Monday, and I'm still sick

I felt bad this morning about calling in sick again. I just felt more tired than anything. Boy am I glad I did now. I think I had some kind of relapse. I went to Blockbuster and got a couple of movies, though I might sleep through them.

I have a concern. This no job thing, I'm afraid it may turn me into even more of a hermit. I seem to be retreating into myself. I haven't been to moms in a few days. I don't want to get her sick. I haven't talked to my brothers. I talked to the kids, they are doing well. But other than that, I am alone. I went to 3 movies this last weekend, by myself. I go out, but I am alone. I always feel alone. Even in a crowd. Even at a big family event. I have a close family, but I never feel like I fit with them. Probably because I was in the closet until I was thirty. I don't know if that will ever go away.

I don't even know where I am going today. I is kind of like a writing class.. just free writing. Saying what ever comes into my head. Apparently my filter is out sick today also.

I have another secret. Something that I have told no one. Ever. I'm going to share it with you now. I don't know why, maybe because my filter is out today. I was in love once. With a man. He was wonderful. He was my best friend, and he was straight. i was also married at the time. I think about him a lot. Recently I can't seem to get him off my mind. His name is Tim. That's enough for now. He was so beautiful. And kind, and funny and sexy and a good friend. I don't want to get into it all right now. But when i think back on it, falling in love with him was the beginning of my downfall. It is not his fault at all, but my inability to deal with myself loving Tim. God I miss him.... I don't think I will ever get over him...