Still Bleh

So I haven't posted for a while. Shame on me. I haven't been in the best of moods lately, obviously. I fell off the wagon as far as eating goes. I guess I went to the dark side. It's nt that I wasn't watching what I was eating, I really went for it. I had orange chicken and a huge piece of chocalate cake with 2 scoops of ice cream. I just didn't care that day. Usually I feel bad after I eat something I shouldn't, but I didn't this time. It didn't concern me at all. Probably not a good sign.

Today I'm sort of in the middle. But on the lower side of 50%. I'm not in a bad mood, but I'm not in a good mood either. It's more close to being negative though. I'm not sure why. Maybe this afternoon will be better.

I have a job interview today. It's doing the same thing I do now, I son't know if I want to keep ding it, but I don't have any other ideas what to do so I might as well stay with this. I have another interview Monday for a 3 month temp job. It is for a production planner, what I want to do fro now, but it is through a temp agency, for only 3 months. Maybe I can impress them enough t keep me on, I don't know. Should I take it?

A side note, this whole job thing has been weighing on me. Maybe this has been effecting my moods. Hmm....

I met with Holly yesterday. She gave me some "tough love". I didn't like it. I was going to title this entry: "Holly Was Mean to Me Today...", but I don't want to make her feel bad. And in reality, she wasn't being mean. I have a motivation problem, and she is trying to get me motivated. I'm not big fan of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" approach. It kinda felt like that was what she was doing. She asked "What will it take to get you to stand up for yourself?" I dunno. I didn't enjoy yesterday much at all.

I promised to do... something this week. Leave my house and go out into the world and interact with people. Fuck! I have to do it. I know I do. Take a first step. It's hard. I don't like to be judged, maybe because I judge myself so badly. What's the worst that can happen? I have the scenario in my head where I walk into the gay bar and everyone turns to look at the new person. I know they will be judging me by my appearance, and it isn't my best attribute. What if someone comes up and says that I don't belong, or I should go where the old guys are. I picture Mean Girls, but with mean gays instead.

Can you promise me this won't happen? No, of course not. It is very likely to happen, no, probably not. But it is possible. I can't go this weekend, it's date time, and I don't want to be pathetic on date night. I can be pathetic on Monday or Tuesday.

I am having dinner with mom tonight. I am going to tell her I have reconsidered her offer and will come and have dinner with during the week, if she lets me pay for the groceries. I'm sure she will go for it and be very happy. I just son't want to look like a momma's boy, which I know I am. I don't want everyone else to know it too. BTW, this is Holly's idea too. She want to know why refuse help from people who love me and want to help. I dunno.

I really have to work now, btw, my mac at work does not have a spell check feature when I post. Fuckers. So, I'm sending this out, errors and all.