myself. Maybe...

I went to bed feeling this way, and I woke up in the same mood. Yesterday was a good day. I worked at #2 all day and then was invited to Jim's for tacos and a football game on tv. They were both good. On the way home I started feeling sad. I can't tell you why, I just did. Maybe it is because I'm tired, I have worked a lot this week at both places. I miss the kids terribly. I am worried about Sam being homesick and the depressed and they way that is physically manifesting itself. He needs to be in full time counseling along with the medication. Just like me.

I switched from Lexapro to Prozac last weekend. I had a great week, was happy and dancing around, singing... but now...? I don't think it's the holidays. I am not thinking about them and then getting sad. It'd just everything. My finances being out of control is the big one. Will I ever get control of it? Today I am not very optimistic.

I remember why I am sad now. I'm alone. Horribly, horribly alone. I have no friends, and no one to love and love me back. I have never even spoke to another gay person, that I knew was gay. I came out in 2000. I have done nothing since then about it. If I had a friend I would like to go places where it would be possible to meet others like me and make more friends. But I don't have one, so I don't go. This is why I have 2 jobs and go to school 3 nights a week. I am so overbooked that I don't have time to think about how fucked up my life is. It works most of the time. Just not right now.

When I feel like this I don't do anything. My house is a mess, I am almost out of clean clothes, and the dirty ones are all over the floor of the apartment. Where I took them off is where they lay. There are dishes in the sink for weeks. I rarely cook anymore, and when I do, I don't clean up. Fuck it. Who will see the mess? No one. I don't care anymore. I still haven't done my homework from Thanksgiving weekend. I missed 2 papers in writing, plus the homework, a quiz in math, I didn't go to either class last week. I have a big chapter test in math tomorrow, I haven't done one problem in this whole chapter. I just don't care about it anymore. I do care, I want to do good, but I have no follow through. Am I too tired from working? Am I too depressed? Or am I just lazy. And a fuck up. I will go with the last two.

I doesn't feel any better now that I vented myself. I hoped it would. I have to get ready to go to #2. Then put on my happy face and see mom. I don't ever tell her the truth about how I feel. I never have, probably never will. I love her too much to burden her with worry about me. She does that enough already.

What a shitty entry...