In Exile

This is going to be a little off. I didn't pay my bill and my internet/phone was shut off. Shame on me. I had the money, I jsut didn't pay it. I went this morning and paid them, the phne is back, but the internet isn't. I wanted to post something, but without access, hat to do? Then it came to me. I'll write it now, and cut and paste it later. Same difference, just a day late.

Yesterday, Friday, we moved out of the office up to Bill's shop. It was a busy day. Lots to do. We finished up about 6:30, and we haven't unpacked or set anything up yet. We have Monday and Tuesday for that.

I told Stephen (other boss) that I wasn't going to work this weekend, unless there was something that just had to be done. 2 whole days off... in a row. Holy cow. So today I got up and went to pay the previously mentioned bill. Then I went to office depot to buy a desk chair carpet cover thingy. Bill is giving me my office chair for my home. Very nice of him. I had good intentions for today to get a lot of things accomplished. I did pretty good. I didn't get everything done, but I did a lot.

I finished putting the chairs together for my new table. I cleaned the litter box and did 2 loads of laundry. Emptied all the garbage and recycling, it sure does pile up fast when there are take out containers on the counters. I vaccumed the dining room and moved the computer desk out there, next to the kitchen, as Holly suggested. I can see the kitchen and the TV from here.

Brenda laso gave me the shredder from the office. They have another one at home. I have a lot of old bills and unopened envelopes and papers to play with the shredder for a while. But a funny thing has happened, well not funny ha ha, but funny weird. Kinda. As I am sitting here going through all these old papers, it has started to depress me. For multiple reasons. Some of these were dated all the way back to 2000. I haven't made any progress in all this time. Lots of unopened bill and collection notices. And just today, I had the phone shut off. Fuck... what is wrong with me. All I can think of is that I am just lazy. i started this process out thinking that I am going to get on top of things, and stay on top of them. I am very discouraged now though. I'm not giving up, but discouraged.

The other problem is i found pictures from back then, when we were a happy family. Well, they were happy and I was lying to keep up appearances. It was Sam's eight birthday party. They were beating a piniata. They are so adorable. God I miss them. I miss what we had. Sometimes I wish it would go back to the way it was. I wish I could have found a way to get over being gay. Or take a pill and make it go away. I want my family back. Only, I want Tonya back then, when she was fun. Of course I have to take some responsibility for her changing. Having your husband come out of the closet is bound to fuck you up. We had a good life, except for my secret. The kids were happy. We bought a house. We made decent money. Things were good. Except for my secret.

When I think back though, I know i would have never made it this far by keeping the secret. It was making me crazy. Am I better now that's out? I think so, at least a little. But I miss my kids. They are going to grow up without me. We talk on the phone, but it isn't the same. I want to hug them. It hurts so much some times I don't know how I stand it.

Fuck, now I'm down. I don't know if it's better to deny that anything is wrong and not think about it. I am good at that. Or to think about it and let the horrible feelings come .

Fucking shredder...

On a good note, I talked to Jason and he is going to go out with me. I will call him Monday night and set up a time. That is a good thing. Let's try to stay positive here.

I'm going to watch The Wedding Cashers. maybe that will cheer me up.

Here's hoping the internet is back up tomorro