I don't know what to say...

I have a couple of ideas on what to post, but i'm just not in the mood to do it. Last night sucked really bad. I couldn’t get Sam to stop crying. He’s 14, and very much a strong young man who doesn’t cry. But it broke my heart yesterday holding him and letting him sob. I will say this, any guilt that I was carrying around for coming out of the closet and leaving my ex-wife is now gone. i was going to say I’m having a hard time being civil to her, but I’m not. I was in the closet until i was 30, I know how to fake shit. So for the boys benefit, I am nice to her, but on the inside i fucking hate her now. It is my fault we are divorced, I took her ”dream” away. but i didn’t take away the kids from her. She says she didn’t move to Kentucky to be mean, and I believe her, but I do think she gets some pleasure out of my pain. And what kills me the most is that i can live with the pain and misery, i have my whole life, but to see her put the boys through this is the worst fucking thing ever. Now I am slamming the keys on the keyboard as I type. FUCK!!!

I will write more tomorrow or the next day. I need to get some perspective. I wanted to write a letter to her and post it, there’s now way I would send it. I’m not stupid enough to do that. things are bad enough already, I don’t need to make them worse. But maybe i can get things off my chest in a letter.

it's hot... i'm going to bed...