Funk

I seem to have crashed again today. I'm in a pretty good funk. (funk is a great word) I hate feeling this way. It's almost like a self fulfilling (sp) prophecy. I know to get out of my mood, I need to get out and start a life. But at the same time, the fact that I have no life, therefore nothing to share with new people, keeps me trapped inside myself. Alone. The fact that I am not strong enough to get myself out of this puts me even further down into depression.

This new job is working out fine, except... I am way over qualified for what I am doing. I am back to just being a technician. It is nice right now to not have to make any decisions, or answer any questions. But it is going to get old real quick, not to mention the pay cut I took to come here. It's about $600 a month less than I was making. That is huge, when you don't make very much to start. I think I made a mistake coming here, and I should look again for something new.

Another thing, I realised today that I will be 37 soon. 37 37 That is too goddamn old to be starting over. I have nothing. I have a car and a tiny little apartment that I can barley afford. Of course I know that my family loves me. But is that enough. Sometimes I wonder. I know that relatively speaking 37 is not too old, but I feel like I should be way farther along in life than I am. I should have a house. I should have a friend at least. You know what I look forward to? TV. My favorite shows. How fucking pathetic is that. I think about giving up sometimes. Just accepting the fact that I will never be normal and happy. I will never have a friend or a relationship. I think about getting high again and staying high until I die. At least when I was high I didn't have to think about how much I suck, or care. I so still have the suicidal thoughts, not that I would ever do it. But I think about it. How much better it would be. I know it the easy way out, but it sure seems better than living the way I am. And at 36, it doesn't look like I will change. So right now, it looks like my choices are death or pot. Door number three is always there, but I'm too much of a pussy open it and find happiness. (don't worry, I'm not going to die or go back to drugs, I'm just being a baby today)

My kids are coming in 2 weeks for the summer. I am happy about that. I don't think I will have enough money to do anything fun and exciting though. I also realised recently that this is not their home anymore. Over the last year when I talked with them it always had something to do with coming home, and Kentucky was not home. It has changed all the sudden. They have a new home, and I am not part of it. I will be the weekend father, only worse, because I only see them a few times a year. I am making my mood worse as I type this.

fuck...