black

I woke up depressed. What the fuck is that? Did I have a depressing dream? I just feel hopeless again. It has been 2 weeks of pretty good moods, it sucks being back here. I am leaving hope that it will get better during the day, but...

I doubt that I will be happy ever again. Not just momentary happiness, like watching a funny movie, or sharing a laugh at a joke with someone, but truely happy with my life. It's out there, happiness. I can see it from here. I know how to get it. I just can't do it. Taking the steps to make it to happiness is too hard. I think that makes me a pussy, and I deserve to be miserable. It's like I can see everything that I want, friends, a boyfriend, adventure, it's al right there, just a few short steps away, but there is a chasm between me and happiness. It's too deep and wide to cross. I can't make it. I never will. I just want to go to sleep. Or drive. Drive until I run out of gas money. Then... you know. End it all. It's strange to write that down. I've only told Holly that before. Not that anyone else who knows me will read this. I haven't had these thoughts in a couple of weeks. The drugs were working. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it's stress, god knows I have some of that on top of me.

I skipped breakfast this morning. First time in almost 2 weeks. It's the mood, definitely. I was in the kitchen looking at food. All I had to do was reach out and pick up a banana, or apple or pear, theya re all just sitting there looking at me. I looked at them and turned and walked away. I didn't care. As I was walking away my inner self was saying " your gonna be starving by lunchtime, you shouldn't skip this." But I didn't care. I'm hungry now. I thought about stopping and getting a coke and danish, but I have to see the doctor this afternoon, and I don't need that in my system when they check my blood sugar.

Blah... I should be working, not writing this entry.

bye